To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

[Cheby]

I don’t see what you expect her to gain out of being aware? It’s not like you planned it and now regret it. Anyone can have a contraception failure.

Tell her she was a surprise, by all means. You don’t want that coming out and possibly being used by siblings if they ever argue. But just tell her she was a wonderful surprise and one you were very grateful to have had.

[purplelass]

Please don't tell her.

My dad told me when I was a teenager that I was proof that the rhythm method doesn't work. It still smarts now...

[sprinklesandsauce]

No. Never do this. I know several adults who were told that they were "mistakes". It has affected all of them and made them feel that they were not wanted, which has affected their self esteem and caused various other problems.

When DD is an adult herself, you may or may not be able to have a conversation with her about the fact that she wasn't planned, but if you can only put it across in a negative way that she caused family and money problems, then please don't. Ever.

Your best advice to her would be as previously stated, ensure that she has good contraception, and to have something permanent done if she reaches a certain number of children and doesn't want any more.

[fairypuff]

But I should caveat that with the fact my parents never said I had held them back professionally or personally.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Wow!! Are you fucking serious?! How would you have felt if your mother had said that to you?! Can’t believe you think that could be a good idea!! Jeez!!

[Timeisslippingaway]

Perhaps tell her she was a surprise but tbh, I don't think she will ever ask. Did you ask your mothering she planned to have you?

[Pickleypickles]

A surprise and a mistake that put pressure on your family and ruined your career are two very very different things. My DD was a surprise. The best surprise that ever happened to me and that's as much as DD needs to know.

[jaseyraex]

I wouldn't ever tell her that. My mum often "jokingly" commented about me being a mistake when I was younger and how if she hadn't been so far along when she found out she was pregnant then she would have had an abortion. We have a great relationship these days but what she said has always stuck with me and makes me resent my brother slightly because he was the wanted one. They always had a great relationship whereas I've only started to get close to my mum since having my own children.
If your daughter wants lots of children when she gets older then that's her decision. What you tell her about how she came to be will make no difference to it. All you can do is teach her about sex and contraception and hope for the best.

[Readyfortheschoolhols]

Likely your other dc would use this against her in times of dispute..
And for her mh just no.
My dc always ask which ones of them were mistakes as I have so many. Would never divulge.
Not even on here!

[ParkheadParadise]

Both my dd's were surprise babies
First born when I was 15.
Second when I was 38.
Would never have crossed my mind to tell they were a mistake. That's a awful thing to say.

[ScrubTheDecks]

I would not in a million years say this.

My Mum has had ongoing self esteem issues and in relation to her older sibings all her life. I actually think the same affected my youngest sister .

If you want to talk to them about big families that means that every child, equally, makes it a big impact.

Anyway you can talk generally and in non-value-laden ways : "you need to want a big family very badly, as we did, because you need to be realistic about the wider impact, house size, childcare, etc.

I would say you always wanted lots of kids, you didn't think 4 were happening because it didn't for a while and then when she did it was a big surprise.

I hope your older children and relatives won't be saying 'oh, you were an accident'?

[BrutusMcDogface]

Good god. Of course ywbu to tell her she was a mistake.

[RoseWhiteTips]

No. Why would you do this? That is so cruel.

[Busybusybust]

Same with me with my no. 4. She’s always known she was a ‘mistake’. I always say that she was the best mistake I made in my life! (Which is true)

[CherryPavlova]

Fantastic surprise, unplanned but welcomed yes maybe. Mistake definitely not.

[Gromance02]

If you tell her, she will have a future of feeling utterly worthless and not wanted. I can't think of anything worse that a mother could tell her child.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Wow there is absolutely no need for her to know this, what use will it be. It will just make her feel bad, if she finds out from your kids, she finds out.

[TooOldForThisWhoCares]

No you should not tell her. You absorb that disappointment at your career as her mother and never tell her she was mistake. Even under the guise of 'educating' her. This is not a lesson she can possibly have any benefit from! It is too close to the bone, calling her very existence into question as a regrettable thing. There is no way to soften or hide that message even if you think you can try. You can feel it, but you need to own it and absorb it yourself.

[MoonFaced]

Your title is should you tell your dd she was a "mistake". No you bloody shouldn't. If you really feel the need to tell her anything then tell her she was a wonderful surprise. But why the need to say anything at all? Honestly, it seems more and more people are on here with pointless AIBU threads, like they're scratching around to find something, anything to post about- this is one of those threads. Are you really so clueless to not think your dd would be upset at being described as a mistake? Yes YABU to tell your dd she was a mistake.

[CrispbuttyNo1]

God almighty why would you even think of telling her, or even your other children. What a way to fuck up her head .

I was adopted at 6 weeks old so I know I wasn’t wanted. Not by my birth mother anyway! It’s really not a nice feeling to go through life with, and believe me, it’s not a feeling that will go away as she gets older once she knows.

[alfagirl73]

Please for the love of god never say this to her! Do you have any idea what it is like to go through your life knowing not only that you were never supposed to be, but that the very people who brought you into the world are of the view that they'd rather they hadn't?! She will spend her whole life feeling like she has no business being on this planet - and I speak from personal experience. It is a horrible thing to carry through your life and impacts your life on a daily basis. She didn't ask to be born - don't make her feel guilty just for being here!

[MrsJayy]

Contraception can fail or people are careless. You chose to carry on with your pregnancy and have your baby, why would you tell her her she was a contraceptive failure just teach all your children sex ed and pregnancy choice don't lumber your poor kid with ^well you were not planned"

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

You can't do that!

I'm sorry but it would destroy any relationship you would have with her. You can, as she gets to an adult and thinks about expanding any family she might have, tell her it's a lot of hard work. But you can never tell a child, even as an adult, that she was a mistake.

If the older children tell her she was
Unplanned, then yes, unplanned but a very much loved member of the family.

My youngest are twins. Numbers 3&4. It hurt like hell when my own sister spat out once that I 'chose' to have 4 children (she was on number 3 at the time, has since had number 4). I asked which of them I should have aborted. They will never know about this conversation, which was born out of jealousy. Because it will be misinterpreted.

[AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson]

I was a mistake, my parents were young and they had split up before my mum found out she was pregnant. They were forced to get married (quite literally weeks before I was born) and spent a miserable few months together before calling it a day. They hate each other and I was always caught in the crossfire. My mum made no secret of the fact I wasn't wanted and I remember her telling my I was a mistake and that my Dad didn't want me. She also regularly told me she took him to court for custody because he didn't want to have me!

We're pretty low contact now.

[sparklefarts]

Wow. Please re think this