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Original poster

toddler at a funeral

205 replies

ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 15:17

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

OP posts:
Hausfrauenvy · 12/12/2017 22:12

Took mine to my Grans at the time. He was a wriggly 3. She had loved him so much. He loved her too. He took his toy horse and sang the choruses of the hymns. He didnt sit perfectly still but he was quiet. Everyone praised him afterwards and I knew my Gran would have been delighted to know he was included as 'her family'. Afterwards we all ate at a hotel and he was spoiled by the whole family as they knew how important he was to Gran.
So if your family are like mine, go for it.

Pilgit · 12/12/2017 22:15

I took my then 3 year old and 7 week old children to my grandfather's funeral. The 4 year old was used to church and so was happy to do colouring and look at books. The 7 week old was good as gold. I took them as the 3 year-old had been very close to him (she still talks about him now and she is 8!) and she wanted to say goodbye and grandad would have loved to see her there. But - she behaved and if not DH would have taken her out so as not to disturb the rest of the congregation. We also didn't take her to the grave - it was January and snowing! There may of course be circumstances where if wouldn't be right so do what you think is best at the time.

Needmorechocolate · 12/12/2017 22:31

Depends on the family. I took my 4dc to my grandmother’s funeral when they were aged 7, 5, 3 and 1. It was the right choice for us and my grandmother would have loved that they came to say goodbye. They were well behaved and even when they maybe did speak a bit loudly/ask a question etc I feel it actually helped lighten things slightly and made people smile. I also believe that for school aged children it can be important for them to be allowed to attend (obviously depends on the child). They can feel quite excluded if they aren’t allowed to attend and also their imagination of what they think a funeral will be like can actually be worse than the reality. It does really depend on the individual family though so do what you feel is right for you and the others who will be attending.

Hellywelly10 · 12/12/2017 22:38

My dad's neighbour brought her baby to his funeral. My dad was very fond of her. Baby cried nowone minded. Reminded me of the circle of life. But check first I think it's very personal.

wheresthel1ght · 12/12/2017 22:38

@ditzychick34 I genuinely don't see why people are telling you not to. My grandmother died when dd was 10 months old, she was running about at speed and into everything, but she came to the funeral with me. I took books, a toy and she had some fisher price apps on my phone (on silent) and was absolutely fine.

You know your child. If you think they would be OK then go for it.

PurpleTraitor · 12/12/2017 22:42

I took both my toddlers to funerals when they were that age.

I don’t see any question at all in whether they should go.

Anyone who questioned me at the time....it wouldn’t have been pretty tbh.

Thymeout · 12/12/2017 22:52

It is very personal. Some people don't want to be cheered up at a funeral. I can think of two funerals I've attended where the last thing anyone felt like doing was smiling. The only comfort was the solemnity and dignity of the ritual and the feeling they were honouring the deceased.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 12/12/2017 23:00

I took mine when they were toddlers to my great aunts and my grans funeral. My DH took the smallest one out at one point as they were becoming restless but otherwise all went well. The only thing I would say is that with my 3 year old it did start a whole lot of questions for months afterwards which was fine but I did find it difficult to keep dealing with when I was grieving for my gran. (There were issues surrounding her death which were very upsetting)

PurpleTraitor · 13/12/2017 22:03

I wasn’t taking my toddlers to funerals as some kind of entertainment or to cheer anyone up. I was taking them because they loved someone who died and the person who died loved them.

That’s it really. There is nothing undignified about having a child with you.

HerRoyalNotness · 13/12/2017 22:18

In our family everyone goes, young, old, everyone. It'd be frowned upon if we didn't take them. But we're not English as such.

Dixiebell · 13/12/2017 22:21

We are taking our two year old to grandmother’s funeral this week. It wouldn’t occur to me not to. I can’t imagine anyone getting upset if she makes a bit of noise, it would be inappropriate at a wedding I think, when the couple and the words they are saying is the strong focus, but unless it was a full on tantrum, i’d think most people would have no problem with a bit of toddler chatter.

isittheholidaysyet · 13/12/2017 22:32

I would ask the principal mourners.

Took DS to his great grandmother's funeral at 18m and then to his great uncle's at 3years. It would have been weird for him not to be there when the whole family was gathering.
BUT we are churchgoers, so he was used to church, and we were used to dealing with him in church.

