toddler at a funeral

[ditzychick34]

Yes a bit of a TAAT but not quite. I'll potentially be going to funeral in the new year, relative is very ill, would I be unreasonable to take my 2 year old? I would of course take her out if she makes noise. I could leave her with DH but that would mean he couldn't attend

I don’t think it’s a different matter. It is all about what the immediate family think. If you are the immediate family, you get to make that call. But someone else used the word ‘arrogant’ to describe the stances of some and I would have to agree. It is arrogant to assume your toddler is so delightful he will make funerals happy places. It is also worth bearing in mind that just because no one expresses any negativity doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

I recently lost my father - we weren't close (and mum already dead - so nobody there was devastated) but I really wouldn't have wanted a toddler there.

All I wanted to hear was the minister's voice and the music we had carefully chosen and be able to have the peaceful reflection.

My son didn't go to my step mum's funeral when he was seven but he did go to my Dad's when he was 13. I didn't go to my mum's when I was four. At he wake I would've loved a toddler to be there - not at the service though.

It's not depressing or a lack of respect for the elderly to acknowledge that the expected death of someone in their 90s is a mellower sadness than the horror of the death of a loved one who has not had the chance to reach old age. To claim that there is something wrong or depressing about feeling a less intense sadness where the loved one has had a longer than average, full life than where someone dies young is properly peculiar.

I can assure you I don’t feel a ‘mellower sadness’ for the loss of my DM, even though she was elderly. I feel the raw pain of missing her every day regardless of the fact she was 86. Anyone who tries to tell me I shouldn’t feel like this (yes there was a post how it’s not normal to be devastated over the loss of an elderly person) or talks about the circle of life can fuck right off.

As far as I’m concerned grief, like everything else, is relative. I’m going to grieve more for my DM or DF than someone I’m not related to, regardless of age.

I didn’t take my dc to my father’s funeral. The grief for me was too raw and I wanted the time to grieve without being a “Mum” as well at that point. IFYSWIM

my 3 had attended funerals of several great uncles and aunts plus a neighbour before they even started school. They have been to a cousins funeral since. All these funerals were full of children and any who were noisy were quickly removed. It is an occasion to remember the person who has died but also sometimes an opportunity to celebrate that they live on through their children and grandchildren if they have them. I think children should attend funerals of close family.

That’s understandable, Shenanigans

Hugs x

I think to reiterate, it’s a personal choice. And I definitely approve of children at funerals. All well and good to be part of and observe the rituals of life. But toddlers don’t have the understanding or the decorum to be respectful and that might be distressing for the immediate family. It might not be - but I don’t think it’s for the mum to decide that.

Reallytired I don’t think you can call someone “arrogant” because they chose to take their toddler to a funeral! What a ridiculous thing to say. Each situation is different and it is for the individual to decide what is right for their family.

Well it would be ridiculous, if I had said it!

I said that it was arrogant to assume that the presence of a toddler would cheer up the bereaved. It might, but it isn’t a given and it is arrogant to assume it is.

I attended a funeral today and there was a toddler there.
I had no idea until we walked out of the church, at the end.
However, had any of the family been made aware, any noise at all and we would have found it disrespectful.

If your toddler can be as quiet as a mouse and make no noise, then fair enough.
The last thing you need are disruptions.

'I don’t think you can call someone “arrogant” because they chose to take their toddler to a funeral! What a ridiculous thing to say. Each situation is different and it is for the individual to decide what is right for their family.'

It's actually for the chief mourners to decide, and really disrespectful not to ask the family of the deceased if bringing young children is okay, because the funeral is not about you, and not to do so because you think it's right for your family is arrogant.

Reallytired I don't believe we were arrogant in taking DS to the wake -again, it depends on the people involved and the situation. We know DGGrandma well, she is the sort of person who deals with the hardest times (and she's had plenty of them) by finding a glimmer of happiness and clutching tight to it. Following the loss of her husband she has done this metaphorically and physically with her descendants and the wake was no different. For what it's worth I very much doubt I'd take him to a wake outside the family as we just couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be anyone there it might upset or offend.

Let me try again. Slowly this time

Taking a toddler to a funeral in itself - not arrogant
Taking a toddler to a funeral because you have decided that your toddler will comfort th family -arrogant.

If you are the family - not arrogant, because it’s your call.
If you are a distant relative or friend and decide jemima bouncing around will put smiles on the faces of all the old folk who see that Betty had to depart this mortal earth to make room for Jemima -arrogant.

Yes? Are we following now?

That's clearer, yes - well done. Being clear on a sensitive topic is always a good idea because otherwise you'll end up upsetting people. Your sarcastic tone isn't needed though.

I wouldn’t take a toddler to the funeral service, but fine to take to the purvey.

I never get the comment about "if they were noisy we'd take them out"
It's too bloody late then, if your child would disturb the proceedings they shouldn't be there.
Maybe the wake is different as people are expected to socialise here and there are all sorts of noises going on, maybe a bar, food service etc.
But to presume that your child would be welcome, at a church service/ crem, especially if not immediate family is not only arrogant but disrespective, too.
I'm allowed to say this btw, as I'm still a bit out of sorts after today

Sadly, like many of you, I've been in this position with both my in-laws at different times.

