Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Off list wedding gifts

216 replies

restofthetimes · 08/03/2018 22:22

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

OP posts:
meditrina · 09/03/2018 07:01

If you want to give something different, then of course you can. Your culture should not be suppressed because the B&G come from a different one.

Just respect theirs enough to make sure that you do not bring gifts to a a 'no gift' event. You need to send it to them (or one of them for both) in advance.

TheTab · 09/03/2018 07:10

To be honest I'd just give the money, it's what they want and it's less hassle to just write a cheque then choose, shop for and wrap a present they may not like. I can think of nothing worse than getting half a dozen photo frames.

Morewashingtodo · 09/03/2018 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AjasLipstick · 09/03/2018 07:26

I hate money requests. It seems so crass...they know exactly what you've spent/can afford.

I always buy a gift. Bugger them!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/03/2018 07:32

I don't gift cash either so would go off list but we usually decline invites with a cash request on in the main.

Sparkletastic · 09/03/2018 07:33

Go with the hamper and don't do cash as well.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/03/2018 07:35

The thing is that asking for cash shames people who can't afford to give much money. A present is about the thought that went into it, not just the amount of cash. So I think anyone is within their rights to give a present rather than cash.
On the other hand, I personally would have no interest in a hamper of food when I can buy the food I want from Tesco.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2018 07:36

I don’t get the angst over this. If I’m going to spend £XX on a wedding gift I really don’t care whether that is as money or a physical thing. It’s still £XX.

I would far prefer the recipients have something they want rather than something I think they should have.

BrownTurkey · 09/03/2018 07:42

Selected wine is different from a hamper, sounds good. Stick to your budget and do one or the other I would say.

Afternoon · 09/03/2018 07:49

I think the hamper sounds a little Ely idea.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2018 07:49

For those that refuse to go to weddings that ask for money, would you refuse to go to a wedding of a couple who come from a culture where giving cash is the norm?

I assume some couples who ask for contributions towards the honeymoon are not necessarily asking because they can't afford the honeymoon but don't actually need anything else, don't want additional items (even if lovely) cluttering up their house but feel they need to put something down. With extra money they may be able to put it towards a meal at a fancy restaurant or a special trip within the honeymoon, which I would be happy to contribute to.

Not quite sure why people get funny about wedding lists, I thought they were normal and I find it much easier when presented with a list when buying a wedding present.

People saying that they don't like the thought that the couple will know how much they spent would also know if they had a traditional gift list. In my mind asking for money means that you can give as much or as little as you can afford. If the couple start comparing what friends have given them, then they are not good friends to have.

DH and I put wine glasses and vouchers for a local wine shop on our list Smile This meant some people could buy just one glass or give us £5 wine voucher. We didn't want people spending lots of money but knew that our friends would like to buy us a gift.

Yvest · 09/03/2018 07:54

Just give them money and don’t get all clever about buying something they probably don’t want or like. In theory a hamper is a good idea, in practice most of the items will probably sit in a cupboard until they get thrown out.

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/03/2018 07:58

A hamper ? I'd be sending that straight to the food bank. You're choosing a gift you'd like - not what the couple would like. I echo the poster who didn't want more stuff and clutter. Who the hell wants to store a bloody picnic hamper full of crap no one actually eats?

SpringEquinox · 09/03/2018 07:59

I think the 'money for honeymoon' request, is just a polite way of saying we would rather have money than a object - surely most honeymoons are budgeted and part paid for, if not totally, by the time of the wedding ? The couple aren't going to be totting up the cash and saying ' whoop, undo the suitcases and repack, we aren't going for a weekend in Brighton, its the Maldives for us ! '

Giving cash has been the custom in many cultures but not so much the traditional British one - we have become a more mixed society and aspects of our etiquette are changing . Giving cash at a wedding used to be from family members ( parents, grandparents , rich Aunt Lucy if you were really lucky) with other guests giving physical presents, with a list to guide them if they wanted it but with no obligation.

I remember going to weddings as a child, with a gift table which displayed things like kettles, crockery and tea towels on it because the couple were setting up home for the first time; when we got married, we already had the basics but had a list, if people asked , of an expensive dinner service ( as was the fashion then) that we were very happy indeed to get just a piece or two - accumulated gifts made up the entire set ! We also had lots of random gifts, all of which were appreciated. One SIL gave a trug, , with a set of gardening equipment, itwas our first tiny garden - that was so thoughtful and not something that would have occurred to us. People brought gifts with them, but they weren't displayed. My DD is getting married this year, was very reluctant to even consider gifts but has complied an online one because that is how most people we know like to do it now - all buying done in a few clicks and never seen by the giver, including some charity donation options.

