He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

Well his text yesterday sounds decided. I wouldn't mince your words with him. HE is breaking their hearts. HE left.

You needn't change the locks - get a burglar alarm 'for security' and don't give him the code. You'll be glad to have it anyway when you're alone in the house.

He wants YOU to tell your DC that 'Daddy is gone away with work'?
No way. He's the one who decided to leave. It's up to him to speak to DC. I know you don't want to drag them into the middle of everything OP, but don't do his dirty work for him.

Same with him telling you that nobody is allowed know that you're separated. He can't control whether or not you decide to tell anyone this. You're perfectly entitled to speak to whoever you want.

DH's brother did similar a few years ago. Told his wife there was no one else but he needed 'space' and 'time to think'. Moved in with his parents for a couple of weeks, then boom, 5 minutes later and there was a new woman on the scene. It transpired afterwards that he'd been seeing her before he married his wife (almost 10 years previously). She had a daughter a year older than his son from his marriage. We're pretty sure the daughter is his.

I'm sorry you're going through all this OP, especially with such small kids

Are you close to your own family? Is there anyone there who could support you, parents, siblings etc?

@Tambien exactly! I'm definitely not part of this "we are breaking their hearts" malarkey! He is the one that decided to leave us. Mind you, he nearly left without his toothbrush and deodorant, so I got it for him and checked he had enough pants and socks before he left. I wanted him to think that I wasn't too heartbroken (of course I am!!), because he said I shouldn't make it out that I was "the victim" in all of this!!

OP, firstly, a strong hug, but you can do this, we are here for you, around the clock.💐
Ring him, tell him he chose to leave, he can tell his Son himself.😡
It does sound as though he's had his head turned, in which case you have lost nothing. You are not doing the pick me dance, you are worth more.
Make a solicitors appointment today, get your ducks in a row, then bag up his stuff.
Hope you're bearing up.

Its really hard Op, really hard, but you have to take all the power back from him and the sooner you can do this the better.

every time he says "we" pull him up on it. there is no "we" anymore and that was his decision.

of course he wants to keep it quiet. he has been an absolute shit. so tell everyone that you want to.

He doesn't get to walk away from being a parent. put in place asap access arrangements to suit you not just to let him come and go as he pleases when he feels he wants to play happy families. its very disruptive for your children if he disappears for days at a time and they have no idea when they will next see him. Every other weekend, starting on Friday and finishing Sunday night. 2 or 3 nights in the week.

he doesn't want the children around because he wants to spend his time and energy cultivating his new relationship. so don't make any of this easy for him.

and definitely see a solicitor asap to get all of your ducks in a row.

this has ended and you now need to put yourself in the driving seat.

good luck OP. you sound like a strong woman who will do the best for her children. what a loss you will be to him!

No way would I keep quiet about his leaving. Twat. He is just giving himself time to find a way of blaming you for everything.

Other woman will come out eventually.

@Lucked I'm on maternity leave at the moment and need to sort out childcare for when I go back to work. We need both incomes to pay the mortgage and bills while I'm on mat leave and after too as full-time nursery fees are very high and we don't have any help with childcare.

Ring him, tell him he chose to leave, he can tell his Son himself.😡

I wouldn't do that, simply because it gives him to opportunity to make up some bullshit story. Make sure he does it when you're there and make sure you interject and correct if he starts to say things like 'Mummy and Daddy have decided ...', or tell DS yourself in the presence of STBExH and let him field the questions.

he said I shouldn't make it out that I was "the victim" in all of this!!

Oh this man's an utter cunt. Fuck him over.

@HildaZelda Oh no at what happened to DH's brother's family!

I'm close to my family but my parents live abroad. My brother lives an hour or so away. He came round after work on Monday for a couple of hours. He said he will come round again this week.

Are you sure he's definitely with the cousin? Because to me, phoning his cousin right in front of you to say he's coming round sounds really strange. Was he really speaking to the cousin?

He doesn't need to be breaking anyone's hearts. If that's what he thinks leaving his DC will do he'll be applying for 50/50 then won't he? I'd suggest that to him actually. Throw a spanner in his works.

Since finding this website I genuinely can't believe how common this situation is! Op I'm in pretty much the exact same position, partner left, also said I'm controlling even down to the messages with a work colleague and not wanting to tell people

I don't understand how they can walk away from their responsibilities just like that, they can't! Don't make it easy for him, everyone keeps telling me I am but at the end of the day he is also the parent!

