He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

[ReanimatedSGB]

It sounds very much like he has been waiting for this other woman either to respond to his interest or, perhaps, to end whatever relationship she may have been involved in elsewhere. The reason he hasn't been honest was because he was waiting for her, and wanted to make sure he could still get his home comforts from you if she decided to drop him (also, men who do the 'I'm not sure whether I want to stay with you' are also trying to get you to scurry round pleasing them rather than wondering whether they are worth hanging on to).
Start getting the practical stuff in place for a divorce (and make very sure that he can't empty the shared bank account - if there is a shared bank account, divert your half into another account he can't touch). You don't need his permission or co-operation to divorce him and move on.

[Goldmonday]

Good riddance quite frankly!!!! You can't take a sabbatical from marriage and a family.

As pp have suggested he probably wants a taste of single life for a while under the pretence of "poor me I'm unhappy life is hard" what a cunt.

You sound like you are being extremely strong so good for you, make him have to fight to get back everything he loves.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@Loonoon can I actually change the locks if the mortgage is in both our names?

[pigmcpigface]

I think some men come from a very entitled place, where they feel that when they have 'issues', it's up to everyone else to put up with these until they figure things out. They are literally THAT self-centred that they can't even see or acknowledge that their behaviour and decisions have consequences - sometimes brutal, awful consequences - for those around them.

It sounds to me that your DH is in love with someone else, but wants to keep you in place as an insurance policy in case his new woman turns out to have feet of clay. Which may well happen. He will then be back, bemoaning the 'awful crisis'' and 'terrible mistakes' he has made, and again making it all about him when you have suffered terribly through this whole ordeal. He will want to turn back the clock, while you sit there hurting like hell from what has happened, with your life and confidence in tatters.

Chin up, hold your head high, and walk away. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

[WhatIsHappiness]

What should I say to the older child? He wants me to say that he's gone away for work (something he's never done before!).

[NightAndShiningArmour]

It sounds like you've got good instincts, OP. And you're sounding quite calm, considering. Sorry that this is happening

To echo what other PPs have said, I hope you'll tell him it's over and begin the big D word. You can't control each other, but you can control yourself and your decisions - get back in the driving seat of your own future :) I promise that time helps, and there's bigger happiness to be had than spending years nursing a for-the-kids relationship! X

[PieAndPumpkins]

I'd be reluctant to lie you your older child, dependent on how old they are. What if he doesn't come back? Or you do decide you don't want him back? Your child will realise you lied and that could lead to hurt/anger/blame. You could just defer telling your son for tonight, just say DH is out tonight. Then if things are still like this tomorrow, consider telling him the truth. So sorry.

[Gemini69]

Start the ground work for Divorce..

it's not a mere coincidence that everything has changed when a 'female friend' came on the scene.... you've made i easy for him.. until now.. he's coming and going as he pleases.. he doesn't want a divorce because it was financially cripple him...

you need to take back control

[NightAndShiningArmour]

How old is you DC?

[soupforbrains]

In my opinion he has created this break because he is tempted by the other woman. He sees the cheating/not cheating as being a black and white line.

i.e. he may be emotionally attached to this woman but hasn't slept with her because he doesn't want to cheat. He's not sure if she is the real deal or a passing thing and has been fucking you around while he tries to work it out.

He thinks that by going on 'a break' with you he can give himself some time to have some fun with the other woman without the risk of losing you if it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Essentially he has no clue what he feels and wants to have his cake and eat it, all by fucking you about and expecting you to wait patiently for him to come to his senses.

In your situation I would contact him in writing (so that you can re-read it to be sure of meaning and tone before you send it) and say that he either returns IMEDIATELY with a commitment to working TOGETHER on your relationship and marriage (couples counselling if you can afford it), or if he is not home by tonight then that is it, he has LEFT and you are both officially separated. That his lack of commitment to trying to make it work and the ease with which he finds himself able to walk out on not only you but his children, has meant that you no longer have any faith or trust in him or his actions and as such the relationship is over.

Good luck OP. It's going to be a very tough time but I think you are right to take control of the situation and stop being at the mercy of his fuckwitting.

[KatharinaRosalie]

He's got another woman, he wants to give her a trial, see if the grass is greener and keep you and his family as backup.

That. He left you with a newbon, when even if he wants out, he should be man enough to give you the practical support needed. And expects you to sit there and wait if and when he decides to return. Twat.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

You can add a chain for when you're home. But think if you change locks, he'd be able to call locksmith etc and going down that route can be very acrimonious. I'd use his hedging to advantage, get everything lined up and present it to him. Anything precious to you that he can't claim, move to somewhere else.
While he is feeling guilty, get it set up before he rewrites history (you kicked him out/stopped him being with his DC etc).
With Dc, tell nursery/school what is happening so DC can have support and be honest in age appropriate ways. 'DF is moving to a new house. He loves you and X very much and is probably really excited to show it to you. Would you like to call him?' make sure kids speak to him. Do not attempt to block it.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@PieAndPumpkins good advice about not lying to my older child. I didn't think it would be the best way forward and why should I cover up for someone that left us???

