To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

[delilahbucket]

No! My mum told me when I was about ten during an argument and I have never forgotten that I was unplanned and not wanted.

[Sallystyle]

BTW I didn't sit her down and tell her, like a big revelation. We were talking about pregnancy and birth at the time IIRC. It was relevant to what we were discussing anyway.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Haven’t rtft I was “the best mistake my patents ever made”. . DM was 40 and cried when she found out she was pregnant, and df 42. They got over the shock and embraced it (me). It’s never been an issue in any way shape or form. I know I’m loved. That’s the important bit.

[Ihuntmonsters]

My dd knows she wasn't planned, and we have told her she was conceived by mistake when dh and I were careless with contraception. I don't see it as a big deal, and yes both her and her brother did ask about how they came to be. They were both 'why' children from when they were quite small and we've always been honest with them. We conceived dd when ds was 8 months old and her early months were hard. We've been honest about that too. Maybe she'll have loads of counseling when she is older, but then so did I and I wasn't an accident. Knowing you are unconditionally loved is what really matters I think, and this baby will almost certainly find out how she came into the world because of the drama involved so no point in trying to hide that. Her older siblings will be aware of stresses on the family as they are probably not very hideable, nor is it a great idea to tell a struggling mum that the most important thing is to pretend she isn't struggling.

OP you will get through this and it will be fine. My dd only had three months with me at home. She had great childcare and was absolutely fine, probably better than she would have been with me at home as our nanny loved taking care of her and her brother. Your baby dd will experience some disadvantages of being a surprise later baby, but she also gets the advantage of much older siblings. My eldest sister was an extra mum to me and we are still very close now 40+ years later. I know a few families with menopause babies (was quite common when I was a teenager) and those babies were very very loved.

[Tessliketrees]

My oldest knows he wasn't planned, I was a teenager when I had him so it's hardly a surprise to him.

I have explained to him seriously how he was the best thing that has ever happened to me and DH. I have also joked with him about how he was a mistake.

I would never seriously tell him that he negatively effected my life because A) he didn't and B) even if he did it's an appalling thing to say to a child even an adult one.

The idea that an adult or even a teen will not realise the financial implication of children unless they themselves are used as a cautionary tale is batshit.

[Forfolkssake]

A wonderful surprise! Never a mistake.

[PintOfMineralWater]

DH AND his sister are "mistakes", it's well known in the family and a running joke. They are fine with it, and are both well adjusted with good relationships.

I think it very much depends on how you tell them (ie not using the word "mistake") and their ages etc.

[em9283]

Happy surprise = yes.
You were a mistake = just bloody no.

[6triesbuttingout]

U2 has it here. Are you me?

[gowie3112]

My mother was young, thought she was in love with a man who left her for her best friend when she was pregnant with me. I obviously wasn't planned and I worked this out for myself, my mum told me that I was her happy surprise, that the world knew that she was meant to be my mother. I've grown up feeling very loved, very wanted and very aware that not every baby needs to be planned to be wanted! But tbh, I don't see how telling her anything in your situation will be good for your daughter.. that she is is the only one out of 4 that was a 'mistake'. For the sake of her self esteem, I'd leave it be.

[Sidelook]

“ I wish I had you aborted, you little cunt” this was what I would be told every day by the person that gave birth to me. Even into my teens she would take great delight telling me this. It made me feel hurt, confused, sad, frightened and worthless. I now suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety and low self esteem. It haunts me to this day.
Please do not ever tell your child that she was a mistake. The long term damage that it has into adulthood is irreversible. Maybe say to her that she was an unexpected gift or just don’t say anything at all seen as she knows that she is loved.

[ThisIsHistory]

Sidelook

Have you heard of Pete Walker? He specialises in treating Complex PTSD arising from childhood neglect abuse(especially being spoken to in that way). His website and books are good. There are some good coaches on YouTube who do videos based on his approach.

[Sweetpea55]

Why would you say something so cruel.. Can't you just say she was a wonderful surprise?

