He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

@NightAndShiningArmour I don't usually speak to his dad, don't usually call him as he lives abroad. But I think his dad should know what his "perfect son" had the "courage" to do. I still can't believe he left us! Everyone thinks he is so amazing, a fantastic husband, a perfect dad, etc!

My exDH did something like this: Don't know what I want, confused, need time away, etc etc - basically said he wanted to be on his own for a month or so to clear his head. Found out he had met someone, was basically 'freeing' himself in order to be with her. I suppose his thought was if it works with her, great, divorce the wife. If it doesn't, go back to wife until someone else comes along. I told him if you go, you stay gone. Your husband is a twat. I can always remember my DSis's FIL saying (when his now ex Son IL left in similar circumstances) 'no man leaves his wife and children for an empty bed'. I would be AMAZED if your husband does not have another woman. See a solicitor and seize back control.

Ahh the old "you are so controlling" line... eyeroll

I heard the same from my ex after he left, funnily enough he was with someone else two months later too.

I wouldn't lie to your little one, just say daddy is staying with a cousin/friend/whoever for a bit but you both love him and he will see him soon. I was so worried about my little girls reaction (she was almost 5) but she really took it in her stride.

Good luck, I wish you well x

As long as your DC knows that you both love them and that they are safe and won't be living on the streets, then they will be fine.

I'm in the 'tell everyone he's left' camp, actually. I know people don't need to know, but you might need their help and support at some point, and keeping quiet is just keeping his little secret. If he pops up with a 'girl he's really, honestly and truly just met and started sleeping with' in the next week or so, everyone else will also see through his little story, if they know the background.

I'd also tell him it's over. Don't give him the control over whether or not he comes home, or indeed, over anything. It's up to you.

With regard to your DC1, if it was me and I had decided that the marriage was over I would tell the DC the truth. If I was unsure/still making my mind up I would probably go along with what your DH suggested or something similar, I am assuming DC1 is quite young - the older the child the more likely I would be to tell him/her the truth straightaway but obviously I don't know your child and you know best.
Has your DH made arrangements about contact with your DC or is the dickhead having a 'break' from them too?

Apparently he went to his cousin's house and is staying there as he doesn't want anyone else to know we are "on a break"!!

Because they would be disappointed in him for leaving his wife with a new baby and child to care for on her own.

Look here:

www.gov.uk/legal-separation

Do it today, get it started and make him realise you mean business.

@Juells I'm sorry to hear you have been through it as well!

@Piffle11 oh gosh, so yours also used the same line? Where do they learn this "I'm confused, bla bla bla" BS?
I'm sorry to hear you've been through it too!

Are there some other people you can tell in RL before deciding whether you still want to tell his dad? Get it "out your system" so to speak? I really hope no one would blame you for contacting his dad while upset and hurt, but I worry it won't make things any smoother for your future relationship as separated parents x

Certainly sounds as though this 'friendship' is a driving force behind your husband's decisions.

He doesn't get to decide how he comes and goes- he isn't the boss of your marriage. He's left, you want him to stay left- job done. He doesn't get to tell you that there will be no divorce- you have the right to decide that there will be .

Agree with previous posters- see a solicitor, line up the finances. He has already proved that he doesn't care about hurting you or the children in order to satisfy his own whims, so he'll certainly have no qualms about leaving you financially stuffed.

You probably aren't allowed to change the locks unless you also give him keys. However, as the sole adult in a household with very young children, you'll probably want to add extra security- perhaps extra mortice locks on external doors. You'd have to give him copies of the keys if required.

@Ringonrighthand so sorry to hear you had to go through it too! I'm glad your little girl didn't suffer!
He sent me a text yesterday saying "Our DC are doing to well, I can't believe we are about to break their hearts"

So he didn’t have the gut to speak to his own dc and has left you handling it.
He doesn’t want people to know as to not destroy his image of the good dad and husband.

Actually I agree, I would be very clear about the fact he has left you and the dcs, incl à baby. I would tell people incl his family (dad for example) as well as your family and friends.
Why shouldn’t they know about what he has done? To protect his feelings? Well he clearly didn’t care about yours when he refused to engage in making efforts to save the relationship....

Call his Dad... just letting him know.. you're separated.. and he's not living with you now ...

crack this shady sham right open OP

Xpost.

WE are going to break their hearts. WE????
How in earth can he say it’s a ‘we’ and not ‘I’???

I would tell your child the truth. That you dont know why he left, but that you will never ever leave him. Tell him he can always count on you and give him a big cuddle. Tell him you love him. Distract him and buy him a treat like a cheap ball or car. Maybe now is the time to start a family movie night on Friday, and get out the popcorn and watch a great kids movie You could start a routine with every Friday movie night, every Sunday have lunch with extended family,and so on. This way you create a feeling of security to counteract the weak bastard's pathetic excuse for parenting. No excuse for leaving his kids wondering, let alone you.

Focus on being the best you Focus on being the best Mum you can be. Look after your health and be kind to yourself when you need to take time to consider the way forward.

@AmazinglyGrace Thanks for the link, will have a look now!

Then send him a text back saying 'there's no 'we' in what you are doing.'

He's trying to shift the blame on to you. I know it takes two to make (or break) a marriage, but he's the one who left...

Great advice about getting things in place first.

Your emotions will try to drive you into things like telling his dad etc but by doing that you lose your chance to get ahead of this, you give him the opportunity to get his ducks in a row!

I'm sorry that sounds glib because I know this is your life and you must be devastated but there is loads of time for emotions after you protect yourself!

@Ginnotginger Regarding contact with DC, before the left last night, first he said he would come to see them everyday after school, then he said he will come after school on Thursday or Friday. Then he said he will pick both up on Saturday and spend the day with them. At that point, I asked whether he would like the same arrangement next week and he said "let's just get through today!" He knows he can come and pick them up whenever he wants!

I would put money on his getting together with the woman from work in a very short time. So sorry, OP, but have seen this scenario before. He will deny there is anything going on but they will have been edging towards it for a while, probably kidding themselves in the process.

Time to make your own plans and get ahead of him in this game.

Enough. He has been ruining your life for 6 months and it's all about him. Your family is now you and your children so start putting things in motion so you can have a secure future.

What is the financial situation?

He doesnt want anyone to know you are on a break? You're not. He has decided to leave.

"He wants me to say that he's gone away for work"

He hasn't. Hes left.

It sounds like he's given himself a free pass to see who he wants.

When he realises the grass isn't greener, he will come back.

Dont let him treat you like a mug.

He probably told the OW you live together, but are seperated.

The OW has probably said we can't see eachother until you are single and have moved out.

@NightAndShiningArmour I briefly told my mum and brother last night. I was too upset to speak to them so sent a quick text saying he left us!

"Our DC are doing to well, I can't believe we are about to break their hearts"

Oh for fuck sake, he's enjoying the drama while you're in meltdown from the stress.

It's emotional wanking.