He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

[WhatIsHappiness]

@Changingoftheguard oh goodness! Your DC are so little! I suppose it makes it harder for you, as you have to look after both. I have one older DC which is independent (has shower on his own, entertains himself, etc), but then I need to try and hide his dad's whereabouts!
How has it been since he left?

[WoodforTrees]

Everything everyone else said. His head has been turned by this OW and whether it's currently an emotional or physical affair, he has left because he wants a guilt free physical relationship with her. In his head, by leaving you, he is no longer cheating.

He is abandoning his family including his unborn child, because he's got a hard on for someone. Literally.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT

You are absolutely right not to protect his nice-man image. He is a cliche and a selfish twat who deserves all the contempt that will come his way.

It will not be easy, but you can do it. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@Wallywobbles I had no idea he couldn't see the lawyers I speak to. Great advice about the apps, thank you!

[NightAndShiningArmour]

Lol @ emotional wanking!!

I'm sure your DC will be fine - my SDCs were 4&5 when their parents separated - no suggestion that there was heartbreak. If your STBX has emotional tendencies, maybe it would be better to have a calmer, more factual chat with your DC?

From seeing the sad way that my own SDCs tiptoe and tread on eggshells around both their parents sometimes, I'd suggest to support your DC by making sure they don't feel guilty about spending time with their DF, or that they should take sides or anything.

[HildaZelda]

OP, if it's any consolation my SIL ( I still call her that, we still get on well and she gets on well with DH too) and her DS are very close now. She didn't have great family support (from her own family) and at the start it was very hard for her, but she coped and you will too.

I wouldn't bother telling your FIL to be honest. As another poster said, 'blood is thicker than water'. When BIL left his wife, our MIL (mine and his wife, same MIL) was a complete bitch towards her. Despite the fact that BIL left her for someone else, MIL turned the blame on her and said that she drove him too it! MIL can be a nasty piece of work anyway, but that's another thread entirely and I don't want to hijack yours.

Best of luck with everything x

[MumofBoysx2]

So sorry OP I know it's hard to think straight especially with a newborn too, but I would get an A4 diary straight away, keep all the texts and other communication, start recording events such as visits, things said etc. At some point they may be needed. And find a solicitor to get you the initial advice you need to get you through these early days while you decide what action to take. What a horrible time to be going through. I hope you have support from your family and friends to get through this.

[justilou1]

You need to take the blinders off and see him for what he is. A total coward. You can’t keep trying to talk yourself into loving and respecting him when he can so easily justify behaving like this towards you and your kids. Take the advice. Get a lawyer straight away. Do not let him feel he has the opportunity to grace your household with his presence again and that you will be grateful because he has “chosen” you. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!!! Be angry. Be hurt. Be all of the the things you need to be so you can be strong and present and get through this with dignity and all the resources you need for your kids. He’s had a lot of time to get himself organized. You need to hit him where it hurts and do it hard and unexpectedly - in the wallet. ASAP!

[Juells]

I keep saying this, but Oh how I wish I'd been on mumsnet when all the shit was flying around in my life. I'd have got good advice, rather than feeling I should keep working at a relationship that was absolutely toxic for me. Fine for him, as he had lots of drama, like the OP's husband is enjoying now, but very destructive to my self-esteem.

What a shock my ex got when I finally decided it was over, and turned into a bitch out of hell 😂 He'd been so used to me sympathising with him being 'torn' that it took a long time for him to adjust.

Once he's out of the house you need to protect your privacy, and point out that he can't wander in and out as if he still lived there. Pack up everything of his and leave it by the front door for him to take away next time he calls. He's moved out, so doesn't have free access to your space, any more than you can barge into where he lives. If he objects and says he's paying the mortgage, say that then you want reciprocal rights to just enter his flat as he'll have your children there and you need to inspect it. Start practicing being tough, you'll need it.

'Not an inch' became my motto.

[SpicedGingerTea]

OP I've been there. My ExH said he needed a break (well he cleared off without telling me), but said later on that he was living with a friend whilst he sorted himself out. Turned out 'friend' was the OW who he'd been having an affair with,......... He also said to me 'I need to know who you have told', as he he still wanted to control me and his version of events. I told everyone immediately, and it's the best thing you can do, as a PP mentioned you may need help in the upcoming days/weeks, so let everyone know what he has done.

I've read this and can relate to so much of it. As hard as it is, the best thing you can do is plan ahead and do not let him dictate what happens.

[Missingstreetlife]

What an absolute arse. Could easily have made arrangements to have a holiday at cousins (at a time convenient to you) not make all this bloody drama. He wants his cake and eat it. If you want to continue this marriage I would definitely be telling him to get home and sort things out or you will tell everyone what a tit he is. Obvs he is afraid of this, and they may talk some sense into him, what is the cousin thinking?
However maybe you don't want him back, if so it's a hard road but maybe better in the end. Don't let hm play with you, he's a child.