I'm so tempted to call his dad and tell him what is happening!! Apparently he went to his cousin's house and is staying there as he doesn't want anyone else to know we are "on a break"!!

Should I tell his dad?

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

Ring solicitors today, see one as soon as possible and find out what you need to get rolling. You can't trust him, it doesn't sound as if he gives a shit about the family. Get on the front foot.

Show him he doesn't get to walk all over you.

I would tell your eldest that Daddy has decided to live somewhere else but that he loves him very much. Tell your husband that you're doing this first - let him realise the seriousness of the step he has taken. If he wants to be part of the conversation, think about whether this would benefit your son.

Where is he living, out of interest?

[Tambien]

I agree about you taking decisions.
He left and his behaviour in the last 6 months has been good. He said he would work on the relationship and didn’t.
This is up to you to decide if you have enough. If this is the case, then go for it!

I would not tell him just yet though. I would use the time he is ‘away’ thinking to gather paperwork, go and see a solicitor and in general get ready. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had done the same anyway (or started to)

[WhatIsHappiness]

@soupforbrains he's very stubborn. I'm pretty sure if I give him an ultimatum, he will ignore my message or reply saying "You can't control me, I'm not your puppy anymore". Apparently it's one of the reasons why he left, I'm "too controlling"!

[Juells]

Actually he's been feeling quite happy with himself lately, looking more after his appearance, etc.

You know exactly what that means, even if you don't want to face it yet.

He's been quietly making arrangements for somewhere to stay etc., getting his ducks in a row, before bothering to tell you he's off. He's been planning this for quite a while. "So difficult to leave" my arse.

I've been there, and realised that he wanted to (as I thought of it) preserve his family in aspic so he could drift to and fro between us and his OW, the tormented soul, back for six months of trying-his-best, then off for another few months of angst and drama, two women hanging on his decisions.

Fuck that, you have your children to think about, and your own happiness has to come first. Me ex strung me along for fucking years of anxiety and hurt, years that I'll never get back.

[senioritabonita]

If I were you I would be clear and tell people that he has requested a break and you are now separated. Please do not engage with his behaviour. He is having an emotional affair and it sounds like he’s left to see if she wants him before committing. Take back power.

[Loonoon]

I am not sure about the legal implications of changing the locks. Under the circumstances I would pretend there had been an incident which made a lock change necessary (we once had the top of a key sheer off leaving the shank in the door which necessitated an emergency lock change). Let him know that about it and that you will get a new key to him ASAP. Then delay it as long as possible.

Some people might see it as game playing but I think it would send a message that you are now in charge of the home territory - which is probably game playing but I think it's an important message to send.

[NightAndShiningArmour]

Hmmm. Telling people - of course you can tell people. Perhaps saying that you've separated, rather than "he's left" (I KNOW that's what he HAS done, but you may be glad in future of a more mutual choice of words. You, after all, are the one who has decided he's not coming back). But would there be a reason to ring up his dad? I certainly told my parents (after about a week!) and wouldn't have thought to tell his. Do you need support/have frequent independent contact with his dad?

[AbsolutelyBeginning]

@expatinscotland

said what I would have said myself.

It's time for this bullshit to stop.

[NightAndShiningArmour]

Good advice from ItsNiceItsDifferent about reassuring your DC that they are loved and giving your STBXDH a chance to deliver that talk together.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

I wouldn't tell anyone until you're underway with legal bits. It will get back to him that you're seeing a solicitor and he'll start game playing/promising/escalating. Just get it all lined up and then make it common knowledge to people who would talk to him

[MrsPepperpot79]

I wouldn't tell his dad, not yet. I would line up the financial ducks as pp's have said. I would tell son that Daddy isn't home today - not lie but fudge it slightly till Friday when you'll know better what the situation is, and not disrupt school mid-week. I would then say that although daddy loves the DC very much, things are tricky with mummy and daddy and daddy has decided to live with his cousin.
I would also be telling your DH that as he has chosen to opt out, he can now stay out until/if YOU decide otherwise. I would suggest he is permanently out, because fucking around for 6 months and then leaving you with children - one a new-born - speaks volumes about his lack of responsibility, understanding and empathy towards both the children and yourself.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual he went to his cousin's house. He actually called him in front of me before he left to say he was on his way.

We had a chat on Sunday and agreed that we would speak to the older child together on Tuesday. But last night, he suddenly changed his mind and told me he was leaving after the children went to bed!