AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

We recently inherited a bit that allowed us to pay off the mortgage. DH's sister gave hers to her adult kids.Dh's eldest brother (in his 60s) blew it on cocaine. DHs youngest brother was bankrupt and had to pay off his debts.

I am deeply bloody grateful we could use it to ensure some security in our lives.

Mine have helped me a lot and I appreciate it a great deal. I would never expect it though and that is the difference. I would want to pay that forward for my own children. I wouldn’t sell assets as I’d want to make sure my own retirement is comfortable but I’ve been saving for them regularly and would continue to do so to help with university living costs, deposits or weddings. I’d see that as something I’d save for specifically.

I don’t have children but I have nephews. If I had enough money I would like nothing more than to give them each some money towards a house deposit.

I was always very proud of supporting myself financially. My parents have worked insanely hard to have a nice nest egg. They deserve to spend it on themselves.

Then I left my abusive husband, and was in a bit of a mess. I was looking at houses that I could afford, but it was all a bit depressing. I viewed a beautiful place, and made an appointment with a mortgage advisor with my fingers crossed, after having my offer accepted. Then a counter offer came in.

My lovely Mum and Dad transferred the entire balance into my bank account immediately. I didn't ask, but they desperately wanted me and their DGCs to have a nice house.
They then transferred the same to my sibling, to make it fair.

My DPs are amazing.

No help but I don't resent it. In my final year of Uni my dad (although he has money) refused to even lend me £40 to fix my computer. I was doing a BSc in Computer Science at the time so kind of essential!

In conversations with friends, I am always amazed that their kids go from he loves this, she loves that, they are both so happy TO not even tried to get a job, won't lift a finger, contributes nothing! When do your kids stop being your kids and you start to want a full contribution and you want to throw them out of their own front door?? ( That's from two of my friends who actually did do that). My kids are my kids - one is ultra self sufficient, career stable and living 'the life' the other has had 2 children (my little stars) but needs a lot of support and often has really bad months. If I could win the lottery they would both get their homes paid for but I know that for one of my kids that would be worth a lot more than it would to the other. It wouldn't matter to me if they had both ended up needing help - I would be there, however it's an instinct thing - Son wouldn't accept any help

@BrightLightsAndSound my parents didn't help me to buy a house, I have one and DH & I purchased it ourselves, however they gave my brother 15k as a deposit between them, it doesn't bother me at all, he's younger would have struggled and we didn't need the money, we have a second house we rent out and it was our plan to sell this and split four ways for our kids to have some cash towards a property, but we have a large age gap, our eldest is 19 and the next is only 10 so it stands to reason we wouldn't sell in two years when he's ready to buy so I have a contingency plan of £15 a week towards helping him, it won't be loads of cash but anything is better than nothing and we will probably help him out with as much as we can 'spare' at the time, when he comes to be ready to buy, I didn't have four children and plan to help each out with 10-15k for a house, each ones circumstances will be different and we will judge that as and when. I don't think it's a parents responsibility to do so, but as a parent I believe that you should want your children's happiness to prevail, and if we can spare the cash to make a dream come true we will, at the moment it's looking likely that my £15 a week will be pumped into a camper for him to travel in, but if that's what he wants, who am I to judge!!! 😂

My parents don't have a pot to piss in, in fact nobody in my family does. I'm saving for a deposit because I want to secure my own future. I wouldn't turn the offer down if a relative gave me say £20k towards a house of course I wouldn't! But I would class that as me being extremely fortunate and it would be a gift, definitely not an entitlement. My family love me to the ends of the earth and I love them the same, I know they would help me if they could and I them.

I know some people who have had massive head-starts due to inheritance etc. One guy I know had a house bought in cash for him from his parents. It cost over £170,000 and I admit yes it makes me feel bitter as fuck.

SupplychainNpton

Well done to your parents - and do you know - you wouldn't have been here if they didn't want the responsibility of having a family - your parents are top hole! I always wonder what life would have been like without my kids - OMG so much life missed out on!! They deserve everything we can pass on to them, they are our world after all - they are gorgeous trusting human beings and we are constantly amazed that they were made by us!!! We are not all rich - lovely if we were - but if we have kids they have enriched our lives - kept us focused and in some cases they have kept us together!! The circle of life xxx

When my dh and I bought our first place both sets of parents released some inheritance. It will be deducted in the future. Without that we would still be renting. I think it depends on the person/family member.

