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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Off list wedding gifts

216 replies

restofthetimes · 08/03/2018 22:22

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

OP posts:

OVienna · 10/03/2018 15:19

What if quite a lot of guests go off list and the couple can't afford the honeymoon they would really like

This is one of the stupidest things I've read on the internet. Fuck's sake.

AuroraBora · 10/03/2018 15:27

Do the people who insist on not giving cash towards a honeymoon and instead give tat like a photo frame or toaster, not think about the wastage that buying unwanted presents creates?

Surely rather than giving something to someone that is never used and that eventually (many years down the line) ends up in landfill cluttering our planet, you could pay for them to have an experience. Or at least they can buy something that is useful to them with the cash and that item is used for many years before going to landfill.

We are getting married soon and I genuinely won’t care if I get no gifts. However I know people like to buy gifts for a wedding, so rather than not saying what we want and ending up with a load of duplicates of things we already own, we are saying we would like contributions towards a bed and mattress. Our old one is buggered and was second hand. Far more useful than us trying to store loads of bits we don’t have a use for.

Also, I have only once given a gift at a wedding, every other time I have given cash or requested vouchers. It is the norm now!!

Slanetylor · 10/03/2018 15:38

So I've been married 11 years and have moved 4 times since. I've bubble wrapped and carefully wrapped wedding gifts 3 of those times. But finally on the last move I was able to donate the mismatched frames, old fashioned wine glasses and giant pieces of ugly ( to me) art without guilt. And I NEVER have to see them again. Sweet relief. And people choose their own keepsakes. I despise people who try to remind you of your own personal memories, specially with something tacky that needs to be put on a wall.
Give money or vouchers.

dustarr73 · 10/03/2018 15:52

Give them cash if thats what they ask for.Otherwise it comes across as you know what the b an g want more than they do.Which is stupid.

LaurieMarlow · 10/03/2018 16:04

Odd that you'd worry about ten pounds cash being stingy, but a ten pound photo frame that they don't want is fine?

Exactly. I don't get this either.

If you're on a tight budget I can think of nothing worse than throwing money away on something that isn't wanted. It's pure waste.

As for brides complaining that the amount isn't generous enough, I don't know anyone in real life crass enough to do this.

AjasLipstick · 10/03/2018 21:41

Laurie but crass enough to actually ask for cash?

It's tacky to ask for money. The photo frame COULD be cheap but it's meant to be a memento of the day. Something to treasure because it was chosen with the recipient in mind.

Cash? Just....no.

LaurieMarlow · 10/03/2018 22:05

I don't see any difference whatsoever between a wedding list and politely asking for contributions to a honeymoon, in terms of manners. Both approaches direct guests to spend their money in a particular way. Of course if you're against wedding lists too then I guess that's different.

And you may see a photo frame as something to treasure/memento of the day, but that doesn't change the fact that the couple may not want it. They may already have lots, they may not be big into photos, it may not be to their taste.

It's still a big fat waste of money if they end up surreptitiously donating it to a charity shop.

I just don't understand why people can't take a practical approach. Or grasp that many people nowadays value experiences over stuff.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 10/03/2018 22:10

Some of our wedding presents ended up in DD's Wendy house. Which was fine. Unwanted durable kitchen stuff is great to furnish your first child's playhouse! There was a broken toaster with the flex removed in there too, but I can't remember where it was from.

The wedding I'm going to next month is on the other side of the country and means an overnight stay somewhere that isn't over-blessed with budget accommodation. The B&G would have been happy to get married locally but there are pressing family reasons for having it in that area, that are possibly outing so I won't detail them.

The standard wedding present value is about £50 for a couple now, which is far, far more than the usual present value we have between us as friends. I'm sure they'd be happy with a couple of bottles of decent wine but their families may think otherwise.

AjasLipstick · 10/03/2018 22:32

Laurie I don't like lists either.

People are so bloody mercenary that they can't cope with the thought of having two of the same thing (take one back!) or something they don't quite like. It's life!

TroubledLichen · 10/03/2018 22:51

Ajas how are you supposed to take back a duplicate wedding present if you receive say a toaster in a box with no receipt and no idea of where it was purchased? Also talk about hassle for the B&G and I don’t really see how that scenario would be any different than giving them cash in the first place since they’d presumably be returning for a refund. I don’t understand why you would want to buy either a duplicate gift or something they don’t like.

For what it’s worth, I actually agree with that asking for money is crass. We specified no gifts at our wedding as I didn’t feel comfortable asking for ‘stuff’ either but unless there’s a specific online wedding list I do usually gift money for sheer ease and because buying random tat is just wasteful. I’ve never had the misfortune to be invited to a wedding that actually asked for cash though.

LaurieMarlow · 10/03/2018 22:53

People are so bloody mercenary that they can't cope with the thought of having two of the same thing (take one back!) or something they don't quite like

We're on a totally different page on this. I think it's a terrible waste to give people things they neither want nor need.

For various reasons we didn't have a list. I regret that in retrospect. As I said on this thread or the other one we got given 3 wine decanters that we never use. I've no idea where they were bought and I'm mortified people spent their money on them. I don't think it's at all 'mercenary' to think that's a ridiculous. Quite the opposite.

evilharpy · 10/03/2018 22:54

We received something like fifteen silver photo frames, three Beleek china photo frames and a couple of glass ones. We are not fans of having framed photos around the place as we prefer art. Some are in my mum's house, some are in the cupboard, some did make it to the charity shop (eventually). We've been married ten years and never used a single one of them.

We also received some very nice, good quality tablecloths that didn't fit our table.

I'm grateful that people gave us gifts but I have to be honest, I'd have preferred a tenner in a card than stuff we had to store and felt huge guilt for eventually getting rid of.

When we go weddings we either give money or, if we know the couple well enoigh, champagne or decent wine to their taste.

HallowsandHorcruxes · 10/03/2018 23:08

We are getting married in the summer and would really rather no gifts at all but I realise people may want to give something to mark the occasion. I'm loathe to do a gift list as we just don't need stuff for our home and it would be so unnecessary. To be honest money would be great as we plan to move within the next year and it would be really helpful towards that but I am absolutely not asking for cash !

I have received the cash requests / poems etc and usually think 'great, an easy gift that they will actually appreciate / use' Like a previous poster we received so many photo frames / candle holders etc for our engagement, many of which are in the loft I would hate to think that is what became of a gift I bought.

kubex · 10/03/2018 23:15

I repeat...wasting money on a gift just to make a point about not giving cash is a dick move!

keepKalm · 10/03/2018 23:30

If you don't want to give money then why not just ask the couple what they would like or ask if they would mind if you get them a surprise.

oohyoudevilyou · 12/03/2018 08:56

It's the asking that I have a problem with. Are there really people who are so dim that they'd give a shit photo frame or toaster to a couple who didn't have a gift list? We all know that newlywed couples will have plans to redecorate/go on honeymoon/have babies so obviously you'd give money wouldn't you? Gratefully accepting money that guests freely choose to give is way different to penning a cheesy ode and asking for it IMO.

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