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AIBU?

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Original poster

Off list wedding gifts

216 replies

restofthetimes · 08/03/2018 22:22

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 09:12

'All this chat of an entrance fee is just nonsense.'

It's not given the fact that so many see it as a monetary transaction, which some on this board have already brought up and is a common train of thought, the ol' 'cover your plate plus extra'. If I want to 'cover my plate' I'll go to a restaurant.

OutyMcOutface · 09/03/2018 09:14

I would feel very weird giving money. I doubt they will be upset with a carefully chosen gift that you have specifically chosen because you know it will be useful and enjoyable to them.

TheRebel · 09/03/2018 09:15

@back The Cotswolds, so on top of the ‘wedding’ premium you also pay the ‘Cotswolds’ premium for the venue and suppliers!

GenericUser · 09/03/2018 09:17

Raffles they just sound rude, I doubt you would have got a thank you if you gave them £300 or a gift item.

ittakes2 · 09/03/2018 09:18

My cousin in her 30s went abroad to get married and didn’t want any guests with her. She later had a stand up buffet in a pub midweek and sent us an invite inviting us to the buffet and saying they would like cash for a wedding present. We got them something else I thought was thoughtful.

Rafflesway · 09/03/2018 09:23

expat it does appear so but in fairness I don't have an issue at all in taking a gift of any type for and evening invite.

Generic TBH I hope you are right. We were wondering if it was a case of, "You would think X & X Raffles would have bunged us a bit more." Grin

Personally I'm old school and would love a little gift that doesn't cost much at all. No more than £10 would be great for me.

MagneticMan · 09/03/2018 09:24

Well it's not what they wanted/asked for, but as an off-list gift it sounds quite nice.

Just make sure everything has a long 'use by' date on it seeing as how they will be off on honeymoon straight after the wedding.

Rafflesway · 09/03/2018 09:24

an evening invite - bloody auto correct!

Loonoon · 09/03/2018 09:26

People are so kind and work so hard at getting 'the right gift' but sadly they so often get it wrong as taste is so subjective. If you give. Money you know it won't be wasted.
People here have mentioned silver picture frames - I'd hate that as to be they seem like an old people's thing (and I'm nearly 60), bed linen - very impersonal and do you know whether they have a standard double, a king or a super-king? And a nice crystal carafe. We got 3 for our wedding. They must have cost a fortune (2 Waterford and 1 Galway). They sat on a shelf for 18 years until we moved to a house with nowhere to display them and they we gave them to a charity shop.

ToastyFingers · 09/03/2018 09:26

BIL gives us a hamper for pretty much every Birthday/Christmas etc.

It's very thoughtful of him but 90% doesn't get used and is either given away or sits in the cupboard until it's expired.
I'd much, much prefer a tenner in a card, which I'd use to take the kids out for ice cream or something.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 09/03/2018 09:26

They would prefer cash if that's what they have asked for, but if that isn't your priority then just give them what you like.

If they are going on honeymoon right away make sure you don't include perishables in the hamper.

I'm not sure why people think it's rude to ask for money. Most people attending a wedding want to give something and if the couple already have everything they need for their home, there's not much point in them having a gift list of things they don't need.

Miserablemouse · 09/03/2018 09:27

We got married last year. Put a note on the invitations to say we really didn't want presents, but xyz would be helpful if people really wanted to. Most people gave us either cash or the xyz we'd mentioned (it's outing!) but we did get some personal presents too. Alot weren't to our taste but it was still nice to receive them and I felt very overwhelmed by everything we'd been given. I think it's the kindness that overwhelms you more than the gifts themselves.

Everyone got a thank you card with a couple of sentences thanking them for coming and for their gift, with reference to what it was and how we have/will use it. It took forever to write them but it's worth it and I hate it when people don't send them.

I think if you want to go with a hamper OP do it. They'd be terrible ungrateful not to appreciate it, especially if you fill it with things you know they'll like. You could even call it a "post-honeymoon hamper" for them to enjoy when they get home to fight off the post-wedding blues?

MargaretCavendish · 09/03/2018 09:33

Hampers are the kind of thing which seem like a lovely gift, but which are actually a bit inconvenient and guilt-inducing for the person getting it. There is inevitably stuff in there that you either don't like, or will only get through a bit of before it goes off, so that makes you feel guilty about the waste. And traditional picnic baskets look lovely but are actually much less practical as a picnic basket than a big coolbox, so end up sitting around the house with no clear purpose until someone finally feels heartless enough to get rid of it.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/03/2018 09:35

If the bride has specified they only want money as gifts and you dont like that then dont go to the wedding. Its selfish to take up a place and not contribute.

Merryoldgoat · 09/03/2018 09:38

We didn’t have a list - we said (in prose, NOT in a rhyme) that nothing is expected but if you’d LIKE to give a gift we’d appreciate honeymoon contributions or anything they thought we’d like.

