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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - children not welcome

212 replies

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:30

Have been invited to a friends baby shower. Its being organised by her sister but friend has said how she wants everything.

Not really keen on baby showers myself but do want to support her, I said yes I could come to the date proposed (group chat) but would have DC2 with me (a toddler), this was met with silence from friend and her sister saying glad I could make it but it wasn't child friendly and could I get a baby sitter.

I am a single parent so can't just leave DC at home, and childcare options are limited due to no family local. DC1 is older and so can stay with a friend who has DC the same age but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her to have DC2 aswell due to the age and various extra needs compared to school aged child.

Would I be unreasonable to say I can't make it? Or should I just turn up with DC? Only slightly over aged one so not likely to make any difference to anyone else but me imo.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2018 02:29

I have only been to 2 baby showers - neither of them had children at them. The first one was for a 5th baby, because the mum had never had a baby shower before and because she had split from the father during the pregnancy (I think this latter reason was the real one).
Not appropriate for children to be there, quite honestly, especially very small ones who need watching all the time.
The other one was a church ladies' group - less raucous but still not appropriate for small children to be there because no one can relax the same when there is even one small child around.

emmyrose2000 · 19/03/2018 02:41

The baby shower part of it is almost a red herring. The bottom line is that there is a social gathering to which your child is not not invited, end of story. It would be beyond rude to turn up with an unwanted and uninvited guest.

It doesn't matter if it's a baby shower, wedding, 50th birthday party, 10th birthday party, 1st birthday party, bar mitzvah, retirement party, girls night in, whatever - only the person named on the invitation is entitled to attend, regardless of what anyone may think.

SilverBirchTree · 19/03/2018 03:30

Also you’re saying ‘but it’s only one toddler’ but if you’re allowed to bring your child, then they’d have to allow every parent invitee to do the same... and then it’s a nursery worth and the whole event is completely different in nature.

When you’re a parent, sometimes you have to sit things out. This is one of those times.

Also baby showers are awful, so yay for having an excuse not to go.

KoshaMangsho · 19/03/2018 03:50

A 13 month old is not a distraction? You are having a laugh. As the mother of two including a 13 month old they are a pain. They don’t sit still. They need constant attention, they dont just sit on a lap or play with a toy. I get that you want to go. But you can’t. Not with a child. The WHY your child isn’t invited doesn’t matter.

I had a birthday party for my 6 year old and said no siblings. Now someone could have turned up with their 13 month old and said: oh she’ll sit in a corner and eat a biscuit. But no she won’t. But also I said no siblings. Why I said it doesn’t matter.

Whether you like baby showers or not doesn’t matter. Whether it’s the first baby or not it doesn’t matter. Whether she has a dh to enable her to have a social life doesn’t matter.

It’s a Child free event. You cannot be Child free during the duration of the event. Therefore you cannot attend. I don’t understand why you simply won’t decline?!

RebeccaCloud9 · 19/03/2018 03:54

Just re baby showers being grabby, I've had 2 - one for each child. I've also been to maybe 3 or 4 friends' showers. Every single one has been specifically gift free. Just an excuse for a get together with friends before the baby arrives. All have been lovely and not at all grabby.

Also They have all been child free apart from the odd newborn. Which is lovely as we rarely get to have a party without DCs these days.

Like many pps have said, why should it be one rule for you, a different one for everyone else? If everyone brought their dcs, the event would be very different.

TIRFandProud · 19/03/2018 03:58

I think it would be incredibly rude to take a child to an event where they aren't wanted. What the event is is immaterial.

Having children at things changes the dynamic. You have to watch what you say and do.

If you can't go then you can't go.

Nakedavenger74 · 19/03/2018 04:05

It's a gathering of adult women to celebrate a key event in the life of their friend/family member. A toddler in the midst of this is either getting underfoot, fingering stuff or doing stuff that is bloody distracting. I'm speaking from recent experience. Friend had a no gifts baby shower and her cousin brought along a toddler unannounced.
We all had to coo and giggle when said child interrupted conversations and brought offerings to guests to the extent that at one point everyone was just watching the bloody kid in silence as he threw stuff around and yelled
Everyone minded their language. Dull.
Cupcakes hand made by a guest were poked at,chewed once and wasted
Cousin dominated the convo with tales of the kid's antics and growing up and what the host had to look forward to
Thankfully they buggered off fairly quickly but not before ruining a nice get together

Don't bring the kid.

Fleshmechanic · 19/03/2018 04:34

Since when are baby showers only for adults, it's not as if she can drink or anything... All the ones I've been to have been very family orientated and most people already had children and brought them. I think it's so weird to not want children at something that's literally celebrating having one. I'd just decline and offer to meet up separately with your children so you can drop off a gift and see them then, they should expect that kind of response from most parents tbh.

Birdsgottafly · 19/03/2018 04:38

You are very much in the baby stage of your life, understandable and you've accepted that you don't get free time because of your circumstances.

