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Original poster

To want to leave him over this?

203 replies

loveheartsandchoc · 20/01/2018 09:58

I want to have kids and have always told Dh that I want 1 or 2. I told him this even before getting married and he agreed to it.

He is now back tracking saying that our lives are good as they are. He already has kids from a previous relationship and he feels that he is done. He says he hates being responsible for kids and enjoys the lie ins when they are not around. He said why would I want to ruin our lives?

I am beyond annoyed. His kids are not an annoyance to be tolerated (that is how he sees it). This alone makes me not want to have kids with him anyway, how can he talk about his own children like that.

If we did have kids together I feel like he would take all the joy out of the pregnancy and raising of the child anyway as he views it all so negatively. And to top it all off expecting me to help with raising his kids and have none of my own is a bit too much. I feel that he is very selfish and acts like a spoiled child. Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 20/01/2018 10:39

I would not have his child, he has shown his attitude to the ones he already has. That they disturb his lie ins and he doesn't want to be responsible for them.

How often do his dear children disturb this horrible man? Is he loving and hands on when they are there? Do he cook for them, bath them etc?

FitBitFanClub · 20/01/2018 10:39

How old are you?

Also, even if he succumbs and goes along with the idea now, you'll be back on here in a year or two complaining that he does nothing to help with the kids and you're doing it all. Is that how you'd want it to be?

Pannacott · 20/01/2018 10:39

Oh what an arsehole. I guess you have to leave. Even if he'd said he'd have kids now, you'd know it was never the enthusiastic commitment to a family that you he lead you to believe.

I really hope that you are of an age where you don't need to worry about time running out.

Onwards and upwards.

trojanpony · 20/01/2018 10:40

Horrible situation - he has moved the goalposts and lied to you.

I think you are right in your opening post and I also think even if you did “talk him into it” (not that you sound like you’d want to)
You would be doing absolutely everything with my baby and he wouldn’t pull his weight.

It would be a deal breaker for me...

Original poster
loveheartsandchoc · 20/01/2018 10:41

His children are as good as gold. They have their moments as all children do but he has it easy! He does a lot for them and I do what I can to help as well.

OP posts:
SukiTheDog · 20/01/2018 10:45

This relationship is pretty much doomed. Look ahead 20 years when he’s possibly doting in his grandchildren and you may (or may not) feel crushing resentment.

I’d say leave.

Gemini69 · 20/01/2018 10:46

He has manipulated you by pretending you share the same dream.... he lied to get you to become his co-parent and wife....

Leave Flowers

BeyondWW · 20/01/2018 10:48

I'd leave. The problem is that if you have a chat with him and explain that you feel misled, he might agree to have a baby just to keep you there for now. And that's not a good reason to stay.

If he did say that, I'd bet as soon as you actually have a child and it gets tough, he'll bugger off.

Darcychu · 20/01/2018 10:50

i could not be with a man who acted as if his children caused an annoyance, i would hope my man would love his children so much that he would understand why a woman would want to have children...

Could you imagine if you guys divorce in the future with no children when its too late for you to have a child of your own?? how sad would you be?

Viviennemary · 20/01/2018 10:50

Say I want a child. If you don't agree then I'm leaving so it's up to you. And don't accept this next year or when somebody lands on Mars lark.

mummmy2017 · 20/01/2018 10:50

Sit him back down, and tell him very few women don''t want to try for a baby, does he like your life and the way you both interact, and does he realise where your willing to talk about it with him, and you had expectations as you had both spoken about it before you married, if he really doesn't want children and you part, can't he see he could end up with someone much less open and find within a very short time another partner could just trick him and he would find himself supporting a family and no real choice in how or when.

Turquoisetamborine · 20/01/2018 10:53

Leave him and meet someone else. Bringing up kids with someone who doesn’t want them (or may pretend he does then leave you when you’re pregnant or when they are small) is really not a good option.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 20/01/2018 10:53

What a horrible position to be in Flowers

I couldn't stay with someone who had lied to me like that. Fundamentally you're incompatible and that will never change.

You will resent him if you don't have kids. And if he does relent and 'let you have one' how will he treat them? Will it be obvious he didn't really want them? Will the child pick up on it?

Its a lose lose situation.
How long have you been together? When did he spring it on you that he has changed his mind?

formerbabe · 20/01/2018 10:54

Say I want a child. If you don't agree then I'm leaving so it's up to you

Really don't do this. He doesn't want another child...you already know this. No point making him have one through an ultimatum like this.

Jaygee61 · 20/01/2018 10:54

Thinking about this some more. It does sound as though he’s a good father to the children he has, he just doesn’t particularly enjoy it. Plenty of people feel the same way.

It’s also possible that when he said he wanted to have children with you he meant it, but that he has changed his mind. People do. But it does not bode well for the future.

gamerwidow · 20/01/2018 10:55

He is entitled to change his mind about wanting children but equally you are entitled to leave because you’ve been misled. Don’t give him an ultimatum just go no good will come if having children with a man who is being coerced to have them.

Tinty · 20/01/2018 10:55

OP why did he split up with the mother of his DC? Was it because he left everything to her because the responsibility and effort was too much for him?

Make sure that you are not the second one left holding the baby whilst he is off into the sunset because early mornings and responsibility is too much for him. Bear in mind too that it will be harder because he already has two DC. I think you need to think long and hard about having children with this man.

He has discovered that part time parenting with lots of lie - ins when the children aren't with you is a lot easier than full time parenting.

SugaredSocks · 20/01/2018 10:56

Oh op what a situation he’s definitely mislead you about having children and now he’s dangling the possibility of maybe having one which I’m afraid sounds like he’d put off for as long as possible and end up causing you more pain and difficulties later on. I think you do need to have a frank conversation with him about how this has made you feel but ultimately it sounds like he’s sounded the death knell for your marriage.

WooWooSister · 20/01/2018 10:58

Is he domineering in other aspects of your life? His response that he may deign to have one with you but definitely not two, smacks of someone having to pretend they're in control of all the decisions and that they have final say on how your lives progress or someone trying to manipulate you into staying longer without actually changing their position.
Go away on your own for a few days to think about what you want. He's going to be inconsistent and wear you down to try to achieve what he wants. You need to be clear. Parenting is hard enough without one parent blaming the other ('you're the one who wanted a baby!') every time there's a sleepless night or upset day.

ObscuredbyFog · 20/01/2018 11:00

He also said that maybe he'll have 1 with me

What sort of a father is he to his existing children, does he go above and beyond for them?

His attitude says he will give you the baby but then you're on your own as far as loving and caring for it go as he's not interested.
Do you really want to raise a child that way?

WhooooAmI24601 · 20/01/2018 11:00

You married someone who lied to you in order to get you to trust and love him. You'd do better to walk away with your head held high than to waste any more time on someone with so little regard for your feelings and future.

user1474652148 · 20/01/2018 11:01

He has misled you and has been vey dishonest.

Ohyesiam · 20/01/2018 11:02

He lead you to believe that you have compatible values, and you plainly don't.
Totally unreasonable of him. I imagine he thought he could talk you out of it.
I'm very sorry this happened to you, and yes. Definitely white leaving someone for.

user1474652148 · 20/01/2018 11:03

I would leave without hesitation and find someone you can truly spend your life with. You deserve honesty respect and the chance to have your own children, he can offer none of these things .

Ohyesiam · 20/01/2018 11:03
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