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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

toddler at a funeral

205 replies

ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 15:17

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 12/12/2017 16:59

Consider your dilemma if the relative actuallu dies.

FreeNiki · 12/12/2017 16:59

Actually

HalfShellHero · 12/12/2017 17:00

i think it does depend on a) relationship to the child and b) the circumstances of the death my relative died young of a terminal illness ...that funeral was intense people howling everywhere I'm glad my kids weren't at that one.

Zapdos · 12/12/2017 17:00

I agree about checking with the 'most bereaved' person and going with whatever they decide.

When my aunt died, my in laws came to stay to look after the DC so DH could come to the funeral with me. If they hadn't been available then he would not have attended.

Dermymc · 12/12/2017 17:01

My family love babies and toddlers at funerals. The only caveat being tragic funerals not just old people dying type ones.

A lot of people would never meet my ds I'd he didn't go to funerals!

RedBlackberries · 12/12/2017 17:02

I didn't know it was frowned on. I spent most of my FILs funeral trying to tame a toddler dd and giving her sweets to keep her quiet but eventually had to go and entertain her in the graveyard.

roomsonfire · 12/12/2017 17:10

I agree death is a taboo and kids need to be 'exposed' to death rituals/funerals earlier because they learn to cope much better with the grief of a loved one. especially as they are seen as positive rather than something hidden. Positive I mean you go, you talk you celebrate a life, you greive and its all seen as normal and healthy. Not seeing that many young adults struggle.

I have never been to a funeral and i'm 33! I'm lucky, yes, but I know I will struggle when I do have to go to one because it will be new to me.

FreeNiki · 12/12/2017 17:13

Has anyone else noted the relative isnt dead yet.

This is all a bit macabre.

roomsonfire · 12/12/2017 17:16

This is all a bit macabre.

death positive! we're all future corpses.

PurplePumpkinHead · 12/12/2017 17:19

I took a c9 month old to a funeral. Took her out when she was burbling away as didn't want to disturb people.

I then got told off for taking her out as everyone appreciated the new life and they enjoyed hearing her chatting away!

There is no age limit or 'appropriateness' about funerals Hmm

She didn't go to one a few years later as she was in school and it wasn't someone she knew.

Judge the situation for yourself once the time comes Flowers

ImDoingLaundry · 12/12/2017 17:22

I've noticed freeniki. However, we're all going to do die someday.

Also nothing wrong with checking in advance as it seems the death is expected.

It depends on the family and how they feel about death. It's not a taboo for everyone, certainly not in my family.

ImDoingLaundry · 12/12/2017 17:23

To do die? Confused

To die
(Edit button please Mumsnet!)

EggysMom · 12/12/2017 17:28

It depends on the family's attitude to funerals, you'd need to ask.

FIL's death, full church funeral plus graveside committal, our son was 2 years old. I took him, MIL expected all the grandchildren to be there. I sat at the back of the church with him in a buggy, ready to whisk him outside if he became distressed or disruptive. I didn't take him to the graveside but instead walked around the cemetery with him.

My own Grandmother's death, simple short crematorium ceremony, our son was 6 by now so older but due to his autism no more able to understand. My family have a 'no children at funerals' approach. So he was left at home with DH who as a result couldn't come along to pay his respects.

Original poster
ditzychick34 · 12/12/2017 17:38

Wow, mix of responses! Yes macabre but terminal illness, near the end of the road, will by an end to the pain in an elderly relative. Wanted to start getting some plans in place to help us all cope with the grief

OP posts:
Evelynismyspyname · 12/12/2017 17:49

I took 18 month old ds2 to DH's grandmother's funeral at the specific request of her closest living relative, her only surviving adult child, fil. I had to take him out of the funeral because he was singing the wrong song loudly Blush and when the priest mentioned him and his siblings by name at the graveside and then paused he blew very loud kisses! However nobody minded and he and his then 5 and 7 year old siblings were showered with attention and given lots of little gifts at the wake. It was sort of a happier (melancholy rather than heart wrenching) funeral as she was in her 90s,and had outlived two husband's, her siblings and one of her own children - and she'd loved her only great grandchildren and everyone felt she would have wanted him there.