I don't think there is anything wrong at all with saying money is an acceptable option - couching it as honeymoon contribution is a politer way of doing that. The couple are saved the bother of compliling a list of items. A thoughtful, personal, gift still a lovely idea, though - the hamper sounds delightful.

Gifts used to be part of the marking of a new, joint life - the equation I have seen on this thread of ' food and drink provided = cash sum expected ' misses the point of a wedding.

minipie · 09/03/2018 07:59

What if quite a lot of guests go off list and the couple can't afford the honeymoon they would really like?

Personally if someone tells me what they want as a gift, that's what I get them. If you told your DH you'd really like (say) a nice dinner out for your birthday, and he got you a hamper, how would you feel?

WannabeMathematician · 09/03/2018 08:01

So when we get married the people who didn't know us well (friends of parents etc.) Were the people who went off list and gave us stuff that didn't work for us.

I think it's a question of effort, you know them well so you are getting a thoughtful gift but if you were just doing it to not give them cash as a point often ends up on waste.

MsSquiz · 09/03/2018 08:05

We had a gift list on Prezola when we got married which included a mix of items we liked (varied prices), donations to Marie Curie as my Mam passed away 3 months before our wedding at a hospice and honeymoon vouchers (things like a honeymoon lunch, cocktails, etc)

But some of our closest friends chose to go "off list" and got us personal gifts they knew we would love.

We did the list for people who weren't sure what to get, but wanted to get us something. No gift was expected or assumed

I think a personal gift of something you know they would love is a great idea

Lovesagin · 09/03/2018 08:08

It's the "telling people we want X gift" that gets me. My 6 and 9 year olds know it's rude to demand a gift from anyone, if someone asked what they'd like, then fine, but to state the exact gift, seems really bad manners to me.

My budget for wedding gifts is usually around £20, I'd die of embarrassment if I had to put that in a card.

FinallyHere · 09/03/2018 08:16

I loved the way a friend managed this thorny question. Bride and Groom had both been married before, had all the household goods they ever needed and were reasonably comfortably off. Very popular, had a very small (parents and children only) actual ceremony followed by an evening dance in an absolutely unique venue, to which many, many people were invited

They made it absolutely clear that no presents were required, but that if anyone wanted to make a gift to mark the occasion, a bottle of bubby would be very much appreciated. Over the year that followed, they invited couples/small groups of guests to dinner, where the bottle given as a gift was opened and enjoyed together.

Just brilliant.

EndisinSight · 09/03/2018 08:22

I'm getting married in a few months and would prefer nothing at all instead of gifts which I specifically didn't ask for.

You may 'know' that the couple would like it but they're asking for money for a specific reason. You'd be rude to ignore it.

What's the issue with giving money? Can someone explain? If you're willing to spend on a gift just give them the cash!

Gwenhwyfar · 09/03/2018 08:24

"Surely the point of a gift is to make the receiver happy, not the giver?"

No, it's both. Why should the giver be made unhappy?

Lovesagin · 09/03/2018 08:25

My issue is I can normally only afford about £20, I can get a decent bottle of something that is always useful and appreciated but £20 note on its own looks awful.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 08:29

'What if quite a lot of guests go off list and the couple can't afford the honeymoon they would really like?'

Um, don't plan a holiday until you know you can pay for it. Hmm Or be more honest and charge admission.

'What's the issue with giving money? Can someone explain? If you're willing to spend on a gift just give them the cash!'

Because a lot of people feel a great deal of pressure to hand over more cash than they'd spend on a gift. A lot do! And you see on here. 'I can only afford to give them £20.' 'Oh, can you not save to give more/sell something so you can give them more/hitchhike there so you can save money on a taxi to give them more'?

Lovesagin · 09/03/2018 08:32

I remember seeing a few people on here say the average to give should be £50-100 I was [shocked]

Gwenhwyfar · 09/03/2018 08:32

"What's the issue with giving money? Can someone explain? "

People have explained End!
Read Lovesagain's post.