[Thebluedog]

Our DC are doing to well, I can't believe we are about to break their hearts

There’s no we about it! he is doing all this not ‘we’

Sorry you’re going through this OP

[WhatIsHappiness]

The baby has been very unsettled since last night. Usually he goes to be around 8pm and has a good sleep until midnight/1am, then feed and sleep every couple of hours until we leave for the school run.

Last night, the baby woke up every hour. I don't know if it's because he can feel something is going on (I'm very stressed and upset) or it's because my milk has changed because of the stress (I'm breastfeeding). DH asked me to express so he can have the DC on the weekend but I'm not having much luck expressing. I'm convinced it's because of the stress he is putting me through. The baby hasn't had formula and I'm not planning on giving it to the baby, so would it be unreasonable to say DH can't have the baby all day if I don't manage to express enough milk?

[Jaxhog]

Have you seen a counsellor? Make this a condition of continuation of the marriage. And he doesn't leave until you've tried this, and he takes a break from his 'girlfriend' until then. If he refuses, then sadly, your marriage is over.

It seems totally unreasonable for him to 'take a break' from your marriage like this. Especially as you have a child and one on the way. What does he want you to do? Sit around and wait for him to decide what's best for him? How about some thought about what YOU might want!

How utterly selfish!

[Jaxhog]

OOps sorry, missed that you have a new born, not a pregnancy. Which only makes it worse! So he's abandoned you at a time of your greatest need. What a hero.

[Juells]

Ridiculous to have a BF baby all day. Where is he planning to take the chidren? You're entitled to know where they'll be, who they'll be meeting, but it's out of the question for the baby anyway.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@TrickyTreeLou oh my goodness! I might need to check whether he is staying where he says he is! I'm sorry you also went through it.
How did your DC react to it?

[WhatIsHappiness]

@Missingstreetlife He was off last week during half-term, but decided to have a "break" this week. Apparently his cousin gave him some good advice!

[Tambien]

Nope, not unreasonable to say he can’t have the baby all day but only for a few hours between feeds.
As for expressing, yes of course it’s a possible solution. When you can express (you will need to increase your milk supply for a bit) and if you have time (not easy when you are in your own with a baby and a young child).
If you can’t/struggle, then your ex will have to make do until the baby can be left wo breast milk for longer periods.

[WhatIsHappiness]

@Juells ok, so I'm not BU as baby is BF and it was a joint family decision to exclusively BF.

[SheSellSeaShells]

wow how dare he say "we" in terms of breaking their hearts - what a fucking tosser. He left, not you.

Don't let him tell the older dc, he'll make up some wanky joint reason so you share the blame as well, you do it or do it together.

I'd pack all his stuff into bags and tell him its outside!! I wouldn't let him take your breast fed baby away all day either, baby needs mum when they're tiny.

And make sure you tell everyone what a dipshit he is before he starts peddling some emotional, poor old me, cock and bull crap around.....

[Justanothernameonthepage]

Op, in writing (so no denial later) tell him that as the stress is affecting your ability to express, you can't enable him having dB for the entire day, however, you're able to meet him X so that he can have some time with DB and you'll sit with friends so that once DB is hungry, you are there. But it can only be from n-n as you and the children have plans, but you are wanting to discuss 50/50 care responsibility once you're back in work with sharing drop off/pick ups. (It shows you aren't blocking access, are making reasonable arrangements, that you have a support network, that he can't control everything and that you are enabling him to spend time with DC but that he will have to step up).

[WhatIsHappiness]

He just text me:
"did you say anything to older DC?"
My reply:
"No he didn't even ask for you"
LOL!!
I bet he is devastated his DC didn't even notice he left!

[Cath2907]

Right my advice (for what it is worth):

1. Tell oldest child the truth in the least upsetting way possible. Make sure you don't promise what you can't deliver (Daddy's return in 2 or 3 weeks for example)
   
2. He can have the baby for 2 hours max as you need to feed.
   
3. He needs to take the kids out of the house on his time with them and you need a set schedule of visiting. You don't need to be messed around (and neither do the kids) with him coming and then going or not coming....
   
4. Don't tell his family - dignified silence and they'd only be on his side anyway. However you go ahead and tell school / your family / friends etc. as you need.
   
5. Get some legal advice and start collecting your information together to support a divorce (split bank accounts if you are joint, ring fence money, etc..) It is far easier to return it to him later if he you do decide to get back together than to extract it from him in 3 months once he has shacked up with someone else.
   
6. Be kind to yourself. He is being a twat and breaking your heart.

[Cath2907]

Oh and stop replying to his texts!

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

Tell him to fuck off with expressing milk so he can have the baby! What are you, a cow?