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Original poster

Off list wedding gifts

216 replies

restofthetimes · 08/03/2018 22:22

Been invited to a wedding where the gift list is basically- money please for our honeymoon. Couple already live together and don’t need any things.
Wibu to go off list and give them a nice hamper of v high quality consumables I know they like?
Dh and I had a traditional wedding list but people went off list and some of our nicest memories are random object and art works people thought we’d love (and do).
I didn’t mind at all, but when people put money and you then give a gift, they might be miffed....?

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/03/2018 18:38

Maybe the compromise would be for the bride to produce a honeymoon wedding gift list and people can buy whatever item they prefer from that, in the full knowledge that it will be used and it will be enjoyed. And no one has to gift cash.

Items like: Flights or luggage, extra leg room, hotel, car hire, day trips, booze allowance, restaurant vouchers, insurance, entrance fees etc etc

and anytime in the future they hire a car they can reminisce about the lovely car that auntie so and so hired them on their honeymoon.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/03/2018 18:44

But walking for some people on here that would still be wrong as there should be no list

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/03/2018 18:49

some people on here that would still be wrong as there should be no list How the heck are 150 relatives and friends are all going to actually be able to magically know something that you would like to have as a gift? A lot of them you probably haven't seen in years. Its such a waste.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 18:55

Because all your guests are just going to give you hampers and toasters if you don't tell them to hand over cash Hmm.

LaurieMarlow · 09/03/2018 20:25

I just can't fathom why you wouldn't give the couple what they've asked for.

Or why you would be happy to spend £50 on a toaster but not exactly the same amount as a contribution to a honeymoon you know the couple will enjoy.

LaurieMarlow · 09/03/2018 20:27

We got 3 wine decanters. None of which have ever been used. And two cake stands. Ditto.

GenericUser · 09/03/2018 20:48

*Big birthday for me this summer. I am getting fuck all as far as I know.

I will see if I can rustle up some money for the eurostar by myself but thats about it*

To be clear, what I mean is I wouldn't pay towards someone going on holiday for their birthday, but if they were already booked to go away I would give them money for holiday spends, rather than giving them another bottle of bubbly or another candle or something as a birthday gift.

Which I think is the same as giving money for the honeymoon - the bride and groom are already going on honeymoon, regardless of whether any wedding guests give money as a gift. The money given as a gift is for something nice on their honeymoon.

Granted, people don't include a mention of gifts on birthday party invites. But I always get my friends something for their birthdays, and certainly wouldn't dream of turning up at a birthday party without a gift, so it's not that different.

Dipitydoda · 09/03/2018 20:54

Why not gift them something they want? Weddings are different now than 50 years ago. No days people have everything for their house (often 2 where they have moved in together. Often spent a small fortune on the wedding so really what they need at that time is not another toaster, another ornament to take up more room in the house already accommodating two households worth of crap or 10 silver picture frames to shove on their over crowded mantlepiece. What they need is cash to help them fund a holiday of s lifetime. If you must give f&m your cash rather than give it to the bride and groom at least they can eat their way through it rather than squeeze it into their home

ineedaholidaynow · 10/03/2018 08:56

DH and I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the invitation specified no gifts but instead requested we bring a plate to share and a bottle. So I guess technically we did pay for our 'plate'. Did we mind, of course not? Did we think, grabby people how dare they ask for something Hmm. Just as well people didn't go off list and buy silver photo frames, towels, bedding as they would have looked good on the buffet table!

This couple have been through some trauma, which is still on going, and we were happy to be able to enjoy their special day with them. Relatives clubbed together and paid for a mini honeymoon for them too.

I am assuming a few people on this thread would have boycotted this wedding, as it appears the B&G were only thinking of themselves and should have only had the wedding they could afford.

TheRebel · 10/03/2018 11:08

I am assuming a few people on this thread would have boycotted this wedding, as it appears the B&G were only thinking of themselves and should have only had the wedding they could afford.

I actually think that sounds like a really nice wedding and I’d be happy to contribute to a pot luck meal. What I object to is someone booking a stately home or castle at over £100 per head, plus a cruise around the Caribbean that they can’t afford and expecting their guests to “contribute” when most people wouldn’t normally spend that amount of money on a meal at a restaurant. When cash is requested people feel pressure to put in a certain amount so as not to look cheap when really a gift should just be a token to say I was thinking of you, not a return on an investment.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 11:11

'DH and I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the invitation specified no gifts but instead requested we bring a plate to share and a bottle. So I guess technically we did pay for our 'plate'. Did we mind, of course not? Did we think, grabby people how dare they ask for something hmm. '

Erm, no, it's a potluck wedding. Very different from people having a flashy party and then expecting people to hand over cash to pay for it.

ItsuAddict · 10/03/2018 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Afternoon · 10/03/2018 11:46

If someone said "bring a plate" I would have taken just a plate with no food on, until I saw on MN it meant food!

AjasLipstick · 10/03/2018 12:17

afternoon me too! Lol. People say it a lot in Oz....I luckily never actually brought an empty plate. Again thanks to MN!

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 10/03/2018 12:29

It would be the height of arrogance and dimness to book a honeymoon you couldn't actually afford, in the hope that your guests will give you enough money to pay for it.

