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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - children not welcome

212 replies

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:30

Have been invited to a friends baby shower. Its being organised by her sister but friend has said how she wants everything.

Not really keen on baby showers myself but do want to support her, I said yes I could come to the date proposed (group chat) but would have DC2 with me (a toddler), this was met with silence from friend and her sister saying glad I could make it but it wasn't child friendly and could I get a baby sitter.

I am a single parent so can't just leave DC at home, and childcare options are limited due to no family local. DC1 is older and so can stay with a friend who has DC the same age but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her to have DC2 aswell due to the age and various extra needs compared to school aged child.

Would I be unreasonable to say I can't make it? Or should I just turn up with DC? Only slightly over aged one so not likely to make any difference to anyone else but me imo.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 17/03/2018 12:07

It’s a celebration of her baby, not yours OP.

DC is not invited, so don’t take him/her.

I hate baby showers, if I was you I would be thrilled for an excuse not to go.

ginandnappies · 17/03/2018 12:08

You can't just turn up with your child, that's very rude.

Just decline.

FrancisCrawford · 17/03/2018 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 12:09

No, don't go with your child when they're specifically not invited.

I suspect the mum to he would like to hang out with her friends and have a conversation/relax which is more difficult with a small child there who needs to be entertained/watched.

Just say you're sorry but you can't attend as you can't get childcare.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 17/03/2018 12:11

I took my uninvited DD Blush

My SIL had a baby shower recently. It was organised by her sister and her future SIL and held at her future MIL house.

DD (11) asked if she could come so I asked SIL who was hosting and she said of course and she’d double check with pregnant SIL. Pregnant SIL then texted me and said absolutely bring her, she’d love her to come and her other kids (DD’s cousins, 6 & 8) would be there too.

On the day of the shower, a message from her future SIL went up in the Facebook event group that said ‘as space is limited children are not welcome’...as we were pulling into the fucking driveway after an hour drive Shock

I texted SIL from the car in a panic but she said it was her party and she’ll have who she likes there, so in we went Blush

Turned out the house was so big there were rooms sitting unfurnished Hmm

In your case OP I think declining is fine, if they say no kids they have to respect that people may not be able to arrange childcare and therefore cannot go Smile

80sMum · 17/03/2018 12:14

You can't go to this particular event, so just decline the invitation.

Personally, I thinking you've had a lucky escape! What on earth is a "baby shower" anyway, other than a blatant request for baby gifts? Terrible idea, imported from USA I suspect.

Gide · 17/03/2018 12:14

I’m torn on this. I understand you have no childcare, but they’ve said no dc, so I would respect that. I have a friend who I invited to my leaving do meal, it was not child friendly and there was no reason she couldn’t have left her with her dad at home. She declined because I wouldn’t let her bring her dd. Just decline the invitation, pretty simple.

Urubu · 17/03/2018 12:19

Yes, feel free to decline but don't turn up with a toddler!
Reasons why the party might be child-free:

  • children make noise
  • children help themselves when food is on a coffee table, often eating more than their share. Also they often touch food that they won't eat making it undesirable for others.
  • some party games or jokes are inappropriate if a toddler is in the room.
...
Trills · 17/03/2018 12:20

If you think that adding one toddler to an otherwise all-adults event doesn't substantially change it, you are wrong.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/03/2018 12:21

I wouldn't take the child with you if you've been pretty much told not to.
In fact, I'd use it as a reason to bow out entirely.
Send her a present if you feel you should, but I'd decline on the grounds that you can't get childcare for your toddler.

KERALA1 · 17/03/2018 12:26

People especially women are "allowed" to have child free events op. Most are probably mothers of very young children looking for an excuse to catch up with friends minus kids. That's totally reasonable.

Sympathise with your position but it is what it is - you can't take your child so if no childcare you can't go and that's the end of it.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 17/03/2018 12:26

Just don't go.

Any event can be adults only, people are allowed to do that. What is totally unreasonable is making an event adults only but then being in any way upset or offended by someone who declined due to child care responsibility.

Nobody has any right to expect you to source and pay for a babysitter, or indeed use a babysitter at all if you aren't comfortable doing so, rather than decline.

AlmostDoneWithThis · 17/03/2018 12:29

You absolutely can't take a toddler with you to an event where you've been asked not to. For all you think it won't affect anyone else, it will, as toddlers, by definition, can make their presence known in loud and destructive ways.

ChocolateWombat · 17/03/2018 12:29

Of course it's fine for people to host child-free events. Just becaus children exist, doesn't mean they have to attend everything. There is absolutely a place for adults only events and all adults need some child free time.

Anyone hosting can choose to include or not include children. Hose invited are then totally free to accept or decline.

Single parents will often have more difficulty in getting to adult only events, because there are less adults to leave the kids with. It's simply a fact. People organising events can bear this in mind, but it doesn't mean that children have to be included in everything, and those who are single parents (along with those who aren't single parents too) have to accept that having children sometimes means you can't attend everything you'd like to. Missing out on some things feels sadder than other things....its just one of those things.

And re whether there is irony in it being a baby shower....I think not. This is exactly the time for the mother to be to squeeze in a bit of adult only time....because there won't be much of it for a good while.

Absolutely fine to decline. No need to be chippy and make a big thing of it being all the fault of the organiser choosing not to allow kids. Do t make it about you. Simply reply cheerily saying childcare means you can't make it, but you'll be thinking of them and hoping they all have a lovely time......or keep looking to find some childcare...you never know, you might be able to find some and get to go.

I've missed out on a variety of things over the years because of childcare....hen nights, meals out, drinks in the pub......just one of those things that comes with having kids.

ZZZZ1111 · 17/03/2018 12:30

If you can't go due to not having someone to look after your child then just decline and tell her why.

I get why she wouldn't want children there. The sorts of conversations you have when children are around are different, the focus won't be on her if a child is there etc. It her choice anyway. Definitely don't just turn up with your child!

Jaxhog · 17/03/2018 12:32

It's really no different to any other invitation. If your DCs aren't invited then you can't take them. If you can't get childcare then you can't go. End of.

It's up to the host who they invite. Not you!

ChocolateWombat · 17/03/2018 12:34

And def not okay to turn up to no child events with child......this applies to weddings, baby showers, parties...whatever. Goodness, people will be suggesting they have a right to take their kid to a hen night next.

An event happening, or being invited doesn't give you the right to turn up with whoever you like, or in whatever way allows you to get there. You either meet the child free criteria of the invite for that event, or you simply can't go.

I'm not sure why some people have such trouble accepting that sometimes having children means you won't be able to go to everything. It strikes me as a bit immature.....wanting to live the life of a young, free and single childless person, when actually you're not anymore. I know adapting can be hard, but parents have to do it.

MissClarke86 · 17/03/2018 12:39

I organised a baby shower ones in a small, bijou cafe. Children weren’t allowed because practically they’d have trashed the place and also probably been quite unsafe themselves.

MidniteScribbler · 17/03/2018 12:39

"OK, now we're all going to give the future mum her gifts..."

"Oh look at my darling little Johnson opening up the presents for you. He just loves wrapping paper. Isn't he the cutest little darling you've ever seen? Let's all stop what we are doing and stare in wonder at what spawned from my uterus."

SilverySurfer · 17/03/2018 12:39

what is the actual issue with children at baby showers?

YABU. The actual issue is that it's their baby shower and they get to chose who they wish to invite and in this case, not to invite - ie children.

Your choice is equally simple - either find childcare and go or don't find childcare and don't go.

LML83 · 17/03/2018 12:40

baby shower can be child friendly or not. I have been to some where a child could come and it would be no problem but others where inappropriate games or quizzes are played, few glasses of wine for some and labour chat. Even afternoon tea can be hard with small tea room and china.

Lucyccfc · 17/03/2018 12:40

The 1 and only ever baby shower I went to was more raucous that a hen party. Apart from the mum-to-be everyone else got very drunk and there were lots of rude games and shots for forfeits. It was a bloody riot.

Couldn't imagine taking a toddler to that kind of baby shower, although one of the guests though it was ok to bring her boyfriend!

Bodicea · 17/03/2018 12:45

Well most baby showers I have been to it’s a chance to the mum to be to spend time with her friends and close family and have a catch up, enjoy a nice child free meal/afternoon tea and have a gossip before baby comes along and makes stuff like this harder for her for a while. Totally understand why kids aren’t invited. That totally changes the dynamic of the party. So yabu to think kids should be invited.
Men are allowed to do child free things. Have you ever heard of a children coming along when they wet the babies head? So why should women no be allowed to?

Ginger1982 · 17/03/2018 12:45

Who has a baby shower for a second baby? That's the unreasonable bit in my book!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/03/2018 13:03

Your mistake was saying DC2 would be with you, that was inviting their opinion on the situation. They invited you to a baby shower, taking your baby is hardly an unusual thing to do. You have a baby, just turned one, not a rampaging 3 year old. Conversation, games, nothing needs changing because a 1 year old is there. They know you’re a single Mum, why would you want to pay for a babysitter to attend a baby shower? Madness.