I'm a few weeks in and it still hurts but getting easier, know your not alone and know how strong you are

I'm feeling very emotional and lost with everything, but thanks everyone for your advices and support. I'm going to look for legal advice and make sure everything is sorted before announcing that he left us. I will never say "we have decided to separate" because our friends and family need to see that he was the one responsible for breaking up our family. It's his choice! He wanted to leave our DC, including a newborn! Who does that?!

@Thundercracker DH said he doesn't know how long he is going away for, probably a week or two. He also said that usually distance makes the heart grow fonder. I also found strange that he called his cousin in front of me, as if he needed to prove he was definitely going there! It was a very short phone call, like this:
DH: "I'm coming"
Cousin: "how long are you staying?"
DH: "I don't know. We chat about it."

please dont let him think he can wander in and out to see the kids when he wants. That is absolutely no good for them. They need a regular and reliable routine. Stability. especially when he has pulled the rug from afterwards. Do not bend over backwards to facilitate their relationship with their dad - it is up to him.

You may find that you are entitled to alot of help with childcare costs. From today you count as single. Get onto 'entitled to' and start the ball rolling now. Dont rely on him paying for anything, get yourself financially independant so you dont need to.

Hello @WhatisHappiness

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I would follow lots of the advice on here

• get yourself some emotional support from friends and your family, I would tell them he has left and that he's wanting you to cover it up and do all the communication.
• get legal advice asap
• think about what you want and what is right for the kids in terms of access, set something up regularly so you can plan around it and so the kids have security whether that's every other weekend, 50/50 or shorter periods (esp if breastfeeding still)
• paying for childcare is his responsibility too, he will also have to pay for maintenance so get evidence now of his salary etc
• think about what you want to happen in terms of the home, and get your legal advice on this

Be kind to yourself, this is a shit thing to happen at a shit time. Accept help. If you can consider ready meals, a cleaner, online shopping delivery, some counselling - whatever for you would make life easier for this next bit while you get back on your feet

@Changingoftheguard Oh no, I'm sorry it's also happening to you! How old are your children? Did he also keep talking about leaving, etc?

All the best. The man is a coward. Do not let him back if he comes crawling without him putting everything right. Approach everything as if it's the end incase it is.

He cannot walk away from his children and responsibilities for a week or two!

The youngest isnt even one and oldest is two.

He mentioned a couple of times he wasnt as happy as he had been but we would go back to normal well as normal as life is with two small children, life changes when you have children and I don't know if he accepted that he certainly didn't fight to keep our family

Don't trust him.
You need to take control now.

Don't let him dictate when he sees the kids. He shouldn't be able to come and go as if he still lives there. Set specific contact time.

Tell dc the age appropriate truth.

Don't contact his dad. Blood is thicker than water. He will ultimately believe whatever lies your DH tells him.

Tell your family and friends exactly what happened. Will make you less likely to believe his bullshit when he realises that the grass isn't greener.

Prepare your finances and speak to a Shit Hot Lawyer. He is already demonstrating that he wants you to take the blame for the breakup. Take his advice and don't be a victim in this. Fight for yourself and your dc.

You will ultimately be better and happier without him.

Right so time to start seeing some lawyers. He's massively ahead of you and you need to play catch up fast. Do not go for one appointment see at least 2 preferably more lawyers. Do not worry about the cost. Every lawyer you see will be one that wont be able to represent him. It took me 4 lawyers to find the one.

Assume he is already with OW - if not today then very soon.

Start looking for and copying all the paperwork you can find.

Open a new bank account online away from your usual bank and put in as much money as you can. Move any child benefit payments etc to it. You can also transfer half the contents of joint accounts but that will give the game away so the timing needs to be carefully done.

Make sure you have a clean email address that he does not know about or have access to via other devices.

Assuming you've a smartphone download Evernote and an app like Scannable which will scan documents using your phone straight into Evernote. Evernote is accessible from everywhere and syncs automatically. (You might need to upgrade it but I think it's good value for money.)

Mortgages

Bank statements (back as far as the business sale if possible)

Passports

Investments

Car, bike, boat, racehorse etc big purchases

Pension statements

And anything else you can think of.

Any receipts for dodgy purchases - so not for you or kids

Then write a time line of what you know.

So married in x

House bought in x

DC1 in x

Sold business in x

This helps the lawyers and is useful for you in working it all out.

Leaving is going to be very simple for him because he already has a plan. His nest is probably already feathered. Good luck and do as much as you can as soon as you can. Save the timeline for when your brain is whirring at night, so you can keep adding things.

@HappyHedgehog247 thanks for putting all the advice together in a list, I like lists! They help me keep organised!