He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

[DorisDances]

thinking of you OP

[Forgotmycoat]

How are you getting on op? Hope you and dc are well.

[Ellendegeneres]

Hey what just checking in to see how you’re doing?

[Eden80]

I am so sorry OP - he is an utter bastard leaving you with a newborn. I do think he has clearly left for this woman at work, shes told him to before she will embark upon a full on relationship perhaps? Flirty messages and best friends when he is a married man with children? They rarely leave unless something else is on offer the cowardly bastards. When your baby gets a bit older this will all be easier and I hope you have support around you and you can find happiness when you are ready with someone decent because this man is a far cry from that.

[Jetwashingsquirrels]

Hope that you're doing ok OP, you have been amazingly strong throughout this whole process and your children are very lucky to have you as their mum. Lots of and being sent your way right now. Also I found another song to sing to yourself when he's being particularly twattish x

[Gillead2029]

Hope you’re as okay as you can be OP 💐

[AsleepAllDay]

Thinking of you OP

[CheesyWeez]

Another one thinking of you and wishing you well for the weekend.

[justilou1]

I keep checking in to see how you're going, OP.... Good luck for the weekend. Big hugs. x

[soupforbrains]

@WhatIsHappiness how are things going now? How are you feeling and coping. Have you still got plenty of support around you?

Hope you're ok. x

[QuitMoaning]

My ex husband left when our son was 3 weeks old and I was breast feeding.
It was really tough but I did it and have an incredible relationship with my son now (he is 20 now). My life now is epic with a new incredible partner (been together 9 years). Keep positive! Remember that any bad times are temporary and you will come out the other side.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I don't think it's a mania for having the OW there when they have their kids, tbh, I think most men have absolutely no idea how to interact with their own children. So they need someone else there to mediate and to 'act' in front of. How many men do we hear about who are supposedly 'looking after' the children but, in reality, are sitting on their phones or watching TV rather than playing with the kids?

In the absence of OW they will often take the children to their parents' house just so there are other adults present and they don't have to give the children their full attention.

[Mc180768]

If you can't sort it out together, I'm not sure any of you can sort it out apart.

My first husband used to bang on about needing 'space' to sort his head out. If someone wants to leave, then let them go. YANU at all to get shut.

[AsleepAllDay]

Yes, it is mainly men who do it and in the worst ways too! Most women have more sense for sure

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

My ex tells people I am a cheat (and lots else) by the way, it's a lie of course.

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

"Women definitely cheat and walk out too" - but way less than 10% leave man holding baby and that's a minority by anyone's standards!

[AsleepAllDay]

Women definitely cheat and walk out too - my ex was cheated on by his gf before me for instance

But you are doing so wonderfully OP and you're so strong - I would crumble at everything you're facing! Sending

[Juells]

Also be prepared for the fact that if there is an OW involved he'll be trying to have her present every time he has the children. Men seem to have some kind of mania about that, they're determined that the OW must be there every single time instead of trying to get the children used to seeing him on his own 😡

Bastards.

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

Remind any one involved that children are not mature therefore totally self centric and designed to find ways to blame themselves for negative events - this must be anticipated and allowed for as much as possible.

So negative facts to an absolute simple minimum, no fuzziness, all truth and always reinforcing the why not being about the child or as a result of the child's actions.

Children don't dwell the way adults do but they jump in and out of negative emotion so odd questions and thoughts pop out at odd times and you have to be ready to catch them, let them be sad or angry or confused, and then move on. Follow their cues.

[IamXXHearMeRoar]

Agreed do the telling on your own and keep dcs with you for a while after, the trick is to not rock their boat in any other way. Seriously consider overnight visits before the dust settles, little ones need their stability.

My 5yo needed to hear that home is the same, mummy is here and not leaving. Mummy will always be here and that will never change. Daddy lives somewhere else now.

When asked why I said I don't know but that is how it is now and it is ok to feel sad but we will be ok.

Tbf I said little about visits because predictably ex is a shit and right enough he let dc down on visits repeatedly until I stopped mentioning in advance at all. Watch out for that one. Hopefully your co-parent will co-parent, don't take it as a given though.

[Juells]

Tell your DS yourself, and tell him the truth. "Daddy wants to live on his own for a while".

Not "Mummy and Daddy aren't getting on and it's best for Daddy to move out". There will be great efforts made by him to shift the blame onto you, so cut him off at the pass.

[SlowDown76mph]

Think carefully about telling DS jointly with ExDH, it might not be a good idea. If you were on the same page and relatively amicable then it could be a positive thing. But, in your case, it might backfire nastily. Can you rely on ExDH to put child first? Or will he deny, self-justify, and be utterly selfish..?

[ShinySilverBeast]

Also thinking the same as Muddling...

I used to work with 5-11 year olds. When things like this were happening at home they'd often come in outwardly fine and then start talking to us about their worries and describe things to us that their parents thought they'd "protected" them from. Invariably they would be blaming themselves. That's just how children understand the world in the absence of anybody telling them otherwise.

[Muddlingalongalone]

Glad you've had a good weekend.
Mine were much younger 3.5 & 4 months, but may I suggest that given ex's habit of re-writing history that telling your ds and then him going straight to ex's for a couple of days might not be the best idea. You won't be there to help him after or know what he is being told.
Telling him together if you can present a United front for ds and have a consistent message is a good idea but you should probably try to agree this with ex in advance if possible. Could you tell him together, let him stay with you for a few days and then go to ex's??

[Sharpcattlegridheavyhat]

Just in case the replies dry up I just wanted to reiterate how strong you’re being and to just add to the voices in case your tiredness from the weekend leads you to dwell on things too much. I am in awe of your courage and am confident in the inevitable regret he’s probably already feeling with how hes behaved and what he’s done. If the same happened to me I’d like to think I could be as strong as you are being.