To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

[MrsJayy]

You actually can't guide her the way you think you can, you just have to arm her with information and send her on her way .

You are hung up on her being a surprise/mistake you can tell her she was unexpected as you didn'tthink you would be having any more babies if she asks but she probably won't ask.

[AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen]

I was not a mistake, I was a happy accident! I'm well aware that I was unplanned, I caught my parents very much by surprised but my mum always says it was the best surprise she's ever had.
"Mistake" is a really crappy negative way of describing it, one which should be purely the purview of elder siblings whilst goading you. It shouldn't, imo, come from the parents. There are too many other nicer ways you could say it.

[SaltyPeanut]

I'd annoyed my mother and she told me the following, "you wouldn't even be here if your pissed up father would have taken no for an answer".

Haunts me to this day to think I was not only a mistake but possibly the product of marital rape.

Keep your secrets and regrets to yourself, the child played no part in it's own conception. The child is not to blame and does not deserve to ever have it's future mental health affected by your choices. You chose to have sex. I suggest own the consequences. The fact that you are worried one of your other kids will drop it out means you have spoken negatively about their new sibling in front of them which is not cool.

[Thebelleofstmarys]

My youngest son was the result of contraception failure when number 3 was 4 months old. I would never ever contemplate telling him he was an accident , mistake or anything. Please just leave it go.

[Lweji]

If she is loved as much as all the others, knowing that she was an accident shouldn't be a problem for her.

However, if you ever resent her for the unexpected pregnancy, that is a different case.

Make sure you act towards her as if she was a full choice instead of a "mistake".
You may not want to use such word, but that's what you came up with in the title and I suspect that's how you still feel about it. It's not fair to her.

[TeasndToast]

No I disn’t tell my older two. My teenage son found me in a pool of blood having suffered a sub-chronic heamatoma. My entire family where at the hospital when I had a scan revealing a bouncy baby nearly 20 weeks

[BlueBug45]

I was unplanned due to the age gap between me and my other siblings. However my mum was upset when a friend of hers, who also had older children, then had an unplanned son followed it up with a planned daughter. She did this so he had a sibling around his own age. She was upset because her relationship with my dad had fallen apart by the time she wanted to do the same.

Never tell your daughter she was a mistake as it means unwanted. If you do need to say anything you can simply say she was unplanned when she is much older and aware of the abortion laws in this country, as this means she was still wanted.

[Andromache77]

I'm the result of a contraception failure or better said, of a very absent-minded woman somehow hoping that the pill would work for her (I'm sure that she missed a few). I've known for ever, can't even remember when she first mentioned it but it doesn't bother me because I was and still am loved. She just told me not to have babies so close together, and I understand; in fact I was a perfect baby, no fuss at all, the problem was my older sister who was, erm... spirited. I have no complaints. As long as you are loved, who cares how you came to be?

[BeyondRadicalisationPortal]

Oh salty, that's awful! :(

[ProperLavs]

And you can't guide her down a different path. She must always believe that you think having 4 kids is wonderful and what you wanted saying anything else would make ALL your children feel shit.
You can be honest with them about the challenges of having a larger family so that they can make informed choices BUT if you do a good job as a parent then be proud that they might see having larger families as a positive thing and a testament to their happy childhoods where they felt secure and loved.

[Dulra]

I really think you are projecting too much. Your baby is 6 months old. You are probably still in shock at ever having her. You are completely overwhelmed with your situation but that is your situation now. You won't feel this way in 2 years or 10 years. When your daughter is of an age where she is thinking of starting a family absolutely talk about how overwhelmed your were when you had kids and so on but don't ever talk about her being number 4 is what pushed you over the edge. I honestly think you are overthinking something that is not going to be issue for years if at all. I had very bad pnd on my second dd I really struggled with being a mum to her. I am better now I have a great relationship with her and I am sure I will mention having pnd as my daughters get older in case it happens to them but I am not going to specifically name my 2nd daughter as the birth that caused it all

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

My third child is a 'where on earth did you come from' child who was conceived literally days before my now ex husband walked out. The ex responded 'you're an accident' when he once apologised for spilling a drink. At 8 years old I can tell you he was inconsolable when he talked about it with me.

