To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

To put it bluntly, no, never do this! Not matter how you word it it will always sound like having her was a mistake and has held back your lifestyle. Do not do this to her please.

Well as she is six months old, I don't think you need worry yourself about this yet

Why on earth would you tell her that? Flipping awful thing to say. My Mum said similar to me about 20 years ago and I can still remember hoe much it hurt.

If you don't want her to follow in your footsteps, educate her about sex and contraception. FFS.

*how not hoe!

Don’t tell her. Absolutely no good can come of it. Focus on encouraging her in her education, making sure she knows that she has plenty of choices, building up her self esteem and talking to her about contraception when she gets to an appropriate age.

Just tell her you were so lucky to have her and you wouldn't change it.

You deal with it by loving her unconditionally and never mentioning how she was conceived. At very most she was your surprise. Please don’t saddle her with guilt about how she turned your lives upside down. What on Earth makes you think she would “follow in your footsteps?”

Really? Would you want to know you were a mistake who caused distress to your family?
Should the subject ever come up, which i doubt, she was a wonderful surprise. What more do you need to say

Do not tell her this. Ever. Ever!

A lovely surprise perhaps, but a mistake? How would that make you feel to be told that at any age? Because I'd be gutted, and I'm 35!

My parents always tell me that I was an accident but in no way a mistake. It's bad enough to know that I wasn't what they had planned, can't imagine how it would feel if they told me they regretted having me as well.

If you don't want her to follow in your footsteps, educate her about sex and contraception. FFS

Well that didn’t work for me. Ok I won’t tell her but what do I do if other kids tell her one day she was a surprise? Is it really a good idea to tell her I planned four kids?!

I wasn’t planning on saying I regretted her!!!!

She may ask, my DD did.
You can tell her she was a lovely surprise without going into detail about the difficulties for you.

A mistake? Fucking hell, you will make her feel like utter worthless shit.

Why do you think it’s somet that she ‘needs to know’? What good do you think will actually come from this? Why do this is something that she in particular needs to learn? All it will do is create resentment of her siblings and give her a massive mental complex.

Surely if she’s that much of a burden you should have had an abortion? There’s no need to be nasty to her just because she wasn’t planned.

Why on earth would you do this?

My parents told me I was a mistake and they only got married because I was on the way.

Mum was 18, dad was 20, married in August, I was born in December.

She told me she didn't have a termination as she had had one at 16 so didn't want another.

Felt a bit hurt to be honest with you no matter how "nicely" they said it

I would say alot of children are unplanned no? But why on earth would you tell them? What possoble benefit could it bring?

If you want to pass on the message with a nice white lie, then how about telling her that you thought about having a fifth, but wanted to put her and the others first because you love them so much?

Why the actual fuck would you want to tell your daughter she was a mistake?

Seriously, never, ever tell her that. Tell her that you found 4 children challenging, but tell her everyone is different. She might breeze through parenthood and want 6 kids. She might decide she doesn’t want any children. That’s up to her, not you.

Ffs unless you want a low/no contact daughter keep your feelings to yourself.

'You were the most wonderful surprise, and we wouldn't be without you.'

No I think that's terrible sorry!
If you really don't want her to follow in your footsteps maybe frame it as "we wanted 4 but it was harder work than we thought"?

My DM never worded it in such a manner but I am well aware I was a mistake in the same way your DD was (contraception failure and didn’t find out until she was 20 weeks due to periods continuing). I can’t say it has ever filled me with the joys of spring knowing full well had she found out sooner, I probably wouldn’t be alive.

I have four DC and out of the four, only DC3 wasn’t planned. I know that sounds odd but I already had two under two at the time and was on the pill, I didn’t expect a third to happen so soon and was pretty devastated. However I wouldn’t dream of informing her she was unplanned and that I considered terminating. I do, however, tell my DC to put off having children as long as possible as it’s hard bloody work .

I think I would just keep it simple and say that she was a surprise but a wonderful one or one that turned out to be wonderful or something unambiguously positive like that. I don’t think you should bring your negative thoughts about the affect on your lifestyle etc as that can’t be helped now and you just risk making her feel unwanted.

With regards to not wanting her to follow in your footsteps you have no idea what her future will be like, what she’ll want or what position she’ll be in fincially. Hopefully if you have a good relationship with her you’ll be in a position to advise and support her but I would do that without negative reference to her impact on your family.

I’ve not been in this position though so sometime who has or was a surprise themselves might offer a better insight

I was a "happy accident" and have never ever felt anything less than unconditional love. We joke about it and I don't feel any different to my 2 "planned" siblings.

Surprise is fine; mistake absolutely not. My DS was definitely a surprise but never, never a mistake.