At FIL's crematorium service (there was a later church service) my SIL's children were present (2.5 and just 1). All I can remember is my BIL (husband of SIL and not blood relative) just gurning and laughing at the 'antics' of his 2.5 year old who was happily smashing hymn books all over the place.

I was a bit surprised at them being there - but as beloved grandchildren - and as it wasn't my father - I put it down to family differences. However, I did find it exceptionally distracting (the behaviour of BIL and the children). This confirmed to me that I didn't think young children at funerals is the best of ideas because it can be very distracting (admittedly BIL really could - and should - have handled it differently).

Fast forward 4 years and it's MIL's funeral and by now I have my own young children.

I wasn't keen on them coming but the distance was huge (couldn't do in a day, and it would have been unfair on DH to attempt it - or to get him to fly solo) and we had no 'back-up' at home to have them. So I found myself doing something I didn't think I would do and took small children to a funeral (again, a crematorium and church service). It was actually fine.

However, unlike BIL, I was extremely conscious of where I sat and how I behaved - we sat where we could get out if needed, and I took ample distractions for them. I also assumed full responsibility for them as DH was occupied shall we say - although that did mean that my primary focus wasn't on my grieving DH.

It was bearable at the crematorium although I was so heavily conscious of child-distraction that the meaning of the event did get lost. It's hard not to when you've your hands full with toddlers.

At the church service it was very child-centred (MIL was a teacher and did lots of children's church activities).However, the service wasn't enhanced by the presence of several children (including non-family) - but neither was it distracted by them.

Even though it worked out OK in the end, if I had to consider it now with highly active pre-schoolers (who just won't listen and enjoy screaming their lungs out) I may choose to stay nearby with them and pay my respects privately. As many have said you know your child(ren) - and the wishes of those involved. I'm sorry this is something you have to consider (funerals are never easy) but I hope whatever happens that it goes smoothly and that you are able to pay your respects as you wish to.

Oh - I forgot. They've actually been to another funeral - when babies - not toddlers - that of my very elderly grandmother. Well, my family is much more 'traditional' so it wasn't enthusiastically greeted that we'd be bringing them. But with DH's family far, far away and all mine, err, at the funeral, we had no choice. As my dad was a chief mourner (so to speak) it was understood that we could bring my children. If it hadn't been my grandmother though - if it had been a great aunt etc. - I'd have left the children with DH and gone by myself. We got through my grandmother's funeral just fine too. But I was made to feel a bit funny for bringing them...

Terrible idea. Child won't understand and may make a racket upsetting mourners. Or child may be upset by witnessing trusted adults crying or in distress. Parent will be so distracted by toddler they won't be able to focus on the funeral. Not sure how much comfort other people's kids are to the recently bereaved a lot of that in parents heads.

I may be Victorian but firmly in the adults only camp.

Totally depends on the family and the type of funeral.

My church and community always encouraged the whole of the family to attend.

I went back for my Aunt`s funeral, and my DS was only about 18 months. In the church my cousin was sitting a couple of rows behind with itchy fingers, waiting for DS to make a peep so that she could grab him and take off with him because she wanted to have a cuddle with him.

At the wake, it was very comforting for family members to have a toddler to cuddle and admire (but not for hours on end). A cuddle with a willing toddler can be quite therapeutic.

I think its fine. We took our 2 y 5 m and 5 m year olds to mother in laws funeral. It was never a question really. I have also taken my 4/5 year old to a funeral. Don't see the problem and its part of the life cycle.

I took my baby to a funeral and in hindsight wish I hadn’t. Took Mum with me and she walked out with my little one when she got noisy. I was preoccupied with trying to keep her quiet/ worrying she was disturbing people. I’d say it’d be better for you not to take the little one and give yourself time to grieve and process. Take the little one to the social afterwards when she doesn’t need to be quiet and they’ll brighten everyone’s day.

NRTWT but - DD was 6.5 when her great grandmother died. She had visited her in the hospital & was given the choice to go to the funeral but chose to go to school. She did come when we buried the ashes though. She has been to a couple of funerals since. We didn’t take her when younger, mainly because we knew that the service would be a long one (minister was timed at 40 minutes for the eulogy at one, my SIL and I had to be woken up). I do think it’s right that children are involved though. It helps them to say goodbye too - otherwise the person has just vanished, and if they have been in hospital beforehand can conjure up some scary notions of going into hospital.

FWIW I was not permitted to attend my grandfather’s funeral as I was considered ‘too young’ at 9 by some family members. We had been really close and it still hurts, nearly 40 years later, that I wasn’t given a chance to say goodbye.

If you want to take your child, take toys / something to distract them & do so. It may also make the day more bearable for you. And in advance

I have twice. Both were funerals where family wanted it to be a celebration of life, IYGWIM. My aunt specifically wanted lots of children at my cousin’s funeral (cousin was late 20’s), because she didn’t want it to be a sad, depressing occasion. I took a 2yo to my GM’s funeral, because I knew she would have wanted everyone there and she too wanted people to have a laugh at her farewell.

And yes, like arrrrghhwinehelpswithtens, I also have memories of not being allowed to go to a close family friend’s funeral because I was considered too young. I was 8yo, and I am actually still sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to this person.