AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

My parents have always been generous with whatever they have. They are not wealthy compared to many, but have always had enough and always been generous helping each of us kids out as they could. I hope I'm the same with what I have to them and to my children.

My parents aren’t massively well off, but they have been careful with money and managed to save all of their working lives to be able to give me and my sister £50,000 each for a deposit on a house.
They also helped with first cars etc and with a bit of debt when we were younger.
Husbands parents are millionaires, own business, drive around in £50,000 cars, think nothing of spending £20,000 on a holiday.
They have NEVER helped us with a penny.
In fact our washing machine, fridge and oven died within a week of each other and they lent us the £800 we needed and we had to pay them back at £100 a month.
They just don’t realise that it’s not all for our benefit, their 2 young grand children would have been without food and clean clothes.
I will 100% be helping my kids out when they’re older.
I think sometimes the reason people have money is because they are tight with money.

I think if your parents can help then they're a bit cruel not to, but then again it is still heir money.

My parents helped me and I greatly appreciated the leg up that I had. I definitely intend to do the same for my children.
Having said that, I expect them to have the right attitude to saving up some for themselves. I will help them, if they help themselves. If there is any sign of entitlement, then no.

My DC go to a fee paying school and as far as I am concerned that is our way of investing in their future. I've already told them that once they finish college etc. I'll help them with their first months rent and rental deposit but after that they are to pay and save for themselves. I won't give my DC handouts for nothing as I do not think that is a good lesson in life.

My eldest DC never asks for anything but wants a new phone. He saved half of the money himself and we will pay the other half for his birthday. If I am flush when I am older, which I doubt as all our spare money goes on school fees, I will give what I can towards a deposit on a house or a wedding, but only if I see they have worked and saved hard as well.

A lot of celebrities are saying that they will not leave everything to their DC, that they should earn it for themselves so that they value it more.

My parents helped me to buy my first house, paid for around £5K of repairs on an old cottage, as my mum felt I would never get a house if they didn't. She was right, because the market exploded soon after, and I would never have been able to afford one.

When my marriage broke up and I couldn't borrow enough to keep my house, they loaned me the difference. I have always paid my own way though and never borrowed off them for bills or the mortgage.

My brother will inherit the family business, so they have tried to help me a bit as we go along, but they are not wealthy.

I doubt very much that I will be able to help DC though, as a single parent, we live day to day and can't afford to put money away for the future, plus I will be paying the mortage into my late 60's.

So I don't think you are being grabby, and I think it is sad that your parents don't want to help you with a deposit. I don't agree with bailing people out of debt or people expecting their parents to sort out their problems, but a house deposit is different, a small amount now could set you up for life. so YANBU.

My parents are not very wealthy but our family home was a big house that was worth a lot of money. It was also costing my parents a lot of money to run it (basically all of their incomes went on the running of the house/ groceries) so when I was ready to move out my parents decided to downsize and gave me a deposit for a flat off the sale of the family house and they've put by the same amount of money for my Dsis for when she's ready to move out.

I work full time but my parents knew that if I were to start privately renting I'd never be able to save a deposit and would probably never get on the housing ladder so wanted to help. I had never been expecting it so am very grateful for what they've done for me and I think it's brought me closer to them as it was such a big and kind gesture in my eyes.

So because of my experience I would of course want to do the same for my DC in the future (even if they have their own money) and the help that I've had from my parents has allowed this because even if I never end up wealthy I will have equity in my house.

So I don't think YABU to feel a bit sad that your parents haven't done something similar for you, even though they have the funds available.

You should stand on your own two feet (including house deposits) and be grateful for anything you get.
People are way too grabby these days.

In the world I live in most parents don’t have a large pot full of cash ready to give as house deposits or fully fund through uni.
Most have a modest house and income with maybe a modest pension.
I think MN is a bit detached from most people’s reality.

My parents helped towards half the cost of my first car, and things like they bought my dd her first buggy. My dad bought me a printer/scanner for my work out of the blue which was so thoughtful as it never crossed my mind to ask, it just arrived on the doorstep out of the blue. They do things often like pay for ice creams on family days out or buy lunch, stuff like that. My dad very kindly (and trustingly) lent us his car to go on holiday when ours broke down three days before we were due to leave. So over the years they have showed us they care in lots of ways both financial and non-financial. I know, for example, we would be welcome to stay with them if we ever lost our home or anything like that.

I know when our dd grows up that we will want to help her however we can, financially if we are able to, and just to be there to support her. I get the theory of standing on your own two feet and appreciating stuff more etc but if I had the power to help my child if they were struggling then I would, I could never sit back and watch them struggle if there was something I could do to change that. Not helping your children financially if you have pots of cash to spare may on paper seem perfectly justifiable, but on an emotional level it will in fact just look like you don't give a shit about your child's well being and make them feel like you don't care.

Well we are probably the kind of parents many of you hate. We're very comfortably off, lovely house, cars & spend a lot on multiple holidays. This has only been possible in the latter years of our careers, early on we were pretty poor.

We have supported DC through education but have not provided house deposits or anything like that. DC1 rents at 31, DC2 bought at 29 after saving up around £25k for 3 years with his GF. They are low-ish earners and went without to save. As did we at that age.

The only help we've given is the final £2k DC2 needed to complete his purchase and we also gave DC1 about £2k towards a car and flat deposit when a relationship broke down and he would have had to move and leave his job without our help. So for both, as long as they are working hard and doing everything they can to manage independently, we'll help if really needed but we are not handing out cash willy nilly.

I am quite risk averse and have always lived entirely within my means. The desire for more disposable income made me work hard for promotion. I want DC to be independent and either accept their income and live within it or choose to pursue better jobs if they want more.

