AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

My parents helped me enormously when I was young. Not that they were well off. They weren't at all. But they always have what they could because in our family, it's all about helping out your own where you can. Whether that's financial or otherwise. They saved any moneys given for birthdays and what they could afford into a bank account and gave me that when I bought a house. I had my own deposit too but needed an extra £5k as I wanted the mortgage to be the same as the rent I was paying at the time so they gave me that too as they felt it was better for me to have a smaller outgoing as possible.

We never had any help but our parents weren’t really in a position to. Similarly I’m not really in a position to help my dc but he has an inheritance from a relative so won’t need it.

Nope, no help. However DH and I both came from families where money was extremely tight. In fairness if they'd had it then they would have helped us.

We bought our first place at the height of the last boom which lost £1000s. We both worked second jobs for years to pay down the negative equity and sold up when sale prices matched the amount of our outstanding mortgage, having saved up a new deposit from scratch. So it is do-able, however we don't have DC and live in the North where prices are more affordable. If we'd had kids and were in the SE we would have been stuck.

Our parents never helped with anything not even driving lessons. We were expected to get on and work.
My dsis helps her son a lot, childcare, money, taking out loans etc. It's now bitten her big time My other sis has done similar and they now have entitled 30 year olds. . Mine are teenagers and I'm being more like my parents.

From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

^This crap excuse is always given but it really is a load of rubbish. I know plenty of people who had helped with deposits and they completely understand the value of money

My parents have always loaned me money at zero interest but I have always paid it back as soon as I can. I have worked from the first chance I could of working and have worked full time from the first chance this was legal. As a result my dear old Dad was happy to loan me money as he knew I would always pay him back. My sister on the other hand took the piss repeatedly and she owed him thousands at the point he died so he changed his will in my favour to reflect that and included a letter explaining why he had done this. Didn't stop her going mad about it and trying to contest the will but she failed.
I think it's the piss take bit that irks parents. I loaned my step son some money (lots) to start his own business. He immediately bought a Merc and then sent a letter saying he wouldn't pay it back. I threatened to sue him and he paid it back but cut all ties. So long as the piss isn't taken I think it can work nicely.

One parent couldn't afford it and the other probably could but it wouldn't as I expect it would effect his ridiculous lifestyle. Doesn't bother me. I have friends who have been helped, no jealousy just happy for them.

My parents could never help me and my siblings as we were a working class family and they never owned their own home.

The one thing me and my siblings resent though is never being told the realities of the housing market and the importance of savings.

We knew nothing about mortgages, owning your house etc and we feel even if you cannot afford to help your child get on the housing ladder, you should at least give them knowledge and we were failed there big time.

Best not to expect anything. I never had any financial help but I'm okay with that. Everyone is different.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

It's a big "it depends" for me. Fundamentally, family should help one another, and if A tells B that he should struggle to attain something because of some greater moral purpose, the only lesson I take from that is that A values his ideals more than he values B. But their relative incomes/ability to save/long-term goals etc make a difference, of course. And (in the SE, anyway, not sure about elsewhere) it is currently one of those periods where getting on the property ladder is very difficult without help - so if the "We did it, you should too" attitude doesn't take that into account, it's rather ignorant. (And even if you went through something difficult, why would you want your child to suffer the same?)

I know what you mean, but the only time it’s bothered me was at university. Because of what my parents earned I got the minimum loan available, because it’s assumed parents will help out, but my parents didn’t give me any money at all during uni. Obviously their money to do as they liked with but it was annoying to have uni funding linked to parents’ earning. I had friends who because of their parents’ salaries got the full loan and full grant, their parents still managed to give them some extra money and they were able to afford holidays during summer while I worked all through uni, during term and the holidays. As I said, it is their money and maybe I’m more annoyed at the student loan system than my parents, but I do see where you’re coming from.

We were helped out (by both parents) for house deposit and wedding, but both were freely offered and the subject was never raised by us - we originally bought our house as DHs DGM said "here's x amount, use it for a house deposit" and my dad, at around the same time said "when are you going to buy a house? Here's x amount for a deposit" just happened to be the same amount as DGM gave us.

When we told DHs DGF we were having a second baby, he said "with that bathroom? You can't recover from birth properly (he's a retired OBGYN) with that bathroom, here's x to get it done up".

DHs parents then offered money to decorate the second nursery.

We are very very fortunate that A. they want to help us out and B. they can afford to. I think it also helps that we never ask, never raise the issue of money and so they don't feel they have to give it. My sister is constantly tapping my father up for money, so he put a stop to it and when she came to buy a house he didn't offer her a bean.

