Off list wedding gifts

[restofthetimes]

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

kubex how rude are you?? We got a hamper for one wedding present and loved it.
My niece recently got married and we did her a hamper. They married in Italy so we put in Italian wines, high quality pasta, black and white truffles, truffle oil, extra virgin ( local to the area they married) olive oil, chocolates from the area, a really lovely Darlington crystal carafe, and lots of other delicious Italian foods.
If you know where they plan to honeymoon you could tailor the hamper to the area. Or you could use a really nice picnic hamper to pack the consumables into.
Although they want cash it’s still nice to receive a few presents and everybody who asks for money expects to still get some presents as they must know that not everybody is happy giving money.

You know them , go with your gut instinct. Everybody has to eat and if they are interested in food then they will love it.

And as for people saying that they gave their wedding presents to a charity shop as soon as they got back from honeymoon ....well words fail me. Maybe you should have asked for some manners instead of money as you are clearly missing them.

Why are people so difficult about this?

If I was getting married, the last thing I would want would be more bloody ‘stuff’. If people did insist on buying unwanted stuff despite me having clearly and specifically asked them not to, I would be seriously unimpressed.

Just get them what they have said they want, or nothing FFS.

Surely the point of a gift is to make the receiver happy, not the giver? They’ve told you what they want, it doesn’t really matter that you think you’ve come up with a better idea.

Plus surely a hamper would be difficult to cart around all day? Unless you drive to both the ceremony and reception I suppose.

@yorkshireyummymummy Why would you tailor a hamper to their honeymoon destination instead of just giving them money towards the honeymoon like they asked for??

The logic is just so ridiculous to me to!

When my DP and I get married, we are asking that, if they would like to, people donate to a specific charity instead of getting us a gift. If people chose to ignore this and buy us something, I would be quite upset.

@kubex we asked for no gifts and suggested donations to a charity that had supported DH’a late mother and my late grandmother during their last days. We set up a just giving page and explained our reasons for choosing the charity.

Some people still gave us gifts which reflected the givers tastes and not ours. We didn’t keep any of them.

I simply do not understand the aversion to cash. However I’m half Pakistani and cash gifts are the standard for Asian weddings. It doesn’t seem weird to me - just much more practical.

If you know where they plan to honeymoon you could tailor the hamper to the area

It would be quite ironic to buy them a hamper of Italian foods which reminds them of the honeymoon they couldn't afford to go to in Italy.

@Badgerlady how lovely of you! And what a shame people didn't respect your choice and got you gifts anyway.

I just don't understand why people ignore the wishes of the bride and groom.

yorkshire that is more like a Christmas or first anniversary present to remind them of their wedding. If they wanted Italian groceries they could have bought them when they were there. Of course they would have been polite and said they liked it. You could have bought them something Italian that would have lasted a lifetime to remind them of their wedding. I'm not trying to be nasty but if they have asked for money you have could have thought of a better alternative than food. I see you did buy a Darlington carafe, but why not an Italian carafe, and some money to go with it?

The bride organises a great wedding day, usually a sit down meal and party afterwards that caters for everyone. In exchange they expect something useful in return, which is why they often say what they need as a list. In this case they need help with the honeymoon. In which case they are either spending too much on the wedding, or could just sell tickets to the event.

A wedding is a celebration, not a fucking monetary transaction. Weddings can also costs a fortune to attend for many people, so being able to give what would be considered 'enough' cash as a gift may be beyond them.

exactly, gifts are meant to be about the person who receives them and theyve asked for money probably because they dont want to be given random stuff. i'd go with what they want.

"It would be quite ironic to buy them a hamper of Italian foods which reminds them of the honeymoon they couldn't afford to go to in Italy."

Asking for money for the holiday is quite normal these days. I would just do it.

Of course you can give them what you want to but why not give them what they would like to receive?

The bride organises a great wedding day, usually a sit down meal and party afterwards that caters for everyone. In exchange they expect something useful in return

No. You invite someone to be your guest. That is all. Is an entrance fee going to become a thing?

Imagine the day after the wedding the groom said to bride, you know that honeymoon we were planning, well its cancelled because we cant afford it. Guests thought all we were worth was a gravy boat and bed linen.

That's why you don't book a wedding and holiday you can't afford and crowd fund it from your guests.

Book a wedding and honeymoon you csn afford.

Can't believe this poster.

I don't understand the honeymoon destination hamper.

We were going to do them a selection of very posh wine as dh has an amazing cellar and they live wine. I think now we might do both, cash gift plus wino.

Out of interest, why do people seem to hate the cash gift thing so much?

We had a registry, but we have friends who've done both and just given them what they've wanted.... I don't get the angst over giving cash. I wouldn't if not asked as I think it seems like I couldn't be arsed to find a gift, but if that's what they have specifically asked for...?

I think you should give them what you want. I always ignore wedding gift lists, they seem so grabby

The bride organises a great wedding day, usually a sit down meal and party afterwards that caters for everyone. In exchange they expect something useful in return, which is why they often say what they need as a list. In this case they need help with the honeymoon.

Would guests like it if they turned up and bride said there is a fish and chip shop down the road, order what you like I dont feel comfortable sorting out food for you?

Imagine the day after the wedding the groom said to bride, you know that honeymoon we were planning, well its cancelled because we cant afford it. Guests thought all we were worth was a gravy boat and bed linen.

I don't even know where to start with this pile of nonsense.

I never give money or consult a list. Your gift sounds perfect.

Sadly some people have forgotten what gifting actually means nowadays and are very grabby. I always rebel against this.

Just bing £40 in a card and move on.

There are a number of reasons for hating cash gifts.

If you can’t afford a honeymoon don’t expect your guests to pay, How much to give? What if I give 1 friend £100 but 2 years later I can only afford to give another friend £50, will they think I like them less? Do I give more to the people who had an expensive wedding venue or am I supposed to cover the cost of my meal? What if I don’t give enough and they think I’m stingy? If I give a lot of money to someone less well off than me will it look patronising? If they’re better off than me do I need to give more because they’ll expect more?

I much prefer to give a gift because the monetary value isn’t immediately obvious and if it is cheap it can be thoughtful and remind the user of the giver.

Bung- my bloody phone autocorrects to Bing. I blame my two year old.

OP, I think a hamper is a thoughtful gift, but there is a risk that someone will do the same thing. We were given 3 hampers, 3 wine coasters & no less than 6 decanters off list. All lovely, kind, thoughtful gifts, but obviously no one needs 3 picnic hampers. We’ve not yet managed to use them, although when we do, it will be one fancy picnic! I may convert one into a dressing up box for DD. I understand why you would rather give a gift, as it is more personal, but try to see if from their perspective, and consider giving them what they asked for.

We’re getting married next year and we’re asking for gift vouchers for a particular shop, that way we can buy some new outdoor furniture.

Everyone we’ve told about the wedding has asked if we’re having a wishing well so cash / gift vouchers are the norm in our circle of friends/family.