toddler at a funeral

[ditzychick34]

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

It's not about childcare problems or whether it would be good for the child to come. (Dubious, if it's a toddler who won't have a clue what's going on and won't remember it anyway.) It's not about whether a child will be disappointed at not being there.

It's what the immediate family feel about it, whether they want children there or not. (I can't get over a pp's opinion that child-free weddings are OK because it's important to hear the vows, but funerals should be for whoever wants to come. Doesn't matter then if the service is interrupted?)

Just ask them.

I took my almost 2 year old with me to my mum's funeral but not inside, she stayed outside with DH. It was nice to have her pottering around at the wake lightening the mood but she didn't need to be in the service and seeing everyone crying, it would have been upsetting for her and distracting for everyone else.

When my dad died my kids were 5 and 18 months. My mum asked me not to bring them as she felt they would be a distraction. It did mean DH couldn't come as he stayed with the kids and I would have liked his support but I totally understood.

In hindsight I am glad they didn't come as I totally fell apart and I think it could have been frightening, particularly for my 5 year old to see me like that.

We did take them to the wake by which time we had got ourselves together and the distraction actually welcome.

Yes I would, children are part of the family.

Frankly, after burying my brother, mother and father, I really wouldn't have worried about children being present. They'd probably have loved it when we buried my father's ashes as we all threw his favourite jelly babies into the grave to accompany him. Mum's funeral was full of black humour and giggles as my very deaf father made what he thought were quiet comments all the way through on the way the minister was leading the service.

I still remember not being allowed to go to my grandmother's funeral, and I feel that funerals are for all family members or those who wish to come. I like the idea of lollipops for potential noisemakers; maybe I should have given my father one!

And I am also well aware that I will die childless, but I know that I will be surrounded by friends who love me.

I attended my grandmothers funeral when DD was 9mths old.

During by the service she cried. I took her outside and one of the vicars came and found me. He told me church was inclusive and that it’s a wonderful thing to have small children in church and that I was to bring her back inside.

I left my two (who were 2 yrs & 3months Old) with someone for my father’s funeral service, mainly for my own sake as I knew how hard it was going to be (lost him age 60 in a tragic motorcycle incident). I picked them up and took them to the wake part after tho. A cousin, however, bought her two small similarly aged children to the whole thing, they made a racket & weren’t removed & I was quite annoyed (to even notice in what was a terrible moment speaks for itself). If you absolutely have to bring them be ready to take them out if they even start to make a fuss, it is not ok for the close family who may be extremely upset. Or just come to wake when everyone is milling around & kids can be a welcome distraction.

Yes, take DC, I think it's awful to hide kids from the reality of life. I genuinely can't fathom out the rational behind excluding children from this.

I can’t imagine a funeral where children were excluded. How on earth do they grow up understanding about death and grief as a normal part of extended family life?
My experience is that little ones often relieve the awkwardness and sadness. They bring a certain normality and even joy to a difficult occasion.

Why would they not join with the rest of their family?

Ernest, it’s nothing to do with shielding children. Can you not see that many people don’t want children disrupting the service and by they time they’ve made a noise and been taken out it’s too late. I would have been furious if that had happened at DM or DF’s funeral.

Ernest and Crumbs - have you read the thread? Many posters have answered your questions.

I took 2yo DD to my step dad's funeral and then as a 4yo to my uncle's funeral. DD is a child who is used to being in church, so used to sitting through church-like services. She's also a child who will happily sit and colour/draw or read, she's always been a compliant child. DS on the other hand would be a complete nightmare and I wouldn't currently take him at 2.5yo, I don't think I'd even consider it until he's much older.

My mum insisted DD was at both funerals mentioned above but I would have said no to her if I wasn't confident in DD's behaviour. I would however (and did bring DD) to the wakes. It was a good distraction for my mum (which she specifically asked for and wanted).

Not sure of etiquette here - where I’m from it’s quite normal to bring children to funerals. Maybe it’s not so appropriate here because of trasitoons? Sort not help at all (but I wouldn’t see it as odd myself)

^^ traditions. Sorry typing on phone!

'I can’t imagine a funeral where children were excluded. How on earth do they grow up understanding about death and grief as a normal part of extended family life?
My experience is that little ones often relieve the awkwardness and sadness. They bring a certain normality and even joy to a difficult occasion.
Why would they not join with the rest of their family?'

You can't? I did not want young children at my DD1's funeral. Her funeral was not appropriate for them and thankfully no one was such an arsehole as to bring one because her funeral was not a vehicle to teach your kids about 'the harsh realities of life' or understanding death, which again, they neurologically incapable of grasping until they are around 4. And no one wanted ' a sense of normality' because there's nothing normal about burying a 9-year-old child.

Some funerals are NOT appropriate for babies, toddlers and young children. So have the decency to ask the family first if you are not part of the immediate family/chief mourners.

My mother welcomed her toddler grandson at my stepfathers funeral. She also sat and cuddled her baby granddaughter as we sat with my lovely stepdad in his final hours. She said it brought enormous comfort and seemed "right" somehow. The most frail and oldest, and the newest and shiniest and everyone in between sitting together and supporting each other. She said cuddling her and holding his hand reminded her that life is a cycle we all go through. She was a scientist as he was so that may have contributed to her feelings.

