To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

[Sammymommy]

What the f is wrong with some people?

Sure enough by the time your daughter has 3 kids, she should have figured out it is a lot of work and there are going to be sacrifices? You think that she will just pop 4 kids out just because you had 4 l, without thinking about it?

Honestly, you sound like you resent her and can't wait to tell her to make her pay. Poor little mite...

[Storminateapot]

I'd say don't say what can't be unsaid. As part of her war against my husband's father when he left her my MIL told my husband (last of 4) that she had conceived him purposely but that his Dad hadn't wanted any more children. He was an adult when she told him this but it still hurt him very much and damaged his relationship with his Dad.

If, when your child is older and it looks like they may be going for a large family then you can point out the drawbacks, but it's not something they need to know otherwise.

[BarbarianMum]

A friend of mine was an "unexpected" third. Her mum's catchphrase was "unexpected but not unwanted" and she's fine w that. I also know quite a few "oops" babies (now grown up) who are aware that they were the result on contraceptive lapses. Lots of us are tbh. For a child eho knows they're wanted Im not sure it's a big deal.

[SallySidebottom]

I'm not sure why you'd tell her, maybe tell her she wasn't planned if she ever asks.

I know how you feel though OP, our 'one last baby' turned out to be twins and I'm now completely in over my head

[TheHonGalahadThreepwood]

Why did you feel the need to tell your older kids anything other than "I'm pregnant: you are going to have another little brother or sister"? The circumstances of your DD's conception are private to you and DH.

She is six months old. Stop fretting about what choices she may or may not make as an adult. It will be your daughter's own business to decide how many children she has. She might decide to have zero, 2, 4, or 10. That will be up to her and her partner to work out. She will have a different relationship from yours, a different family, different professional and financial circumstances, and different wants and desires. Your job as a parent is to give your children the best start in life that you can, not to make their adult decisions for them.

[ElementalHalfLife]

You don't have to say anything and you shouldn't. Because no matter how much you dance around with 'you were a 'happy surprise but I suggest you stop at 3 because a 4th will impact you financially and careerwise' the unspoken 'like it did me' will be the only thing she hears.

You say you don't regret having her but there is definitely an underlying resentment -- of the circumstance not your child per se obviously - to your post. Just keep your mouth shut and if any of her siblings are crass enough to imply she was ever less than as wanted as they were you need to step in and shut that down immediately.

[Peanutbuttercups21]

Blimey, please never say this!

Start rewriting history with your kids, stop dropping into conversations with anyone ever that No 4 was a mistake.

If you really did not want her, you would not have had her (abortion...)so...you chose her.

Stop going on about her being a surprise, and accident, a mistake. Change these conversations!

[donutsarelife]

I have always been aware that I was unplanned and definitely was not a help financially! BUT I was told I was a happy accident and not a mistake. It's all about how you frame it!

[exWifebeginsat40]

i was conceived as a way for my mother to keep hold of my father. it didn’t work.

i have known, since i have known anything, that i am pointless and useless. my mother made me pay for letting her down every day. i know this isn’t the same, but please never let your child have even a hint of an idea that they should be an example to themselves and not do the same as you.

there is no way you can frame this that will not do damage to your child. stick with ‘surprise’ if you even need to qualify it. and, give yourself a break. it’s ok to not be ok. talk to someone if you feel overwhelmed by this.

i don’t think children need know anything at all about plans their parents may have had. that’s adult stuff. your other children should understand this too.

[Cheto]

Don't ever tell her... my DH was told he was an accident and although he makes jokes about it I can tell he would have preferred not to know

[Butteredparsn1ps]

To give you some context DM was told she was an unwanted and unplanned child and has struggled with it her whole life.

She is quite a difficult character, and her sense of being unwanted is inherent in many aspects of her personality and behaviour. She still feels unloved and unloveable.

She's 92.

[HappinessIsAStateofMind]

What a ridiculous thread. Why would you need to give her any advice different to what you’re giving the others? Think about it.

[DontCallMeCharlotte]

I am No. 5 of five children and was a mistake. No. 2 was also a mistake. It was never a secret and my mum made a big thing about how we were the ones who never gave her any trouble! (only because we were cleverer and didn't get caught )

In fact, during a conversation about abortion, my mum even said if it was [legally] around then, I wouldn't be now and that she was devastated when she found out she was pregnant with me. But she so obviously adored me - all of us - it was never an issue.

