To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

[Hideandgo]

My 4th is an accident but I’d never tell him so he wouldn’t make the same ‘mistake’ as me. He’s not a mistake, he’s an accident and a surprise but never a mistake. I’d be fine with him knowing he was an accident, I suspect knowing our family it will be a running joke, but in the context of ‘shit we love you more than words, it’s shocking and horrifying that you might not be here and we thank God You are’.

OP, your way of thinking is downright cruel. I’d keep those thoughts to yourself. It’s not his fault he’s put your family under pressure, it’s yours.

[TheViceOfReason]

You need to ask if telling your child that they were a surprise who negatively impacted your family and career is a good idea or not?

Seriously?

How would that "now darling, much as i love you, i don't want you to make my mistake and have too many kids by accident as although you will love them, life would have been better without"?

There is no way you can even hint at this without making your child feel awful, so please don't do it.

[ReasonableLlama]

It really depends on how and when you plan on telling her.

If you told her from a young age and she grew up knowing she was a mistake I would worry about self esteem issues.

However; if you were planning on waiting until she's old enough (18??) to realise accidents do happen then hopefully she will be mature enough to deal with it.

Obviously this depends on how you treat her growing up and how she deals with such matters. If she grew up feeling loved and wanted then she may not bat an eyelid knowing she was the result of an accident.

Some of my friends know they were accidents and laugh about it because they have good relationship with their parents and have grown up feeling loved.

Is it likely your children would tell her she was a mistake? If they are old enough to know of the mistake now, they should be old enough to not tell her in a negative sense.

But otherwise I don't know why you would feel the need to tell her. I know myself and siblings were planned but it only came up in conversation when I was thinking of having my own children.

[sparklefarts]

I feel I need to say wow again.

Wow.

[Whattheactualfuckmate]

I was a mistake and they only got married so social services wouldn’t take me as my mother was 16 and in care. They spilt soon after.

Just say she was a nice surprise

[TeasndToast]

Thank you for the advive. Of course I’d never ever use the word ‘mistake’ I’m just feeling very overwhelmed and anxious at the moment. I’m afraid of the others letting it slip one day. If it ever comes up I will tell her she was a wonderful surprise. Which is true, i adore her. I just don’t want to be a bad example to her. I want her to do better than me. And I am afraid of how to advise her.

Thank you to those who understood and shared their experiences.

[TittyFahLaEtcetera]

DS knows he was unplanned, but he also knows how incredibly loved he is and how grateful I am to have him as I was told I may not have been able to have children. I think that's a different scenario though.

I'm also aware my DM terminated an unexpected pregnancy when I was a teenager. She told me 10 years later and trusted me as she knows I'm extremely pro choice. DSis (5 years younger) does not know as DM thinks she would be less understanding. It's sad to think I could have had another sibling, but I also know DM wanted to devote her time to the children she had already and I respect that.

I would never tell them they were a mistake or caused hardship, but you could say she surprised you and how glad you are for her as a person. Nothing about the hardship or strain her birth brought about. I tell DS he is my miracle and have never told him how his Dad and I would spend our last £20 on food and nappies for him and a bag of rice for us when he was a toddler.

[crunchymint]

Not as a kid or young adult. But my mum knows she was a mistake although her mum always denied it. Most adults work this out from the timing of pregnancies nd she will hear it from her siblings.

[MrsJayy]

4 children is a lot of children but you know you could just make the most of it till you can go back to work you are clearly resentful of the impact baby has but that isn't her fault is it ?

[Mia1415]

An amazing surprise, yes! A mistake, NO

No son was an accident. I discovered I was pregnant at nearly 6 months.

I'm a single Mum, he has no contact with his father and he completely changed the course of my life.

He's a miracle. Not a mistake.

[ElevenSmiles]

Why are you even giving this headspace ?

[Johnnyfinland]

I’m going to give an opposing POV - I’ve always known I was unplanned and that my mum didn’t really want kids, but we’ve always had a fantastically close relationship and I’ve never felt unwanted. I can tell her anything and everything. She’s a human as well as a mother, she’s perfectly capable of loving and wanting ME while also feeling like perhaps being a mother in the general sense maybe wasn’t what she wanted. She also told me never to have kids as id hate it, and I wholeheartedly agree with her! (She only said that after I’d made it clear I don’t want kids, which I’ve known pretty much forever, and no, I don’t think this is anything to do with knowing I wasn’t planned because honestly I never give that a second thought, it doesn’t affect me emotionally in any way)

[LoniceraJaponica]

I have a friend who has an unplanned fourth child. She describes her as a happy accident.

[Marmablade]

I'm a mistake. I know it. I don't need to know but it does explain the ludicrously small age gap between me and my third sibling

[Magicpaintbrush]

I know for a fact I was a mistake - my parents conceived me when they were 18 (mum) and 19 (dad) and they had a very hasty wedding. However, they have never actually said I was an accident and never would, though I have joked about it because actually I can see the funny side, they have never once made me feel unwanted because although I know I wasn't planned I know how much they love me. Don't tell your child they were a mistake, why would you? What would you achieve? They might grow up to be your best friend or even carer one day, who knows. And thinking about it while they are a baby.... why....?

[Butterflykissess]

How awful. My mums always made it very clear to me that I was a mistake and it hurt alot growing up. I would never tell a child that.

[LoniceraJaponica]

I'm a mistake/accident, but my mum never told me I was. I discovered it when I was clearing up after my dad died. I found my parents' wedding certificate. It was dated 4 months before I was born. I always felt loved by my parents.

[Alb1]

Having 4 children isn't a 'bad example', plenty of people choose to and live great lives as I'm sure you will. I was a surprise to my mum, she always said I was meant to be and I completed our family, much better than a mistake! Fill her with love and confidence, and hope that she manages to make the best choices for her own life, not tell her she was an accident in the hope she won't be like you. I hope things get easier for you OP

[ifeelsoextraordinary]

I was the unplanned number 4. I have always known I was unplanned and a surprise and my parents always shown me nothing but love and support and said how happy they are I’m here. I’ve always felt loved and wanted. I’d have been devastated if they told me not to make the same mistake! (And of course I didn’t have 4 kids myself but not because they warned me not to...because I only wanted 2. Let her make her own decisions)

[Katedotness1963]

If you have to say anything a wonderful surprise maybe. Never a mistake, a mistake is something you regret.

[Asheth]

My youngest knows he was a surprise and is quite proud of it! Having had two boys, many people assumed my third pregnancy was an attempt to have a girl and I would much rather he knew he was a lovely surprise than a failed girl.

However conversations on contraception with my older children usually now result in some cheeky comments...

[MrsJayy]

I was also a mistake my parents were young adults probably forced down the aisle the marraige was short. My mum brought me up alone for years. I was an accident has never been mentioned .

[TheOrigRightsofwomen]

I grew up believing my parents always wanted 5 children, with the first 3 being very close in age. This is what we were always told.

Then when my youngest sibling had an unplanned second child very close to her 1st, my Mum back pedalled and said 'who is their right mind would have 3 children so close together'. She was trying to make an ally of my sister or something. It served only to make child 2 and 3 feel that we weren't wanted. I was in my 40s when this happened - it hurts.