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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - children not welcome

212 replies

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:30

Have been invited to a friends baby shower. Its being organised by her sister but friend has said how she wants everything.

Not really keen on baby showers myself but do want to support her, I said yes I could come to the date proposed (group chat) but would have DC2 with me (a toddler), this was met with silence from friend and her sister saying glad I could make it but it wasn't child friendly and could I get a baby sitter.

I am a single parent so can't just leave DC at home, and childcare options are limited due to no family local. DC1 is older and so can stay with a friend who has DC the same age but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her to have DC2 aswell due to the age and various extra needs compared to school aged child.

Would I be unreasonable to say I can't make it? Or should I just turn up with DC? Only slightly over aged one so not likely to make any difference to anyone else but me imo.

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 17/03/2018 13:53

Most single parents acknowledge that just because they might have more difficulties in arranging childcare, some of their friends don't and would like a child free event. I think OP was right to say she would have DC with her - this shows awareness that children might not be taken as a given at this event.

Single parents might have more difficulties, but this doesn't mean all events have to include children. Those parents simply need to either arrange childcare (might be paid for or not) or decline. Lots of parents, where one partner is already doing something else will also face this choice - it's not just single parents.

There are some parents who cannot seem to see that having a child, even just one child, even just a baby, or even just their own perfectly behaved child DOES alter the nature of an event.

Agree though, that especially if short notice of event is given, hosts cannot feel put out if people have to decline due to childcare issues.

FrogFairy · 17/03/2018 13:58

Personally I would be overjoyed to use no child care as a reason to avoid attending a greedy, grabby, vulgar baby shower.

I night be a bit of an old curmudgeon.

SkySmiler · 17/03/2018 15:55

Can't believe you would even consider turning up with your DC - CF springs to mind... Its a baby shower, its about the mum and her baby, not yours!

Dozer · 17/03/2018 15:58

It’s not U for the hosts not to want DC there, nor for you to decline because you don’t have or can’t afford childcare.

Dozer · 17/03/2018 15:59

I would dislike a baby shower but would dislike a baby shower with toddlers present even more!

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 17/03/2018 16:02

The only one i’ve been to was a lovely relaxed non-grabby affair - a chance for mothers and non-mothers to just chill out, have tea and champagne and fuss over the mum to be. Children would have been inappropriate. They are attention sponges.

It’s legitimate and polite to say ‘sorry, I can’t come’. No need to emphasise that you have childcare issues. They’ve made it clear that toddlers are not welcome and that’s fair.

BackforGood · 17/03/2018 16:17

Of course YABU.
You've firstly said you are taking a child to something they are not invited to.
Then, having put the hosts in the awkward position of having to spell it out in black and white to you that, no, dc aren't invited, you are then still asking if it will be ok to just turn up with them ? Hmm Confused

If it's somethig you really want to go to, book yourself a baby sitter, or, if it's something you aren't that bothered about, then send your 'Thanks, but sorry I won't be able to make it' reply.

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 16:19

Not to be goady or anything but what is the actual issue with children at baby showers?

It's not a universal thing. It doesn't matter that it is a baby shower, you have been told your child is not invited and not welcome to this particular event, so why would you even dream of taking them with you? Just tell them you can't go, no childcare. That's life.

expatinscotland · 17/03/2018 16:27

Just don't go! They're unbelievably naff, anyway, and for a second child? Just no.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/03/2018 16:31

It's an adult only event so if you don't have childcare, you can't go. Just tell them that. I'm sure they will understand - how could they Not?!

Abra1de · 17/03/2018 16:34

Baby shower for a second baby?

SenecaFalls · 17/03/2018 16:34

Not to be goady or anything but what is the actual issue with children at baby showers?

I'm American so I have been to a lot of baby showers. Some have had children invited, some have not. It depends on the host and on the wishes of the mom/parents. For this particular shower, they want it to be adults only. A reasonable request.

Freetodowhatiwant · 17/03/2018 16:36

No one I’ve ever known has had a baby shower but I can fully appreciate the chance to have a fun get together with girlfriends, have some cava or whatever and chat child-free. It would be hugely different if chicken were invited. The pregnant person is seeing it as a chance to get together with her friends child-free. I would relish being invited to one I think! They are not a thing in my social circle or area.

Freetodowhatiwant · 17/03/2018 16:37

Chicken 🍗😀😀 means children. Different if chickens were invited too.

londonrach · 17/03/2018 16:38

You cant take your toddler to an event wheres youve been told its not child friendly. Just decline the invitation

SenecaFalls · 17/03/2018 16:40

Come to think of it, I think most of the ones I have been to have been child-free. I think part of the reason is that everyone wants to focus on the new mother. In the US, it's actually considered bad form to have one for a second child, unless there is a big age gap, so a lot of it is about the introduction to motherhood for the new mom. So all the attention should be on her, or them if it's a co-ed shower, and people having to watch out for their children can distract from that.

Confusedbeetle · 17/03/2018 16:51

I have a huge problem with baby showers. It seems a celebration of a birth of a baby who has not yet been safely delivered. Many people don't seem to realise that even these days things can and do go wrong. Celebrate a safe arrival once it has happened, instead of throwing a party which appears to be a gift giving exercise.

LockedOutOfMN · 17/03/2018 16:55

If they don't want children there, and you don't want to get childcare, then you can't go. It's up to you. But it would be VU if you turned up with your DC, having been asked not to.

ittakes2 · 17/03/2018 17:00

I agree it’s a bit silly having a baby shower and saying mums can’t bring their little ones! But she doesn’t want kids there so it’s unreasonable for you to bring your toddler when she says she doesn’t want you to. And to be honest - one year olds do change the dynamic - they are usually adorable and the centre of attention or grouchy and needing constant attention. Sounds like she might want the attention to be all on her which I get for a wedding but not a baby shower. I would decline the invite if I was you.

SpringHen · 17/03/2018 17:03

I have a huge problem with baby showers. It seems a celebration of a birth of a baby who has not yet been safely delivered.

Theyre a celebration of the time of life that is being an expectant mother.

The ones Ive been to have had a lot of "girl talk" about birth etc so not child friendly

Pengggwn · 17/03/2018 17:12

If she doesn't want children at her baby shower, she doesn't want children. I feel course you can't just take him anyway!

lifechangesforever · 17/03/2018 17:18

Can't say I'd want children there either! There's usually inappropriate games and it's quite normal for showers to be held in pubs, restaurants, cafes etc. With a booked table, so it's not just sat in someone's living room.

If you can't go due to childcare then that's perfectly OK but it's not OK to just turn up with child in tow that the host has asked not to be there - she probably wants a break from her DC for the afternoon too.

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 17/03/2018 17:32

Baby shower for a second baby? Unheard of. And VU of your DF.

However you WBVU to turn up with a child when you've clearly been told it's not a children too do.

If you want to go can't you just get a babysitter?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/03/2018 17:34

I have a huge problem with baby showers. It seems a celebration of a birth of a baby who has not yet been safely delivered. Many people don't seem to realise that even these days things can and do go wrong.

I don't like them much either, but I'm not sure I fully understand this logic. Of course things can go tragically wrong in late pregnancy - as can they in infancy. When do you think it's 'safe' to celebrate a baby being born? And do you really think a mother who has a stillbirth will regret having a baby shower? If so, why?

KERALA1 · 17/03/2018 17:44

Fgs some po faced over thinking here! What's wrong with a gathering of women pre baby to focus on the mum and have a catch up? Only ever been to one of an American friend wasn't grabby in the slightest was a lovely afternoon of chat, fizz etc. Low key and well - nice. Don't get the snootiness.