Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - children not welcome

212 replies

vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 11:30

Have been invited to a friends baby shower. Its being organised by her sister but friend has said how she wants everything.

Not really keen on baby showers myself but do want to support her, I said yes I could come to the date proposed (group chat) but would have DC2 with me (a toddler), this was met with silence from friend and her sister saying glad I could make it but it wasn't child friendly and could I get a baby sitter.

I am a single parent so can't just leave DC at home, and childcare options are limited due to no family local. DC1 is older and so can stay with a friend who has DC the same age but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her to have DC2 aswell due to the age and various extra needs compared to school aged child.

Would I be unreasonable to say I can't make it? Or should I just turn up with DC? Only slightly over aged one so not likely to make any difference to anyone else but me imo.

OP posts:
CristinaYang · 17/03/2018 19:41

I have a friend who brings her one year old everywhere. No idea why. She has a husband who watches her slightly older child so he must be capable enough.

It drives me batshit. I don’t want to leave my kids behind so that I can go and listen to hers whinge and whine.

Rachie1973 · 17/03/2018 19:50

vanessa6734

Would I be unreasonable to say I can't make it?

This is absolutely fine.

Or should I just turn up with DC?

This is totally not! DC is NOT invited, to the extent that you have been TOLD no kids.

Original poster
vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 19:55

I have a friend who brings her one year old everywhere. No idea why. She has a husband who watches her slightly older child so he must be capable enough.

I can't speak for your friend obviously, but for me my one year old is still very much my baby and I do generally like to have her with me, some things are easier without like doctors apps and such but generally I'd find it much harder to relax worrying ifshe was okay/went down for naps etc.

I won't just arrive with DD. But I'm just not comfortable with leaving her with a friend or someone she isn't that familar with. Will decline and just bring a nice gift when we meet the baby.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 17/03/2018 20:14

"and another where the mother was having twin girls after four boys."

Did anyone gift wrap a pack of condoms Grin

"But I'm just not comfortable with leaving her with a friend or someone she isn't that familiar with."

I can totally understand this ^^
Just decline and send a gift.

Original poster
vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 20:17

In regards to the second baby and the shower - there is a fair age gap between the two and they had sold all the baby things so I think (without being too cynical) this is probably the main reason for the shower. She didn't have one for her first though so maybe she would just like one?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 17/03/2018 20:45

She can have one if she wants, can't she. No one has to go.

SpringHen · 17/03/2018 20:55

In regards to the second baby and the shower - there is a fair age gap between the two and they had sold all the baby things so I think (without being too cynical)

Or maybe she plans for this to be her last pregnancy and wants to mark it with friends??

fabulous01 · 17/03/2018 21:03

If it is child free that is their decision
I understand what you mean but it does change having little ones and I certainly wouldn’t take mine anywhere where children weren’t invited
If it meant I couldn’t go so be it

Loandbeholdagain · 17/03/2018 21:10

I’m the mum of two toddlers with virtually no child-free time. I would be really cheesed off if I had come to a grown up (as is normal) baby shower, only to find that I ended up babysitting someone else’s child. I have a friend who has a habit of bringing her toddler to adult things and to be honest I find it really irritating. Just don’t go if you can’t get childcare. That’s a totally reasonable answer.

BackforGood · 17/03/2018 21:10

What SeatoSky said.

Well, in truth, what everybody has said.

You know, even if the hosts (to any 'do') made a request that actually was unreasonable, then it is still their right to make that request, and the invitees choice to either comply with that request or turn down the invitation. In this case it shouldn't even have to be spelled out, such is the reasonableness of the request.

ChristinaYang - over 20 years ago, I had a friend who would never leave her ds and go anywhere without him (way beyond babyhood). What actually happened, is that she then didn't get included in invitations to things. Up to her,, but seems a bit of an isolated way to live, to me.

PenelopeChipShop · 17/03/2018 21:11

Yeah just don’t go. I’m with you I find it ironic that babies can’t go to baby showers tbh but if that’s what she wants then what can you do.

One friend of mine got so stressed about her cousin potentially bringing her baby to her baby shower (she was due about a month before so was going to have a tiny newborn who she really couldn’t leave). She had to in the end as baby was ebf. I don’t think friend was very happy about it but it wasn’t long until she ‘got it’!