Your parents may not have had help but they definitely had it a lot easier when it comes to uni fees and buying houses.
I’ve managed to buy a house without my parents help but only by saving since getting a job at 16. I often wish my parents could have helped me out a bit, it would just take the pressure of this massive mortgage off a little. I hope people who do get help realise they are lucky

No help for me from parents, I've helped with a deposit for a house, I've been disowned so wish I hadn't bothered, there will be raised eyebrows when I'm gone because I've disowned him.

My Dad funded the deposit for my first house. Then a further 10k to buy my second house.

I am eternally grateful to him for this, and I realise how incredibly lucky I am. I can't imagine ever having been able to save enough to buy for myself and I truly admire those who do.

I have 1 DD & if I'm ever in a position to help her onto the property ladder I will - my dad has nothing, not even his own house. But I believe my mum is in a position to help us buy, but she hasn't offered. Who knows if she will one day. She's not rolling in it though, still has her own mortgage so she might just not be able to. But yes, if I could I would give me daughter a house, the moon & the stars

Mine and DH’s parents have helped us with house deposits, etc. And now DH and I are saving for our DC’s uni funds. We also kept hold of our old flat when we moved (by overstretching ourselves) so that our DCs can use it when they’re older.

I can’t imagine seeing my DCs struggle if I knew I could help them out.

And I know the received MN wisdom is that no one is entitled to anything and it’s greedy and grabby to expect grandparents even to baby sit once a year, but personally, I think parents who have the means to help out their adult children and don’t are dicks.

My parents often lend me small amounts of money and give me a bit of cash here and there (not a lot, maybe 50 a couple of times a year to take dc on a day out). They've told me that I have inheritance coming and it will be enough to put a deposit on a house, but obviously I don't get it until they're both no longer of this world. Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky to be getting anything and I appreciate that. However, it would be really handy now while we are in our early 30s with a young family to put towards a house of our own rather than literally throwing it away renting, as we are now. In the last 8 year's alone I've spent over 50k renting, and that's In cheap houses in small towns. I could have paid a third off a mortgage on a reasonable house in less than a decade spending that (well not really, because of interest etc, but you see what I mean). My mum is happy to help, as the money isn't necessarily tied up, but my dad refuses. And it's completely within his rights to do so, but it does bother me when he lent/gave a larger sum than I would need to one of my sister's to get a bigger house when she already owned her first home and yet refuses to help me out. If he hadn't helped her, I don't think I would feel the same about the fact he won't help me, though!

My parents wouldn't do this for me but dp parents would and have. And me and dp would do the same for our ds. If we have the money of course. I do think it's to do with wealth because dps family has money where as mine don't. I believe if they did they would give us money. So yeah wealth

It’s nothing to do with wealth, it’s attitudes to money.

My father is a multimillionaire but doesn’t help us out financially at all.

He thinks nothing of spending £250k on a car or purchasing another boat that he likes the look of but had me begging to borrow £2k for a new boiler when I hit a really rough patch this year.

If we go out for lunch I am expected to pay my way, I don’t remember the last time I was treated to lunch by my father.

He believes you make your own way and anything else leads to spoiled, entitled people.

This lesson of his has taught me nothing, only how to be resentful and sad that I am punished because my father is fortunate enough to have been in the right place at the right time.

I work as hard as he has yet will never earn as much as him. In his situation I would be doing all I could to have my children feel safe and secure.

My parents grew up working class but by education & very good jobs ended up in a v wealthy middle class town. I did notice schoolmates at 6th form got stuff I didnt: free driving lessons, a brand new car for their 18th etc. Everyone's different.

When I was at university my dad paid my rent and gave me enough to pay food and bills, and I worked for anything else I wanted, eg going out, new clothes etc.

My husbands parents similarly supported him at university, I think with a bit more money than I was given. But both of us had sufficient.

Other than that we haven’t received help. It never occurred to me that our parents would pay towards our housing once we were independent and actually I got engaged a year before finishing university and moved in with now husband. Because my fiancé was working my dad stopped financial support to me.

I don’t feel remotely hard done by.

Carp would it in any way help to remind your dad that if he makes gifts to you before death it is more tax efficient? It's all very well saying you should make your own way etc, but if he dies with all his wealth a fair whack will get eaten up in death duties. If he can help you out with things like getting the boiler fixed etc - things which are are fairly essential- then its hardly creating spoiled entitlement.

If he is fairly hard-nosed then the tax angle might be something worth considering. I personally think that it is all very well to say you need to make your own way etc, but there is a happy medium. Asking for 2 k to repair the boiler is a bit different than asking for 2 k because you've seen a handbag you like.

