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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He left

438 replies

WhatIsHappiness · 06/06/2018 09:27

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

OP posts:

hoopdeloop · 06/06/2018 09:30

for you
Of course it’s not unreasonable to say you don’t want him back, if that’s genuinely what you want. I don’t know of your other threads so I realise I’m making comments on not the full picture, but just be careful of making a knee jerk reaction because he has.

On saying that, I also think you’re at perfect liberty for putting his balls in a vice for leaving you with 2 DC!

Original poster

WhatIsHappiness · 06/06/2018 09:35

He has been talking about leaving us since December. I never thought he would actually leave, but at the same time, I tried to work on our marriage of nearly 15 years, but obviously it didn't make any difference. He didn't put any effort in "fixing" it. It was all one sided. The children have no idea he left, the baby is too young to notice but the older one will probably notice when he gets home from school.

OP posts:

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 06/06/2018 09:39

I would tell him not to come back. He's been keeping you in limbo for 6 months, he's not fixing anything himself, he's left you alone with tiny children.

No more chances.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2018 09:41

Stop giving him all the power. It's not all him, him, him making the decisions. The break, how long the break will be, that there will be no divorce, that you have to take him back blah blah blah.

He left.

He doesn't get to step off from family life like it's a fucking roundabout and diddle with everyone's emotions like that. It's not on.

Nope.

Tell him you don't want him back. He's not welcome back. You are separated.

Because you are.

My guess is he wants a break to fuck around, see if there's someone else out there.

Twat.

bluebell34567 · 06/06/2018 09:42

from me, too.
he seems very inconsiderate leaving you like that with a newborn and a young child.
I cant comment if you are BU because I dont know the details. Its a very difficult situation and I hope you cope well.

gamerchick · 06/06/2018 09:42

Take the control away from him. He doesn't get to stick you in limbo and keep you there. You'll only end up anxious.

Tell him to stay away while you figure out what you want and don't let him come back. He doesn't get to call all the shots

bluebell34567 · 06/06/2018 09:43

is he depressed or something?

Gilead · 06/06/2018 09:44

He doesn't get to step off from family life like it's a fucking roundabout and diddle with everyone's emotions like that. It's not on.
These are wise words. op. Take control.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 06/06/2018 09:45

Are e you sure there's not another woman?..I only say this because if he sleeps with her while with you then it's cheating...but if he does it while on a break then technically you aren't together when it happened...could he have met a woman online or could there be a woman at work?

I wouldn't stand for all this , he has been bothering you about this for 6 months...he doesn't want to divorce e so why the heck is he taking a break?..what has he got to thinking k about?..doesn't he know by now that marriage is a two person team and that what ever issues you have whether it's financial or even relationship is best dealt with by both of you...

I wouldn't just take him back, he would have to have a good explanation of what the break was for and what he did during that time

Original poster

WhatIsHappiness · 06/06/2018 09:45

He's not depressed or anything. Actually he's been feeling quite happy with himself lately, looking more after his appearance, etc. He shed a tear or two when he left last night, saying it wasn't easy for him to leave our family home, but he still went and bloody did it!

OP posts:

Bobbybear10 · 06/06/2018 09:46

I also think you need to gain back some control of this situation.

You seem to be quite passive and letting him make all the decision that affect both of you!

You need to think about what you want. It sounds like his heart isn’t really in it anymore. I know that doesn’t stop you loving him etc but do you really want to be with someone that doesn’t want you and your family 100%?

I always thought it would be better to be alone than with someone who always thought I was second best or he was just making the best of it for the kids etc.

I’m sorry you are going through this

Scrumptiousbears · 06/06/2018 09:46

If he's been happier and looking after his appearance do you think there maybe someone else?

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 06/06/2018 09:46

sorry about all the extra e and k in my post...my phone is playing up

senioritabonita · 06/06/2018 09:46

Take his power away. Tell him you consider yourself separated and will meet in 2 weeks to discuss the way forward, and you don't want to speak to him other than to arrange his time with DC in the meantime.

Original poster

WhatIsHappiness · 06/06/2018 09:48

I made it very clear to him that once he left, we would be separated. If he has been wanting to have a break for such a long time, it's clear that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and we were just together because of the children!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 06/06/2018 09:48

'Actually he's been feeling quite happy with himself lately, looking more after his appearance, etc. He shed a tear or two when he left last night, saying it wasn't easy for him to leave our family home, but he still went and bloody did it!'

He's got another woman, he wants to give her a trial, see if the grass is greener and keep you and his family as backup.

Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.

What a shit, to do this to you all.

I wouldn't take him back.

FullMetalRabbit · 06/06/2018 09:48

He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced

and who made him king of the world to make that decision for you both?

agree with PPs - take your control back OP

Original poster

WhatIsHappiness · 06/06/2018 09:52

Don't want to drip feed, but he started getting close to a female friend at work at the end of last year (just before he started being confused, what a coincidence!!!!). They consider each other best friends, etc. I got suspicious as they were getting very close, too quickly, so I checked his phone and found flirty daily messages between them. I don't think he left to be with her, but her influence in his life has definitely something to do with him leaving!

OP posts:

Justanothernameonthepage · 06/06/2018 09:53

I'm sorry OP. I do think that you should visit a solicitor, gather details of everything (mortgage, payslips, any investment/property/pension info).
I'd also keep an eye on any joint accounts and if you only have a joint account, open up a separate one and put a float in there (no more than half the money from the joint).
You decide what you want the divorce and co-parenting to look like and work towards it. Contact him via email and ask what arrangements he wants to make with the DC (aim for 50/50 with older DC and daily time with baby once baby is old enough - but not with you present).

expatinscotland · 06/06/2018 09:54

See a solicitor.

Lulusmother · 06/06/2018 09:55

If he’s taking care in his appearance I’d say OW too.

For you OP 💐 you can do this without him.

Loonoon · 06/06/2018 09:56

I agree with PP. Marriage isn't a job that you can take unpaid leave from when you are bored or anxious. He isn't the boss of you, you have choices in this matter and you need a partner and father for your children that you can rely on. And I wouldn't call it a 'break' either , there is no such thing outside novels and sit-coms. This is a separation which may or may not prove to be temporary and you should name it.

Consult a solicitor right away and get an idea of your rights around financial support at the very least. Tell him when you have done it. And I would also change the locks. Make it very clear that he can't just waltz in and out of your home, life, marriage and fatherhood as the fancy takes him.

Justanothernameonthepage · 06/06/2018 09:56

Quite frankly, I hope his weaselly behaviour and cowardly actions in treating his families emotions like a distant afterthought has killed any love you might have left.
Also consider getting the truth out there. He left his family. You don't know why. He hasn't said he wants a divorce but his abandoning his family hasn't really left you with much choice.

Original poster

WhatIsHappiness · 06/06/2018 09:57

Good advice about seeing a solicitor. I can't think straight at the moment.
I honestly thought he would turn around and come back straight away. Obviously that didn't happen!
What should I say to the older child? He wants me to say that he's gone away with work (something he's never done before!).

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 06/06/2018 09:57

I’m sorry but I think she has more to do with
him leaving, they’ll maybe wait a few weeks or months, but she probably is why he left

I wouldn’t give him any more chances, he’s gone so yes, you’re separated and I’d be getting legal advice and taking steps to divorce

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