I'd rather take a two year old than my preteen or 6 year old. I think they'd find it very hard and intense.

A close friend KC my
Mum was on hand to look after the toddler however during the ceremony. She was great with kids and very sensible and we knew she would whisk him away if there was a problem
So we could stay to support our mum and remember our stepdad.

The person who made a massive racket at the funeral was me. I couldn't stop crying - huge wracking sobs. I've never cried like that before it since. Was quite embarrassing especially as I was doing a reading which I suspect was unintelligible.

I'm a catholic and the husband of a Protestant friend died
I took my toddler to the funeral without a second thought because I'm the Catholic Church, kids at funerals are the absolute norm.
When I got there I noticed there were no other children, none, nadda , zilch!
Imagine my embarrassment when my ds started kicking off and I had to take him outside.
Many Catholic Churches have a 'crying chapel', a little section in the church that is closed off for you to take kids who won't settle.
I would ask the family... you don't want to turn up totally out of place!

I took my children to their Godmothers funeral- with the arrangement that right up until the cars arrived..they could choose to come to the funeral..or stay behind with pre arranged known adults. At the very last minute they decided they could not face so much sadness and stayed behind and were part of the wake/celebration of her life that followed.
At two she cannot make this decision for her- and grief can change peoples usually tolerant and benevolent attitude to noisy young children and people will hang onto any perceived poor behaviour and repeat it ad nauseam forever. Attending funerals and knowing part of death as part of life is important and helps children to grieve too- but at 2 years old she isnt likely to need this and I personally wouldnt, even if the family have said it is fine. I think from age 7 onwards is about right, depending on the childs ability to cope with the situation.

I took My DS to my DF's funeral when he was 2.
Why wouldn't I ? They adored each other.

DS obviously wanted a better view of the proceedings so he stood on a chair whilst merrily dancing along to the hymns -DF would have loved it !!!
Maybe he didn't understand what it was all about but the important thing was that he was there as we said our final goodbyes to the father and grandfather that we all loved.

I think children can understand and behave appropriately a lot younger than 7 tbh (under 4 is obviously different and sometimes appropriate, sometimes not). The idea that anyone would have thought my dc3 shouldn't go to mil's funeral at 6 strikes me as ridiculous and stupid. He was the reason she wanted to fight so hard to stay alive at least to see him start school (abroad so he'd have been 6.5). Sadly she died 6 weeks too early. He, like his siblings, had known about her terminal diagnosis for seven months, visited her throughout, kissed her head when she lost her hair. She continued to recognise the grandchildren when she was getting all the adults muddled up. Dc3 at 6 was definitely one of the six most important people to be at the funeral, it would have been unforgivable to leave him with someone else while we went - that's what he wouldn't have understood, not that mil had died and how to behave at the funeral.

At 6 actually the wake was harder than the funeral because unlike when he attended his great grandmother's funeral as a toddler it was taken for granted a 6 year old would behave pretty much as an adult, and the wake went on for a very, very long time (unlike the funeral which he had no trouble with and was grieving and sad and somber and listening to the service like anyone else, didn't need telling how to behave as it was obvious, and which only lasted 45 minutes). I did take the younger kids out for a walk during the wake, but other adults without kids also went out for air.

The idea that anyone would have thought my dc3 shouldn't go to mil's funeral at 6 strikes me as ridiculous and stupid.

But that's your choice. My choice would have been no children in case they disrupted the funeral. Neither is wrong, it's about what is right for your family.

BTW, you DS sounds lovely, I loved the bit about him kissing your MIL's head.

It's entirely about the primary mourners

If they want children there then fine.
If they don't then leave your child at home.

The learning experience and potential good behaviour of your child is absoloutely secondary to the feelings of the people who have lost their mother, father, wife, husband, brother sister or child

Pagwatch at what point do you consider the child a primary mourner? Certainly for mil her grandchildren were more central to her life than her brother and sister - both in their 60s, one absolutely healthy and very active but living in another country (short haul) and the other unwell but not objectively too unwell to get to the local funeral if she'd really wanted to - neither turned up.

The grandchildren were chief mourners, including the 6 year old (there were seats in the front row reserved for them). They were among the six or seven most important people in mil's life and the 6 or 7 who mourned her most, and continue to.

There was no conflict in our case as fil and all mil's children expected the grandchildren there, but a 6 year old is a mourner in their own right, where they are close family. If mil's brother had rolled up and disapproved of kids being there he'd have been the one told to leave, not the children. (Actually although I've only met him once I've no reason to think he would have disapproved, but the children were clearly mourning their grandmother where her brother didn't bother visiting while she was ill nor attending the funeral).

Evelynismyname

I guess at the point at which they understand their loss and are aware of the significance of the ceremony.
If your MIL died and her child (your partner) and other close family felt children should be there then that was right wasn't it?

I wasn't suggesting a veto. I was suggesting that the immediate family of a deceased tend to want those who loved them to be there and that should drive the decision.
My children went to my fathers funeral because we all understood that was what he wanted and one soiitary voice wouldn't have changed that.

Did I sound like I was suggesting that one dissenting family member should kick otherwise wanted children out?