Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Off list wedding gifts

216 replies

restofthetimes · 08/03/2018 22:22

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 13:06

If you're to the point where 'If I don't get what I want I'm disappointed,' then just say 'no gifts'.

addictedtochoc · 09/03/2018 13:08

Agreed, if the gift was champagne, it wouldn't be a complete waste as it would be gifted on rather than charity shop donation (which many of the other awful suggestions such as frames, albums and bed linen would be).

But from my personal perspective, I would prefer you didn't waste time and energy shopping around to find something that is on offer as the perceived value is irrelevant. You are invited because we want you there, not your gift. So if we had requested money, however little you gave would be greatly appreciated

mrssunshinexxx · 09/03/2018 13:09

Give them the money for the honeymoon

itsjustmebeingme · 09/03/2018 13:09

If you know them well, then get what you know they'd like.
We often get restaurant vouchers as a gift...always goes down well.
With people that we may not be as close to, we have given cash in the form of the currency of where they are honeymooning x

ferrier · 09/03/2018 15:57

Imo it's impolite to only ask for money. Why not make a bit of effort and have a wedding list with money towards x as one of the options, with some household items, specific honeymoon experiences or wedding items and charity donations. Then I as a giver can choose and wedding couple can have the pleasure of looking at said household items or honeymoon experiences and think, yes friend a bought us that. I do that a lot with my wedding presents and it's a nice feeling. I wouldn't get that with money in a lot.

ferrier · 09/03/2018 15:59

pot not lot.

LaurieMarlow · 09/03/2018 16:15

Why not make a bit of effort and have a wedding list with money towards x as one of the options, with some household items, specific honeymoon experiences or wedding items and charity donations

Lots of people already use those sites that allow you to book specific honeymoon experiences, which I think is a great idea. I always assume this is what people mean when they say couples have asked for money for their honeymoon.

However, I don't see why people should be encouraged to ask for household items if they don't want any. There's some bizarre whim to buy 'stuff for the house' despite this not being wanted or needed in this day and age.

QueenCity · 09/03/2018 16:24

"However, I don't see why people should be encouraged to ask for household items if they don't want any. "

People should be encouraged not to ask for anything!

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/03/2018 16:26

It's much easier to buy something in the sales for £20 that is usually more expensive
They are in the sale for a reason, nobody wants them. So an expensive but discounted item might look like you are giving them a 'substantial' present but the only person benefiting is the charity shop.
I really hate gifters who make giving all abut them, I would rather they just didn't bother. Instead of a nice gift all you get is an obligation to pretend its lovely, to thank them profusely, to write them a card and to repay them with an equally pointless gift at some stage down the line. What a PITA.

LaurieMarlow · 09/03/2018 16:28

People should be encouraged not to ask for anything!

Lots of people seem much happier with couples having a wedding list. For some reason.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/03/2018 16:56

*What if quite a lot of guests go off list and the couple can't afford the honeymoon they would really like

Um, don't plan a holiday until you know you can pay for it. hmm Or be more honest and charge admission*

That's how I feel, don't book a honeymoon expecting others to pay. A marriage is supposed to be about the vows yet so many want their guests to financially contribute for the pleasure of seeing the wedding. An entry fee would be more honest.

If a couple have everything they need, then surely you say no gifts?

Even worse when the invite is evening only or for a second wedding.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2018 17:02

To be fair expat if I was going to someone's birthday party and I knew they wanted to go on a special holiday to celebrate I would be happy to give a contribution to that as a birthday present. Why wouldn't you?