My parents were, poor, divorced and gave me nothing and my DH ‘s parents left him a little legacy which he put straight into paying back some mortgage. We have worked hard for many years and have become a bit better off than when we started out.

It was part of the pleasure of being somewhat less hand to mouth that we could help our children out. We gave some money to our DD when she bought her house with her boyfriend and his parents gave him some deposit cash too. But both sets of parents have also passed on a prudent attitude to money and both children save. They were incredibly grateful when we helped them and My DD, her BF and our DS all have demanding jobs, pay their way in life and contribute towards tax, NI and student loans.

My DS, in contrast, declared she would never give money to her children as the state could support them with student loans. Her three DDs have big debts, therefore, and a different attitude to money. One works on short contracts and travels and another has thrown up a job to go travelling with her BF. The third is at university and is working part time to help fund herself.

My DS Had less than serious jobs for about seven years when she started out and hit her first proper, full time job very late. She also moved areas to get her children into good schools and had to start her mortgage again. These decisions affected her financial security and retirement date and she is quite bitter about it though she blames others and not herself. She seems unaware that passing her habits on to her children and not helping them out financially will affect their futures too.

I think that helping children if you can is a good thing as long as they use the money wisely and appreciate it. I never blamed my mother for not being able to help me. I think you have to take the circumstances you are given and not blame others for being ‘lucky’ or better off.

Each family to their own. Back when I was going to uni my parents paid the recommended contribution to the grant, my fees were paid by local authority and I took a loan out for the rest. I wasn’t given driving lessons or a car at 17, I was given some money at 18 to spend on what I wanted - couple of hundred quid. Once I left uni I took out a graduate loan to pay rent as my 12 hours in retail didn’t cover it but I had a September job lined up. After a year in the job I paid for driving lessons and was given vouchers towards these off family for Xmas. I took finance out for my first car. I took out a 125% mortgage to buy my first house. DM bought me a piece of furniture. Nothing from DF (they’re divorced). Met my partner and sold my house. Used equity to pay off student loan ( bad move I know) and we jointly took another 125% mortgage to buy a house together. Both sets of parents refused to stand as guarantor. Relocated and sold house with £0 equity after fees. Rented a while. Bought new home with a 100% mortgage.
Fast forward 20 years and I’m divorced with children. I’m still in the house as it’s worth less than when I bought it. My DM has offered to help try and get me out of the house by paying off what’s left on the mortgage if I sold it but tbh I’d be back a square 1 with no deposit and rent is way more than my current mortgage. When my car packed up I went to get a new one and was going to buy second hand but my DM has insisted on helping with the monthly payments on a new car so is paying the difference on what I would have paid on a second hand car. She buys me meals out and has taken us on holiday and helps out with kids extra curricular activities. DF gives me £0. Says I’ll get it all when he dies. My DM helps me out as she’s the sort of person who enjoys giving and she can also see that my sister and family have a wonderful lifestyle with well paid jobs. She contributes to a savings account for my kids so when they’re 18 or so they can use it to pay for uni/buy a car/first house etc as those things are harder to come by since they were when I was 18, and I’ll likely not afford to help them out. The ex’s parents also have savings accounts for the kids too. Not sure how much help he gets these days from them.
I do get slightly envious of people who get given houses/cars etc on a plate and basically can freely spend their earnings. I don’t let it get to me.

I should also add that I will help out my children when they are older and if I have means to. Will have to wait and see. I will inherit in the future but who knows when that’ll be and how much. It’s sad to think I’ll only be better off at the death of someone else - or if I ever meet a future partner with a decent job and I’ll be splitting my living costs with another person rather than paying them out in my own.

My DP opened a little account the day his DD was born, and added to it regularly all her life so she would have something for a wedding (he's a bit old fashioned, bless). She chose to take most of it to help with a deposit and kept some back which she used this year for her wedding. DP felt his responsibility to give her choices once she was grown up, he and his wife (deceased) didn't earn a fortune but he prioritised some money every month for this nest egg.

DP's DD is a lawyer, well settled and probably could have done it herself but DP loved being able to help, DD was so grateful for DPs forethought and loved dragging him round flats to tap on walls and stamp on floors (why do men do that?). DPs Parents did more practical stuff for him like building cupboards, gardening and bringing plants, putting up shelves, making curtains etc. because less cash available.
My DM has always helped when we were starting out, me and DB know we can ask if we really need it but neither of us would take the piss. She also made curtains, passed on crockery, furniture and painted rooms.
I agree parents who can help and don't seem a bit strange to me. It doesn't always have to be cash - time and experience, practical assistance is also (more?) valuable.