Off list wedding gifts

[restofthetimes]

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

I read a wonderful piece once, on gift giving. In reality we buy gifts we would like to receive, that reflect our own personal taste.

It makes me abit odd - but I do not want someone else buying me things for my house. I wish to choose and furnish it myself. I have my own taste. EG the current trend for silver, mirrored and glittered stuff, it is just awful. It's tacky, cheap and looks like it came from a fairground stall. So any photo frames like that would be straight to the charity shop.

Money really is the most appropriate gift; the coupl can then choose what they would like, they can pool money for larger items. TBH I'd rather they spent is on a brilliant honeymoon (twee) making memories than stuff hanging round to dust.

It is polite, where ever you go, to take a gift, so yes you do cover your plate in the same way, if you went to a dinner party you would take apprpriate wine/flowers/chocolates for yoru host/ess, ditto the evening do. If you are going to get pissed up at the bar, trough the buffet and strut your funky stuff to the disco, then you take a gift.

According to this, that average monetary gift per head is £60

www.thelondoneconomic.com/lifestyle/top-10-wedding-gift-rules-you-should-know/06/08/

This however states E150 per head

www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/the-wedding-budget/are-money-gifts-acceptable-how-do-you-ask-how-much-on-average/439200.html

Average spend on a gift is £50

[[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/mind/ultimate-wedding-gift-guide/

1 in 5 ignore the gift list and 97% buy the cheapest item on the list

As I say, for me personally, it's the thought of a spotlight being shown on 'just' £20 in an envelope. And if I'm honest there is rebellion at being made to feel I should give more or being told exactly what to give. That's not what gifting, giving and receiving, is about, imo.

Right, but that's all completely about you, the giver, and your feelings, and not at all about what the recipient actually wants - is that what giving and receiving is all about?

I'm always happy when couples request money as a wedding gift as it means I a) don't have to go and buy anything b) I don't have to wrap the bloody thing and c)I don't have to cart a large giftwrapped item into the reception.

It’s like being told “come to our party and pay us for the food you eat” Every wedding I've ever been to the food has already been paid for. If you give the bride and groom nothing your experience of the wedding is no different.

How is giving money any different to giving a gift? Just the currency is different - instead of pounds/euros/dollars your 'paying' in photo frames/champagne/hampers.

Just giving money is so easy, I love it when that is asked for! And it’s nice to know you are helping someone have an amazing time on honeymoon, travel and time together is a gift to the couple. I have never been annoyed at being asked to give cash instead of a physical gift. That strikes me as the giver being cross they didn’t get to show off and be showered with praise... which means your gifts are all about you! I’d appreciate an amazing honeymoon far more than a house full of clutter. Most my friends weddings were no gifts as guests had to travel to them (abroad or other pets of the country rather than an hours drive etc) and they didn’t want to add to the cost to guests.

I think buying someone a gift just to make a point of not giving cash is a bit of a dick move tbh!

This. You are entitled to give them what you like of course, but if they've made it clear what they want I can't fathom why you wouldn't oblige.

A hamper is a bit hit or miss. I think they're great, but lots of people don't see the point of them.

There are already a lot of posts on here quoting different amounts as normal amounts to give. So someone giving £10 or £20 WOULD stand out. It's much easier to buy something in the sales for £20 that is usually more expensive - it feels a much nicer present than a£20 shoved in an envelope.

A list is a wish list, not an ultimatum, surely! And sorry, but I'm smiling at someone thinking a prose asking for money is different to a rhyme- most people won't notice the difference and will still wince.

If you think the couple are grabby and need to be patronised about what they want/need/have space for, why even go to the wedding?

I'm assuming they invited you because they like you. Some people on this thread don't necessarily seem to like the brides and grooms very much, so it's selfish to take up a place at their wedding so you can sneer at them for not 'living within their means' which is clearly the case for everyone who requests no gifts.

No one cares how much money you bung in a card, or if you just give a card itself. People don't invite guests to their wedding as a ploy to judge their financial situation. Why not just be nice, respect their wishes, and celebrate their wedding rather than your own self-perceived thoughtfulness, generosity and superiority!

