To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

easy. you spend from this moment forward telling her and your family how lucky you are and blessed you are to have 4 wonderful children . the seed will sew and over the years i am sure it will stick

It sounds as if you are feeling overwhelmed, and I suggest you take the time to talk to your doctor about the anxiety, catastrophising, overthinking and guilt you are feeling.

I'm the 4th of 4 kids and have always suspected I might have been a bit of an accident! I don't need to know explicitly and would have found it odd to have been told, I think, unless it had been highly relevant to a particular situation. Your DD should be able to work out later on whether it's feasible for her to have four children or not. She may also be able to infer that her conception wasn't meticulously planned, but if she feels loved and secure (as I'm sure she does), the thought won't bother her much.

@Sidelook

I've always thought there's a special place in hell for people like the person who gave birth to you.

I hope things get better for you.

NRTT: Do NOT, EVER, tell you dc she was a "mistake", happy surprise or something along those lines is fine, but never ever put the blame on her existence on her.

I haven't rtft but thought I'd throw my two cents worth in. My (significantly) younger sister is aware she was a 'surprise' although I can't for the life of me remember how or when she learnt this. It was never particularly a secret, and she's no worse off for knowing, but she is very much loved by us all and, despite being a 'surprise', was very much wanted once my parents found out.

In your OP though it reads as though you want to tell her that she was unplanned and how negatively her existence has affected your life, in the hope she is more careful with contraception than you were or something? Honestly I don't know how anyone could deal with being told that, at any age. Imagine your parents telling you that essentially they wish you'd never been born because you ruined their lives. Please don't do that to your child :(

My mum never said the work mistake but she has been honest that I wasn't planned and she considered an abortion because my dad was such a twat, however the best thing she ever did was have me, and how it's made her life so full.

It's never upset me hearing this. However I was her first child and she was young. I think being told your 3 older siblings were planned and you weren't might hurt a bit more.

Recently, a friend made a comment about how ungrateful children are in response to a jokey post I put about DS.
She had a 3rd by accident and I suspect her children are acutely aware of how much of a burden they are on her and her husband. Not surprisingly, they have problems.

Whatever happens, OP, don't make your child feel like you resent her in any way.

I think you may be depressed and struggling in general. You need to seek help.

Absolutely no way I would tell a child this. I cannot see any reason to do it actually, except for to be purposely hurtful.

“I should have been a boy”
“Mummy wanted a girl really”
“I was an accident”
“My dad was a put derogatory term here”

All heard in school and nursery.
Sad.

I think you can tell them when they're older, like 18. I don't think any of us were planned but I don't feel in the slightest bit unloved or unwanted as a result because I was loved. Don't go into detail, just say you didn't know until half way through and it was a surprise and when she got here she was just as lovely as all the others.

God Id never tell a child I considered aborting them flipping heck thats awful.

I have 3 DC, first 2 weren't planned however my third was. I think my oldest gets that I didn't plan to have a child at 16, I've talked to her about what that was like because i think it'll help her. I wouldn't tell DS though because what good would that do

Haven't RTFT, but DD was a surprise - she arrived when DS was only 15 months old.

She has always known that she arrived sooner than we expected - we've always said though that she waits for nothing or no-one!

In her 20s now, she will often tease us by telling people 'of course, I was a mistake'.

It has not damaged her in any way - and we wouldn't be without her for the world, which she well knows.

I've thought about this thread since it came up and my relationship with my Dm

For the below reason I urge you to get some support around this

I posted before about my children but the reality is I am an accident....my dm wanted two children close together so after Dsis they tried but I didn't appear then 6 years later I appeared by accident

Now , this was never spoken outright but alluded to ,far more importantly my Dm attitude to me even now makes it clear

She has always considered me a burden and reference is often made to have been able to settle earlier had I not existed ,in front of me only she has even mentioned that as of course my children are younger at a point in my parents lives that they are older and slowing down it's a burden to have toddler in the family (for this reason she has limited access to them)

My Dm never sat me down and told me I was unwanted at the time I was born But by God make no mistake I knew and was made to feel guilty

I spent most of my upbringing desperately trying to be as unobtrusive as possible to listen the burden

I suppose it did make me consider not making her choices...only because I never wanted to make a child feel the way she made me feel

I am a massive mother bear on this subject with my DC because no matter what in life they are the best thing I ever did and any sacrifice I have ever made is a drop in the ocean compared to the joy they bring (I am the furthest thing from fluffy but this is a key point)
Please consider your behaviour to her because God knows it's taken some extreme hard work and steel spine to get to a point where I felt worthy of existence

Don't do it to her....whatever happened ....you chose to have her....with that comes responsibility for supporting her healthy mental health development as a child

You don't get to put your feelings of her being a burden on your life first

Wow what a thing to ponder!! My dd was also totally unplanned, but I can't think why I would ever tell her that?

Ok I have three unplanned children, where do I check in ? Lol. Even when a child is "planned" you can't force him to come, can you ? You've got 4 gifts. Surprise would be the right word. If you really really really wanted to go there you can brand yourself as super mum, as usually people have two, you have doubled.
What makes you think like that right now ? What do you feel ? If you talk to her now and she listen what do you tell her ?
My last child was a surprise and my due date was 25 of December. You can't make that up. When you'll stop buying diapers, and milk, you'll feel differently. Embrace your love. I realise writing that that it's a long time that I did not say that. I would not say that anymore. It's to encourage you, life is a journey, by asking, maybe you are crossing a bridge ?