He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

[Juells]

Tell him to fuck off with expressing milk so he can have the baby! What are you, a cow?

Harsh but true

[Changingoftheguard]

It still hurts, i hate the thought of breaking up the family but i remember that i didn't choose this and neither did you.

It boggles my mind how they can just leave their family. I wouldn't expect someone to stay in an unhappy relationship and be miserable but I have to remember that not too long ago, we BOTH chose and wanted another baby and you have to remember that too.

It is definitely getting easier but mine are too young to understand, your ex is being a coward and it shouldn't be left to you to tell the older child, he chose this he needs to face his responsibilities. I know as we want to make it as painless as possible for the dc but he can't leave it to you, his actions have consequences

I really hope you have a better night with the baby, someone once quoted Churchill on a thread I started regarding my situation... when your going through hell, keep going.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@Myimaginarycathasfleas hahahaha! I do feel like a cow at the moment!

[Snowysky20009]

Sorry you are going through this.

Just remember to always keep the children's feelings in your mind first. Think if I was 5, what would I want to hear. Even if you are telling them BS 'mummy and daddy decided it would be better that we don't live with each other so we don't get annoyed and angry with each other' kids don't need to know when they are little the ins and outs and who's fault it was. They just want to know that mummy and Daddy and themselves and sibling are going to be ok.

One thing that stood out from your posts when reading- did he really phone his cousin and is he staying there?

What you are going through is tough. But each day will get a little It easier. X

[FatherMackenzie]

Sorry to hear he is being such a fucking idiot .

Yes, I’d say he’s probably had his head turned and this is him extracting himself so he can start a relationship with OW.

I’ve seen this happen to a couple I know irl quite recently and it sounds really similar. Friendship with a woman at work, then lots of flirty texts, accusations of wife being controlling, husband feeling very torn and depressed by it all blah blah. It all started shortly after they had dc2 as well. They’re all doing ok now fwiw and yes, he’s shacked up with the ‘friend’ from work. It seems to be such a common scenario. I honestly look at my own Dh differently after seeing how much this happens on MN and also from rl.

You do not have to express so he can have the baby all day. He is being ridiculous to suggest it. Also agree with the good advice you’ve had on here to keep things as formal as possible. He should not just be showing up at YOUR home. It’s not his home anymore.

You did nothing wrong here. He did. He is the one leaving and I’d put money on why.

So sorry again .

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

What an absolute shit.

So he basically strings you along for the better part of a year, including while you’re pregnant, then swans off with a ‘I’ll see the kids tomorrow, no the day after, no better make it the weekend’, tells you you’re not the victim and then expresses sadness at what ‘we’re putting them through’?!

What an absolute prince of a man.

I would be tempted to send a text basically saying you’re not taking any responsibility for his decision to leave and yes you will tell your child and also family and friends as quite frankly you need the support.

I am fuming on your behalf OP I’m so sorry.

[FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar]

God this is awful.
Please never take him back.
Get legal advice asap.
Let the OW have the wooden spoon.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@Changingoftheguard Oh, I forgot to say that apparently he has been "confused" for a very long time as I've been "controlling" him throughout our marriage. I just don't understand how we both decided to have another child and everything seemed normal when I got pregnant, but all of a sudden, he's been feeling this way all along but never said anything!!

[FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar]

Read The Script.

[Missingstreetlife]

You can clear the bank account, either of you can. Obvs choose your time but don't let him get there first. Unless you need the break I wouldn't let him have the baby, who needs to be with you. He clearly thinks you are going to roll over and be doing everything he wants. Let him have a nasty shock.
You could block him till he makes proper arrangements with you about money, children etc. Look at mediation, solicitor will tell you this comes before court. That will bring it home to him. Look after yourself

[WhatIsHappiness]

@FatherMackenzie I've never realised how common it was! Apparently he thought that having another child would make him happier and less confused. He forgot to share it with me before I got pregnant though!!

[Gemini69]

He's absolutely having a 'Trial Run' at leaving permanently.... he likely believe's he's softening the blow by leaving bit by bit so everyone's adjusted by the time he actually leaves permanently.. the back and forth texting is his mind playing 'overtime' wondering how everyone is reacting... and hoping it's not too bad and this is the worst of it over...

He's a nasty git OP.. I wouldn't even be responding to his texts...

[FatherMackenzie]

So common op, but that makes it no less shit if you’re going through it .

Honestly, I think all women, (and men too, although it seems to be more frequently that men are the ones having the affairs in my limited experience), have to be prepared for the fact it could happen in pretty much any marriage.

Glad he had good reasons for wanting a second child then . The utter twunt.

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

I agree with cath2907.

He has left so he doesn’t get to tell you what to do anymore. Tell him it’s in the DCs best interest that he has a set time to visit them as they need consistency. He can only take the older child out as the baby is still ebf. He can see the baby when he collects and drops off the older child.

Get legal advice about divorcing him because you can’t stay married to such an arsehole. You deserve so much better

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

I suggest that you block his text messages and tell him to communicate by email once you start divorce proceedings. He sounds the type to get nasty once you stand up to him.

[gendercritter]

So sorry OP.

I think there is great potential here for him to muck you around for months to years, depending on how any ow treats him. I think it's very easy for outsiders to give advice and it's much harder to implement it given how expensive life is and the history you have together etc. But I really think you taking charge now will help you in the long run.

He's had 6 months to have his crisis. That's a luxury. He's messed you around at a very vulnerable stage of your life. You can either say no more and get all the unpleasantness of a divorce out the way now (but then be free to find some happiness) or leave yourself open to a lot of unhappiness and uncertainty. He isn't worth it. He is a wazzock.

