To want to leave him over this?

[loveheartsandchoc]

I want to have kids and have always told Dh that I want 1 or 2. I told him this even before getting married and he agreed to it.

He is now back tracking saying that our lives are good as they are. He already has kids from a previous relationship and he feels that he is done. He says he hates being responsible for kids and enjoys the lie ins when they are not around. He said why would I want to ruin our lives?

I am beyond annoyed. His kids are not an annoyance to be tolerated (that is how he sees it). This alone makes me not want to have kids with him anyway, how can he talk about his own children like that.

If we did have kids together I feel like he would take all the joy out of the pregnancy and raising of the child anyway as he views it all so negatively. And to top it all off expecting me to help with raising his kids and have none of my own is a bit too much. I feel that he is very selfish and acts like a spoiled child. Sorry for the rant!

How long have you been together/married?

It is so immensely selfish to lie to someone about something so fundamental.
We don't know that he has though. OP thinks he has strung her along all this time, but but anger would make you think that. Only he truly knows whether this is the case or not.

Has he agreed to leave the house?

How can you just change your mind though. No, he is still here. He is now saying he will have them. But we all know that that is either not true or a terrible idea if he doesn't really want them. So it's a lose-lose situation.

You've uncovered his view of (his current) children and it's a deal breaker, children are people and deserve respect. It sounds like you fit the bill for the single/ family free exsistence he wants but not as a person with your own ambitions or plans.

He’s lying again to try and hold onto the house and the woman who’s helping him with his kids.

Have you asked him to leave?

He’s not taking you seriously and I’d be pretty insulted by his wet attempt to win you back by essentially pandering to what you want and putting off the inevitable.

PPs anticipated he’d do exactly this and seen it through to you actually having a baby together with him constantly reminding you he didn’t want it, that it was your idea alone that the finances, sleepless nights and highs and lows are your problem.

You’ve already got one foot out of the marriage which is totally understandable, and he’s clinging on to it/you by saying what you want to hear.

He’s not going to give you what you want long term. And even if you did get pregnant, you know you’d end up apart anyway and I can’t imsgine being a single mum with a resentful ex is how you imagine motherhood to be.

You deserve someone who shares your dreams, gives you honesty, and will be a committed partner to you.

None of us get married expecting we’ll end up divorced. It wasn’t where I eve hoped to be! But we pick ourselves up again and often meet other people we couldn’t even imagine before and go on to have happy, fulfilled lives.

There’s no shame in walking away and gong after what you want.

He gave up awfully easily when up told him you wanted to split up. He either isn’t really bothered, or he wasn’t taking what you’ve said seriously.

At the very least you need a break and a chance to get your head straight.

Tell him to go and give you a week to think things through.

I don't how old your DH is, but in the case of my OH and me three years later, what triggered the change is that we suddenly reached an age when suddenly found we didn't have the same level of energy we used to have. Babies and children are hard work and do take a lot out of you.

You say that your OH loves his kids but doesn't enjoy them, I'm wondering whether this is because he is growing more tired and what he craves suddenly is time to rest and do things for himself. When your kids reach an age when they are starting to be more independent, you can start to imagine that you will finally have more time to do things for yourself and you look forward to this.

One day, my DS woke me up in the early morning feeling sick. He was 12 and I hadn't been woken up by either of them for years. When he was 5, I would have got up, been awake in no time, dealt with it and it would have been ok, but that time, it felt like the worse punishment as I so desperately didn't want to get up. This brought on the anxiety of potentially having to do this for many years to come was enough to put me off.

I went from looking at babies and having this longing feeling to looking at them and only feeling the exhaustion that comes with having a baby.

He's changing his mind, waiting for you to relax again, and then he'll change it back. He can rinse and repeat till it's all too late. Would you want your Dad to be someone who didn't want you and only went along with it to stop your Mum kicking you out? He'll have no interest in the baby/ies and may well make life difficult.

So it's a lose-lose situation.
This is so sad as indeed, it might very well be. There is of course the possibility that once you have a baby, he falls madly in love with them and suddenly become dad's of the year, it does happen, but there is also the risk that he feels even more overwhelmed by it and can't cope at all.

I know I am defending him but my heart so goes to you as like you, I could have imagine my life without having children and you are finding yourself in a horrible situation. I genuinely don't know what I would do in your shoes, so I hope that whatever the outcome, it is what makes you happy.

