To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

[hibeat]

Ok I have three unplanned children, where do I check in ? Lol. Even when a child is "planned" you can't force him to come, can you ? You've got 4 gifts. Surprise would be the right word. If you really really really wanted to go there you can brand yourself as super mum, as usually people have two, you have doubled.
What makes you think like that right now ? What do you feel ? If you talk to her now and she listen what do you tell her ?
My last child was a surprise and my due date was 25 of December. You can't make that up. When you'll stop buying diapers, and milk, you'll feel differently. Embrace your love. I realise writing that that it's a long time that I did not say that. I would not say that anymore. It's to encourage you, life is a journey, by asking, maybe you are crossing a bridge ?

[bobstersmum]

Wow what a thing to ponder!! My dd was also totally unplanned, but I can't think why I would ever tell her that?

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

I've thought about this thread since it came up and my relationship with my Dm

For the below reason I urge you to get some support around this

I posted before about my children but the reality is I am an accident....my dm wanted two children close together so after Dsis they tried but I didn't appear then 6 years later I appeared by accident

Now , this was never spoken outright but alluded to ,far more importantly my Dm attitude to me even now makes it clear

She has always considered me a burden and reference is often made to have been able to settle earlier had I not existed ,in front of me only she has even mentioned that as of course my children are younger at a point in my parents lives that they are older and slowing down it's a burden to have toddler in the family (for this reason she has limited access to them)

My Dm never sat me down and told me I was unwanted at the time I was born But by God make no mistake I knew and was made to feel guilty

I spent most of my upbringing desperately trying to be as unobtrusive as possible to listen the burden

I suppose it did make me consider not making her choices...only because I never wanted to make a child feel the way she made me feel

I am a massive mother bear on this subject with my DC because no matter what in life they are the best thing I ever did and any sacrifice I have ever made is a drop in the ocean compared to the joy they bring (I am the furthest thing from fluffy but this is a key point)
Please consider your behaviour to her because God knows it's taken some extreme hard work and steel spine to get to a point where I felt worthy of existence

Don't do it to her....whatever happened ....you chose to have her....with that comes responsibility for supporting her healthy mental health development as a child

You don't get to put your feelings of her being a burden on your life first

[ajandjjmum]

Haven't RTFT, but DD was a surprise - she arrived when DS was only 15 months old.

She has always known that she arrived sooner than we expected - we've always said though that she waits for nothing or no-one!

In her 20s now, she will often tease us by telling people 'of course, I was a mistake'.

It has not damaged her in any way - and we wouldn't be without her for the world, which she well knows.

[Gingerninj]

I have 3 DC, first 2 weren't planned however my third was. I think my oldest gets that I didn't plan to have a child at 16, I've talked to her about what that was like because i think it'll help her. I wouldn't tell DS though because what good would that do

[User183737]

God Id never tell a child I considered aborting them flipping heck thats awful.

[betherenowinaminute]

I think you can tell them when they're older, like 18. I don't think any of us were planned but I don't feel in the slightest bit unloved or unwanted as a result because I was loved. Don't go into detail, just say you didn't know until half way through and it was a surprise and when she got here she was just as lovely as all the others.

[starlight2017]

“I should have been a boy”
“Mummy wanted a girl really”
“I was an accident”
“My dad was a put derogatory term here”

All heard in school and nursery.
Sad.

[Vickyyyy]

Absolutely no way I would tell a child this. I cannot see any reason to do it actually, except for to be purposely hurtful.

[LuxuryTime]

I think you may be depressed and struggling in general. You need to seek help.

[Lweji]

Recently, a friend made a comment about how ungrateful children are in response to a jokey post I put about DS.
She had a 3rd by accident and I suspect her children are acutely aware of how much of a burden they are on her and her husband. Not surprisingly, they have problems.

Whatever happens, OP, don't make your child feel like you resent her in any way.

[3stonedown]

My mum never said the work mistake but she has been honest that I wasn't planned and she considered an abortion because my dad was such a twat, however the best thing she ever did was have me, and how it's made her life so full.

It's never upset me hearing this. However I was her first child and she was young. I think being told your 3 older siblings were planned and you weren't might hurt a bit more.

[Spam88]

I haven't rtft but thought I'd throw my two cents worth in. My (significantly) younger sister is aware she was a 'surprise' although I can't for the life of me remember how or when she learnt this. It was never particularly a secret, and she's no worse off for knowing, but she is very much loved by us all and, despite being a 'surprise', was very much wanted once my parents found out.