[Bramble71]

I think I remember your posts about the woman he became close with at work. I'm so sorry about what this vain and selfish man has put you and your kids through.

Everything in this sad situation has been at his behest, yet he's trying to make it all your fault. Don't let him do that, take back the initiative and get in control. It's all about you and the children now.

See a solicitor ASAP to start proceedings.
Tell him he isn't welcome back and you will be starting divorce proceedings.
Protect yourself and the kids by opening a bank account and putting in half of whatever is in your joint account, if you have one.
He's already messing you and the kids about by keeping on putting back the days he will come to see them (what an absolutely barsteward to do that to his own kids) so tell him no, he can't have the baby all day as you can't express enough milk. God, what a pig he is to expect that of you for him, when he'll probably call to cancel anyway if his recent behaviour is anything to go by.
Change the locks, or at least add an additional one; give him an excuse for having needed to change them and delay getting him the key.
If I were you, I'd put in on bloody Facebook that he'd left. Tell anyone that you feel you need to.
Look at a benefits calculator (there's one on Money Saving Expert and another called Turn2Us) and see if you'd be entitled to any help based on your own circumstances, exclude him and his income entirely from the calculation.
Open a case for child maintenance with whatever the Child Support Agency is called nowadays.

Sending you very best wishes for the future, OP. Things are awful now, I'm sure, but I'm sure that not having that unsettling man around will make things calmer and happier in the long run.

[Movablefeast]

Definitely tell anyone you want he left and don't cover for him.

He is already rewriting history by trying to claim you are "controlling". Just make clear to everyone that although it is not what you want you in no way prevented him from leaving.

I would tell the school (in confidence) that he left and tell mutual friends to prevent him controlling the narrative. I agree with the ex-FIL about the "empty bed" comment. In my experience, and I am 49, I have never known of a man to leave his family who doesn't have someone lined up. Not saying it doesn't happen but I think it is rare compared to the majority who have a sexual partner lined up.

No matter how bad things are, men generally see sex as so important that they will stay where they know they can get sex until they are confident they have another sex partner.

Protect yourself and don't agree to any of the stories and narrative he wants to tell people to protect his reputation and ego. Keep copies of all texts and emails so he can't gaslight you later.

[Movablefeast]

So sorry this is happening and that it sounds like he is lying to you and others.

[AlmostAJillSandwich]

Yeah, every guy i have EVER known who is in a relationship but wants to go on a "break" has got another female he wants to sleep with.

It's basically putting a hold on the relationship, he wants to pick up where it left and carry on, but wants to have sex with someone else first.

I had one "friend" who was about 19/20, he got his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant, she had his baby, and their relationship was so on and off, every time he met a girl he liked, he'd cause an argument with her, go on a "break" and sleep around, even if he wanted to go on a night out and meet a random one night stand, rolled out the forced argument. Poor girl was so desperate to have her babys dad around she'd keep taking him back and was a paranoid wreck around every girl he met. So much so she hated me being in his gaming group (i was the only female in a group of about 10 guys, it was all online, never had and never would meet any of them, and categorically was NOT in to him) and i ended up getting kicked out because of her not liking it.

All of them sneak about, try to hide the sex with the other woman/women, and if/when their long term partner finds out, they get it screamed at them how it wasn't cheating as "We were on a break!" Like she can't be angry, sad, jealous, feel betrayed or anything else negative as "technically" they weren't in a relationship at the time and he was single to do as he liked.

[Isawthelight]

Oh, I forgot to say that apparently he has been "confused" for a very long time as I've been "controlling" him throughout our marriage. I just don't understand how we both decided to have another child and everything seemed normal when I got pregnant, but all of a sudden, he's been feeling this way all along but never said anything!!

This is textbook when there's an OW. My ex asked us to try for another baby, within 2 months he was gone with OW. I wasn't pregnant thank god. Then he said 'he'd been unhappy for ages'. It's all bullshit. They have to try and convince themselves that it was our faults and we are 'controlling' or 'hard to live with' because otherwise, that would make them horrible bastards and they're not going to admit to that are they?

[Ohmydayslove]

Agree with expat on page 1

Take back the control op. He’s a massive knob who doesn’t deserve you, any of you.

Get legal advice

[Changingoftheguard]

I know I keep saying it but I genuinely cant believe how similar the situation is, maybe they just use the same pathetic excuse.

I asked him this in the beginning, why have another child, there's things we had recently committed to which are long term commitments, having a child being the most obvious! He said he thought what he was feeling was normal then realised over time it wasn't.

Don't know if that's the truth or again another excuse.

Know this though, you will honestly start feeling better. Its been slightly longer for me but I can actually see the light, even if its just a glimmer, I am starting to feel positive again. I just remember and look at my dc and I will make sure we all come out of this. They may not have parents who are together but they are loved, cared for and I will always put them first.

We deserve better than being treat this way, we are not just anyone, we are the mother of their children.

I want to make a conscious effort not to turn bitter, I'm trying to be strong and do what is genuinely best for the children but also not letting him control everything in the process. Its hard because sometimes I ask myself if I'm doing the right thing but I never thought I would be in this situation so I'm doing what I think is best but I'm never 100%.

Keep talking it might help you feel better. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry, hurt, confused but we just have to always remember that we didn't do this.

[FatherMackenzie]

You sound awesome @changing .

Wonder if you’re the wife I know irl who this happened to recently. She’s awesome too!

[Figgygal]

He really is a piece of shit isn't he!!

Definitely take back control by telling him he's not allowed back and yes yes yes to restricting access to your baby who is completely dependent on you if BF.