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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby shower - children not welcome

212 replies

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:30

Have been invited to a friends baby shower. Its being organised by her sister but friend has said how she wants everything.

Not really keen on baby showers myself but do want to support her, I said yes I could come to the date proposed (group chat) but would have DC2 with me (a toddler), this was met with silence from friend and her sister saying glad I could make it but it wasn't child friendly and could I get a baby sitter.

I am a single parent so can't just leave DC at home, and childcare options are limited due to no family local. DC1 is older and so can stay with a friend who has DC the same age but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her to have DC2 aswell due to the age and various extra needs compared to school aged child.

Would I be unreasonable to say I can't make it? Or should I just turn up with DC? Only slightly over aged one so not likely to make any difference to anyone else but me imo.

OP posts:

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 17/03/2018 11:32

Of course, if you can't make it due to childcare problems that's perfectly reasonable.

PotteringAlong · 17/03/2018 11:33

they’ve told you it’s not child friendly. You would be very unreasonable to turn up with your child now. Just decline the invite.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/03/2018 11:33

"Of course, if you can't make it due to childcare problems that's perfectly reasonable"

This ^^

BarryTheKestrel · 17/03/2018 11:34

I wouldn't just turn up with a child who clearly isn't wanted there. I wouldn't go if I didn't have childcare. It's not fair on anyone to take your DC when you've been told they aren't welcome.

bridgetreilly · 17/03/2018 11:34

You can't take your child, but if that means you can't go, then don't go. That's perfectly reasonable.

Bobbiepin · 17/03/2018 11:35

"Very sorry, I would love to be there but I have no other childcare options. I've gone to a lot of effort to make sure DC1 is looked after but I can't with DC2. Maybe we can do coffee or something another time?"

Also watch the TED talk about Giving No Fucks. Chances are she'll fuss about it until she's had the baby, when she'll forget about it. Eventually she'll understand.

Original poster

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:36

Not to be goady or anything but what is the actual issue with children at baby showers?

I haven't been to many as it isn't that popular in our area but I thought it was a celebration of the baby and games? Does a small child pose any actual issues? Its not like a hen party or something that would be inappropriate to take a child too but babies/toddlers surely are only adding any problems to their mum not being able to "relax"?

OP posts:

meditrina · 17/03/2018 11:36

Yes, if you cannot find childcare then the correct response is to decline the invitation.

This applies to any gathering to which your DC are not invited. And it is up to the hosts to decide the invitation list

Hadjab · 17/03/2018 11:37

The irony of a baby not being allowed to a baby shower is clearly lost on her!

Viviennemary · 17/03/2018 11:37

If you can't get a babysitter then you can't make it. Don't just turn up with your child. I can see why people do this. A whole bunch of yelling toddlers running around in a house creating havoc can be a bit of a nightmare.

RunMummyRun68 · 17/03/2018 11:37

I suppose a child there will take all the attention and focus will be lost?

Anyway.... you can't go..... imo you've had a lucky break with a ready made get out clause!

MissMooMoo · 17/03/2018 11:38

Just decline the invite,not a big deal.

Original poster

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:38

This is her second DC, so she does kind of understand various child related issues as opposed to a pregnant first time mum, but she has a DH who is around evenings and weekends so largely it wouldn't be an issue for her to attend things without her DC but its always a stress for me to organise childcare.

OP posts:

meditrina · 17/03/2018 11:38

X-post

what is the actual issue with children at baby showers?

This issue with this particular party is that they do not want children there. There's no uniform rule for showers, just as there isn't for other parties. It's entirely a matter for the host of the specific occasion. And your DC is not invited.

sirlee66 · 17/03/2018 11:40

One baby shower I attended had a 'guess if the face is porn or labour' game. Not really child appropriate...

SoupDragon · 17/03/2018 11:42

A baby shower is an adult social gathering. That’s how I’ve always seen them anyway. Having a child there is going to affect everyone, not just the mother. It changes the feel of an event and the child will be wanting attention etc which is intrinsically in an adult gathering.

Just turn the invitation down.

Isadora666 · 17/03/2018 11:44

It's hard as a single parent OP, particularly if the other parent doesn't see their child at all. I was a totally lone parent for nine years and had to turn down a lot of invitations because I couldn't get a sitter but that's just the way it is. It doesn't mean every social event has to accommodate children.

FluffyMcCloud · 17/03/2018 11:44

I would just say you can't make it. I've never known anyone have a baby shower for a second baby!

Astrid2 · 17/03/2018 11:47

My friends all have babies/kids of ranging ages and were all at my baby shower lunch! Didn't make a bit of difference, I love the kids as much as I love my friends! But if your friend has decided no children then that needs to be respected.

Glumglowworm · 17/03/2018 11:48

You can’t just turn up with a child after being told no children allowed! That’s CF territory.

If you can’t get childcare then unfortunately you need to decline the invitation.

Babyplaymat · 17/03/2018 11:49

Baby showers are always adult affairs aren't they?

Besides, it isn't up to you to decide if it is appropriate.

Cleanermaidcook · 17/03/2018 11:52

You would be very unreasonable to just turn up with a child who is clearly not invited.
It doesn't matter why she doesn't want children there its her choice.
You just need to turn down the invite.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/03/2018 11:59

Of course you can say you can't go; of course you can't just turn up with a toddler when you've already been told not to.

The only baby shower I've ever been to was an afternoon tea where everyone sat and chatted. To be honest, while I'm sure we'd have made the best of it, a toddler would have been a bit of a nightmare - it would have been intensely boring for them and either their mother or one of the other guests would have had to constantly entertain them.

OneStepSideways · 17/03/2018 12:02

I would only take my toddler to a baby shower if it was very child friendly and there would be other children there.

Most of the showers I've been to were in fancy hotels/spas, not child friendly at all. Ones I've been to with children present seem to dissolve into a kids party. If the mum to be doesn't have older kids why would she want other people's there?

RoadToRivendell · 17/03/2018 12:06

Just decline. What's the problem?

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