My parents could afford to generously help us. They won't, they say it's up to me and my husband to support ourselves. I suppose if I'm honest I do feel slight pangs of jealousy when I read about it on here but I do try to not let it bother me.

I had no help and managed to buy a property and have a reasonable standard of living. I fully intend to help my sons when they move onto the property ladder because financially I think it’s tougher now with higher deposits needed. They may as well benefit now while they’re young and can enjoy it.

Everything I have I have got by myself. I'm proud of my house because I earnt it.
I remember talking to my friends DH about how hard it is to get on the housing ladder and asked him if he had any help from his parents, he replied "no I've done it all myself, they only gave me £50k" .
Another friend has just posted on fb bragging about buying her first house, no mention or thanks to her mum who gave her £200k towards it.
Both these friends are very entitled and have never taken financial responsibility for anything as they know their parents will always bail them out.

I think we will do the same for our DC if we can. But I think it helped both our parents to know we were self relient, we never expected the money. We both had jobs as teenagers, rarely asked for money through uni (and if we did it was for something big and important like rent, where our loans hadn't come in yet and was repaid when they did). We then got jobs immediately out of uni, saved up to buy a house etc.

I wouldn't help out a child who hadn't tried to help themselves, wouldn't hold down a job or expected others to pick up the tab.

My parents helped us to get on property ladder, my husbands parents didn't. Both are about the same financially but have very different viewpoints- my parents want us to have the security of a roof over our heads and to an extent to give us options when our children are young (working PT/extended May leave) whereas my FIL believes that he has given his kids a good education (both family's helped with education costs) so it is up to you now. There is no right or wrong, I think it is when people expect that is when there is a problem. I know this post is more about financial but help is not just financial (childcare, time, helping with DIY ect), time is something that can't be bought and is so precious.

I have never had help from parents. It never occurred to my parents or my PIL to help us.
While I think my children will need financial help given the way things are, I don't think it does anyone any good to be handed things that others struggle for. It's difficult.

My parents never gave me money towards a house or even a car - although my father lent me the money for a car and I had to pay it back every month. My mother, however, did not trust me with 'her' money and refused to give me anything. The consequences were that when she died I was presented with a large inheritance tax bill - all that money thrown away because she didn't trust me. I still feel upset about it.

Growing up my parents never flashed the cash and I had a part time job during school, the value of money was a big deal. However they kindly helped me with a house deposit (I already had saved a house deposit, but thus meant I needed a smaller mortgage). I'm forever grateful and it was absolutely no strings attached. PIL's on the other hand like to flash the cash but think that giving us £20 (that we didn't ask for) entitles them to a say on everything! Eh no, you can keep your money!

I have given 2 of my children deposits for a house. Another paid her debts and another keep afloat on a regular basis. I want to help them. It’s a no brainer. I still don’t buy all I can for myself. I am quite frugal but I don’t have to worry about paying bills or replacing stuff that has gone wrong. Not a holiday person but could go if I wanted.

Although finAncial help shouldn’t be expected, I can’t think why you wouldn’t want to help if you could. Things are different for the current generation and for many parental help is the only way on to the property market. I think the difference in accessibility to property between generations needs to be recognised. Through rising house prices my parents have managed to create enough wealth to buy four properties. Not to say they didn’t work hard but they could buy on one salary and only had to save a nominal deposit. Without a rich spouse or extremely well paid job I will never be able to afford the house I grew up in. I had help from my parents and I really don’t feel bad about it. I would do the same for mine. I could not sleep at night if I had several properties but my son was stuck renting. What’s the point in having assets of not to help your kids? If you hang on to it all it will likely all go on care costs. Plus people need help when they are young not when you pop your clogs at 90 and they are in their 60s.

I also don’t think financial help makes adult kids spoilt. I actually think helping buy a home can teach young people a lot. You become responsible for servicing a huge mortgage and need to make good decisions. I think it is far better to help kids move out the home (either rent or buy) than infantalise them at home until they are 35! I have seen so many friends satay at home rent free and love the life of a king! Parents do all the housework, all money is spent on fun. These kids have NO idea about the value for money. They also have little incentive to move out as they don’t want to leave their lifestyle. Fine if you make sure your child is saving or charge them rent but rediciulous I’d you let them just live the life of Riley!

If we have the means then we'll help our DDs (no sons, we're not being odd-handed!). We chose to have them. They both know the value of money and would see anything as kind support and not as a given right.

My parents were very generous to me and my siblings. Our uni fees, first cars and home down payments were given. My mum has given all her grandchildren money to buy cars.

Dh and I are not nearly as solvent as my mother but we definetly give help to our children as needed. I often wish we could do more.