[1forAll74]

You should not ever really discuss this in your family,, you have four children,and no matter what,,you are very lucky,, just think of the future, when they are all growing up and older, how lovely that will be, all the family around you.

[Fleurelle]

Nrtft but don't ever have this discussion. Just say you were broody again and she was very much wanted. She can make her own mind up about having kids. Not feeling wanted isn't going to help anything. To the siblings it's always a suprise.

I'm sure I was a mistake but my mum says I was planned and really wanted and I love her for this.

[NinjaLeprechaun]

Not read any of the thread, but speaking from experience - Unintended doesn't mean unwanted. I've always known that I was the result of an unintended pregnancy, but I've never felt unwanted.
If there's a chance the child might find out anyway, the fact that it's hidden or treated like a dirty secret might make the child feel like there's something wrong with them because of it. (Not unlike, I suspect, hiding the fact that a child is adopted.) For me (and for my now-adult child, also unintended) it's always been an accepted fact of life, like when or where I was born. Completely nothing to with anything I ever did, and in the long run not hugely important.

[AudiQ2]

I was 'informed' that I was a mistake when I was 6. I've been devastated ever since. I was absolutely heartbroken and depressed for years. Ever since really. Please please don't

[MeltingSnowflake]

Agree re: the wording - accident yes, mistake NO! I've always known I was an accident and it doesn't bother me one bit.

[Ladiva1971]

My Mother always told me if it wasn't for my Dad I would have been an abortion I am 47 and those words hurt. I haven't had any contact or spoken to her for 7 years.

[melonscoffer]

I’ll also tell my other children to never mention it and hope they resoect that

Secrets?
Mention what?
What have you told them?
The whole of your family knows what happened as it seems they were at the hospital.
What on earth are you making more problems for .

[melonscoffer]

So you think you should tell your daughter not to make the same mistakes you did.
So then if she happily has 4,5,6,7 children and still wants more she will know that you disapprove.
Lovely.

[Linning]

Your idea of a good path/good life may not be her idea of a good path and/or good life, telling her she wasn't wanted won't put her off having 4 kids it will just put her off you and unecessarily hurt her, let her chose which path she wants to take, it's likely she won't want 4 kids.

My mother had me at 17 and while I wasn't a mistake (ironically and I actually do wish I was) it's clear to me that if she could have her life back she would avoid having two kids by the age of 18 and would just skip me and my brother. THAT BEING SAID, she knew better than to "guide me" towards a different path. I knew she didn't want me to have a kid at 17 but saying it to me would have just emphasized how much of a burden I had probably been to her and she was clever enough not to say anything probably hoping I would have enough common sense and I did.

My mum and I are two very different individuals and don't inspire to the same things in life. I definitely wouldn't want to walk on her foot steps and I never needed a "reminder" to avoid doing it.

I would have been extremely pissed if she had given me a lecture on how crap it was to be a teenage mum and having to raise us (though she did mention it a few times!). A general talk about contraception and else why not, but using your experience with your daughter as an example to stray her from doing the same "mistake" would be a kick in the teeth to her.

Your other kids are probably very unfazed about your last kid not being planned, mentioning it will probably just make it a bigger deal and something they are likely to "throw in her face" during a petty argument.

Enjoy you daughter and worry when the time comes to actually worry.

[IAmNotAWitch]

She is a "Bonus Baby".

I think you are worrying too much and borrowing trouble.

The years will pass, pretty much everyone else will forget the how and why etc and she will just be part of the family.

She will make her own decisions on her family size, it isn't something you need to worry about.

I wouldn't be telling the older kids not to say anything either, that implies a secret to be had.

There is no secret, just an unexpected pregnancy that resulted in a much loved child - happens all the time.

[kateandme]

a surprise is different.it doesn't mean in any way a mistake!ffs how could someone say this to their child.
she will in her good days and deff dark days interpret this as her being wrong/bad/a mistake/unwanted/it could lead her to a dar path or it could be the icing on the cake of a spiral.dont ever tell anyone they are a mistake.
an amazing and cherished surprised.all the more blessed because of it not lesser than