I am still struggling with why people don't want to give gifts they know the B & G want.

DH and I went on holiday quite a few years ago to Italy, not honeymoon, just a holiday. From where we were staying we could do a day trip to Venice. Neither of us has been there before, and although it was one of those whistlestop tours, we still get a tingle whenever we see pictures of Venice as we still can't quite believe we have been there.

So if a couple planning their honeymoon to Italy, which they have paid for, see that they could go to Venice as part of their holiday and there were 2 options. They could do the daytrip like us, or for a special treat they could stay there for a couple of days and do their own thing rather than running round after a tour guide. They can afford the first option but not the second. They don't really need anything else. They know their friends would like to buy them a gift for their wedding as they are nice friends and that is what nice friends do! Would people really begrudge them asking for cash so they could have that extra special trip on their honeymoon. I would love to make a contribution to something like that. I certainly wouldn't be thinking, sod them, they can have a silver photo frame, whether they like it or not.

Or say the couple have never been able to afford a holiday. They have scrimped and saved for the wedding, nothing flash, just a nice simple ceremony and meal. Again would people begrudge giving them money so they could go on their first holiday together.

As has been said on here many times a wedding invitation is just that, an invitation not a summons. A wedding list does not mean you will not be able to come if you don't buy something, it is simply a list of things the B&G would like, if you want to buy them something. If cash is asked for, it is not in most instances, to pay towards the wedding or your 'plate' it will be for something special.

If people asked for money, I'd give them money. If people had a wedding gift list, I'd pick something from there.

We're getting married in July, live together, own our own home and have a cat... We literally don't need anything. As we're also getting married approximately 4 hours drive away from where a lot of our friends and family live, most are going to have to pay for transport and overnight accommodation - that's already quite a lot of money.

We both agreed that we'd state very clearly we don't want gifts, we genuinely, genuinely just want really special people to celebrate our day with us - However, we understand some people 'want' to mark our day with something...... so we suggested donating to 3 charities that we both believe do incredibly good work and help people / animals.

So not only do we get to celebrate with the people we love, but our 'love' can help others as well ... Kinda soppy, but I really believe in it!

Fluffy the charity thing is a fab idea! We felt the same as you but just specified no gifts. I think a lot of people felt they had to anyway (or didn’t read that bit on the invite) as I’d say probably 75% of guests gave us something. Whilst the thought was really appreciated, some of it was brilliant (we got a lot of money and champagne), some of it was stuff that we really didn’t want like household stuff, candles, ornaments etc. and sadly a lot ended up going to the charity shop. The charity donation would have (hopefully) stopped anyone from wasting their money and means a good cause benefits too.

We had a really tiny wedding (10 including us) at Gretna Green and didn't expect gifts from anyone, especially from people not at the wedding. However we were overwhelmed with the number of people who dropped round after with cards and vouchers and cash and even some gifts. I was amazed. We had lived together but in DH's late parents house (farm) so were able to put our own stamp on the place and two of the gifts that stand out for me are a handmade bed quilt (for over the top) and a really unusual photo frame with a photo of our wedding (they had asked my Dad for). The lady who gave us the quilt died suddenly just before Christmas and I am all the more glad we have it now. (Excuse terrible grammar sleep deprived and remains of a migraine)

It's much easier to buy something in the sales for £20 that is usually more expensive - it feels a much nicer present than a£20 shoved in an envelope.

Yet, if that present is going to sit in a cupboard gathering dust before eventually being sent to a charity shop, I see no point in it whatsoever. It's not a 'nicer' present, it's an utter waste of money.

And as for people saying that they gave their wedding presents to a charity shop as soon as they got back from honeymoon ....well words fail me. Maybe you should have asked for some manners instead of money as you are clearly missing them.

Why? Surely you wouldn't keep 4 toasters for the sake of 'manners'? Surely it would be better to let a charity benefit from the spares?

Why? Surely you wouldn't keep 4 toasters for the sake of 'manners'? Surely it would be better to let a charity benefit from the spares?

