To want to leave him over this?

[loveheartsandchoc]

I want to have kids and have always told Dh that I want 1 or 2. I told him this even before getting married and he agreed to it.

He is now back tracking saying that our lives are good as they are. He already has kids from a previous relationship and he feels that he is done. He says he hates being responsible for kids and enjoys the lie ins when they are not around. He said why would I want to ruin our lives?

I am beyond annoyed. His kids are not an annoyance to be tolerated (that is how he sees it). This alone makes me not want to have kids with him anyway, how can he talk about his own children like that.

If we did have kids together I feel like he would take all the joy out of the pregnancy and raising of the child anyway as he views it all so negatively. And to top it all off expecting me to help with raising his kids and have none of my own is a bit too much. I feel that he is very selfish and acts like a spoiled child. Sorry for the rant!

@loveheartsandchoc - do you really think he could change his mind about having children with you and really mean it and be a different person with his child that you have7?
Only you have the answer to this and, I guess, this is what you are probably considering x

@Tistheseason17
It's so hard. I felt sure about leaving him yesterday. Now, I don't know. He seems to be really apologetic and is making all the right noises. He says he will have 2 children now and claims he will be excited when the time comes. I still don't know whether it's the right thing to do. I don't want him to feel forced into having more children if he doesn't like the responsibility of being a dad. But at the same time I want to be a Mum. So it's confusing.
I also really don't like the idea of divorce but if it was my only option to have kids then I would have to do it. I also love him a lot and enjoy the time we spend together. So I don't know.

He has his children and is denying you one. He married you under false pretences. You could get an annulment for that. Sadly, I think your marriage is over. A friend of my mother had a husband who kept putting off having children for years and she accepted his excuses and put up with it even though she desperately wanted them. He had an affair, got the other woman pregnant and left her. She has never had her own family and is very bitter.

Leave him, this is the very essence of ‘irreconcilable differences’.

@loveheartsandchoc
I do understand. When I met my DH he neither wanted marriage nor children and I said I didn't either. I took the view that who knows what they want when they first get together. In my head I had decided that if he had not changed his mind in 1 yr I would move on. Fortunately, within 6 months he had decided we had to have children and marriage had to come first.

I took a gamble as I was at an age where I could afford to. Your situation is somewhat different - he changed his mind the other way.

My suggestion would be to tell him to have a good think about it. Tell him that he shouldn't agree to children to appease you as children are shared and not yours only. Ask him to think about how he would treat these children and why would it be any different to how he feels about the children he already has - it really should not be.

Give him a set timescale to think about it. Maybe a max of a month. Ask him to talk to his friends or even a counselor about what he is feeling.

He may well feel differently when a baby arrives - but he may be just the same as he is with his current children and it's not fair on your children to be with parents where only one of them truly loves them and is pleased to see them.

It's a really tough decision and I do not envy you. Perhaps he just needed this kick up the backside from you and it will change. Just don;t be in a rush to get pregnant and end up out of the frying pan and into the fire

Leave him. Honestly, not sure there is any coming back from that without you becoming bitter and angry.

He has deceived you i think.

And the attitude towards his own kids tbh would make me question if he us even capable of being a decent parent. Selfish.

You can do better.

So it's confusing
I bet it is. How about counselling?

To be fair, nobody really knows how they will take up to parenting for each child they have. A family member of fine always wanted to be a mum, was a very maternal person, great with babies etc...and indeed loved any minute of it with her first, but had a complete different experience with her second who was a much harder child. She loves him, but she says she doesn't enjoy being a mum as much second time and has vowed to never have a third even though she always talked about having 3 or 4.

Similarly, a friend of mine desperately wanted a child with her partner (she was 38) and he wouldn't hear of it (he had two adults kids he didn't have a good relationship with). She went ahead and had an 'accident', which led to them separating as he was furious with her, but they got back together after the baby was a few months old and the baby is now an 8 yo totally adored by her dad. He said he enjoyed being a dad so much more this time because he is more mature.

So really, it's impossible to predict the future. You'll just have to make a decision and accept it.

I would not have married him if he said he didn't want children then

This is the crucial point. He married you under false pretences so I’m afraid I’d walk away now. You can’t go ahead and have children with this man now and just hope that he’ll ‘be excited when the time comes’, it’s not fair in either of you or the children. Cut your losses and find somebody else with the same priorities and raise a family with somebody who can give you and your children 100%

He married you under false pretences
I really don't get why posters are insisting on this. No-one knows that is the case, so why jumping to this conclusion?

From what OP is saying, he sounds more like a man torn apart between wanting kids and being scared of the impact of having more. His words sound more like those of a tired man than a deceitful one.

raise a family with somebody who can give you and your children 100%
There is no such thing unless you demand they do a sperm test before getting with them and you can't guarantee that IVF would work or adoption would be agreed.

Is he a good father in practice to the DC he already has? How many nights a month does he have them, and who does the work? Does he and has he always paid fair maintenance?

