AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

Obviously this will be driven by your ideological bent, but I can't fathom having a lot of discretionary funds sitting around and not helping my children with a house or their children and so on.

Much like I can't imagine having a better standard of living than my husband, I find it hard to imagine having a major disparity between us and our children. I don't think I'd really enjoy it.

We had help from my parents to buy our house. They look on it as an early inheritance.
We will help our childrn to buy as long as we're satisfied they're in settled jobs and can pay a mortgage. Why wouldn't we? They've had not a penny spent in their education and have always had jobs in school and uni holidays so I know they know the value of money.

Only on MN everyone seems to get a house deposit or at least everyone in their circle does. I don't know anyone in RL who got a full deposit handed to them. Their parents may have given them part of a deposit in lieu of a wedding present or lent them money for a deposit. I would love to be in a position to do so but as I'm not a home owner myself this will be highly unl ikely.

I do think it is grabby to expect a deposit though, even if they can afford it.

We’re in the process of buying a house with an annexe for my mum
One day maybe dh and I will live in it and dd the actual house.

My parents have nothing to give, my dh family had a lot. When his dad died his mother sold up their house for millions and bought a £200k bungalow, promptly threw out her other son and no one has any idea where the rest of the money went. I thought it a shame she didn’t want to help her dc but really it was up to her.

Clearly we will not be getting any help ever and I doubt I’ll ever get any inheritance my parents being poor and me being 1 of 5 dc.
Me personally will give to my dc everything I possibly can and will save and save until I can help. Me and dh accepted we probably weren’t ever going to get help so lived extremely boring lives saved for a few years, whilst renting, for a deposit on a house and took out a 90% mortgage. It was hard though. I wouldn’t really want my dc having the same work shirts 5 years running just so they could buy a house like I had to.

I would not think my dc grabby asking for help. I also know if I was given any help at all I would have been very grateful and not grabby about it. I hope I can teach my dc the value of money and help them at the same time. In the end grabby or not if someone’s going to help you I’d always say go for it. It’s no secret how difficult it is to buy a house as a first time buyer now.

OP I suspect you are pretty grabby - because you clearly think you have an entitlement to money from your parents. Unless you are a child - you dont. What do you do for your parents that would make them feel disposed to help you out? No use comparing yourself to other people unless you know the details of their lives - and we never know the full story on someone else's life.

Grow up and start taking responsibilty for yourself instead of expecting handouts. Adults support themselves, only children whine about not receiving handouts.

@alreadytaken - excellent post.

It’s not about how much money you’ve got but how generous you are. My Dads helped me and my Sister loads over the years. Mums a bit tighter but she’s helped here and there too. I believe my Dads family helped them out a lot too. I also intend to provide a hefty pot for my Son (now 7) to buy a house and go to Uni etc. That money’s factored into my retirement plans- I have to make it in my mind or I will have let him down.
I think money should be shared over families, think it’s a bit gross to hang on to ever penny. My man on my dads side gave us her main our inheritance 15 years before she died when she sold her home. I think you just do what you know and in our family it’s selfish to sit in loads of money while another struggles.

Parents are v well off. Refused help with Uni, and because of the way which loan entitlement is calculated, I didn’t qualify for enough of a loan to go (I had no way of making up the 3K shortfall. The loan I would have got wouldn’t even have been enough for the tuition fees).
Didn’t help me with a deposit, the house, moving costs, my wedding, divorce, anything. I’m now very heavily in debt and have asked for help, which has been refused.
My younger siblings got driving lessons, cars and a lump sum. I’m very bitter.

It completely depends I guess, it would be nice for help if parents are in a position to do so. I regularly visit elderly people for my job and it’s surprising how many talk of the ‘SKI fund’ (Spending The Kids Inheritance) I also recently met an elderly gent of 101 who told me he had 800k in the bank, he had 4 children, 7 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren and that none of them would be getting a penny as he worked hard for it so why should they benefit!

My parents have never helped us out financially, nor do they have anything of substance to inherit (a small house but I have 6 siblings). They also don't offer support in other ways. MIL on the other hand has always been generous, helping with time and small cash sums here and there as well as emotional support. When she died recently (😢) her estate was enough to pay off our mortgage as dh is an only child.

My own boys aren't grabby. From a young age we told them that if we have it spare we are happy to share it with you and they have never demanded or expected anything. My oldest is off to uni and I'll send him bits of cash when I have it if he needs it. They have both worked throughout the summer and after school in term time. I will be delighted if I find myself in a position to be able to help them, or just treat them, in the future.

My mother has a terrible attitude towards money. When I was in my early twenties I didn’t have two pennies to rub together. She would claim she couldn’t afford to call me and would expect me to call her and foot the bill every time (she lives 5000 miles away) but then she would go out and buy a $400 handbag. I think she expected us to be financially responsible for ourselves from the age of 16 and would take a huge chunk of my pay check at that age for house keeping. I have no issue with kids learning to be responsible, handle money, pay for the things they can and help out but there’s got to be a line drawn somewhere. She’s given me nothing since I was about 14 and got my first weekend job and I’ll admit that I’m bitter about it.

I’m not expecting much but a little something towards a house deposit or a car even just a couple of hundred would have told me that she at least cared that I had a roof over my head. I struggled a lot with my mental health during my early twenties and it would have been comforting to know that someone had my back but she left me feeling completely alone with no support and that is part of the reason we are now NC.