When I cremated my miscarried twins, we had 4 toddlers there at the funeral. It meant my friends could come to support me, and it would have felt weird to exclude children I was used to having around.
(Again they were all regular churchgoers)

dontbesillyhenry · 13/12/2017 22:40

Dixiebell please don't go with that attitude. People want to focus and hear the eulogies and readings about the person who has passed, not your little angels chatter

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2017 00:23

But it's her grandmother's funeral, so presumably she knows her family are OK with it.

Annwithnoe · 14/12/2017 00:44

I'm really struck by the huge cultural difference. I'm in Ireland and I've lost count of how many funerals, removals, burials, cremations and wakes I've taken my dc to.

But I think doing what is culturally appropriate is the key, and that varies from one family to another. Maybe you could ask around and gauge the reaction from family members? A vague comment wondering how you'll juggle childcare will probably get the information you need; no need to ask too directly.

Allthecake · 14/12/2017 02:30

DS had just turned 2 when his great-grandfather died. DS is not the quiet type, there's no chance he'd sit sweetly for even a half hour service so we decided DH would go and I'd stay with DS. We went to the wake, where he was able to help cheer people up. I wrote a card to DFIL though to say how much we all loved his father and how we'd always keep him in our hearts and tell the kids all about him as they grew up.

TheClaws · 14/12/2017 02:41

This is going to be unpopular - but really, at a funeral, why should the atmosphere be ‘lightened up’ or the mourners ‘cheered up’ by chatty toddlers? At my mother’s funeral, I couldn’t have cared less if any toddler was there - it just wasn’t high on my priority list - but if they were, I wouldn’t have been cheered up by one. The only reasons posters are saying this about their children is 1. it’s their kids, and 2. the other mourners were only being polite, ie. they were lying.

OhforfucksakeFay · 14/12/2017 02:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoKnownFather · 14/12/2017 03:22

Death is a part of life and kids need to learn. No point in sweeping it under the carpet! We have always taken our DC to funerals but had a very frank discussion at home the previous night as to why they should be respectful of other people and not be noisy. They noticed that people were sombre and they were the same.

CheshireChat · 14/12/2017 04:55

I'd actually not take my toddler to any funeral as

  1. He's noisy and hyper and would demand all the attention is on him
  1. He wouldn't have the foggiest what's going on ,but would be quite distraught to see people upset.

I struggled to calm him down after watching Princess and the Frog where the fucking cricket dies and he was convinced for ages that women dressed up for weddings are going to die (soon)/ are dead. That's fun to explain- is the lady in the white dress going to die, mummy?

I also don't understand why they have to understand that the world is pretty shite at

TheHodgeHeg · 14/12/2017 05:11

Depends on the family and the toddlers I think. At MIL's funeral her toddler niece and nephew were there for the wake, funeral service and cremation. They're quite well behaved children though and our family is very relaxed.

Needmorechocolate · 14/12/2017 07:19

the claws - I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and can understand why you wouldn’t be “cheered up” by a toddler being there. However, in my case it really did lighten the mood by having my children there with us all. They were my grandmothers world and it made people smile because the children helped remind people of what my grandmother loved about life. I think it is inappropriate for you to imply that I took my children to a funeral just because it suited me and that other mourners were just being polite. I can assure you that no one was offended that my children attended and it was definitely the right decision for our family. As has been said numerous times on this thread it is down to the individual circumstances and what is right for one person isn’t necessarily right for another.

NerudaIsHeaven · 14/12/2017 07:23

The English attitude towards this is totally bizarre. Of course you should take her.

PrincessoftheSea · 14/12/2017 07:32

I like seeing babies and toddlers at funerals. At all my grand parents funerals there were children running around even during the service and making some noise. They died when they were very old so for me it wasn't an upsetting funeral and the children reminded me of the circle of life and did cheer me up.

For me it would not be appropriate with children at a more "tragic" funeral where people are more distressed.

We are not British either and children are normal st funerals even if they make some noise.

Reallytired17 · 14/12/2017 07:40

It’s not really an ‘attitude’. I’ve no issue with children saying their goodbyes, it is just a toddler doesn’t have that understanding. If the people will be comforted, great, but it’s a pretty big leap to assume they definitely will be so entranced by little Oliver that Bert’s demise will be forgotten!

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