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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

toddler at a funeral

205 replies

ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 15:17

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 12/12/2017 15:18

Please don't.

RatRolyPoly · 12/12/2017 15:18

As you're a relative what do the rest of your family think? You're the ones whose feelings matter most at the funeral imo.

Lemonnaise · 12/12/2017 15:18

I personally wouldn't take a toddler to a funeral, but I've seen a thread about this before and lots of posters thought there was nothing wrong with it. Sorry, not very helpful.

expatinscotland · 12/12/2017 15:19

The person's not even dead yet and you're concerned about your toddler's being there? Hmm

No, please don't take a toddler to a funeral. They are far more disruptive than a babe in arms. She will make noise, you'll have to take her out, why not just leave her at home?

jamaisjedors · 12/12/2017 15:19

Leave with DH, he can join you afterwards at the "do", it's less than an hour to wait somewhere, even if it's not local.

fc301 · 12/12/2017 15:20

YANBU
IMO toddlers need to learn that death is part of life. Explain it in simple terms. I took mine to GP funerals. DD said do you get to see them fly out!
I did avoid taking them to the graveside interment though as it can be distressing.
Sorry for your loss 💐

billybagpuss · 12/12/2017 15:20

When mil passed away dd’s were 18 months and 3 we took them both and I’m very glad we did. Even if it’s not close family kids need to learn when it’s appropriate to sit still and funerals are rarely more than 30 minutes long so I would take her. I know I may be in the minority here though.

OlennasWimple · 12/12/2017 15:21

Depends on the toddler. One that can sit quietly with a tub of raisins for a while is a different proposition to one that will throw stuff around and scream through the whole service. (I had one of each type)

Original poster
ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 15:21

Cool, was just in two minds but I won't take her. DH can have her no problems and I can be more available to support family. Thanks

OP posts:
fc301 · 12/12/2017 15:22

Surprised at others reactions TBH but death is too much of a taboo in our society IMO.

noodlesandtomatoes · 12/12/2017 15:22

I took my toddler and new born to my DHs grandmother's funeral. It's what my MIL wanted and it meant I could be there for DH and the rest of the family. People were pleased to see them there.

Entirely depends on relation and rest if family.

MorrisZapp · 12/12/2017 15:22

No, it's rarely appropriate unless the immediately grieving family have asked you to bring the toddler.

Parents of small children often have to take turns attending events, it's part of the deal.

eenymeenymaccaracca · 12/12/2017 15:24

My MIL wanted our toddler to be at my FIL's funeral (because he was their grandad). I warned of noise but MIL still wanted them along.

Toddler ran around and made some noise; MIL was unhappy about that; we got toddler to calm down and be quiet.

Toddler was fine with whole experience. Not sure about MIL.

I think the only safe way is to check with the most bereaved person(s) and see what they prefer. But even this isn't failsafe.

Firenight · 12/12/2017 15:26

Depends on your toddler and depends on the family and how they feel. I took my 3 year old to his Gran’s funeral and he was no trouble and my husband and his family we’re glad to have him there. My kids weren’t invited to my Grandfather’s and that was quite hard on my by then 7 year old who understood enough to want to say goodbye! Would I take my youngest (now 3)? Probably not, but she’s a different beast and incapable of sitting still and quiet yet.

HipNewName · 12/12/2017 15:26

I think it depends on the toddler. I took my dd’s to my grandmothers funeral when they were 2 and 4 because I was visiting from out of town and didn’t have anyone to leave them with. They were little angels,

Do you have a friend who could watch your child? It would be easier for you if you had your husband there to support you, but not your child.

HipNewName · 12/12/2017 15:27

Also, my mother loved having my dds at the funeral. She kept them really close to her,

expatinscotland · 12/12/2017 15:29

It's pretty offensive to use someone's funeral as a vehicle to teach a toddler about death Hmm. It's also a concept that they cannot fully grasp neurologically until later. Children aren't able to understand such finalities until they're about 4.

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 15:31

Depends on the toddler. My dss not in w million years my dds yes they would have been fine.

Abra1d · 12/12/2017 15:33

Don’t let them run around. Take quiet toys and be prepared to get your OH to take them out.

It also depends on the deceased. Elderly person—perhaps not always as gut-wrenching as a premature death and perhaps people are more in the frame of mind of celebrating a life as well as mourning for a loved one. If the death was particularly traumatic or premature I wouldn’t bring a toddler.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 12/12/2017 15:34

DD went to my nana’s funeral when she was about 2. She actually brought comfort to my family, seeing the newest generation saying goodbye to the oldest, and bringing a bit of light relief to the “somber-ness” of the occasion. Aware not all families would see it the same though.

mindutopia · 12/12/2017 15:36

I can't see why you wouldn't. We took our dd to her great grandfather's funeral when she was 2. It was perfectly fine and so many people came up and told us how nice it was to see her and they really enjoyed playing with her at the wake. She was perfectly quiet and just sat with us, but we sat on the aisle in the back and would have been able to slip out without causing any disruption. Funeral was several hours from home, so if we hadn't taken her, we wouldn't have been able to attend anyway (no other family or friends or anyone who could have helped with childcare and her nursery wouldn't have been able to stay open long enough for us to make it back), which would have really upset the family.

DontCallMeJohnBoy · 12/12/2017 15:38

I did take a toddler to a family funeral, some extended family members had never met him and were happy to do so at the wake. Only take DC if both you and your partner will be going; it's usually the non-related parent who takes them out if they're restless.

You'll find people fall into either the "it's a solumn occasion for adults" / "they add a bit of light to the occasion" camp. If you would take a young child to a christening, who won't you take them to a funeral? You need to be organised and have things to keep them distracted but it's perfectly doable.

onemouseplace · 12/12/2017 15:40

I took my 2 and 4 year old to my grandmother's funeral - as others have said, we just went prepared that DH would have to take them out if they started being disruptive at all.

woofmiaowwoof · 12/12/2017 15:41

agree it depends on your family's tolerance, and also, how well your DD would behave, I'd go with what those closest to them feel, but take her out at the first sign of noise/disruption.

I remember being fairy appalled at my GM's funeral as my cousin took her 2 toddlers and they made a lot of noise and was hard to hear over them for some bits - felt it was disrespectful (they left it too long to take them out, imo).

WombOfOnesOwn · 12/12/2017 15:44

I agree that newborns and toddlers are actually lovely to see at funerals, especially those of the very old. "Life goes on" is a lesson we all need to have shown to us a little more when someone we love dies.

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