In your OP though it reads as though you want to tell her that she was unplanned and how negatively her existence has affected your life, in the hope she is more careful with contraception than you were or something? Honestly I don't know how anyone could deal with being told that, at any age. Imagine your parents telling you that essentially they wish you'd never been born because you ruined their lives. Please don't do that to your child :(

[Shiftymake]

NRTT: Do NOT, EVER, tell you dc she was a "mistake", happy surprise or something along those lines is fine, but never ever put the blame on her existence on her.

[LeighaJ]

@Sidelook

I've always thought there's a special place in hell for people like the person who gave birth to you.

I hope things get better for you.

[redcarbluecar]

I'm the 4th of 4 kids and have always suspected I might have been a bit of an accident! I don't need to know explicitly and would have found it odd to have been told, I think, unless it had been highly relevant to a particular situation. Your DD should be able to work out later on whether it's feasible for her to have four children or not. She may also be able to infer that her conception wasn't meticulously planned, but if she feels loved and secure (as I'm sure she does), the thought won't bother her much.

[mathanxiety]

It sounds as if you are feeling overwhelmed, and I suggest you take the time to talk to your doctor about the anxiety, catastrophising, overthinking and guilt you are feeling.

[WalkingTed]

easy. you spend from this moment forward telling her and your family how lucky you are and blessed you are to have 4 wonderful children . the seed will sew and over the years i am sure it will stick

[kateandme]

a surprise is different.it doesn't mean in any way a mistake!ffs how could someone say this to their child.
she will in her good days and deff dark days interpret this as her being wrong/bad/a mistake/unwanted/it could lead her to a dar path or it could be the icing on the cake of a spiral.dont ever tell anyone they are a mistake.
an amazing and cherished surprised.all the more blessed because of it not lesser than

[IAmNotAWitch]

She is a "Bonus Baby".

I think you are worrying too much and borrowing trouble.

The years will pass, pretty much everyone else will forget the how and why etc and she will just be part of the family.

She will make her own decisions on her family size, it isn't something you need to worry about.

I wouldn't be telling the older kids not to say anything either, that implies a secret to be had.

There is no secret, just an unexpected pregnancy that resulted in a much loved child - happens all the time.

[Linning]

Your idea of a good path/good life may not be her idea of a good path and/or good life, telling her she wasn't wanted won't put her off having 4 kids it will just put her off you and unecessarily hurt her, let her chose which path she wants to take, it's likely she won't want 4 kids.

My mother had me at 17 and while I wasn't a mistake (ironically and I actually do wish I was) it's clear to me that if she could have her life back she would avoid having two kids by the age of 18 and would just skip me and my brother. THAT BEING SAID, she knew better than to "guide me" towards a different path. I knew she didn't want me to have a kid at 17 but saying it to me would have just emphasized how much of a burden I had probably been to her and she was clever enough not to say anything probably hoping I would have enough common sense and I did.

My mum and I are two very different individuals and don't inspire to the same things in life. I definitely wouldn't want to walk on her foot steps and I never needed a "reminder" to avoid doing it.

I would have been extremely pissed if she had given me a lecture on how crap it was to be a teenage mum and having to raise us (though she did mention it a few times!). A general talk about contraception and else why not, but using your experience with your daughter as an example to stray her from doing the same "mistake" would be a kick in the teeth to her.

Your other kids are probably very unfazed about your last kid not being planned, mentioning it will probably just make it a bigger deal and something they are likely to "throw in her face" during a petty argument.

Enjoy you daughter and worry when the time comes to actually worry.

[melonscoffer]

So you think you should tell your daughter not to make the same mistakes you did.
So then if she happily has 4,5,6,7 children and still wants more she will know that you disapprove.
Lovely.

[melonscoffer]

I’ll also tell my other children to never mention it and hope they resoect that

Secrets?
Mention what?
What have you told them?
The whole of your family knows what happened as it seems they were at the hospital.
What on earth are you making more problems for .

[Ladiva1971]

My Mother always told me if it wasn't for my Dad I would have been an abortion I am 47 and those words hurt. I haven't had any contact or spoken to her for 7 years.

[MeltingSnowflake]

Agree re: the wording - accident yes, mistake NO! I've always known I was an accident and it doesn't bother me one bit.