AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

I would always help my kids out financially as much as possible. Having independent adults and financial help from family are not two mutually exclusive things.

I've never had a penny from my parents since I left home. One can afford it, one can't. I don't give a shit. It has made me really independent. I will be helping my children though. Houses are so expensive these days and I want them to be able to get on the housing ladder.

We help our adult kids out. They are all responsible and hardworking and not the slightest bit ‘grabby’. Getting money from us while they are young makes a huge amount of difference to their lives. It gives them security. It gives us a lot of pleasure too. Also, I’d rather give it to them now rather than it ending up disappearing in inheritance tax. We wouldn’t leave ourselves short though.

Dh and I came from relatively poor working class homes. We both went to uni for free, lived in slummy housing for years, saved up and bought our first little house. Our parents helped out as best they could with some old sticks of furniture and the decorating and I remember we slept on the floor for months while we saved up for a bed.

Fast forward a few years and Fil got a really big inheritance from his brother. He was generous enough to pass on a big chunk to us and we took a big jump up the housing ladder.

We have been fortunate to now be quite comfortable financially. Our kids have had driving lessons, old bangers, help with uni costs, a thousand pounds on graduation etc. They've all had jobs since they were 16 so they definitely know the value of money. We have told them we will help out with a house deposit when the time comes; probably about 30k each, even if we have to downsize.

I was surprised though, when discussing this topic with friends who are at least as wealthy as us, that they seemed to think giving a house deposit was ridiculously indulgent.

I moved back in with my parents for a couple of years after uni which allowed me to save my first deposit. They can both retire early because they've paid off their mortgage, they wouldn't if they'd cashed that in to give to me and my brother, who incidentally also owns his own property and is doing well, we've been raised to work hard for what you've got and not get yourself into debt, it's worked. They've helped out in other ways though, bought us some furniture for our house, have just given us £1000 to redecorate and furnish the room for the baby, and will be providing one day a week free childcare when I go back to work. DHs parents the same, bought us a lovely bed we couldn't have afforded when we moved in, have just bought baby's travel system and MIL has just retired for the sole purpose of being on hand for childcare for us. Both sets give us hampers of lovely things at Christmas we wouldn't splurge on ourselves, treat us to meals out etc, and helped with tuition fees and books/laptops when we were studying, although we both worked through uni and took student loans. Because they've left themselves in a stable financial position, they were happy to come to our wedding abroad and could afford to and DH and I will both inherit reasonably well later in life which on top of our pensions etc will allow us to retire early, not work until we're in our seventies and support our own children, although we won't be giving them house deposits. Loans etc maybe if we can afford it, and we'll certainly help with tuition, student costs, first cars, somewhere free to live while they save, childcare etc. But your parents have worked for what they have and YABU to expect anything, any help they give should be appreciated.

Personally I don't understand why parents wouldn't help their children with buying a house, if they're in a financial position to do so. This is my BIGGEST motivation for buying a house, so that when we retire we can downsize and provide the children with deposits - when they have also shown commitment and responsibility in working and saving themselves. Genuinely don't get how parents can sit on piles on money and watch their child struggle and scrimp and save for a house.
My In Laws are of a generation where it's 'once we're dead you'll have...' How exceptionally morbid and odd to me. My parents have not been in a position to help.

Very poor growing up (remember queuing for free school coat and shoes when the pits closed)
Fast forward 30 yrs and DF/DM have had multiple inheritances which they have been so chuffed to be able to help us with. It's meant a lot to them to see us owning a property.
Getting a helping hand doesn't mean you're going to make your kids entitled and lazy, sometimes it just eveneeds the playing field a little bit, provides security and actually motivated me and DH even to give back and aim higher.
Will definitely be doing the same for DS, don't understand parents who can but won't. Very different times to their generation

My dad had a very poor start to life and was determined to make things easier for himself and his own family. He beat the odds for his area and got into Grammar School, then worked his way through evening classes to get his A levels and get into University (my grandparents supported him morally and emotionally but simply didn't have the money to allow him to stay on at school).

When I was growing up I'd have what I now see as spoilt brat tantrums because we didn't go on foreign holidays, or have new clothes etc. all the time like some of my friends did. I didn't understand it because, by this point he was earning well above the average wage.

I now know that he was putting HALF his wages every month into savings. I know this because he helps out when my sister or I are desparately in need of it (gave me a deposit for my tiny house when I split up with the ex, bought me a second hand car when mine died and I was commuting 30 miles each way to work etc.). It's never more than we need, but just enough, and he makes it very clear that it wouldn't happen if we were just sitting around, not at least trying to help ourselves, and were trying to live about our means.

I'm now very grateful for the way he taught me about finances, my DH is exactly the same. If we can't afford it outright, and don't NEED it, we don't have it. I hope we'll be the same way with DS, if he helps himself, we'll happily help him (and our future DiL/grandchildren) too if we can.

My parents were comfortably off but did not have cash free to help me or my brother. Like a lot of their generation they had money tied up in a house which had made a lot of money and in a good pension but were not wealthy enough to hand over a lump sum. I didn’t expect it either. However, I’m 51 now and back in my twenties I was able to save for a 10% deposit and buy a flat in London for 70k on a salary of about £25k. None of this would have been financially possible now so I think I would try and help my children get established providing they were clearly in a stable situation and mature enough to use it wisely - I’ve seen some eye watering frittering and stupidity among some friends’ children who clearly weren’t mature and thought the source would never run dry. The other problem with helping children too much is that we’re probably all going to have to set aside large sums for our own care in old age!

I wouldn't give my DD money for a deposit or buy her a car.

It's something my husband I don't agree on as his parents gave him a car.

