AIBU and a bit grabby?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Seems like (judging by MN) loads of people get help with being given money for a house deposit or to fund uni, keep reading things like "my dad sold his house so gave us kids a bit of money" etc etc.

In my family even though they can afford it my parents wont give any of us kids help with deposit etc or any kind of money "just because". From their POV they believe in doing things for yourself becaise you value it more and they had to etc etc etc.

Where do you stand on this issue personally, because Im a bit torn. I admit I feel a bit jealous sometimes when I hear a friend has bought sonewhere bevause their parents helped them out with a deposit although i try not to let it eat away at me

I've just bought a house with money inherited from my dad last year. It has helped us fast forward through about 3-5 years of financial planning. My dad offered to help me out with a deposit in the past, and could afford to although he wasn't what you would class as wealthy. I didnt feel right taking anything off him back then.

So we are now in a much better position. But I'd have my dad back and go back to my little rented house in a heartbeat.

I would (and will) help my kids out. I've got a small (as in, wish it was bigger) pot of c.6k for each and add to this regularly. I have also set aside part of my inheritance from my dad to give them a good start in their adult lives. So by the time they are 21 they will be able to put a deposit on a house, or buy a car, or take a year to travel. I would do more, if I could.

I wouldn't expect any parent to HAVE to help their child out, but as I am able, I will.

My parents own more than my in laws. My dad inherited nothing, not sure how much my mum inherited but my parents didn't need it.

My in laws inherited and helped DH and I onto the property ladder.

My parents were probably in a better position to help than the inlaws.

My parents helped more with an unconditional loan and also a big gift towards our wedding. They have also helped with interest free loans in the past.

DH will inherit from his grandad. This will, being frank, help us out massively. His grandad could help us now but we won't ask and I don't think his grandad realises.

If I had money I would never need/use I would pass it on.

It's each to their own and dependant on the generation

No help with from my parents. They've always made it clear there won't be much left after they've died either.

But they've given me emotional help loads.

It ends up kind of pointless comparing though. My parents would babysit, take the kids in the holidays but I had friends whose parents regularly house and babysat for a week so they could go on holiday alone with the grandparents getting up and taking kids to school etc. Mine would not. It made me envious but it didn't change anything. That's just what they are like. 🤷‍♀️

Our parents help with school fees and (outright) house purchases.

We are terribly childish, earn a pittance doing fun/arty/creative jobs (although we do work hard at them) and have no idea what it's like to live in the real world.

We are awful at budgeting.

I wish in a way that I had been thrown in at the deep end and known there was no safety net.

But here we are.

I know what you mean, OP. In fact, all of my friends/peers were given help with first home, in some cases were given homes. Lucky them. We never got any help, but did not expect it. PIL"s did at one point offer to loan us deposit, but it turned out that was only if we moved onto their street. Er, no thanks.

We helped DD with a deposit some years ago, but it was a small sum and very manageable. Now for DS and family, we can't possibly come up with an amount that would make a purchase possible, and still make their mortgage payment doable. Northern California prices are prohibitive. Average home price just hit $935,000 - so if we gave them a 20% down payment of $187,000 it would still leave monthly payment of around $3,600 a month. Not possible. It really worries me sick. They probably have to move out of state and I can't bear that. I'd have them live with us, but they don't want that, and I can't blame them.

They'll get our house when we go, but we are not anticipating that anytime soon. No other inheritances in the office. It is a horrible time to be young parents.

We didn’t have much money but I had a small legacy and split it between 5 dc including step dc.

I never received a penny in financial help from my parents, they had nothing anyway. But, I can afford to help my DC....and I do!
But I don’t expect them to sit back and do nothing, they’re all hardworking and pretty independent!

Most of our financial help has come inheritence from grand parents on both sides.
A relative on my side and Pil have also been very generous.
DD18 as a fair amount in her savings and we intend to help out with things such as a house deposit as much as we can.

I think it's unreasonable ti expect money. It's theirs and you're not automatically entitled. Have a sil who thinks money fron our mil should be given to her now(she will inherit with bil anyway) but I don't care if mil spends it all/ gives it to squirrels in need fund as it hers to do as she wants and sil is a money grabbing cf!!!