I think he is telling you that faced with losing you, he would rather feign willing and pretend to enjoy being a parent all over again. Take your time here and think about whether or not this is the father you want for your children.

It's difficult not to jump to that conclusion @swingofthings because he should be old enough to make a decision either way and then not go back on it.
@Dozer Yes he is a good father in practice. Pays generous maintenance, has them nearly half the time, takes them out places, ensures they are fed/bathed/done homework etc. All the normal stuff. He just doesn't enjoy it and often refers to kids in terms of ruining your life. For example a friend of his whose wife is pregnant with their first child, he said they have no idea what they have done.

You are not getting it OP and acting very immature yourself by not appreciating that people do change their minds.

What would happen if you experience a very bad pregnancy, a lot of sickness, than a traumatic birth and then post natal depression and it's so bad, you decide that one is enough. In the meantime, your OH decides that he loves being a dad again, finds it much easier this time and says to you he wants to try for number 2 right away.

How will you feel then if he accused you of misleading him because you said before marriage that you wanted two kids and you should be old enough to go back on that decision, regardless of your reasons.

You are letting your pain cloud your judgement OP.

I wouldn't trust this man with my car keys let alone my future.... and I'm sorry your getting a hard time over this OP... you sound genuinely lovely... please think carefully about the instantaneous changes in your DH's responses to the same questions just 24 hours apart..... this is a man who could rip your world from under you in a heart beat and ... not look back.. please... find someone who treasures your love and cherishes your wishes and shares your dreams

If you really believe he lied to you, rather than genuinely changed his mind, that’s a “deal breaker” IMO.

I wouldn’t want what would be his DC3 (and perhaps 4) with a man who felt that way about fatherhood. I’d respect his efforts to be a good parent in tricky circumstances but wouldn’t want to have DC with him.

@swingofthings I don't feel I am being immature. I think it would be naive of me to blindly believe that he has just changed his mind without even considering the fact that he could have known this when we got married.
The hypothetical scenario you provided doesn't really work as I said I want one or two children. I won't know about no. 2 until I've had no.1. But I need to know the option is there.

It's such an awful position to be in

Op - I think you, and only you, know whether this change of heart is real. How he has gone from saying kids wreck your life, saying no kids with you and when you said you'd leave, said ok then leave - to wanting two kids with you and being enthusiastic and insisting he will be a loving parent.

i have to say, I'm not sure I could trust him not to reverse that decision. Or worse, go through with it but treat your children as the worst decision he's ever made.

He is allowed to change his mind. But you also have a right to know where you stand. And he can't keep flim flamming around. It is just stringing you along when I'm sorry to say, for women, time is never on your side

@swingofthings He has clearly said he doesn't enjoy being a parent. So you think he came over all paternal, then changed his mind, and now he's changed it again. I don't think so and OP is better placed to judge than you.

How he has gone from saying kids wreck your life, saying no kids with you and when you said you'd leave, said ok then leave - to wanting two kids with you and being enthusiastic and insisting he will be a loving parent.

Seems to me he is trying to save the marriage. Hard to know what would be the right thing for him to do in these circumstances.

Jaygee- but if they are inherently incompatible saying these things won't save the marriage will they?

If he genuinely doesn't want children (as he has said before) but says this to the op, the situation will end up as I said, either him changing his mind again or having kids which he doesn't want.

To be honest it's an awful situation.

But I think he has to tell the op the truth. If he doesn't want kids he has to tell her. keeping her dangling on promises is just not fair.

That's why I said only the op knows if his latest change of heart is real. To me it doesn't sound it. Just someone saying all the right things to save the marriage.

I don't know why people are so keen on trying to analyse this man's motive from the few words he has supposedly say.

My point is that I know it is possible to change your mind about having children because it has happened to both myself and my OH.

Loveheart, if you genuinely believe that he has tricked you in telling you he wanted kids when he never meant it -and yes, it is a possibility, all I'm trying to say is that it is not the ONLY one-, then why are you focusing on the child thing when this would highlight not just that he is a deceiving person, but a calculating manipulator. In that case, why are you even considering staying with him?

This happened to my friend.
She stayed. I suspect it was a deliberate lie (as there were other little ones)
I've noticed his treatment of her has deteriorated. He's not always kind.

Be careful about staying or even havingredients babies with him. Even harder to leave him them.

What I'm struggling is the DH's attitude towards the DCs he already has, not the fact that he's unsure about having more. As I said before, my DH was sure he didn't want any more kids, we have to know the limits of what we can cope with.

But I am concerned about him saying that he hates being responsible for his DCs, and he doesn't even have them full time. It doesn't bode well.

From what the OP is saying, it is a deal breaker and no one should agree to habit kids just to stop his partner from ending the marriage.

Even if he genuinely changed his mind - people do. it's perfectly reasonable, and sensible to leave him. He showed you his true thoughts, my guess is that he us smooth talking you. I reckon he will say we will postpone trying until a, y and z happens which of course they never will. Unless he us happy to ttc tonight then I'd be suspicious.