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AIBU?

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Original poster

Off list wedding gifts

216 replies

restofthetimes · 08/03/2018 22:22

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

OP posts:
QueenCity · 08/03/2018 22:26

Yes, you should give them whatever you think they would like. Wedding registries can be a useful guide as to gifts the couple might like, asking for money is just plain rude. I didn't have a registry and did not expect gifts but was very touched by, and grateful for, the ones we did receive.

Trinity66 · 08/03/2018 22:26

Most people will give money so a few gifts are nice to have I think

LeighaJ · 08/03/2018 22:29

That sounds nice and thoughtful.

McTufty · 08/03/2018 22:29

Completely up to you what you give - a recipient of a gift has no right to complain about what they receive. Probably they would prefer cash given what they’ve said but I think your gift sounds lovely and hopefully they won’t be ungrateful enough to be anything other than pleased with it.

TheRebel · 08/03/2018 22:48

I never give cash for wedding presents, traditionally wedding presents were to help the couple set up home, if they’ve already done that then I prefer to give them something to remind them of their wedding so I usually go with a silver photo frame (a plain design so it will fit in with most people’s decor) or nice quality bed linen, as people always need bed linen and it can be used for a long time. I can’t put my finger on why I don’t want to give cash, as I always give cash for birthdays but I think it’s because it just doesn’t fit the occasion.

coffeeX10 · 08/03/2018 22:52

@TheRebel nice quality bed linen - id have LOVED this, excellent gift :)

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/03/2018 22:52

They need the money for their honeymoon. I would think they would rather have a honeymoon than a hamper. Just give them the money you were planning spending on a food hamper.

kubex · 08/03/2018 23:09

I never understand why people don't just give the money! Its no different to asking for a toaster or a bloody gravy boat.

Who the fuck wants a hamper?!

bella2bella · 08/03/2018 23:09

YANBU - I do similar and buy an actual gift when invited to weddings that ask for cash/vouchers. I'm not comfortable with it. I wouldn't want anyone to gift me something they weren't comfortable with!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/03/2018 23:13

They won’t prefer it but I never give cash and instead give a present, it’s a principal thing as I know they’d prefer my money! Smh

Happened · 08/03/2018 23:16

We asked for money towards the Honeymoon (as family insisted on being given a gift list and we didn't need anything,) but some of the nicest presents we got were random thoughtful gifts. I think they will really appreciate it.

happymummy12345 · 08/03/2018 23:18

Up to you. Personally I hate wedding registries, and hate the idea of asking for money even more. Hence we didn't ask for anything.

kubex · 08/03/2018 23:19

Why are you not comfortable with giving someone cash or vouchers??

If you buy them a gift, they are still 'getting' your money.

I think buying someone a gift just to make a point of not giving cash is a bit of a dick move tbh!

iheartmichellemallon · 08/03/2018 23:21

Totally agree with kubex.

tenbob · 08/03/2018 23:24

TheRebel
Not everyone needs bed linen! We have more than we know what to do with, because DH and I both had lots before we moved in together
Plus it's quite a personal taste so lots of scope to get it very wrong

A hamper wouldn't be my idea of an ideal gift but if you know them well enough to get things they like, it isn't terrible.

Nearly all the off-list presents we got were in the charity shop or on eBay within a month of us getting back from our honeymoon. They were well-intentioned gifts but just not 'us', and I didn't want the additional clutter in the house

Raven88 · 08/03/2018 23:30

I think going of list is fine and your gift idea sounds lovely. As a wedding gift I would of really loved it.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/03/2018 23:34

The bride organises a great wedding day, usually a sit down meal and party afterwards that caters for everyone. In exchange they expect something useful in return, which is why they often say what they need as a list. In this case they need help with the honeymoon.

Would guests like it if they turned up and bride said there is a fish and chip shop down the road, order what you like I dont feel comfortable sorting out food for you?

Imagine the day after the wedding the groom said to bride, you know that honeymoon we were planning, well its cancelled because we cant afford it. Guests thought all we were worth was a gravy boat and bed linen.

TheRebel · 08/03/2018 23:36

I think the thing is that a) all the weddings I’ve been to are people who are comfortable financially so don’t need gifts or cash and b) it’s a gift, not an entrance fee so if you don’t like it the that’s up to you but I do always put a gift receipt in and make a point of saying if you want to change it for something else then feel free, so if it’s really off base they can find something else in John Lewis that they do like.

IrregularCommentary · 08/03/2018 23:44

Isn't the point of a gift to give something the recipient would like?

They've told you what they'd like, why get something else?

DoryNora · 08/03/2018 23:47

100% agree with kubex, why bother giving a gift at all if you’re just doing it to spite them?
I don’t understand why people begrudge putting something towards a honeymoon which the couple would love and be able to make lasting memories, and would rather give them clutter for the mantelpiece that will be in the charity shop by Christmas.

TheRebel · 08/03/2018 23:54

I think it’s one thing to offer cash as a gift but it’s quite different to ask for it. There’s always going to be a difference of opinion over this.

meandmytinfoilhat · 08/03/2018 23:56

Sounds like a good gift.

Personally, I would give money.

LeMesmer · 08/03/2018 23:58

I think it depends firstly on how well you know them, and secondly the type of gift. If you know them well enough to buy a gift that you know they will treasure and still be using 40 years later, then go for a gift. If it is something that you are giving just because you object to cash and will may (or maybe not) be gone in minutes then just my give then what they have asked for.

boomboom1234 · 09/03/2018 00:00

I think you should give them money. It's what they really want. A hamper is a lovely thought but they may feel stressed about affording their honeymoon so may feel it was money they could have spent on an experience to treasure. I wouldn't ask for money but I would give money if that is what was asked for.

Charliecatpaws · 09/03/2018 00:05

I’m happy to give money as a wedding gift - I’m a lazy bugger so it saved me time and thought. We were one of those awful couples who asked for cash IF people wanted to do so and put it towards a conservatory, however if anyone wanted to give a gift that was totally appreciated

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