My family won’t even be a garuntor for me so I can try and set things up for myself, nevermind give me a deposit and they certainly could... driving round in £40,000 cars and a huge house and motorhome/jacuzzi/fancy holidays/etc

In fact when I was younger I was made to pay over half my wage in rent but also buy my own food and clean up for them

Yanbu because I do feel jealous a lot, but it really makes me appreciate so much when my friends help me out and I know I have a home full of love unlike their empty expensive one (which is how they want it btw the DC just ‘make a mess’)

And I know that everything I will have later in life I will have earned for myself and I will be the one to help my DC buy their houses/cars even if I barely have anything to give

Unfortunately in my case they’re just greedy and didn’t do it to teach me any life lessons, in fact they wouldn’t be where they are without their parents helping them out massively

Let them keep it all I say, we can be jealous for a moment and then realise what we have is so much more

I don't think adult children are owed anything from their parents. My parents are not in the best of health and I've made it clear to them that their priority needs to be making sure they have enough cash to live well and pay for good care.

But it does make me feel sad when all my friends are off buying houses, and I'm still renting a room in a shared house with several other people. I feel like I'm being left behind and like my life is lagging several stages behind everyone :( I'm nearly 30, single, still yet to qualify in my career, don't own a house...

Ah well. Some people are luckier than others. I will have to buy a ticket for the Euromillions tomorrow and hope for the best!

Oh and although they aren’t close to being old enough for me to consider what I’d be left in any will, I’m an only child and would almost garuntee I won’t get the house/car/savings... they’ll be left to relatives in their own generation like my aunts and uncles

My parents weren't in a position to help financially. But, if they had been better off, I think I would have felt uncomfortable taking their money when I was an adult. As they got older, I paid off my mother's debts.

My own children have all had financial help as teenagers. If we were to help them now (20s/30s), we would have to make sacrifices. We don't have spare cash but we don't have debt and could spend less.

If they needed money, we would do what we could. Otherwise, they expect to look after themselves.

I think it's fine to support your children while they study. After that, well, how someone spends their money is up to them, but, personally, as an adult, I wouldn't have wanted my parents to spend their money on me. I felt it was up to me to support the lifestyle I wanted.

My parents are working class and have never had a lot of money.

They are hugely generous and, although they didn't lend us money toward a deposit, they did buy us a washing machine, various bits of furniture, and some other bits and pieces.

DH's parents didn't help us to get on the housing ladder, either. They are relatively wealthy and have a lot of disposable income (several holidays a year, MIL has a house in her room just for handbags, etc). Their attitude to money was a bit of a shock tbh, and took me a while to adjust to. E.g. when DH (then just my bf) had just finished uni and was looking for work, his car needed a new battery. His parents eventually agreed to by him one, but sent him an invoice for it and made him set up a payment plan

They also made some very bad financial decisions, sadly one of them under DH's name, and this made it really difficult for us to get on the housing ladder at all.

It was a bit weird when my parents were giving my DH really heartfelt gifts for his 30th, and his own parents didn't get him anything.

They are really lovely people, but the way they look at money is not something I understand.

Aaaanyway, I seem to have digressed from the point somewhat

My parents were working class and we've had no help from them or my MIL, but she has setup educational trusts for both the DC that will pay most of their university costs, which is massive in the US. We never expected that help but have been very grateful for it. DH was already on the property ladder when we met, without any help from her. His father died in his late 50's but was a high earner. She's been a wonderful MIL, nothing but respectful and kind to me.

She's in her upper 80's and doing quite well. Someday DH may inherit or she could live to be 102 and spend it all in a care home, so who knows.

I am coming at this from the other angle. I have 2 ADC. I would have liked to help them with things. I had struggled for years on my own and I didn't want my ADCs to be in the same position.

When I started offering things, this was not pleasing one and the other was not happy either. It was a holiday including ADCs, partners, the DGC and me with me paying for everything including accommodation, travel and food. I gave up that idea. We did have a day out with all of us together and one of the partners was picking fights all round. Glad we didn't have a week of that.
Then they were offered homes which were already bought years before. That was not acceptable either as that was ME choosing where they live. It was not me who bought the properties but apparently I was to blame This further means that there will not be any properties for the DGC, income from previous properties to buy for more properties.
They were offered money for a certain purpose, one partner tried to get more money. ADC could not see what was wrong with him trying to get more money from me. The other was given money plus loan but stopped paying loan.
I know that different people or families have different levels of money but I did start thinking why should one family pay while the partners' families paid nothing.

I also noticed how I was not visited as much as the other sides of the families. I have sort of felt left out especially at Christmas. Only ever had family visit a few times prior to going to the other grandparents.
I have watched and noticed that a lot of alcohol is consumed, maybe other things too. Lots of Take Aways, Pizzas McDonalds etc. Bills are not paid and credit cards are at the max. It would be foolish to assist with such financial ways.
I decided not to make any more offers, I am sure that I will be getting called all sorts but I just accept that. Nothing seems to please the ADCs and I have more to do than keep flogging the horse.

We will help with education and housing deposits where possible. Wouldn't waste money on something like a wedding though.

Both sets of parents have been generous in different ways; MIL the most with actual money I think.

I'm a bit torn on this point tbh.

It's all very well to say "we didn't have any help so why should we help our children?" when you got a free university education or went straight into a good job at 16 or 18 (which would require a degree these days) and bought a house in the home counties for about 46p.

Your children aren't in the same position so even if they work ten times harder than you did they still won't be in a position to accumulate the same kind of wealth without help.

I think it's very unfair as some people get substantial financial help from their parents and others have parents who can't or won't help them, and so the gap between hard work/personal achievement and financial stability and comfort just grows and grows.

I have accepted a substantial amount of money from my parents and if I am in a position to help my own adult children financially then I will.

My dad gave me a loan to buy my first car, as a teen, but obviously I had to repay it. Otherwise not one cent.

I’ve been saving for our DC. Set up a college fund to help with costs and another towards a house deposit. It’s the way of the world these days. Even in the country I’m from house prices are out of control and I couldn’t afford to move back there myself. We are by no means wealthy, but if i can help a bit I will. Otherwise it’d only get wasted on crap we don’t need.

My parents never had much but by god what they had they would share.
I am blessed to have a bit more and me n husband share it too.
All kids are appreciative and aware, sure they’ll do the same for theirs.
We live in London (both our families are from the north)

my parents are wealthy (7 figure house, retired at 50 etc) and have given me nothing. £30 at christmas is their limit.

they have both been sick in the last 10 years and i have nursed them, driven them round, helped them move house and done every drs appointment etc. was given not even a box of chocolates or a thank you.

PIL however are not wealthy (they dont own, they rent, their house and both still work full time for example) and spend every spare penny on their grandkids (my DDs included). regularly send me flowers for no reason and turn up with our favourite chocolate bars etc.

dont expect anything off either of them but know which i respect more.

My parents lent me a huge sum for my first flat deposit, and then again 3 years later when i bought my first house with my husband. I paid it all back (interest free) within about 4 years through rental income from the flat and intensive saving! Anyway of course i am grateful - their actions have set us up for life before we hit our thirties. But they could afford to lend that money (they lost a bit of interest / investment potential the money might have had in their own hands) and so i think it was right that they did. Would i have sulked over not being 'gifted' 60k, or even 'just' 5k? No way. But i would have felt hugely put out if they could have afforded to lend a hand from their investment pot but sat with their arms folded and said 'we managed, you'll need to too'. That's just bitter and tbh if i was struggling with comfortable baby boomer parents who refused to lend a deposit i would struggle, possibly to the point of distancing myself from them.

We gave both DSs deposits. We also buy them second hand cars when we get a new one. Pass on the old one to one and buy one for the other.

We support them and their families in many ways. The government will be coming after our money to pay for our care, eventually, so we want to pass on as much as we can before that happens.

I've never had any financial help from my parents. But they did provide childcare while I was at uni which has enabled me to get a better job and save for myself. When I added up how much the childcare was worth it shocked me as it ends up being approx £30k over 4 years, which they could never have given me as cash, but they saved me that amount in paying for childcare (although a lot of it would have been covered by uni actually).

My parents haven't got a house they can reasonably downsize from, and any cash they've got wouldn't be enough to give 3dc a deposit on a house. So they may as well keep it and have the holidays we never had when we were small and they were struggling.

Mil needs our help. She doesn't own a house and is having to leave the house she's lived in for 25 years (rented, through her husband's job before he retired) due to bereavement. She doesn't have the money to buy anything, and private rentals won't let her bring her dog. So instead of her helping us out, we're helping her with housing. I hope by the time our dd's need help we'll have built our savings back up again.