I don't know why I don't feel comfortable giving money as a wedding gift. It's something to do with the value of it being front and centre, I think.

I've been invited to a wedding next month that's going to cost us a fortune to attend. The B&G are our friends and we do wish them well, but it's making me resentful that we'll have to give a substantial present. The bride is one of my oldest friends but we've never been the sort to give each other big presents. Bottle of wine that we know the other likes for birthdays and the odd dinner out is the limit, plus a few little presents for our kids when they were small. It isn't being tight, it's just what we do. Weddings come around, and we're expected to give out wads of cash.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 10/03/2018 12:38

No, loads of people will do the same and the happy couple will be inundated with personalised shite from Not on the high St and photo frames.

Lethaldrizzle · 10/03/2018 12:38

I'm happy to give money but ignore wedding lists. Just be grateful for what you get - 50 hampers, 3 wine decanters - whatever!

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 13:47

' The B&G are our friends and we do wish them well, but it's making me resentful that we'll have to give a substantial present. The bride is one of my oldest friends but we've never been the sort to give each other big presents. '

Then why on Earth are you handing over a 'substantial present'? She's not much of a friend if she's expecting that knowing everyone spent a fortune getting to their wedding. Maybe if people stopped enabling this sort of entitled behaviour folks would reign it in rather than going even more and more OTT with the hen/stag dos, 'showers', expecting the attendants to pay huge whack for outfits that don't suit them and even shoes that hurt their feet, flashy weddings and big honeymoons they can't afford.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 13:53

Or decline invitations that cost a fortune. Just make up some excuse. Or tell them, 'I'm so sorry, but I cannot afford it' if you truly can't.

restingbemusedface · 10/03/2018 14:01

Why are people so spiteful on MN (‘if they ask for cash they get nothing’). If I knew someone thought like that who id invited to my wedding then I wouldn’t want them there.

What exactly is wrong with a cash gift if you already have everything you need? Surely giving cash is easier for everyone? It’s extremely wasteful to give gifts to people who don’t want or need them. And in some cultures it’s extemely rude not to give money to the bride and groom.

I feel like all the cash gift haters on here got married 20 years ago and still have 5 unboxed sets of crystal wine glasses in the cupboard and begrudge the fact that these days it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for cash instead.

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 14:12

'What exactly is wrong with a cash gift if you already have everything you need? Surely giving cash is easier for everyone? It’s extremely wasteful to give gifts to people who don’t want or need them. And in some cultures it’s extemely rude not to give money to the bride and groom.

I feel like all the cash gift haters on here got married 20 years ago and still have 5 unboxed sets of crystal wine glasses in the cupboard and begrudge the fact that these days it’s perfectly acceptable to ask for cash instead.'

Surely you've read on here how many people feel pressurised to give more than they can afford if told in the invitation that cash is the only acceptable gift Hmm? And still others who tell someone '£20 is really tight! Couldn't you save so you can give more?' even when it's cost the guest a mint to get to the wedding. Surely you understand that cultural norms in other cultures are just that, norms for that country and culture and no bearing on norms in other cultures Hmm? Surely if you have everything you need, then it goes to follow you don't need someone else's money, either Hmm?

Megs4x3 · 10/03/2018 14:24

Wedding gifts are fraught with issues so Im glad I don't know anyone who is likely to invite me to a wedding. Even cash is problematic as it's not unknown for a bride to whinge that it wasn't generous enough. Ugh!!!!!

expatinscotland · 10/03/2018 14:35

'Even cash is problematic as it's not unknown for a bride to whinge that it wasn't generous enough. Ugh!!!!!'

You see it on here. An OP posts something like, I'm a single mum who's a student and works part-time. The wedding is costing me £200 to attend that I had to save for a year for and the couple want cash but the poem says 'your presence is our present'. I can only afford a tenner/20 quid. I feel terrible.

Cue plenty of posts, 'Can't you save to give them more/sell something/hitchhike there to give the difference to the couple?' 'You should cover your plate + add in more.' 'That's really tight. I'd probably just not go if all I could give is a tenner.'

carefreeeee · 10/03/2018 14:50

I think it's the guest's own fault if they worry about the amount. The b and G won't care and if they do that's their problem. Odd that you'd worry about ten pounds cash being stingy, but a ten pound photo frame that they don't want is fine? Just don't give anything if you are that worried

Fifthtimelucky · 10/03/2018 14:59

I was married over 25 years ago and, while I don't have five boxes of unused crystal glasses, I do have some. When I use them, I always think of the friends who gave them to us.

Like most brides of my generation, I made a wedding list. Anyone who asked what we wanted was asked to phone my sister. Some things were very specific (eg various bits of Denby crockery). Some weren't (eg an extension lead). Lots of people didn't ask and just chose their own thing. Some of those items (eg my fruit bowl) are still in daily use. I didn't get any toasters, but did have a silver photo frame, which is still on display with a wedding photo in it!

To me, a present is much more personal than money and I prefer to give presents than cash. But at all the weddings I have been to in the last few years, when I have asked about presents, I have been told that the bride and groom would prefer cash, so that is what I have given.

I do think if you are going to go to a wedding, you ought to try and give a present you know the bride and groom are likely to want - either because they have asked for it or because you know them well enough to be able to choose something appropriate.