To want to leave him over this?

[loveheartsandchoc]

I want to have kids and have always told Dh that I want 1 or 2. I told him this even before getting married and he agreed to it.

He is now back tracking saying that our lives are good as they are. He already has kids from a previous relationship and he feels that he is done. He says he hates being responsible for kids and enjoys the lie ins when they are not around. He said why would I want to ruin our lives?

I am beyond annoyed. His kids are not an annoyance to be tolerated (that is how he sees it). This alone makes me not want to have kids with him anyway, how can he talk about his own children like that.

If we did have kids together I feel like he would take all the joy out of the pregnancy and raising of the child anyway as he views it all so negatively. And to top it all off expecting me to help with raising his kids and have none of my own is a bit too much. I feel that he is very selfish and acts like a spoiled child. Sorry for the rant!

I also think it does make him a bad person. He was old enough to know and make that decision before we got married. If there was any doubt in his mind he should have communicated it then. He knew it would be make or break.

How is he 100% in the right here? He has changed his mind but that's fine and all my fault

I didn't say it was anyone's fault, its unfortunate, but people are allowed to change their mind, if that is what happened. Maybe there was no doubt in his mind before, peoples feelings change over time, how long have you been married?

You could ask him to be a sperm donor but down that road lies madness. It wouldn't be much different than trapping him in a marriage with more children that he resents and doesn't want.

Hi @loveheartsandchoc
You have loads of support on here so just remember - YANBU
Leave and do what makes you happy.
FWIW my sister is single and used donor for her DD and is very happy and well supported

@Julie8008 I didn't mean him as a sperm donor. I meant somebody else (through a proper channel - clinic type thing).

oh, stay with him and use a different sperm donor. Well that's quite an idea.

I think Tistheseason suggestion sounds better.

No you're not unreasonable.

I left my now husband (before we married) over this very issue. I knew I wanted children, he at the time didn't want any. I knew that whilst he was (is) the love of my life him refusing to even try for children was a deal breaker for me.

You need to think very carefully about what you want. If you want your own children, you need to be honest as to whether your willing to sacrifice this for your relationship.

Personally I found having children non negotiable and left. It was the right decision for me. I'm not saying it is for you, only you can decide.

Good luck.

On your own you'll be able to concentrate on your own child with no guilt. In the unlikely scenario where you stay with him but use a sperm donor, you'll feel you have to compensate, and you'll not want to ask him to do childcare. Neither will he want to. Bet he'd still expect you to look after his DD as well as your own child, though.

Yeah I do doubt that would happen and did say that. I am just hurt, upset and probably being a bit ridiculous right now.

You're allowed to feel hurt. He hasn't behaved well and it's causing massive upheaval.

Feel so sorry for you loveheartsandchoc.

What an absolutely horrible situation for you to find yourself in.
Your whole World turned upside down in just one day.
I hope that you will find the right thing to do, for yourself.
I'm wishing you lots of luck!

I think you are onto something with pushing this conversation out of the cycle of ‘I want to’, ‘but I dont’, ‘but you said’.

When you mentioned sperm donation it at least got him thinking. Do more of this. I bet he’s thinking that you’d be honest about this k’sperm donation’ threat with everyone, and they’d naturally assume his swimmers were faulty!

I think you’ll have to let go of the fantasy of him being the perfect, equal excitement to yours, type-of-dad.

Fundamentally, he went back on his word. You are too principled to do what women have done in the past, that is, cause contraception to ‘accidentally’ fail.

You’ll have to choose:

What are the chances you’ll be able to partner up and have kids with someone else if you leave this marriage?

What are the chances your OH will actually ‘come good’ after ‘allowing you’ this one child, fall in love with the kid and all live happily ever after?

What are the chances you might actually be happy with one kid? Many people assume they’ll have more but end up with one.

I’d personally stay in the marriage, push for Kid 1 with whatever it takes, and hope he became more positive as the child became a reality. Also hoping that I could become satisfied with just one. In a way, both people compromise their positions in this scenario. And a marriage where you can meet halfway is still a good marriage.

OP - I know someone who wanted children but her husband didn't. He agreed to have children on the basis that she did EVERYTHING for them, every feed, nappy change, arrange childcare, select (& pay for) schools etc.

That may work for her (it wouldn't for me) but in your shoes I would ask myself what I was prepared to settle for.

Thanks @Skittlesandbeer and @Itscurtainsforyou for a different perspective on how it could work.
I suppose @Itscurtainsforyou though I'm not sure how that would work with my current stepchildren? Would he do things for them and then not for my child? Would I have to stop doing things for my stepchildren because he's not doing things for our child? I don't know it just seems v complicated. I personally don't think I could decide to show stepchildren any less love. I don't know how he could then favour some of his children over others. I agree though without stepchildren that idea could work for some people.

If he has misled you and never wanted children would it be possible to have the marriage annulled?

@FlippingFoal not from reading annulment guidelines, no.

How long have you been married?

He has lied and deceived you. I'd be splitting up for that alone regardless of the child issue. While age is on your side find someone who wants kids and isn't a liar

Not that long

You sound fab. Ask him to leave asap and divorce him pronto - may assist with financial damage limitation. Please don't have a child with him when he would resent the child and you. The way you describe him with his poor children - he sounds deeply horrible. He is not a good father. He is going through the motions and on some level they will know that.

Sorry to say that if he genuinely loved you and respected you, he would t have lied to you. You sound very sensible. He sounds like a piece of work with regard to his children. I can only guess that he wouldn't be terribly supportive even if he agreed to have children (he may be genuine, could also be a delaying tactic). You need to take advice about getting him out of your house.

He is zero % in the right here! It doesn’t sound like changing his mind, it sounds like he’s a selfish lying arsehole. Who doesn’t love his children, which makes a pretty sizeable stack of dealbreakers.

I'm sorry he didn't communicate his feelings with you but at least he is being honest now.

It's a tough one but he is allowed to make that choice and it's your choice whether it's a dealbreaker.

But he doesn't sound like good father material anyway. The way you talk about him and what he says/does with his children. Why would you want to have kids with him if he's like that?

Ask him to leave. Today. Do not do anymore for his children. The ball is in your court. You get to decide.

If the OP is in England or Wales, her husband will have a legal right of claim over the house.

Marriage is a legally binding contract that requires both parties to share their assets equally.

Put simply, the OP needs to attain the services of a family law solicitor if she wants to divorce her husband.

The OP is not a SAHM with a high earning husband, so she could lose a substantial sum of money if she doesn't get legal advice.

@patch7676 I know he will have a legal claim. But I sought legal advice before and have done everything possible to evidence the separate finances, have agreements written up that he courts consider. Yes I might lose something but it won't be 50/50. This is on previous legal advice I have had.

Also fortunately unlike some men he accepts this agreement we have. He will not pursue a claim against anything we haven't already agreed. So it's a bit of a moot point anyway. This is if we get divorced.