I think if you want those big things, you need to work for them and earn them. I'm happy to help her with driving lessons, but not a car and the insurance etc. Same as a house, I'd help her move in by loading the car etc, but financially she needs to do it.

My parents who were of average income helped us a lot in laws who are wealthy wouldnt give us the dripping off their nose and charged us for looking after the children when i was sick in hospital , fil passed away mil now spending money like theres no tomorrow to make sure theres no inheritance , dh birthday present cost £2.99 price tag left on shes spent tens of thousands so far all on herself

Im already saving for my own childrens future

I had help from my parents getting on the housing ladder. Eternally gratefull. No money exactly, sold me a house they had bought a couple of years earlier and rented, for the price they paid. It had gone up in value though and they paid the tax bill for doing it. Also bought me my first car. I am forever grateful as getting on the property ladder a few years earlier than I would have been able to afford to on my own has helped me move up the property ladder faster. No more money now as they are divorced and money is tighter. Dh’s parents won’t give him a thing. No financial help at all ever. They are sitting in a £700k house as well as ample savings and always expect us to pay on meals out etc because he earns a good wage, never treat the grandkids. I find it extremely hypocritical as they only managed to get the house they could through inheritance. I expect they think dh has to wait for that but they are burying their heads in the sand at inheritance tax, the risk of it all going on health/social care expenses.
Having said that never being spoiled has given him a good work ethic, made him ambitious. I will try and help my kids out as much as I can but don’t want to spoil them either. There is a balance to be had.

We had a bit of help and I intend to help both our boys as much as I can if or when they need it. I would never sit. Ack and watch them struggle if I could help.

I meant pay for them too on meals out that is.

I think it is lovely that some parents help their kids, and I certainly will help DS, but you just can't expect it. Expect to make your own way, then you'll be suitably appreciative if some help is provided. We all knew we had to make our own way and it made us exceptionally resilient and determined to make a lot of money, so in a way the lesson was well learned, but obviously some people learn that lesson without being left to fend for themselves.

There is a subtle difference that has not been mentioned before as far as I can see.

I WOULD like to help my DCs and have done in the past.
I don't think it is WISE to help my DC because of their choices in life.

It takes a bit of doing to have sums of money or assets and that would not be possible with unwise choices.
The DC might be OK if they were by themselves although I don't know that for sure as they have never been on their own, they change partners with very little time in between. The partners do not work or house-keep. I have no obligation to keep adults who are no relation to me. I would like to help DGC but cant give money as cant be sure DGC would benefit from the entire sum of money if at all. I cant give things like PS as they are frequently sold. Even toys are sold. I do not think it is for me to provide money for alcohol or other such substances.
I hope I am not thought of as mean by MNs or anyone else. I hope that people see that it is not good to enable these life choices. I would love to help my DC and DGC out of their current lifestyles but I am not as stupid as some people would like me to be!

Absolutely with you on that @Stillme1. I guess i'm idealistically hoping dc will get married and settle down themselves. Once they've saved and shown commitment, then they get the deposit from us. If none of that happens, they wouldn't be getting help from us either. It's more of a when-then situation.

Absolutely stillme In your situation you would be a fool to keep giving your money away.

Quite a few of us have said that we will only help our children if they help themselves too.

I meant pay for them too on meals out that is.

The next time you eat out with them ask the server for separate checks when you order.

Never had a penny of financial help from my parents, and I've been very much in need in the past.
Which is why my kids will get everything they need. Yes, it's a source of pride to me that my wife and I have done almost everything ourselves (her mother helped us out once), but I don't see why my kids should have it as hard as I did. I personally find it ridiculous to not help your child out if you can.

Given that I bought my first home with a deposit of 1750 pounds and a monthly payment of 125 pounds and that home is now worth 10 times that amount ( it’s in Cornwall which explains why) I am able to help my children when the time comes. Not because they are entitled but I can’t see how anyone with a normal income could afford their first home in their 20’s at today’s prices without help. I didn’t earn this money it literally has come to me from doing very little. My generation if they bought in the early 90’s have been extremely lucky.

Stillme - very wise indeed. You certainly are sensible not to enable this type of lifestyle.

I worked a second job at weekends to save for the deposit for my house, fairly easily done in those days.

However, as many have said, not so easy now - so we have provided a house deposit for our daughter and son-in-law. We did this happily as they are both sensible and hardworking people. In fact I passed on part of an inheritable from my own dear parents, which I know they would have approved of. This was just to get them started, they are planning their next house move, which will be totally funded by them.

My parents are comfortable, but not wealthy, but believe in paying things forward. They helped me with £5k towards our wedding, which would have paid for a lovely day, and said we had to find anything above that! DH's parents said and paid similarly, so we were very lucky.
Mine also paid for driving lessons and a car, and my accommodation costs at university (last year before fees came in), and when my DM got made redundant they gave us (me and DSis) half each of her settlement which got me onto the London property ladder in 2011 along with my own redundancy money, which has meant my being financially comfortable from increasing property prices when I sold and relocated.
In turn, I gave money from my London flat sale proceeds to my niece, nephews and own kids for their savings accounts, and we have started saving for our DCs' driving lessons, university and house deposits.

I got some help with a deposit (£15k) but my parents didn't/wouldn't have sold anything, they gave it to me because they had it.

I have full intentions to help my child, will giving them a flat in London which should hopefully be mortgage free by the time they leave uni. (currently rented out). The way I see it, they are getting their inheritance early, at a time when they need it most.
I'd have loved if my parents had given me a flat at the age of 21 but the didn't have the means at the time. I saw friends being gifted house in Fulham in my 20s while I was in rented flatshares with friends and envied them. So if I can do similar for my DC, then great.
I say to each to his own, however. If you can do and want to, then great. And lucky them.