My husband and I worked hard to buy our property and we are now very comfortable. Partly I’m happy we pulled through everything independently and built a good life but partly I’m sad that my mother prioritised handbags and brand new cars over supporting her daughter even minimally. If that makes me grabby so be it but it’s hard not to be hurt.

Neither my or my husbands parents have any money to give so we saved for a deposit for several years and bought our flat ourselves - are now in a nice 3 bed semi. It feels really good to have done it without help to be honest. If our parents had money yeah deep down I would have wanted a helping hand - of course. But in hindsight I'm glad we did it ourselves.

That said will we help our kids out? Absolutely. Already saving for it!

Sadly, my parents are dead. But they left me their house.

No help here, well financially. I’m currently living with my mum and step dad so I can save my own deposit so I am being helped in that respect but I don’t expect any financial assistance.

I certainly wouldn’t see my kids struggle if I had the means to help them, just to prove a point.

As soon as I got my first job my mum started charging me rent. They've never given me financial handouts, and I'm paying my mum back monthly because she gave me a big loan to pay off my debts a few years ago.
Unfortunately I'm in debt again

My parents would help me out in the click of a finger if needed . We are a large family all have decent jobs and own houses and cars, but yes we would always be able to 'turn' to our parents in a large financial emergency (tens of thousands) but still have all worked hard for what we have. It depends how you're brought up I suppose. I come from a family where everybody has worked to get where they are and just a hard working family I guess. I make sure to let my kids know how working is so important, saving, having nice things etc. however we can help at any time also.

Some families are so different, when I first met dp at 18 I had 2 jobs on the go and he was just sitting home everyday getting social welfare, and I guess that's because his family weren't a hard working one, so he never developed that work ethic. Work is so normal in my family and many others, but not in his

I don’t think anyone should ‘expect’ help but in a loving, financially steady family it’s a shame that the older generation don’t appear more willing at times to acknowledge things have drastically changed and offer to help more.

My husband and his brother both received a small but very helpful boost to their deposits when buying their first flat together. His parents also surprised us with a bit of help when we were renovating our house when I was pregnant.

They bought their house way back when for £35k...it’s now worth over £400k and they’ve retired with £££ on pretty nice but normal careers. They absolutely sympathise with how things have changed in the city where we live.

My parents live abroad. My dad earned an absolute fortune for the majority of his career, my mum did ok too. My dad once sent me £250 when I had some serious problems at university which I really appreciated but nothing else since becoming an adult. They laugh about how we shouldn’t expect anything from them as they’re enjoying life and they’ve done their bit - this also goes for babysitting etc. They don’t offer anything. In fact since they’ve retired they’re actually complaining about not having enough money (my dad earned a lot but had expensive hobby’s and didn’t particularly save) and I suspect they’re actually going to start costing me money soon!

Times are different now and I think older generations should free up wealth and help the younger generations - they haven’t ‘earned’ it anymore than future generations. Hard work alone won’t get our children homes.

We’ve already started saving quite hard for our daughters and plan to sell and downsize when they are in their 20/30s to help them when they need it. Too many people hang onto the big family home when their grown up children are struggling.

When I was at University means tested grants were available. A friend of mine from a wealthy background didn't get a penny and his father refused to fund him. My friend is really nice, thought it was great as it taught him independence and his raised his kids the same way. Horses for courses, as they say.

My mum said she would rather I have some of my inheritance now, when I could make more use of it, than in 20 years time. Thanks to her generosity, we were able to buy a much bigger house and are in a much better financial situation for the arrival of our baby. It's made a huge difference to our lives and we are so grateful.

I'm hopeful that I will be able to help my own child in this way too.

My parents gave me some money towards a deposit and 18 years later after my dad had a major health scare and it was touch and go if he would make it they gave me more enough money to pay my mortgage off. He figured that the government were paying for 40% of it and he would rather I had the money than them. I will always be grateful and neither payment was expected or asked for. They have made their own money and their parents weren't in a position to help them so they struggled and didn't want me to if I didn't have to. I think they looked at it that they couldn't take it with them and I would inherit it in the end so why not see me benefit from it. If I have spare money I would do the same for my children.

My Dad helped two siblings, skipped me, and then helped my stepbrother after telling me he wasn’t in a financial position to help. They all got 50k a piece. I got zip, zero, nada.
My DHs brother got 10k after his parents sold a small parcel of land, he got zip as well.
I’ve got friends who got no help, other who got houses brought for them. If their families are in a position to help, that’s great, if not, hopefully that’s just a big motivator. In our case, DH feels like a doormat as he has lent money to his parents and not had it returned. Me, I feel unloved and resentful. My stepmum is planning a trip to Europe next year with his sister and my Dad is hinting that I provide accommodation as we have two spare rooms. I’m ignoring the hints.

If I can afford to I would like to help my children with uni costs or a house deposit just to give them a helping hand. My parents helped me with both, but I had a job to pay for other uni costs and I don't expect them to contribute to my household (mortgage / bills etc) as I am an adult. I do know that they would not sit back and see me struggle though...the same as I will not let them struggle with money in old age if I can afford it.
YANBU to feel this way, but it's their choice what they do with their money. I would feel like you. YWBU if you had a tantrum about this and didn't help yourself like many, many others have to.

We turned down the offer of money so we could make our own way in the world. We were proud to save for our deposit. All sorts get offers of money, it's whether you take it or not. If you don't get that offer, don't feel jealous, just realise you're an adult and being treated like one, rather than a spoilt child.