@Dontsweatthelittlestuff
Agree, parents can't give what they don't have. In OP's post however she says her parents do have the means but won't help because they have the mindset of 'in my day, we did it ourselves, never had debt and bought our first house at 22 on an entry level salary'.

I personally find it really patronising, as the financial world now is so so so different than when our parents were at this stage. It simply doesn't work the way it did 30 years ago. And don't get me started on the ones who blame not affording a £30k deposit on buying avocado on toast For the record, I hate avocado 😂

I can't imagine not helping out my DC if I was able to (assuming they were competent hard working people etc etc). Obviously your parents don't owe you anything hut I can't quite understand living a lavish lifestyle or keeping lots of money I'll never use in savings when I could give the next generation a leg up.

Neither DH nor I had direct help with deposits .DH did inherit some money from a grandparent though, which partly went as his deposit on our house.
My friends’ parents gave them each a very generous deposit towards their first homes, which has meant that they have gradually graded up and now have homes worth well over a million. We haven’t saved for this with our dds, but I think we should start.

It all depends on everybody’s individual situation. I am immensely grateful to my mum and step dad. They are doing very well financially. They gifted me and DP a substantial sum towards a house deposit. They are very generous with money as a whole (will never accept money from us towards meals out etc).

DP’s parents don’t have a lot, but they have still been generous. DP is one of three, and when his parents came in to a few grand from an inheritance, they gifted DP and his siblings £1000 each.

If we have kids in the future, I want to be in a position to help them to buy a property, or pay university fees. If you have the option to help, in this day and age it feels quite mean not to, in my opinion.

My parents won’t help/offer unless they see us doing for ourselves first. So with first house, DH and I asked if we could live with them to save which they apply agreed to (they charged us rent, but obviously much cheaper than renting our own place). Then when we finally had enough money and started looking, they then offered us some money to make it go a bit further etc. They have done this a few times. When I was 17 I had to get a job to save for a car and driving lessons, and then Dad bought me a car when he saw how hard I was working for it (a cheap run around not a new one but I was soooo pleased with it) It taught me to work hard and that there are no handouts, but also helped me a lot. I think their approach was right and will do the same for my children.

I think if parents can help there is a lot to be said for giving that help at a point in time when it is most useful.

Far better for 60 something parents to give a leg-up to children in their thirties, when they might be wanting to start a family or get on the housing ladder, than for those parents to die at 80 and be leaving money (subject to inheritance tax) to children who are in their 50s.

We would have never been able to buy a house without the deposit being given by our parents and grandparents.

We know how incredibly lucky we are to have had parents who did this for us, and that not all people have the same opportunity.

I agree with the sentiments of a previous poster ..no matter what some MN's tell you..they will have had help to buy a house, or have been very lucky to come into enough money somehow to get a deposit.

No one has a right to hand out from their parents..there may be history behind the reasons..but it's sad that some people struggle with rents and poor accommodation whilst parents are comfortably off with 10's of thousands in the bank doing nothing.

I bought a flat as a student with my dad as guarantor. So no actual financial contribution.
My parents have given my DB quite a bit of financial help, and it does irritate me quite a bit, not because I think it's my right but because he only needs it as he's very bad with money.

Mine are like the OP, had all the uni grants etc, bought a house at 90k now worth 900k. Big earners etc, so away bi-monthly plus Little weekend breaks etc.
I had stood on my feet, bought up but smaller house etc. Even 10-20% if their holiday spending would change the lives of grandkids opportunity wise. Whilst I don’t expect anything it bemuses me.

We fully plan to help dc, our financial planning considers this

Both DH and I have had help from our parents for house deposits, cars etc (before and after we got together). It has always been a loan though. I appreciate how fortunate we have been to have parents who could do this for us and hope to be able to provide this for my children.

IME if parents dont want to help their children out there is usually a good reason. That may be because their children are entitled, grabby and treat them like a cash machine (but not putting anything in the bank) or because they need the money for something else e.g one child is always going to need financial support for health reasons and that leaves little for the other.

And the a sandwich doesnt go anywhere towards housing costs argument is rubbish. If you cut out waste you need less from your parents and demonstrate that you are trying to help yourselves.

Personally I wanted, and still want, to look after myself. I took nothing from my parents after 18, my siblings always had their hands out and had a major shock when they finally had no-one to support them.

My own child has been given, as most of the people on this thread, a far better childhood than most people my age ever had. They have already been given money they can spend on house purchase or whatever else they please. My child doesnt have to live in the south east - why should I have to pay for all their choices?

People who think they can spend their own money as they please (sandwich and fancy coffee anyone?) and expect someone else to bail them out forever for bad choices are grabby and entitled.

I dont know if you are entitled and grabby, OP, but might be better spending your time working out how to help yourself.

My parents never had much money to spare - no holidays, clothes from her catalogue, no trendy toys or technology. Lots of love though, and encouragement to work hard at whatever we were good at. I was academic, went to uni and dad faithfully took a day off at the start and end of every term to transport me. He’d slip me a tenner every now and then, and mum would make up small food parcels. My brother is not academic, left school at 16 but he’d had jobs since he was 13 - found an apprenticeship, got practical qualifications and now earns loads more than me.

Between us, we are now supporting our parents, who are comfortable day to day but have no rainy day money. We’ve paid for house repairs, improvements, new car and I’ve offered to pay for cleaner and gardeners which so far have been declined.

I would never expect parents to support their adult children financially. It’s lovely if they do, but I’m afraid I do regard it as grabby to think they should do it.

No and it's never crossed my mind. My parents are well off but are entitled to every last penny they've earned as far as I'm concerned.

@alreadytaken
So you slate people who are entitled and "make bad choices" but give your own kid house deposit money?