He left

[WhatIsHappiness]

I've NC but I posted before about DH being confused, wanted a break, etc. This has been going on for 6 months, during my pregnancy, and last night he left us.
He said he needs space to think about what he wants but we are not getting divorced.

AIBU to tell him that I don't want him back? He made it clear that he doesn't want to separate so what is the bloody point of having a break? I still can't understand how someone could simply leave his DC (newborn and one in junior school) just like that!

@just , yes women do do this too. Many women have left their families for an affair partner. The phrase “love is a drug” is used for a reason. The high one gets from “falling” for someone new is addictive and make both men and women do fucking stupid things.

OP - I’m so glad you’re taking control of the situation. Protect you and your children. You partner WILL realise his idiocy in time, but by then you WILL have moved on and found happiness elsewhere. X

@Sierra259
got cross when she sought legal advice to put financial arrangements in place, saying he'd probably have decided to move back in a few months

🤣 ohmigod it really is as if they're all following the same script, isn't it? As with my post above, where my ex complained that if I'd only been patient he'd have got over the infatuation with OW. 🤣

@GabriellaMontez My eldest doesn't know anything yet. Actually DC1 asked this morning for the first time: "where is dad?"
I replied: "I don't know. I didn't see him when I woke up. Maybe he went to the shops."
We then made waffles, had a lovely breakfast, got ready and are about to go out (I mean, when baby decides to finish feeding.. lol)

This is fresh in my head because of another ongoing thread but Gingerbread current stats;

25% UK familes are single parent.
90% of those single parents are women.
Of the 10% male single parents a much higher percentage are widowed than among female single parents.

Yeah I am sure women do occasionally leave their families but on the whole this fucked up disconnect belongs to men. I think society needs to be as judgemental of men refusing to parent as it is of women.

You got this OP, everything will be easier now you are 12 stone lighter.

@Justrunwithit It was actually a funny script to read! Haha. Maybe you are giving me ideas! 😂😂

And tell your dc, nothing to be gained from putting that off. There may be behavioural issues to deal with so get everyone on board to help. Children worry about change and look for ways to blame themselves so that is what you have to work around. Repeating that dc are good, did nothing to cause any of this and that you aren't going anywhere will help. Being a good elder sibling and helping mummy take care of the baby may be an approach to take if your dc is willing, then you can work that into your daily team pep talks. It is a tricky thing to deal with but putting it off could cause more problems making the child feel they have been deceived.

Matter of fact works best. Be prepared for odd and random questions.

ime dc have usually worked out what is going on and take the rest in their stride as long as they never hear parents talking each other down and don't get drawn into any sniping.

You can empty the joint account, nothing wrong in that, you will need money.

I have just read through this whole thread and as odd as it may sound @whatishsppiness I am so happy for you. To see how much empowerment you have gained from your first post until now truly is incredible. I know that you are going through the most difficult time of your life right now - and for that my heart breaks for you. But it’s clear that there is a very bright future ahead of you. I am so pleased you have so much support irl- and the knowledge you’ve been gifted here is astounding. Your children are so lucky to have you. Keep doing what you’re doing

Yes tell them. Matter a fact. Minimum details. Honest. Otherwise he may start to hear stuff from other adults. Or even other kids. Sounds like he may have an idea already...

Of course women do it too. But they don't tend to do it soon after having a baby. And when they do do it, they don't tend to be so obnoxiously ENTITLED about it, whinging because everyone didn't facilitate it to their own best advantage or constantly act as though they are the tragic heroine in the story and nobody else matters.

Why didn't you tell him? It was the perfect time, when he asked where his dad was. You're going to have to do it in the next day or so anyway, in case he hears from someone else.

I'm exhausted, we've been out all day, but it's been a good weekend.
I think I should speak to eldest DC with DH as DC will probably be very upset. It will be done in a couple of days when DH is having them.

Just in case the replies dry up I just wanted to reiterate how strong you’re being and to just add to the voices in case your tiredness from the weekend leads you to dwell on things too much. I am in awe of your courage and am confident in the inevitable regret he’s probably already feeling with how hes behaved and what he’s done. If the same happened to me I’d like to think I could be as strong as you are being.

Glad you've had a good weekend.
Mine were much younger 3.5 & 4 months, but may I suggest that given ex's habit of re-writing history that telling your ds and then him going straight to ex's for a couple of days might not be the best idea. You won't be there to help him after or know what he is being told.
Telling him together if you can present a United front for ds and have a consistent message is a good idea but you should probably try to agree this with ex in advance if possible. Could you tell him together, let him stay with you for a few days and then go to ex's??

Also thinking the same as Muddling...

I used to work with 5-11 year olds. When things like this were happening at home they'd often come in outwardly fine and then start talking to us about their worries and describe things to us that their parents thought they'd "protected" them from. Invariably they would be blaming themselves. That's just how children understand the world in the absence of anybody telling them otherwise.

Think carefully about telling DS jointly with ExDH, it might not be a good idea. If you were on the same page and relatively amicable then it could be a positive thing. But, in your case, it might backfire nastily. Can you rely on ExDH to put child first? Or will he deny, self-justify, and be utterly selfish..?

Tell your DS yourself, and tell him the truth. "Daddy wants to live on his own for a while".

Not "Mummy and Daddy aren't getting on and it's best for Daddy to move out". There will be great efforts made by him to shift the blame onto you, so cut him off at the pass.

Agreed do the telling on your own and keep dcs with you for a while after, the trick is to not rock their boat in any other way. Seriously consider overnight visits before the dust settles, little ones need their stability.

My 5yo needed to hear that home is the same, mummy is here and not leaving. Mummy will always be here and that will never change. Daddy lives somewhere else now.

When asked why I said I don't know but that is how it is now and it is ok to feel sad but we will be ok.

Tbf I said little about visits because predictably ex is a shit and right enough he let dc down on visits repeatedly until I stopped mentioning in advance at all. Watch out for that one. Hopefully your co-parent will co-parent, don't take it as a given though.

Remind any one involved that children are not mature therefore totally self centric and designed to find ways to blame themselves for negative events - this must be anticipated and allowed for as much as possible.

So negative facts to an absolute simple minimum, no fuzziness, all truth and always reinforcing the why not being about the child or as a result of the child's actions.

Children don't dwell the way adults do but they jump in and out of negative emotion so odd questions and thoughts pop out at odd times and you have to be ready to catch them, let them be sad or angry or confused, and then move on. Follow their cues.

Also be prepared for the fact that if there is an OW involved he'll be trying to have her present every time he has the children. Men seem to have some kind of mania about that, they're determined that the OW must be there every single time instead of trying to get the children used to seeing him on his own 😡

Bastards.

Women definitely cheat and walk out too - my ex was cheated on by his gf before me for instance

But you are doing so wonderfully OP and you're so strong - I would crumble at everything you're facing! Sending

"Women definitely cheat and walk out too" - but way less than 10% leave man holding baby and that's a minority by anyone's standards!

My ex tells people I am a cheat (and lots else) by the way, it's a lie of course.

Yes, it is mainly men who do it and in the worst ways too! Most women have more sense for sure