It's not unreasonable to end a relationship where you both have very different priorities/needs.

I don't know if he has deliberately strung you along (said he wanted children when he knew all along he really didn't) or simply changed his mind. The former is worse as it is deceitful and deliberate. If he has genuinely simply changed his mind, I thinks that's fair enough and doesn't make him a complete horror, in my view. Although changing the goalposts in that way clearly dooms the relationship and you would be perfectly sensible to end the marriage.

I am curious though- did you pick up on his apathy towards parenting earlier? If so, why did you think it would change? And if not, either he was very good at hiding it or something has changed.

The options are to leave and start afresh with someone else or stay, have children and then potentially be a single parent. Which option appeals most/least?

Hope whatever you choose, it works out well for you. I think I would cut my losses now whilst time is on your side

Kick him out, OP. Please don’t waste your fertile years with this guy. You have a fundamental difference which can’t be compromised on.

If you want children of your own, I would end the relationship immediately.

He's made his new position clear. Don't let him string you along with 'maybes' or 'If I just had more time I might reconsiders' etc.

If you want children, you need to tell him your relationship is over. He hasn't been honest with you, and on a 'dealbreaker' issue. Ask him to go.

Op you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!! You should both be excited at the prospect of starting a family together.
He's completely manipulated you, I don't buy the sudden change of mind thing. He's been there, done that and he knows full well what having children entails. If he was on the fence or against it he would have known before marrying you.
For your sake don't have kids with him if he's now only doing it for you to stay because he'll turn into a bitter bastard every time there's a night feed or an early wake up, which is a lot with babies and children.
You'll also feel resentful that he can't just be a decent person and step up.

Don't leave it too late, I've seen it happen too often x

You seem to have always noticed he didn’t enjoy spending time with the children he already has. Did you believe he would be different with the ones he had with you? If so that was perhaps rather naive. I am genuinely sorry about the situation you find yourself in.

Don't be taken in by him now saying he'll have them. He doesn't want to lose his cushy life in your house with you looking after his kids, I'm sorry to say. Tell him it's over and he will need to leave. He's misled you over something really important.

Can't you have your marriage annulled seeing as you were married under false pretences.

@Jaygee61 it's only more recently that he's been getting more vocal about it. I assumed that it was just the usual stress and tiredness that sometimes comes from looking after children. But the things he says are awful and I feel sad for them.

Lovehearts I’m so sorry

I think you need to see a solicitor ASAP and start divorce proceedings. Has he got anywhere he can go? If so, if it’s legally your house and he cannot make any claim on it, then pack his bags and sling him out, changing the locks as he goes.

He sounds like the nastiest of shits, basically securing help for his kids and spinning you every possible line to trap to.

I'm telling you now! If you do have the one child that he may be willing to have with you.
Absolutely, everything that goes wrong in your life and every little problem will be because you wanted a child.
I'm sorry but I couldn't stay with him!

Totally agree with Honky sadly

I'm telling you now! If you do have the one child that he may be willing to have with you...
^Absolutely, everything that goes wrong in your life and every little problem will be because you wanted a child.
I'm sorry but I couldn't stay with him!^

This is a asbolutely true it happened to a friend of mine. Everything that goes wrong: “I never wanted it anyway”. He’s completely tuned out of childcare and they’re getting divorced.

Please takes steps to remove him from your house. See a solicitor asap about how to go about it and then do it.

You do need to be firm about this. Every day is another day wasted with a man who has deceived you for as long as you have known him.

Its a bad situation to be in but it happens. He changed his mind about wanting more kids, it happens, and doesn't make him a bad person.

He is a good dad and loves his kids but finds them annoying/hard, haven't most parents been there? Not everyone has a strong maternal/paternal emotion, it doesn't make him a bad person.

So you have to accept him as he is now or leave him and find another man to father your family. That's life.

You say he wanted kids before but surly you got some impression of how he felt about his own children before you married. Did he go from a doting dad to a stressed man, wanting no more kids after the wedding?

@Julie8008 I feel that's quite harsh. How is he 100% in the right here? He has changed his mind but that's fine and all my fault .

I would also like to point out that they are not the only two options. You don't have to be with a man. I would never be able to marry again. It would be single life for me and sperm donor probably. Or I could talk to him about whether he would accept my need to have children by sperm donor and stay with him. I doubt that though.