BUT: I really don't recommend that avenue as your DD may not be as thick skinned resilient as I was. If it needs to be brought up at all, I would couch it as she was a lovely surprise. Besides, you never know, four children may be absolutely right for her.

[welshmist]

No please say nothing. We had a 20 year old and an 18 year old off to uni. when I found I was pregnant. OH did not want another baby he was 50 and wanted to enjoy life. We went to the docs together who assumed we wanted a termination. Well OH did as well. She was a friend who when retired told me she never forgot what I said and did not know how she kept a straight face. When she said the word termination I blurted out.

"If its a choice between this grumpy old man and a beautiful baby I choose the baby"

I shall never tell my DS his father wanted a termination, to be fair OH loves him dearly but does worry that he is an old Dad and wants his education, career, sorted out before he snuffs it.

[ACatsNoHelpWithThat]

My youngest DSC was also unplanned. His siblings knew so even though the parents had no intention of saying anything DSC found out from his siblings fairly early on. Personally I think it's affected his self-esteem. I know it's too late for you not to tell anyone else it was a "mistake" so maybe you could pre-empt issues by explaining to your DD's siblings that although she wasn't planned you're delighted at such a lovely surprise (or something, maybe even that she was planned but not just yet?) so that it can't be thrown at DD during a childish argument.

[nearlyfiftyjeez]

My father told us he didn’t want children, never had and nothing about our arrival changed his mind.

It has ruined our relationship irreparably - don’t say one word ever

[PirateWeasel]

Chances are if your older children know she was a mistake, they will tell her in the heat of a sibling argument at some point. As a 'mistake' myself I know I'd rather hear it from mum and dad, where it can be phrased gently i.e. 'unexpected grand finale' rather than the 'condom broke and we were lumbered' kind of thing. As long as you show her as much unconditional love as you have the others, it needn't be a big deal. My arrival caused absolute catastrophe in the family, but I've never once been made to feel like a burden.

[wellBeehivedWoman]

Christ no. What possible benefit could there be in telling a child that not only was she not planned, but that she's had a detrimental impact on your family and career? Believe me, you can't take the emotional gut punch out of those words by telling her you love her regardless.

If your other kids ever tell her she wasn't planned I would be sharply pulling them up on it and telling your 4th daughter that not all babies are planned but that she was never anything other than a happy, joyful addition.

Think about it - it's not her fault a 4th baby was a detrimental impact on your family any more than any of your other kids. Just because she came last doesn't mean she's the issue. All 4 kids are equal drains on your resources and career plans. So why make an example of her particularly?

You have no idea what her plans or any of your kids' plans will be one day. If any of them start considering a 4th baby you can say that it's hard work and expensive but until then don't risk crushing your daughter for the sake of a mere possibility.

[ShouldofWouldofCouldof]

I wouldnt tell her she was a mistake. But maybe say you hadnt planned for her and she was a suprise baby esp as you didn't know till late in pregnancy. My daughters both know they were planned but both came a year earlier than planned x

[piscis]

My brother's (twins) are 18 years older, the other one 13, I know I was a mistake, surprise...whatever you want to call it. It is pretty obvious in my case!

[heroineinahalfshell]

Please don't do this. I was a surprise (there's only 15 mos b/w me and my borther), and my mum, as well as giving me a blow-by-blow of my conception (eww) regularly used to tell me that "I wanted you, just not quite so quickly." She said it as a joke, but the frequency with which she brought up that I was unplanned/made life difficult with a baby, a toddler and relocating for my dad's work all at same time hurt. It still hurts. There is no "nice" way to tell a child they were unplanned.

[TheVanguardSix]

Have this talk with ALL of your children if you must. But you seem to focus this talk on this one child, the cliffhanger baby. Shouldn't all of your kids know that having children is tough?
Talk or no talk, you're whistling in the wind. They'll have as many kids as they have and short of being a referee in the bedroom, OP, you can't control your children's destiny.

I think you're going through an acutely tough time and I can totally relate. But try to find some sort of balance and peace of mind that is yours. I think such a talk would be a burden and a bit unkind, especially since you seem to focus on having this discussion with the very baby who's made you realise large families are hard. It's not the baby's fault.

[ahouseofleaves]

Not read the threat, but why would you ever want to tell your child she was a mistake - in any words? That's baffling.

[ahouseofleaves]

*thread, of course. Typo.

[mrssunshinexxx]

I was a mistake they openly tell me it certainly doesn't affect me in any way there is a big age gap between me and my siblings and I have the best relationship with my parents I think a big factor is due to them having me so much later they always say best mistake they ever made 💕