In a few years, you may once again love getting an excuse to get your children minded for a Day/Night of Adult only company. Which is were the other guests are at.

I was Widowed and didn't have anyone to babysit, when mine were under eight. Once I did, I didn't like other children being around when I had child-free time, they do change the dynamics. Dressing up then having to indulge grubby little fingers etc is a pain.

I have to keep reminding my DD that i'm not as fascinated by my GC toilet habits as she is and whilst I will do nappy's, I don't want conversations about them, or to even see them, if possible.

dkb15164 · 19/03/2018 05:20

Decline the invitation - once your friend has the baby and tries to source babysitting for her own child for such an event she'll realise how difficult she was being. Leave her to it for now, she sounds ignorant and doesn't yet understand the complicated nature of finding decent childcare for young children. My baby shower had babies age 12 months through to kids age 14.

dkb15164 · 19/03/2018 05:34

Decline the invitation - once your friend has had the baby and tries to source babysitting for her own child for such an event she'll realise how difficult she was being. Maybe send a gift. Leave her to it for now, she sounds like she's in her first time mum bubble and doesn't yet understand the complicated nature of finding decent childcare for young children for small events, the baby shower will probably also feature all the cute designer white clothes the mums 100% sure the baby will totally not shit all over after 2 minutes wearing and the crap white noise "instantaneous sleep" machines. My baby shower (first baby) had babies age 12 months through to kids age 14 and we had mocktails and games and generally had a laugh. A few of the husbands came over for a beer and took the kids for a play in the garden for an hour or 2 so we could get a little adult time.

dkb15164 · 19/03/2018 05:37

Sorry my Mumsnet app seems to be having issues, didn't show your later messages saying it was her second child and the first message claimed not to have gone through Blush oh well.

KERALA1 · 19/03/2018 06:29

So because some women struggle with childcare the rest of us cannot have childfree gatherings for what say 10 years? Sod that. Are the fathers bringing labour intensive babies and small children to all their social events? No. Thought not.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 19/03/2018 06:41

Well said Kerala! It's extremely entitled and selfish to expect to bring your dc to a child free gathering. I'm Shock that people even ask this question. The world does not revolve around your child.

FrancisCrawford · 19/03/2018 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllieMe · 19/03/2018 07:02

Other people's children are annoying to a lot of people. The event has been planned around there not being a toddler there who will need to be supervised to stop her getting into everything that's been laid out. That doesn't make for a relaxing evening.

What's hard to understand about that?

Tinycitrus · 19/03/2018 07:07

Baby showers are utter nonsense anyway

speakout · 19/03/2018 07:08

It's a lucky break you have a valid excuse.

BertieBotts · 19/03/2018 07:13

I don't really understand what is so difficult about the concept of a child free party? Confused A baby shower is not something which (in the UK) has an established form, like a hen party or a toddler's birthday party, it's more like an adult's birthday party in that it can be a totally inclusive laid back child friendly lunchtime event or a very raunchy adults only evening alcohol filled event, or absolutely anything in between, and of course children may be explicitly welcome or not welcome. Okay so a baby shower is unlikely to be alcohol fuelled, but you get the idea.

A 13mo is not a babe in arms, they can walk or crawl and get into mischief, if you would like to keep her with you at all times, that's fine - but it does mean you are restricted in which events you can attend now she is getting older.

And of course the baby shower is all about the mum to be - it's not precious, it's literally the entire point Grin

troodiedoo · 19/03/2018 07:13

You have a perfect excuse not to go. Win win!

Do something nice with your friend just the two of you (or with your kids as well!)

KERALA1 · 19/03/2018 07:13

It's just an excuse for a get together? If you are friends with the other attendees it's going to be fun. Why all this "baby showers are awful?" Yes going to one full of people you don't really know or like would be awful, but a gathering of your mates, plus food and drink with no kids? Sounds suspiciously like fun to me - well we can't have that! Women should be on permanent childcare duty as everyone knows.

ShotsFired · 19/03/2018 07:23

@vanessa6734 I can see the vast majority think just turning up would be rude, don't really understand this opinion though, I don't want my baby "celebrated", just to be present.

Ah. So what it boils down to is that you just want your kid to be there full stop, not really any lack of comprehension about the whys of the mum-to-be not wanting children present.

You are straying towards pfb territory now. Everyone thinks their child is simply wonderful. Everyone also thinks that everyone else's child is a bit of a weirdo/annoying/not half as cute or funny as theirs.

Butterymuffin · 19/03/2018 07:30

Look, if they've said no kids and you don't have childcare, you have to say no - but they can't get snippy at you then for declining. Just keep repeating that you don't have childcare so won't be able to make it.

OliviaStabler · 19/03/2018 07:34

Your friend wants a child free baby shower. That is her choice.

You are unwilling to find a babysitter so therfore cannot attend. That is your choice.

KERALA1 · 19/03/2018 07:35

Oh dear hadn't realised op one of those mothers. Invites will dry up then no such dilemmas will be faced!