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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - children not welcome

212 replies

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:30

Have been invited to a friends baby shower. Its being organised by her sister but friend has said how she wants everything.

Not really keen on baby showers myself but do want to support her, I said yes I could come to the date proposed (group chat) but would have DC2 with me (a toddler), this was met with silence from friend and her sister saying glad I could make it but it wasn't child friendly and could I get a baby sitter.

I am a single parent so can't just leave DC at home, and childcare options are limited due to no family local. DC1 is older and so can stay with a friend who has DC the same age but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her to have DC2 aswell due to the age and various extra needs compared to school aged child.

Would I be unreasonable to say I can't make it? Or should I just turn up with DC? Only slightly over aged one so not likely to make any difference to anyone else but me imo.

OP posts:
sinceyouask · 18/03/2018 08:49

I think it's fair enough to have an event at which children are not welcome and fair enough for people who can't get or don't want to get childcare to not attend. Those invited can't complain about the 'rules', those inviting can't complain about the consequences of them.

whiteroseredrose · 18/03/2018 08:52

You've done the right thing and ignore the tension. If you insist anything be child free then you have to accept that some friends won't be able to come.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 18/03/2018 08:53

Sounds to me you have the perfect excuse not to go.

Original poster
vanessa6734 · 18/03/2018 08:55

I'm just hoping it doesn't cause any issues between the friend and I. She is present in the group chat but hasn't said anything and I don't want to approach her to apologise as it might be misconstrued as me asking her to bring DD, like if I text and say I'm so sorry I can't make it, and she knows why she might feel pressured to say bring her if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ponyprincess · 18/03/2018 09:22

You don't have to spell out the reason but if you feel you do you could.suggest a separate meet up so she does not feel.pressured to invite your dc when they are not.wanted? It really is up to her

SpringHen · 18/03/2018 10:08

and I don't want to approach her to apologise as it might be misconstrued as me asking her to bring DD,

Oh god it's not hard: "Im really sorry but I wont be able to make it. Hope you have a lovely day, take lots of pics looking forward to seeing them" end of

If you dont want your lack of childcare brought up then DONT MENTION IT. Easy. Stop making this all about you even when youre not going. A simple "no I cant but hope you have a lovely day" will suffice and reduce the drama that you seem determined to drag out..

BlondeB83 · 18/03/2018 10:10

Just don’t go. How bizarre! I hate baby showers but find that rule baffling!

SpringHen · 18/03/2018 10:15

If you do the attention seeking type of decline:
"Oh I wish I could BUT (excuse)"
People sometimes believe that you actually want to problem solve your excuse & try to help.

But I think maybe you know this....

LockedOutOfMN · 18/03/2018 17:50

I don't see why an event celebrating a new baby needs to exclude other new mums

It doesn't, you just get a babysitter, or the baby's DF to look after them while you go. It's not your celebration so you don't get to make the rules.

NemosMum21 · 18/03/2018 18:01

Yet another grasping American idea. She's already got stuff if this is not her first baby. Make an excuse and don't go.

FaveNumberIs2 · 18/03/2018 18:04

Just don’t go.

Send your apologies and perhaps a card then see her privately a week later if you wanted to give her a gift.

I know people having parties can’t please all their guests, so they have to please themselves. So if you can’t stick to the brief, don’t go. In your situation, I wouldn’t go neither.

manicmij · 18/03/2018 19:26

These are like a low alcohol intake hen do at least the ones I have subjected myself to . Give the present, that's all most mums to be who have these events want anyway. Offer apologies 're childcare everyone should understand.

ktp100 · 18/03/2018 19:28

Who leaves their kids with 'ANYONE'?!

takingsmallsteps · 18/03/2018 19:33

Are they making the baby at the baby shower? What's so child unfriendly about it? I would decline the invite, shame but their rules I guess.

greendale17 · 18/03/2018 19:34

A baby shower is an adult social gathering. That’s how I’ve always seen them anyway. Having a child there is going to affect everyone, not just the mother. It changes the feel of an event

^This 100%. I wouldn’t dream of taking my DS

LeighaJ · 18/03/2018 19:36

"vanessa6734

Not to be goady or anything but what is the actual issue with children at baby showers?"

Small children and babies tend to steal the show by just being themselves or by crying or by trying to unwrap all the presents that aren't theirs...but look like they "should" be if things like toys.

The games aren't ones that most kids would find fun and a lot of what they'd need to do is sit still, quietly, focused on one adult...which many kids aren't good at.

I've been to loads of showers but very few had children or babies at them.

DuckBilledAardvark · 18/03/2018 19:37

Not to be goady or anything but what is the actual issue with children at baby showers

If I'm making an effort to escape my own children I don't want others foist upon me.

Also see: Children at hen parties

SuspiciouslyMinded · 18/03/2018 19:37

what is the actual issue with children at baby showers?

Maybe they are planning to have a massive, gory vagina cake?

Or make lots of baby-making sex jokes?

Or maybe mum-to-be wants to enjoy her last carefree baby-free days without, well, babies and kids around?

Could think of lots of other reasons.

It’s absolutely reasonable to decline an invitation to a adult only party or even a wedding if you can’t make it because of lack of childcare. In fact, it’s the only option in this situation, and one that most parents have to resort to on a regular basis. I am able to go to about 20% of parties and events I get invited to for that very reason.

Nobody sane will hold it against you if you can’t go out because you have no childcare available. If they do, they are too self-obsessed to be worth hanging out with anyway.

Studentwife · 18/03/2018 20:08

I am arranging a shower for my daughter in a couple of months. We have decided on NO children for the afternoon. This is mainly because we have been invited 30 of her friends/work colleagues and each has at least one child, some have two or three and one girl has four😱.
Seriously can you imagine in they all brought their kids? If they each had one that would be 30 kids (in fact it’s nearer to 60 in this case) so the extra catering would be huge let alone the chaos they would all create! This day is about my daughter and her baby and really isn’t a party for children.

Original poster
vanessa6734 · 18/03/2018 21:37

studentwife

Of 30 people invited its really really unlikely they would all bring children??

I do understand its not very fun for childreb and obviously less fun for the mum having to bring a child but really theyd only do so if no other option but to say no children just seems a bit cruel and the whole being about "mum and her baby" seems a little bit precious imo, having a whole celebration of the pregnancy and baby makes it about the mum enough without worrying any potential limelight will be lost by having another baby or toddler.

OP posts:
SpringHen · 18/03/2018 21:43

Oh FGS as many people said its not about the "limelight" its about kids and babies totally changing the dynamics/atmosphere/vibe of an event. And they DO.

The MTB will be up to her ears in playdates etc again soon and is having a "last" adult affair before the next stage if her life.

Trills · 18/03/2018 21:47

what is the actual issue with children at baby showers

Any gathering that is all adults will be changed by the presence of even one toddler.

It doesn't matter where it is, or what activities are planned, a single child changes it.

SharronNeedles · 18/03/2018 22:17

It doesn't matter if you agree or understand the reasons why your DC isn't invited. Stop dissecting this and accept it for what it is.

Awhoosh · 19/03/2018 00:28

Not keen on bang showers personally. But can see you wanted to go and support your friend.

as for it being an adult occasion, as some have said, that really is ironic. When you have children, babysitting can be a big deal and few&afar between, so you want to use it for things that really NEED to be children free.

Particularly if the pregnant woman has a child - presumably that one is barred too. Weird.

Awhoosh · 19/03/2018 00:28

Oops baby showers, obviously