To want to leave him over this?

[loveheartsandchoc]

I want to have kids and have always told Dh that I want 1 or 2. I told him this even before getting married and he agreed to it.

He is now back tracking saying that our lives are good as they are. He already has kids from a previous relationship and he feels that he is done. He says he hates being responsible for kids and enjoys the lie ins when they are not around. He said why would I want to ruin our lives?

I am beyond annoyed. His kids are not an annoyance to be tolerated (that is how he sees it). This alone makes me not want to have kids with him anyway, how can he talk about his own children like that.

If we did have kids together I feel like he would take all the joy out of the pregnancy and raising of the child anyway as he views it all so negatively. And to top it all off expecting me to help with raising his kids and have none of my own is a bit too much. I feel that he is very selfish and acts like a spoiled child. Sorry for the rant!

I think I would be being unreasonable if I knew this before I married him and expected something different. But that is not the case.
Thanks for your kind words everyone.

I’m not normally one to call LTB, but really OP I would leave with enough time to find and settle with someone who wants this. It would be a real chore having kids with this man, even with his resentful agreement to have one with you. Kids are hard work, I wouldn’t have one in this set up.

YA(def)NBU.

It is also ok for him to change his mind about something as important as having more DCs. There are lots of reasons why having more children is not a good idea or in the best interests of the DCs he already has. And lots of reasons why he might of thought that more children would be fine and good. People are only human - sometimes they don't know how they really feel. Especially about having another child or children. Actually it's a jolly good thing he's realised now and told you in a very non-ambiguous way.

But I also understand why his changing views have had a big impact on you. You feel he has led you down the proverbial garden path - you've wasted time on your biological clock; and now have to unravel a deep relationship instead of the easier route of just 'moving on' from a casual thing. You're also wondering if he knew previously but didn't tell you. I think that's pretty uncommon.

Could you perhaps accept that you are feeling really annoyed and frustrated that you are much further from having children than you thought, but not try to focus on that? TTC is often very difficult. Hopefully you won't have to deal with other set backs. He is being true to himself (which is important) and you are being true to yourself (which is also important). Now focus on trying to separate calmly and amicably? You are going to need to save your emotional energy for the future.

If you have children with him, chances are you'll be dealing with a divorced/separated family life within a few years. So in some ways I think you're lucky - I know that sounds weird, but thank the stars he has made his views clear before you were pregnant. I didn't find out about my (ex)DH's true colours until DC2 was a few months old. Now kids spend EOW with him 100 miles away and I will have to deal with him and his true colours for the rest of their lives. Not at all the life I wanted for my DCs (or me).

Split now - as smoothly and swiftly as you can. Take care with the feelings of his DCs. Hard though it is on them, it needs to be done for the sake of your future children.

He's deceived you and/or he is being dismissive and disrespectful of your feelings.

But yes, he's been honest now, not kept you hanging for years and putting it off before eventually coming clean.

I think you have two choices, realistically, because I think it's very wrong to have a child with someone who doesn't want that child.

1. Stay with him, never have a child.
2. Leave, have children.

You won't persuade him, you won't change him, you can't make him love a child he doesn't want. And you want your children to have a dad who adores them and couldn't wait for them to arrive.

If you want children, or even if you weren't sure but wanted the option, then it's a very good reason to leave a relationship.

If you want children unless he changes his mindset and understands your point of view, I personally would leave and find someone else

If he feels that way about them he should never had have them, some people aren't bothered about having them which is obviously fine but I'm like you having babies is something I have definitely always wanted and the person you with has to feel the same x

Ask him to leave. Today.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I’m a SM and adore my DSC but before we got married we said we definitely wanted DC together. I love the man to death but being a mum is always something I’ve wanted and I wouldn’t have married him if we hadn’t been on the same page.