Also, some people seriously overestimate how much storage others have. I do not have the cupboard space for four toasters for the sake of 'manners'.

We asked for dollars for our wedding gift, we had paid for the honeymoon but asked for contributions towards our spending money. That way our guests knew it was being blown on us having fun and doing stuff rather than paying for our wedding bills. Other friends had put a list of honeymoon experiences that we could contribute to.

When people ask for money why do you assume it’s to pay the wedding/honeymoon itself? And why is it wrong that your gift would help make the honeymoon 5 star rather than 3 star?

Giving a hamper when they’ve asked for money is a bit spiteful. If you really feel you have to why not do a scaled down hamper with a cheque inside?

Lovesagin you do realise that people can easily guess what you have spent on a present, right? No one is going to look at something that you've bought for £20 and think it cost a lot more than that. So why does it matter?
It's really just a waste of money to buy some one a present unless they're going to like it, and for anyone other than young children it's better just to ask them what they want, and give them that.

Personally if they've asked for money then I'd give them money, they want a nice honeymoon. We couldn't afford a honeymoon and so wish we'd thought of this instead a gift list of things we didn't actually need. If we had of asked for money and got a hamper I'd probably be slightly dissapointed.

Noeffingidea I refer you to my earlier post answering that point

I AM a bit of an expert at shopping around and can get something that should be £50-odd for £20-odd.

But it’s still a wasted £20 when it’s something the recipients neither want or need.

I am so glad some of the posters on here are not my friends. If you are close enough to someone for them to invite you to their wedding, is it that hard to give them what they ask for? (For the record, I totally agree that a gift is not paying for a place at the wedding and any bride or groom that expects a minimum amount as a cash gift is unreasonable)

We specifically stated not to receive gifts on our wedding invite. Every person who was invited was someone we wanted to be there, whether they came empty handed or with a gift. Our wedding and honeymoon had been chosen and paid for with money we had saved over the years. We received money/vouchers ranging from £0-200 from our guests (many giving £10-30). Every person who attended received a personalised thank you card, irrespective of whether they gave a gift or how much they gave. The money was appreciated and paid for a personalised item of furniture in our home that we purchased on our honeymoon - something we definitely wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford and a lovely memory of both our wedding and honeymoon,

When attending other weddings, the amount I give is usually reflected in how close we are to the couple and how much attending the wedding has cost us. A destination wedding which has cost us hundreds in flights and accommodation will result in a less generous gift, simply because we can't afford to give so much when attending the wedding has cost us that amount. How much the wedding has cost the couple is completely irrelevant when we decide how much to give.

However, when a couple has specifically requested money or given a gift list, I will not spite them and buy something else because I think I am being superior/different which some on here feel they are. As others have said, it is very easy to guess how much someone has spent on a present, even if they have shopped around. If someone has asked for cash, they would much prefer the £20 in cash to go towards something they have in mind than some other useless item which has a perceived value of more than £20 in the givers head. If it is something I don't want, and goes to the charity shop, the actual value is £0 so that is £20 that lovesagain struggled to afford in the first place completely wasted. I would prefer you gave me nothing and just attended to celebrate with me.

Soup - everyone likes and needs a nice bottle of fizz, can never have too much of that :)

No lovesagain, we don't. Whilst we both drink alcohol, neither of us particularly like champagne and nor are we big drinkers so that would be wasted on us. We would end up regifting when going to a birthday party or similar.

'Or say the couple have never been able to afford a holiday. They have scrimped and saved for the wedding, nothing flash, just a nice simple ceremony and meal. Again would people begrudge giving them money so they could go on their first holiday together.'

If you can afford only one or the other, then you pick. It's not different from say, a 'big' birthday, you can afford a small party or to go away. Or, hey! How about you instead have the party, invite everyone and then say, 'For gifts, I want money to buy a holiday to celebrate.' After all, no one should begrudge you that, it's your big day and all.

Fair enough, even regifting it has saved you the money from buying a bottle I suppose! Saying that if I knew someone didn't drink I obviously wouldn't get a bottle, I don't know anyone that doesn't drink though so so far it's worked out!