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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

toddler at a funeral

205 replies

ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 15:17

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

OP posts:
fc301 · 12/12/2017 15:44

Expatinscotland eh??? Offensive?
How is explaining to a toddler where you are taking him and why inappropriate/ offensive?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 12/12/2017 15:44

It totally depends on the family - in my family it would be fine as long as you sit near the back and duck outside if necessary. I have distant cousins I only know now because we would play together at various wakes.

FluffyNinja · 12/12/2017 15:44

In Ireland it's quite normal for young family members to attend the funeral service but not the actual burial.

Ginslinger · 12/12/2017 15:44

I think it depends on the relationship that the toddler had with the person who has died and the relationship with other mourners. When my brother died his grandson, a toddler, was there and it was fine. Children are a part of life and sometimes it is a comfort to see that. Although I appreciate that for some it may not be.

Misspilly88 · 12/12/2017 15:45

Really depends on who the relative is. And ask their closest family, the person who Is organising it with the funeral director. My son came to a close family funeral and it was absolutely the best thing for us all, but he was almost 3 so had a bit of understanding. His presence was really special to the other attendees, he broke the tension and made people giggle and smile etc.

meredintofpandiculation · 12/12/2017 15:46

I took 14month to my DMs funeral. Felt a bit disrespectful taking a drink in for him, but he behaved perfectly. If I hadn't been one of the "inner circle" - ie if it had been a distant relative rather than DM - then I wouldn't have. But since it had been me who arranged the funeral I felt I could make the rules.

woofmiaowwoof · 12/12/2017 15:47

otoh, it can be distressing for small children if the funeral is sad, not nice to see your loved ones crying, and even small kids can pick up on that, so that's a factor too.

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/12/2017 15:50

I can't think of a single more stressful thing to do. It's not about teaching young children that death is part of life (I agree actually but would hazard that most toddlers don't have the faintest idea about the concept of death, however much you explain it to them) it's about them not being able to sit still, wanting to talk and shout and just generally being difficult to deal with in already difficult circumstances. All normal and natural behaviour of course, but I'd rather leave mine with someone else - for my own sake as much as anyone else's.

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/12/2017 15:51

Depends how closely related.

If my parents/grandparents/sibling died, then yes, my toddler would attend. I assume that if me or her dad died then she would too.

After that, I’d ask what the closer relatives thought of her attending.

I don’t think it’s healthy to hide death from children. They need to be aware of it on a basic “this happens” level.

Lunde · 12/12/2017 15:55

I had no choice but to take toddlers to DF's and DMIL's funerals as both involved international travel and it turned out fine - one of dh's cousins turned up late with 6 kids in tow.

The only thing I wished I'd known in advance is that at Danish funerals the chief mourners (dh, me and dds) are expected to sit up next to the coffin in the chancel on special chairs in front of everyone - this was ... erm ... interesting with an ASD 5 year old and a 3 year old who had driven 10 hours the day before!

MentholBreeze · 12/12/2017 15:55

I took my young children to my grandparents funerals - they weren't the only children there, and no-one batted an eyelid.

Mind you, they were family funerals, there was my Grandad's male voice choir singing, and distant relatives were glad to see me and the children, albeit at a sad occasion.

harrypotternerd · 12/12/2017 15:55

my kids (7, 6, 3 and 2 at the time) came to my dad's funeral. My grandmother (my dad's mum) specifically requested they be there and told me to bring lollypops for them so they had something to suck on. Everyone loved the kids and seemed to cheer quite a few people up, I was worried that people would think I was being rude for giving my kids lollypops at a funeral but everyone thought it was a great idea because it meant they were quiet and didn't bother anyone.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/12/2017 15:56

I think Alis has it about right - it depends how closely the toddler is related to the person and how well they knew each other.
If you (or your DH) are among the closest mourners and you are OK with your toddler attending then the other (more distant) mourners must accept your decision.
However, if there are people closer to the person than yourselves who would prefer not to go through the ordeal of a funeral with a toddler in attendance, then their preferences take precedence.

TrinitySquirrel · 12/12/2017 15:56

Wasnt this a thread this morning?

Hulder · 12/12/2017 15:58

I can't see why you wouldn't - it would absolutely depend on the type of funeral the bereaved was planning to hold.

Many people would be delighted to see a toddler at a funeral, not bothered about minor disruption obvs take them out if full on tantrum and would love seeing the whole family and every generation.

Some people want to do a more solemn thing - their decision.

Personally I'm in the don't hide death from children camp. It should be OK for them to learn that adults can be sad, we all get together etc.

FV45 · 12/12/2017 15:58

Depends on the family. All the grandchildren went to both grandparents' funerals (my parents), it would have been odd not to within our family.
Ages ranged from 9 months to 10 years.

They've all grown up visiting their grandparents graves in the woodland burial site, seen their parents in the depths of grief (but that life goes on), and it's all fine. For us.

OhChill · 12/12/2017 15:58

I probably wouldn’t take a 2yo, no. Babies are a bit easier to remove ime.

lifetothefull · 12/12/2017 16:00

I took my toddler to my cousin's funeral. DH was on hand to take her out if necessary and he hung back with her when we went to the graveside so she didn't see the coffin going in. If it had been closer to home I would have left her with someone, but as it was all the people we knew in the area were at the funeral.

OhChill · 12/12/2017 16:01

I do take my 3yo to my mum’s grave though and always have done. The reason I wouldn’t take a toddler is to do with other mourners and not because I think they need to be shielded from the concept of death.

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 12/12/2017 16:04

I have a two year old, I wouldn't take her to a funeral. They have no concept of where they are or the occasion. It will be stressful for you, you'll be on edge hoping she behaves herself and completely inappropriate if she throws a tantrum and the service is disrupted by her noise. If she was five or older I would say take her but two is too young.

educatingarti · 12/12/2017 16:06

My cousin's little boy came to my granny's funeral. He was under 2 but the family wanted him to be there and my granny had always loved children. He was obsessed with clocks at the time and when he spotted one on the crem wall, he kept saying 'clock', quite loudly. Sadly he wasn't very good at pronouncing letter the 'l'. It was funny, didn't spoil the service at all. We knew my granny would have found it funny too!

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 12/12/2017 16:07

Depends on the type of death too imo.

If it's of the "sad but not tragic" variety - an older person after a period of illness for example - it can be better than a shocking death where people will be in the throes of loud, public grief which could upset the toddler. That might sound insensitively put but that is my feeling.

My 3 and 1 yo DDs came to my grandma's funeral. It was very important to us all to have them there. They loved her and deserved to say goodbye. My 2yo also came to DH's uncle's funeral a few weeks ago as it was the only way we could attend. Toddlers are generally more sensitive than we give them credit for - she sat beautifully as though she understood the gravitas of the situation.

HalfShellHero · 12/12/2017 16:07

i had an 7 month baby and a 3 yr old at my grandads funeral it was fine

MorrisZapp · 12/12/2017 16:08

Yes, nobody is suggesting that toddlers be shielded from death. They're suggesting it might not be fair to other mourners to have a toddler there.

museumum · 12/12/2017 16:10

We took my ds to the day of his great grandmas funeral but I kept him outside during the church bit and dh had him outside at the Crematorium.
Relatives including the children and spouse of the deceased were happy to have him around and at the reception after.