To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

[BeyondRadicalisationPortal]

Are you feeling okay? As she's so young, is there a possibility that it is all getting on top of you atm?

I don't think it's wrong to tell your child they were an accident or a surprise, but mistake is pushing it. Also you can tell her how hard it was with four children without specifying it was the fourth that went over the edge.

But mainly I'm posting to suggest that the larger families board or postnatal boards might be good for support, as you seem very down? :(

[adaline]

I’m afraid of the others letting it slip one day.

PLEASE don't tell me you've told her siblings that she's a mistake?!

[lilybetsy]

My eldest son asked me if he was an unwanted accident. Its perfectly obvious he was an unplanned pregnancy. I told him that yes, he was unplanned but never ever unwanted. As he knows I am very pro-choice (and could and would have had a termination had I not wanted him) I think that actually helped him ...

[Sugarskulllover]

I was told from an early age I was a mistake and that my DM was going to have a termination. I was upset to begin with, but whenever it has been brought up since I always say "imagine how boring your life would be without me in it." I have zero resentment for being told, I could have carried on with my life without knowing but I don't feel any differently by knowing either.

[SugarIsAmazing]

I've got six children and I had three by the time I was eighteen. I have told them I had children before I knew how they were made.
My first wasn't planned and he knows it (who plans a baby at 15 ) but I wanted children close together so I had three in 2.5 years. Then a four year gap with number four and then two more after her.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Oh my God why on earth would you tell her that? Both of my children were "unplanned" shall we say and indeed were conceived after I made the decision not to have children. I would never ever tell them that!

[mustbemad17]

My nearly 6 year old DD is here as a result of failed contraception (and the bloody MAP). I would never dream of telling her she was a mistake. How psychologically screwy would that be???

Just make sure when she is old enough she knows that contraception isn't 100% & she would be best making her sexual partner use a condom too. Far less life damaging!

[Luckystar1]

To be honest, I wouldn’t say anything at all. Not a ‘surprise’ not anything. I think everyone I’ve ever known who has been told that they were a ‘surprise’ has always interpreted it as ‘mistake’, it’s a nicer word sure though!

I’d just literally never mention it. I have 2 children. DC2 came much sooner than we’d anticipated but I would never say that.

Surely unless it’s mentioned it will never be questioned?

[lilicat]

I just find the idea of sitting the kids down and being all "Now DC1 you were planned...DC2, you were planned...DC3, you were planned, DC4 you were...(dramatic pause) A MISTAKE" ridiculous, I don't know what you'd gain from revealing this information, even if it was done in a really tactful and sensitive way.

I'm sure you have plenty of other stuff to think about, leave this one aside and enjoy your little babby.

[Crazy3]

Noooo! Some things are not meant to be said. That is one of them.

[BlueSapp]

Why on earth would you ever ever say this to your "loved" child, this could never be taken by anyone as a positive message, and my god what a bad example, "look kids life's not fair, I haven't got what I wanted and now I'm gonna complain about it" NO, woman up and show your children the best example of how life can throw you a curve ball but you can be strong and make a new plan and deal with it and win!

[TeasndToast]

I’m sorry my title was awful and I put it to get a good response from people who may have been surprises themselves. It probably should have read;
“My whole family including my much older DC was extremely surprised to discover I was pregnant. If I’m years to come my baby finds out she was a wonderful surprise, how do I explain that while gently guiding her down a different path?”

[shitholiday2018]

You sound like you might have pnd. Get some advice and help. The fact that you would consider telling an innocent child something so damaging shows you cannot be thinking straight. It would be cruel beyond measure to tell her anything other than she is as loved and wanted as the rest of your children.

This is about you, not her. It’s your contraception fail. Tell her about contraception by all means but don’t exorcise your demons at her expense. Get some counselling too.

[TeasndToast]

“In” years to come

[reallybadidea]

DS1 was born when I was still at university. It was very much unintentional. He asked me once whether he was a mistake and I told him that he was unplanned but very much wanted and loved.

Quite honestly if I had my time again then I'd do it differently but I would never, ever in a million years tell him that!

[diddl]

"However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way."

Maybe you should have stopped at 1 or 2 then?

Ridiculous to lay it all on the 4th.

Presumably you could have terminated if it was that disastrous?

[MaiaRindell]

Tell her she was a unexpected joy but not a mistake!

[shitholiday2018]

And being a surprise can only come up at parents’ instigation, either directly or indirectly. Don’t be that parent.

[BeyondRadicalisationPortal]

Well if the others are old enough to understand time scales and where babies come from, it would be a bit weird for them to fail to notice that mum suddenly found she was five months pregnant!

[ProperLavs]

My God, I can't believe this.
You must never say anything, ever. If at all possible she must believe that she was wanted from the get go. Your feelings about this don't come in to it. And you must impress upon your older children that she was the best ' surprise' you could have wished for.

[MaiaRindell]

My second DD was unplanned, but that hasn't occurred to me since I found out I was pregnant.

[Skarossinkplungerridesagain]

My sister was a mistake, we laugh about it with my parents all the time My parents tell her she was a happy mistake. She really wasn't at the time, I remember my mum coming home from the GP and sobbing.

[fearfultrill]

There's a difference between saying she was a surprise and saying she was a mistake. DO NOT say she was a mistake, is your other kids tell her she was a surprise then all you have to say is 'and a lovely surprise at that!'

[LeighaJ]

Well you and your partner made a mistake with contraception and you then made the additional mistake of letting your other kids know how surprised you were with it.

Those were mistakes of you and your partner, that doesn't make your daughter a mistake.

If it comes up for some reason you can just say she was a lovely surprise...because you were ttc and it happened right away or make something up that doesn't make your daughter feel unwanted.

Or if you insist on telling her because you're assuming she'll be too dumb to use contraception correctly without knowing of your failure then at least you have years to save up for all the private therapy she'll need.

[adaline]

Well if the others are old enough to understand time scales and where babies come from, it would be a bit weird for them to fail to notice that mum suddenly found she was five months pregnant!

Of course, but that doesn't necessarily mean they believe the baby was a mistake. A surprise is not the same thing.