Our time spent ttc so far has been a nightmare and we’ve had 3 mcs but we’re as committed to each other and to having DCs together as we ever were and we’re a team in doing it together. I make a massive effort with my DSC, DH is a devoted father and life is mostly pretty good. But I totally get you on having the stresses, strains, restrictions and responsibilities of parenthood without the joy of having your own DC. I’m sure plenty of step parents are happy not to have their own as well but it’s not how I ever imagined my life being. At times while I’ve been going through all of this, having the time and financial obligations of being in a home with children has been exhausting. I can’t be selfish and have weekends on my own, we can’t fuck off and have nice holidays to take our minds off it. I’m packing lunches, doing laundry, reading stories, helping with homework and looking forward to a glass of wine in the bath to recharge when they’re finally in bed!

Yes I like my life but I have all the chores of parenting with some of the joys and the constant reminder that I don’t have a baby of my own in the equation.

You’re right to say this is a deal breaker. You need to cut your losses, get back out there, meet someone who wants what you want and will put their heart and soul into creating a family with you. You’re being brave and mature. It’s unforgivable that he’s lied to you like this. You must wonder what else he’s been keeping from you!

There are happy days ahead of you. Go and get the life you want.

OP, I really really feel for you, your frustration, anger and sadness, but I think you are also being unfair to your husband as it sounds that it's not a case of misleading you but just that he has changed his mind and that he is allowed to feel and right not to ignore it when it comes to having children.

When I met my OP at 37, I was over the moon when he asked right away if I'd want more children. I had two already but desperately wanted another one. I felt like I'd won the lottery not only to have met my perfect man, but one who also wanted children. I fell pregnant only 5 months after we met and we were both over the moon, unfortunately, I miscarried not long afterwards. He was as devastated as I was but was positive that I would fall pregnant again, except that it didn't happen and when we ended up in front of the consultant, we were told that there were issues both on his side and ours and the chance of being pregnant naturally again were very low. I felt like I'd been shot in the chest. We discussed it and agreed to go with IVF, but OH wanted us to settle first and therefore to give it 6 months. I was desperate to go ahead right away so this came as a blow, but I agreed.

6 months passed and I excitedly started to get things into motion when he said he had something to tell me, and then came the blow: he'd thought much about it for the past 3 months and realised that he didn't feel as he used to and suddenly felt too old to have children (42). It came as the same blow as it did to you and I too first felt very angry, believing that he knew from the first time IVF was mentioned that he had no intention on doing it.

Time has passed (8 years) and I now know that he was genuine and that his desire for a child really died gradually until it got to the point that he really didn't want it. He felt horrible for me, felt he was letting me down, but as he tried to explain, he couldn't help how he felt and couldn't pretend when the outcome could have been having a child who he never bonded with and he was right.

My ex has never made much effort to bond with my DS and the reason why I so much wanted another child was to have one with my OH so I could share this with a man who wanted and loved my children as much as I did.

I understand how hurt you must feel as it feels like it's taken away your utter desire to me a mum and that is extremely painful. However, the situation is circumstantial more than him deceiving you. After all, what did he have to gain to marry you knowing you wanted to be a mum so much if at that time, he already knew he definitely didn't want more children.

Unfortunately, it is putting you in the dreadful situation of having to decide whether to let him go or let your desire to be a mum go. If indeed you would not have married him if he had a vasectomy for instance, then you have your answer, but you can't force him to be a father just to please you, this would just not be fair on the child and you would end up resenting him even more for not bonding with the child, helping you more etc...

How can he be a good dad if he admits to not like/want to spend time with them? Why would you ever consider having children with somebody like this?

Good decision @loveheartsandchoc
It Is your life. You are not there to adorn his.
It should be a living relationship with mutual goals.
You WILL find someone who truly shares your dreams and does not resentfully compromise

@swingofthings I suppose he gained marrying me instead of me leaving him? As I wouldn't have married him if he had told me this before. Also gained a house and someone to help him look after his kids.

Gained a house?

Oh dear - can you elaborate?

