To want to leave him over this?

[loveheartsandchoc]

I want to have kids and have always told Dh that I want 1 or 2. I told him this even before getting married and he agreed to it.

He is now back tracking saying that our lives are good as they are. He already has kids from a previous relationship and he feels that he is done. He says he hates being responsible for kids and enjoys the lie ins when they are not around. He said why would I want to ruin our lives?

I am beyond annoyed. His kids are not an annoyance to be tolerated (that is how he sees it). This alone makes me not want to have kids with him anyway, how can he talk about his own children like that.

If we did have kids together I feel like he would take all the joy out of the pregnancy and raising of the child anyway as he views it all so negatively. And to top it all off expecting me to help with raising his kids and have none of my own is a bit too much. I feel that he is very selfish and acts like a spoiled child. Sorry for the rant!

He is a shit for misleading you but he has put his cards on the table now. He doesn't want children, he would resent you / them if you have them.

Having children is a binary decision. You can't compromise.

LTB

If you want children, you probably need to leave and find someone else. Sorry you’re in this position.

If your plans for the future are this incompatible then yes, you shouldn't probably leave.

Thinking that your want for children is more important than his not to is wrong though.

We have 2 children and certainly sometimes miss being a couple without responsibilities.

I'm sorry OP but I don't see a future for the two of you. He has already lied and deceived you and as you say, his attitude towards his children is awful. He is not the life partner for you.

I'd leave him, his attitude towards children is shit.

I don't think my want for children is more important than his want to not have them!
We had many discussions about this before getting married and he said he wanted them. I would not have married him if he said he didn't want children then. He is the one changing the rules here, not me. Seems like he lied to get married and thought he could drag it out as long as possible.

I'd leave.

Also its not like we're already a couple 'without responsibilities'. He has children already!

Horrible situation to be in OP I would have a frank conversation with him about how he went about this, and then mention (if this is what you want to do) that you'd consider an amicable divorce as your future plans are incompatible. You're not trumping his wishes, but he did mislead you. Don't compromise for him as you'll be the one short changed.

Views on kids is a deal breaker for me if we're not on the same page. It's a major decision that affects your life whether you choose to have them or not

I couldn't stay with someone who did this. Quite apart from my wanting to have children is too strong (if I'd not been able to have children naturally I'd have gone down the adoption route), the deception and lack of concern about what I want in life would destroy any love I had for someone.

I would leave him, ASAP, do you still have a chance of having children another way.

I'm sorry you're in this situation

Slightly different as neither of us wanted DCs - but I changed my mind. Accepted this was my choice and said we needed to separate (amicably) if DH still didn’t want DCs. We stayed together and have 2 DCs - but I would have left as the relationship was not sustainable otherwise - so follow what you want to ensure your own happiness - good luck.

Leave. The resentment will fester and you'll know he stopped you having children

This is quite a fundamental issue which will define your future.
He is not the man you thought you'd married. He tricked you and may do the same on other important issues.
Honestly, I'd leave if children and oncoming trust without resentment were important to me.
Not fun, but in the long run you'll look back with relief when you're with someone who wants what you want x

Sounds like perhaps he didn’t really want children in his previous relationship but went along with it to keep her happy? And it didn’t work?

Either way he has misled you. Sorry you are in this situation.

Absolutely leave - he has misled you over something incredibly important. Even if he reluctantly gives in now, would you really want children with him, knowing how he is with those he already has? Time to cut your losses.

I'm not sure his comments mean that he has an awful attitude to his own kids, how many parents do you see on here saying "I love them but bloody hell it's hard work at times" I'd guess that's what he means, having small children is draining and tying no matter how much you love them, so he's fine to not want any more.
BUT
he misled you into believing he did want them and this is very wrong.
If you can't contemplate a life without kids then I'd say you do need to walk away now. Don't try to change his mind, at best you'll end up sitting at home with a baby whilst dh does his own thing and tells you "I said I didn't want any more"
Best of luck op, you have a shit decision to make.

He lied and he's changing the deal you made in a fundamental way. If you want children, leave. He doesn't sound like he'd be much of a father anyway.

Aww sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a horrible situation.

You were honest and upfront at the start. I don't think your being unreasonable to want to leave him over this. I think you would bitterly regret not having children :-( My children are now teenagers, the best company and I have loved every stage of them growing up. I can't imagine how my life would be without them.

I don't think an ultimatum would be unreasonable here. Even if he agrees to children, by your own admission he doesn't seem to love being a Dad. Only you can decide if this is your future.

I think you have no option but to leave. He sounds really selfish and cold.

Expect promises of "next year" if you say you are leaving. I imagine he won't want to lose his babysitting assistant if he hates parenting his own DC that much.

He is now turning it around on me saying that I don't even know if I want 1 or 2 so how do I know I even want them.

He also said that maybe he'll have 1 with me. It's just so disrespectful. Should I be overjoyed that he 'may' be willing to have 1 with me 'if he has to'. I want to have kids with someone who would be as happy about it as me, not treat it as the ruining of our lives! I said well what if I wanted a second and he said no way. I said well it would have to be by sperm donor then. That shut him up.

He lied to get you to marry him, to secure help looking after his kids.

Now he’s showing his true colours. Selfish men do not make good husbands or fathers.

It’s hard but you will have to accept that he’s betrayed you and find a decent partner to kids with instead.

He would resent you if you have children and you will resent him for not having children. You should leave. Does he do anything for his kids when he has them or does he leave you to look after them?

I'd leave too op. He's moved the goalposts and told you what he thinks of the kids he already has. Sounds a bit of a douche.

OH op l am sorry this is horrible.

You were very fair and responsible discussing kids before committing to marriage, and now he has turned out to be a liar, destroying your dreams.

Personally l couldn't forgive the fundamental dishonesty and would want to end this marriage now.

You’re incompatible so I would break up