The funeral of someone who died "before their time" might be too raw and others might be bitter about a toddler being there especially if the toddler wasn't central to the deceased person's life.

It really is how long is a piece of string probably.

wheresmyphone · 12/12/2017 17:54

Took my 2 year old to my dads funeral. Best thing ever. Cheered everyone up.

Reallytired17 · 12/12/2017 17:55

As per the baby thread really. I think for your own close relative - parent or grandparent, you can make that call, but for others, not so much.

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/12/2017 17:56

Surely funerals are primarily for those still living, in order to mourn and move on? It's not for thr person who died, who has no knowledge of who is there or not. What then, does a toddler get out of attending a funeral? It serves no purpose as a means of 'allowing them to grieve'. The adults who want them there want them there for their own needs rather than the toddler's. Fair enough when a young child has an understanding of death and had an attachment to the person who died. But a toddler has neither of these things. Their world is pretty much mum and dad. Sorry I just don't get why you'd put yourself, and other mourners, through the stress of having a lively toddler, who has no understanding of what is going on, chatting, shouting and trying to get down and run around. Even those who will sit quietly (very few and far between) gain nothing from being there.

Evelynismyspyname · 12/12/2017 18:03

LittleLion but where the death is not a traumatic one (as in an expected death of someone very elderly who has outlived a lot of their generation) and is a close family member, the toddler loses nothing either. If all the key bereaved people want them there they are a positive part of a death as part of life type funeral.

As I say a funeral where people are very traumatised or heart broken would often not be appropriate, but not all funerals are like that.

It's less of an ordeal to put them through than a longer ordinary Sunday church service/ wedding/ christening, and children attend those (weddings obviously only when invited, but despite MNs live of child free weddings there are children at most weddings and weddings are often far longer, and far more speech infested...)

mummymathsteacher · 12/12/2017 18:12

So much of this depends on the family and the person who has died. My grandparents died within weeks of each other. My grandmother wanted something formal and cared about "keeping up appearances". DS did not come.

On the other hand, my wonderful grandfather (other side of the family) was very open about his wishes and wanted my son to be there. I took 20mo DS and I don't regret it for one moment. Yes, he played in the aisles and spoke. But I know that was a source of comfort to many.

If more people were more open about their wishes for after death, it would be easier to make these decisions IMO.

MissDuke · 12/12/2017 18:29

I would agree with those saying funerals really should not be used as an opportunity to teach children to sit quietly Hmm There are much more appropriate places for this!

OP it really is a personal decision. Only you know if you would be happy to get up and leave should your toddler play up a bit. If that doesn't bother you then I really don't see the problem. I wouldn't bring a toddler because I would want to focus on the service and saying my goodbyes etc, I don't see what benefit there would be to the child to come as they won't have that understanding to do the same.

My mil died suddenly last year and we gave our kids the option whether to come. My then 11 year old (ASD) declined as did my 4 year old, my 7 year old wanted to go. I didn't put any pressure on them, I felt it should be their choice.

VioletDaze · 12/12/2017 18:45

I think it really depends on family norms. When my grandfather died, all the great grandchildren were there, some very young, because we all felt it's what he would have wanted, and definitely what his kids wanted.

But other families seem much more formal. Only you can really judge.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 12/12/2017 18:46

I wouldn’t have wanted a toddler at DM’s funeral. I would have been worried they might have disturbed the funeral and it was about saying goodbye to DM, not someone’s child. I know it does depend on the family though.

AmeliaFlashtart · 12/12/2017 19:21

No I would wait until a kid is old enough to sit still and behave quietly before taking them to a funeral. As with wearing black to a wedding why even risk the potential for offending/disruption. Not everyone will find your toddler as delightful or endearing as you.

rachelracket · 12/12/2017 22:08

probably depends on the family. i would take mine as my family aren't formal and would want everyone to be included and, frankly, he would probably cheer everyone up a bit.

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