Most gave us money, we had a few nice gifts (ornaments, a lovely homemade cake, coffee table books etc) and I expect a few people might not have got us anything but I’ve no idea as I didn’t ‘check’

I would’ve loved a hamper and would’ve saved it for my return from honeymoon - it’s a lovely gift.

Lovesagin · 09/03/2018 09:39

I take on board that £20 cash is better than a kick in the fanny, but it makes me feel embarrassed. So I'd much rather spend it on something that doesn't look as lowely as one £20 note.

I'm sure if you knew giving £20 cash made a guest feel awful, you wouldn't want them to feel that way?

And yes my kids do a santa list. For me. Because they are 9 and 6. Bit different to adults expecting their wedding and honeymoon to be paid for Hmm

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 09:40

'If the bride has specified they only want money as gifts and you dont like that then dont go to the wedding. Its selfish to take up a place and not contribute.'

Not contribute to what?! People choose to put on a wedding, no one is compelled to. If you want to recoup the cost of a party you elect to put on, then be upfront and sell the tickets rather than backhandedly expecting people to pay you the cost of it, it's more honest.

Is the bride marrying herself? Why this assumption only one person puts on a party to celebrate two people being married?

MargaretCavendish · 09/03/2018 09:46

I think people are really overestimating the extent to which their gift 'looks like more' than the money. If you buy a bottle, people know roughly what you've spent. Hopefully no one is counting or cares - I didn't when we got married - but if you think they're going to be totting up your cash and thinking you stingy, it's normally just as easy to do that with a present. In fact, I've read that people normally guess too low when they guess the cost of a gift they've been bought - I suspect some of those recipients of silver photo frames sending them straight to the charity shop would guess they cost less than half what they do, given how surprisingly expensive they are.

Mammyloveswine · 09/03/2018 09:47

We didn't ask for anything on the invites but my auntie suggested our parents tell people that thomas cook vouchers would be lovely... it was fab as nobody was obligated, we ended up with enough to book a weeks all inclusive in a very naice hotel in Greece... and conceived DS1 whilst there Grin

My sil got us a wonderfully personal gift that we love, a few people got us next vouchers, we got lots of champagne.. we did get a few "mr and mrs" items but i like them! As a teacher i have a cupboard dedicated to my cliche gifts as they always make me smile

TheJoyOfSox · 09/03/2018 09:51

I too hate the principal of giving money as a wedding gift, although I’ve done it in practice. It’s like being told “come to our party and pay us for the food you eat”
When we got married we stated on our invitation that the only presents we want is your presence to celebrate our day. People who wanted to give gifts we told them to get glasses and towels as they are always used.
Your hamper sounds lovely, I would have been overjoyed at receiving that.

Cakefortea1 · 09/03/2018 09:51

I went to Italy on my honeymoon & don’t like any of the food in that Italian themed hamper! I did not choose the location based on food. Think that’s a bizarre idea Confused

Lovesagin · 09/03/2018 09:53

I'm not overestimating at all, but there again I AM a bit of an expert at shopping around and can get something that should be £50-odd for £20-odd.

As I say, for me personally, it's the thought of a spotlight being shown on 'just' £20 in an envelope. And if I'm honest there is rebellion at being made to feel I should give more or being told exactly what to give. That's not what gifting, giving and receiving, is about, imo.

TroubledLichen · 09/03/2018 09:57

If you’re 110% certain they’ll love it then go for it but it’s better to spend the money on the honeymoon contribution knowing it’s what they want than to waste it on something they won’t like and will end up in the bin.

Personally I would have hated bed linen, hampers are a nice thought but some of it usually ends up in the bin (spiced orange chutney anyone?!). The only exception would be alcohol, but only if you know they will drink it. For example I bought a friend wine glasses from their John Lewis gift list but also bought them a really nice bottle of red as I know they love their red wine. We also got dozens of bottles of champagne (requested no gifts) and these were definitely appreciated!

apostropheuse · 09/03/2018 09:58

I wish, rather than having expensive weddings, people would just bugger off and get married - and pay for their own holiday. There's no need for these attention seeking over the top weddings. Everyone trying to outdo each other. Vulgar money grabbing guest lists and now money requests.

It would save a lot of people a log of angst and expense.

I bloody hate weddings Grin

TheRebel · 09/03/2018 10:00

If the bride has specified they only want money as gifts and you dont like that then dont go to the wedding. Its selfish to take up a place and not contribute.

But I don’t want to contribute to someone else’s wedding or honeymoon, you should live within your means. A few of our friends couldn’t afford the big white wedding without help from family which would have come with strings attached so they eloped, others agreed to the strings to get the wedding they wanted.

As another poster said, everyone knows cash is always welcome as a present and when it’s freely given is lovely, there’s no need to ask for it.