Your children will make decisions about the size of their own families based on more than what they have seen you do. Please don't upset your youngest with what is an essentially 'you were unwanted' message.

[expatmigrant]

I'm the youngest of 5 and there are 8 years between me and the next one. At no point have i ever been to made to feel that i was a mistake.
Also then went on the have an unplanned baby myself, however I would never ever consider him a mistake and we absolutely adore him. We do joke that he was a very wonderful little 'accident'.
Hang your head in shame to even consider telling your DD she was a mistake whatever the consequence it had on your career.
If you really didn't want another child you or your husband should have been sterilised.

[BlueSapp]

SaltyPeanut

[londonliv]

I wouldn't ever tell her that - I think she would find it incredibly hurtful & upsetting.
I'm the youngest of four - I've sometimes wondered if I was an accident - my sisters have joked about it (as well as me being adopted ) but it's never something I'd ever want to ask my DM about.
I have to admit, growing up as 1 of 4 has given me no desire to have 4 children myself. Your DD May come to the same conclusion on her own!

[VulvaOfSteel]

Flipping awful thing to say. My Mum said similar to me about 20 years ago and I can still remember hoe much it hurt.

In the kindest possible way, you need to get over it.

Why are you still hurt by the fact that your mother and father had sex without imagining you while they did it?

Most babies are unplanned. The vast majority of babies are unplanned. My mother didn't even know she could conceive having been told she was infertile, it was plain to anyone who could see that I ruined her life as a teenage mum without any resources.

It's important that parents are honest with their children about how difficult children can be. Mine know I love them but I don't talk about "when they have babies" or when they are "mummies and daddies" like I've seen other parents do.

Parenting is one option, it is not an attack on the child to say that having children isn't always the easiest thing to do or that accidents happen.


Still, not sure that the daughter can avoid a contraception fail by knowing that! Accidents do happen OP.

[BlancheM]

None of mine were 'planned' but this reading this thread is the first time I've ever thought of it. There are options available to women so most children are wanted regardless of circumstances of conception.
I remember my mother meeting an old friend in town and introducing us kids and having a good old cackle as she described my sister as a 'happy accident'. Awful.

[Summersup]

how do I explain that while gently guiding her down a different path?”

it's not up to you to guide her down a different path. she might have a very different response to an unexpected child than you are having.

you sound shell-shocked by this new arrival and in a few years what you say and feel may be very different anyway.

[Believeitornot]

The fact you’re even thinking of telling her, using the word mistake just strikes me as spiteful. It really does. Like you want to pass on the bad feeling you have onto her.

[VulvaOfSteel]

I also know a few people who refer to their child as a surprise, usually in cases where it's obvious anyway. Three MUCH older children, same partner for example.


The kids think it's hilarious like they got one over on their parents. kids are sadistic little bastards

[sunshinesupermum]

Please don't ever tell her. My mother told me more than once that she wanted three boys...and then a girl. I've never forgotten how it made me feel.

[CointreauVersial]

I've always known I was unplanned/contraceptive failure - parents married less than a year; DM already realising it was a big mistake and wondering how to get out.

But it has made no difference as to how loved I was, and hasn't affected my relationship with DM in any way (she stuck it out until I was 18mo old in the end). She has always been honest with me about her past, and the struggles she went through to break free from her marriage and start again as a single parent.

[OldSchoolPhotograph]

I was unplanned as was my younger brother (4 children in the family in total). It's never occurred to me to feel bothered by this. Why should anyone feel upset because they were unplanned, it doesn't automatically mean they weren't wanted.

Tell her she was a 'brilliant, unexpected bonus', a 'fabulous surprise'. If you have to say mistake, she's 'the best mistake you ever made'. Say you wouldn't have had it any other way, that you can't imagine life without her etc.

[FuckPants]

My husband was told he was a mistake but his younger sister wasn't, needless to say he barely has a relationship with his parents.

[sheldonesque]

Please don't.

I say this as someone who was 'a mistake'.