And people say it is rude asking for presents, I have never been to a wedding empty handed, so it makes it easy to have a list to know what the couple want.

ferrier · 09/03/2018 17:16

Agree, lists make things easy.
I like household items as mentioned above because when I use them I remember the person who bought them.
Even though I have everything I could possibly need, if I was getting married tomorrow I could easily come up with a few items of that kind.
But I do also agree with 'No presents' too and that's exactly what I would do (possibly with a very optional 'donate to these charities') if I was to get married again.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/03/2018 17:25

The problems with saying 'no presents' or even 'donate to charity', is that people still end up giving you crap. Saying something like, "I know you didn't want ask for anything but I thought this stylish toaster might come in handy and I just wanted to get you a little something."

feska5 · 09/03/2018 17:30

I really dislike being asked for money especially in the form of a cheesy poem and especially to fund a honeymoon.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 17:31

'To be fair expat if I was going to someone's birthday party and I knew they wanted to go on a special holiday to celebrate I would be happy to give a contribution to that as a birthday present. Why wouldn't you?'

Because it's rude to tout for cash in an invitation.

carefreeeee · 09/03/2018 17:49

If you want to buy an actual gift, why not get something from a charity shop? That way it will be cheaper and save you money, and in the likely event that they don't want it, the charity can benefit twice over, plus you aren't contributing to the production of more rubbish.

I am very happy with second hand presents, cash or charity donations. But the wastefulness of receiving a load of stuff I don't want is really stressful and quite upsetting. I got a load at Christmas and haven't even looked at any of it. It depresses me to give brand new stuff to charity when they will only get a tenth of the cost back.

GenericUser · 09/03/2018 17:55

But surely people do give money towards big holidays for people's birthdays.

A little while ago I went to a friend's 40th. I knew they were going on holiday to New York a few weeks later. So instead of a gift I gave some dollars and told her to have a treat/souvenir/meal on holiday on me. Seems pretty similar to a honeymoon gift list.

Snausage · 09/03/2018 18:00

One of my oldest friends is getting married in September. I've no idea what they're going to say about gifts, but I already know I'm going to make her and her other half a breakfast set in my pottery class. If she wants cash, I'll stick some cash in the card, too.

TheRebel · 09/03/2018 18:10

@carefreeeee are you for real? I wouldn’t get a wedding gift from a charity shop because I want to choose something that I think they’ll like that they can look at over the coming years and will remind them of their special day, not something that’s been sitting in someone’s attic and smells musty. Have you never heard of gift receipts?

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 18:18

'But surely people do give money towards big holidays for people's birthdays.

A little while ago I went to a friend's 40th. I knew they were going on holiday to New York a few weeks later. So instead of a gift I gave some dollars and told her to have a treat/souvenir/meal on holiday on me. Seems pretty similar to a honeymoon gift list.'

Eh? Some people don't celebrate big birthdays at all. Still others just save up and go on a holiday on their own. Some people have a party and ask for no gifts. Or don't put anything in at all, they're just wanting people to come and celebrate. It's one thing to think, oh, I'll give them money and quite another to issue an invitation with, 'Give me money to go on holiday as a gift.'

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2018 18:18

So for people who think lists are grabby/rude, if you are going to a wedding that has say 150 guests, what do you buy if there is no list? Assume you don't turn up empty handed as that would be rude. Do the couple end up with 50 silver photo frames, 50 bottles of champagne and 50 hampers (the modern equivalent of towels and toasters!)

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 18:22

And then bitch about being disappointed people didn't stump up cash because waaaa, that's what I wanted!

FreeNiki · 09/03/2018 18:36

But surely people do give money towards big holidays for people's birthdays.

WTAF

Big birthday for me this summer. I am getting fuck all as far as I know.

I will see if I can rustle up some money for the eurostar by myself but thats about it

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2018 18:38

Would you seriously be happy if you got 50 hampers? Also as someone giving a present I would feel pretty shit if I gave a couple a present that was the same as everyone else.

Why do people think it is awful giving someone a present that they actually want?

If there is no list would you even ask B & G if there is anything they would like, or just assume you know best.

If I was going to someone's birthday party and I knew they were saving up for something I would ask if they would like a contribution towards it as a gift, rather than get them something that they don't really want or need.