Original poster
vanessa6734 · 17/03/2018 21:24

Maybe its just because not many have them round here but I didn't actually see baby showers as an "adult only" event, of the few I have been to it has never been specificied as no children, one no one brought DC with them (by choice), but most fairly relaxed so it didn't seem obvious to me that children weren't invited I really just mentioned DD and genuinely didn't expect to be told no so its not a case of them having to "spell it out" for me. I mentioned DD in the same way I would if I were meeting a friend.

I suppose its one of those things, I find it sad as I don't see why an event celebrating a new baby needs to exclude other new mums and babies and its a shame I'll miss out on celebrating with her but ho hum!

OP posts:
SpringHen · 17/03/2018 21:34

of the few I have been to it has never been specificied as no children

Well this one is. So, decline and get over it!

Louiselouie0890 · 17/03/2018 21:49

The games at the last baby shower I went to certainly weren't kid friendly. There party there rules. Decline.

AllNamesTakenhell · 17/03/2018 21:57

Will decline and just bring a nice gift when we meet the baby

That is the best way to go. I declined one for the same reason, it was children included then became cf the day before. Far too late for me to get childcare. Funnily, the mum2be then, got the major hump when our mutual friend had a child free afternoon tea shower two years later Hmm.

DobbyLovesSocks · 17/03/2018 22:01

Baby showers annoy the hell out of me. And for a second child HmmHmmAngryAngry. You buy a present for mum to be for the shower and then again once baby is born? Bugger that!!

I've been invited to one; close family member, second child. I declined.

Duck90 · 17/03/2018 22:46

What are they doing for the shower?

SenecaFalls · 17/03/2018 22:57

You buy a present for mum to be for the shower and then again once baby is born? Bugger that!!

Agreed, but in the US where the baby shower tradition started, you are not expected to give a second gift when the baby is born if you gave something at the shower. If y'all are going to adopt our baby shower traditions, you definitely need to add that part. Smile

PurdysChocolate · 17/03/2018 23:08

I think of a baby shower as a celebration for a first-time expectant mom in which her female friends and family share in her excitement and help get her set up by giving gifts.

I think it's totally weird to have one for a second baby, I wouldn't feel bad about not attending OP.

PencilPen · 18/03/2018 00:12

Maybe she wants everyone to focus on the party (and her). Having kids around will mean parents will be distracted. It’s her party so she can set the terms but I would not feel bad declining the invite if I cannot get childcare support.

Original poster
vanessa6734 · 18/03/2018 08:35

Baby showers annoy the hell out of me. And for a second child. You buy a present for mum to be for the shower and then again once baby is born? Bugger that!!

I don't really see the difference in the grabbiness of it being the first born or any other child to be fair. Not everyone keeps all their baby things by the time a second or third comes along. Each baby shower to me feels a bit grabby, you still celebrate the baby either way but as you say its a little awkward as I'd rather visit a new baby with a gift, particularly as its nice to give a personalised gift with the name or a nice outfit depending on the sex or how big baby is. It feels a bit weird to me to gift things before the baby is here.

Both my DCs were still "celebrated" just had a nice get together when they were born for friends and family to meet the baby and raise a glass to their safe arrival, the idea of "showering" the new mum with gifts is a bit american and OTT but that is irrelevant to the actually AIBU I guess Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
vanessa6734 · 18/03/2018 08:37

I have declined the invitation and it was met with a bit of tension from the organiser "can you really not find ANYONE to look after her??" Hmm.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 18/03/2018 08:40

Seems rather cynical to talk about "grabby" do you all think so badly of your friends? The host will be laying on food and drink the present doesn't have to be lavish. I would enjoy the excuse of a
catch up. Didn't have them myself but abit weird they attract such vitriol!

AllNamesTakenhell · 18/03/2018 08:42

A simple 'no I can't' works in response. Ignore the tension.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 18/03/2018 08:46

"mums wanting to have a child free day are still getting one? If I wanted to relax away from my DCs someone bringing their own baby wouldn't bother me"

I think you'll find it would bother most people. People aren't getting a child free day if someone brings their toddler. Nothing worse than trying to have an adult conversation while someone is having to fuss over their child at the same time. Or that child is making noise and demanding attention. Glad you've seen sense and declined OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread