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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave him over this?

203 replies

loveheartsandchoc · 20/01/2018 09:58

I want to have kids and have always told Dh that I want 1 or 2. I told him this even before getting married and he agreed to it.

He is now back tracking saying that our lives are good as they are. He already has kids from a previous relationship and he feels that he is done. He says he hates being responsible for kids and enjoys the lie ins when they are not around. He said why would I want to ruin our lives?

I am beyond annoyed. His kids are not an annoyance to be tolerated (that is how he sees it). This alone makes me not want to have kids with him anyway, how can he talk about his own children like that.

If we did have kids together I feel like he would take all the joy out of the pregnancy and raising of the child anyway as he views it all so negatively. And to top it all off expecting me to help with raising his kids and have none of my own is a bit too much. I feel that he is very selfish and acts like a spoiled child. Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
HughLauriesStubble · 20/01/2018 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggsonHeads · 20/01/2018 11:38

Leave.

MumW · 20/01/2018 11:39
Flowers Sorry you find yourself in this position. By calling your bluff, he has shown just how little you and your relationship means to him. Tell him you're not just leaving him, you're throwing him out.

Tell him he's the one who has to leave. Pack his bags and tell him to go right now.

DerelictWreck · 20/01/2018 11:39

Hang on. In the space of 1 hour and 18 mins you went from 'let's ask mumsnet if this is unfair' to telling him it's over and you're leaving?

Gemini69 · 20/01/2018 11:40

Now you need to get him out of your home OP Flowers

MumW · 20/01/2018 11:43

DerelictWreck
I disagree. OP had already decided that she probably wanted to leave. She was asking if MumsNet thought she was being unreasonable.

supersop60 · 20/01/2018 11:46

Derelict - this is AIBU. Posters don't hold back.
OP - YANBU.
Don't give him an ultimatum because that's giving him the power over the decision. If having children is more important to you than being with him and without children, then you must ask him to leave.
When I was pg with DD, I gave my DP the option to stay or go (he'd assumed I would have an abortion). I said "I'm going to have this baby - you can be involved or not"

DerelictWreck · 20/01/2018 11:47

MumW

Fair enough! I suspect I just take too long to decide things but each to their own!

Original poster
loveheartsandchoc · 20/01/2018 11:52

Well it's not just today in that he's been expressing how much he hates looking after his own kids. Just that he's now said he doesn't want any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveheartsandchoc · 20/01/2018 11:53

I've just had enough and have felt this was coming for a while. It's a non negotiable thing for me, having kids is a big deal. I don't see how I could stay so don't think it is quick to decide. I have always known I wanted children.

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 20/01/2018 11:54

How old are you OP?
It sounds like you've tried to discuss this properly and he seems very unwilling. Ask him to leave. Your kids deserve to have a dad who's 100%.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 20/01/2018 11:54

YWNBU to leave him over this, you were up frint before marrying and he lied to get you down the isle.
If you want to have children, you need to find another partner.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/01/2018 11:55

Surely you could tell by how he was with his own children that he very likely didn't want more? I'm guessing he has them the bare minimum judging by your comments.

He is entitled to change his mind and say no just as you are entitled to leave.

onalongsabbatical · 20/01/2018 12:00

loveheartsandchoc I think your decisiveness and clarity does you credit. I think it's clear he hasn't changed his mind but has been stringing you along hoping you'd just stay with him by default. He's getting what he deserves. Good luck.
Has he got somewhere to go, today? Family?

chickenowner · 20/01/2018 12:01

Whether or not to have children is just impossible to compromise on. If it is important to you then I believe that you have to rethink your relationship.

In may case, I don't want children. Luckily neither does my DP, but if he had wanted to then I would very sadly have had to split up with him. It's just a non-negociable for me, as it is for you.

Flowers
Urubu · 20/01/2018 12:02

So even if you end up having one with him, will every night waking be met by "you wanted him/her, you deal with it"? Same for nappy changes, feeds, etc

mylaptopismylapdog · 20/01/2018 12:04

I am sorry that he has mislead you in this way but also feel for his poor kids having a father who hates looking after them,he sounds both irresponsible and heartless.

Spacesuitmakeover · 20/01/2018 12:05

Do it sooner rather than later, my friend was in similar position to you the DH dithered for ages and had lead her to believe before marriage that he wanted DC. Now she is with a lovely new partner and is 42, struggling with mc’s

loveablether · 20/01/2018 12:10

That is a shitty thing to do. Thanks how awful. He has moved the goalposts and it's really unfair for him to do this to you.

TheLegendOfBeans · 20/01/2018 12:10

To be extremely blunt, if you’re over 35 then you need to leave this relationship immediately.

Jux · 20/01/2018 12:14

Tell him to go. It won't be that easy but make it very clear that this is the end. He will hang on to what he can, he will back track, he will make out everything is your fault, he will tell you you're ruining his children's lives, that he has a serious heart condition, he will say/do what he can to keep the status quo as long as he can. So move swiftly. Start divorce asap.

The quicker you get it over with, the sooner you can grieve for what never was, the sooner you can move on and look forward.

Hygge · 20/01/2018 12:17

He misled you and that was wrong.

If he doesn't want more kids that's fine, but he should have been honest with you.

You do want kids and have been honest all along.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he wants the kids he already has.

So it doesn't bode well for changing his mind.

If you did 'accidentally' become pregnant (I'm not saying you would) or manage to talk him into agreeing to try to conceive and have another baby, he sounds like he would be a crap and resentful father who would leave all the work to you and then say "you knew I didn't want this" if you complained.

Better to leave and find someone who wants what you want, rather than stay with someone who doesn't want it, might stop you from having it, or agree to have a child just to shut you up and then be totally unsupportive and crap as a father when it's too late for you to change things.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking he will change his mind when the baby is here. He won't. I hope you'll be okay.

MammaTJ · 20/01/2018 12:19

I married my ExH when I was 26 and he was 38. He already had a DD but said he wanted more DC. We had our DD 2 years later and he really did not get involved in looking after her until she was over 2. He said he had 2 DC and did not want any more. He left me a few years later, luckily while I still had a bit of childbearing ability still left in me! I then met DP and we had two DC in very quick succession!

I regret just having DD, with 11 years between her big sister and her and nearly the same between her and her little sister. She was like an only child.

I would advise to leave him now. He is not prepared to fulfill his part of the bargain, so to speak.

Original poster
loveheartsandchoc · 20/01/2018 12:24

I feel really sad. I thought this would be it and we would have children and everything would be fine. We clearly can't have children as he acts like it is a death sentence. He says how do you expect me to be happy when I would have responsibility for another human for the next 18 years. He always says he hates responsibility. Doesn't mind it in his job though, funny that.
I would have time to meet somebody else so at least age is on my side. It's whether I could put myself through it all again.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 20/01/2018 12:24

I would leave simply becuase he misled you. I woudlnt have kids with him with that attitude even if he "gave in" when he realised you are leaving

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