@tiredbum I mean he is a good dad in that he supports them financially, spends regular time with them, does all the right things like helping them with homework etc. But he doesn't enjoy it, not one bit. So I don't know if that makes him a good or bad dad or not. The kids obviously don't know this. He makes them feel very loved. So I think it could be a worse. But the way he talks about spending time with them makes me sad. I don't know how you could view spending time with your children so negatively.

@tenterden I was just looking at it from the kind of basic things he 'gained' as the other poster said he didn't have anything to gain by deceiving me. I guess he gained living in this house. He was renting a small flat before. Not that this matters really, was just replying to the comment.
I just feel like he has made no sacrifices and in fact has 'gained' in some ways and I have made plenty.

OK, understood.

I really think you may as well leave now. He will probably panic and grudgingly promise you whatever you want but you know he doesn't mean it.

Start over with someone who wants the same things as you.

How long have you been married OP? I hope it will be relatively straightforward to untangle your lives and move on so that you can find someone else.

get him out asap OP

I suppose he gained marrying me instead of me leaving him? As I wouldn't have married him if he had told me this before. Also gained a house and someone to help him look after his kids.
Do you really believe that he married you knowing full well that he wouldn't have children with you but that he wanted to marry you for your house and a nanny? Really?

Maybe he is just finding it a bit hard being a dad at the moment, most parents do. Despite the fact that I so desperately wanted a child with my OH, I am now so grateful that we didn't because I've gone from being an energetic mum to a very knackered one all the time. The ideal of looking after another one is horrifying. I just wouldn't have the energy anymore.

Parents do change their minds about having more children. Give your OH at least the benefit of the doubt that he hasn't just married you to use you. After all, he could say the same about you if you clearly married the potential father you saw in him rather than the man you fell madly in love with.

Do you really believe that he married you knowing full well that he wouldn't have children with you but that he wanted to marry you for your house and a nanny? Really?

I do. I suggested it earlier in the thread. It’s not uncommon.

He gets to keep the OP, not have to split up with her, half the marital estate and a nanny for the kids who he doesn’t enjoy looking after.

It’s win win for him. Many have married for less.

The OP had the legal nouse to secure her house. But I don’t know how that will pan out if they split.

He is finding it hard but the prospect of being a childless stepmum isn't exactly easy either.
How did I marry the potential father in him? That is rubbish. I married a man that I love because he had shared values with me. One of them being that he wanted to have children with me. He is the one who has changed his mind, I don't see how that is my fault.

End it.
Find someone who truly wants kids and all the high and lows that inevitably goes with having them. Plenty of men are looking for the same things as you.

It seems to me like he did want to marry you, which is why he lied, and that his kids would be enough for you or make you change his mind. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk about it and if he definitely doesn't want children and will not change his mind at any point, tell him that this marriage is never going to work as you want different things in life.

I married a man that I love because he had shared values with me. One of them being that he wanted to have children with me. He is the one who has changed his mind, I don't see how that is my fault.
It's not your fault at all and I do truly sympathise with you. What I'm saying is that people do have change of hearts, it happens and it doesn't mean that they intended to have them before they committed.

Some change of hearts you have to ignore because commitment is more important (ie, if you'd agreed that you would move to Australia one day and suddenly you realise that you don't want to leave your family), but a change of heart about being a parent, which would mean having a child you don't want is another matter because it involves an innocent child who doesn't deserve to be born unwanted by one parent.

If you really do believe that he manipulated you and married you knowing he would never have a kid with you, but did it to gain your house and services, then surely it's a blessing that you know now as clearly your marriage was a sham from the start.

I haven't read all the replies, but I would say don't stay with him thinking you can talk him round. That won't end well.

You know what you have to do to make yourself happy, which you have every right to be.

You poor thing op , you are doing the right thing though. He has to leave. This is a very clear dealbreaker and in addressing it he hasn’t even tried to consider that you are a person with feelings which is just horrible behaviour from someone you thought loved you. It is so immensely selfish to lie to someone about something so fundamental.